A huge fight got me thinking...

[lilxcutie53]

Hi all!

So I've been on this website before, so I am sure some of you know my situations with my bf and now I am back for some more advice.

So I've been with my bf for over a year now. I was in Boston this past summer for 3 months interning so my BF and I were long distance. In this time period I felt our relationship really grew. Distance really does make the heart grow fonder. Our communication got a lot better and we just grew closer. Anyways, so now I am back home and I went to go visit my bf down at school (finishing last semester) The first night I was there he was really sweet to me. He put out candles and made our night really romantic, but then the following day we got in a huge argument. It all started because I guess he didn't think I was giving him enough attention that day. He proceeded to tell me that I am not emotional enough with him and that talking to me is like talking to a wall. He says that in order for him to get closer to me, I need to let my guard down a little bit. He feels that he does so much for me and doesn't feel like he gets anything back for it. The only thing he's really done for me is date me out on lots of dates, pay for my dinner and give me gifts for bday, christmas, v-day. Then of course hanging out with me and coming to visit me in Boston. And I do treat him back when he dates me out to dinner and stuff and I do give him gifts for b-day, v-day and christmas so its like I dont know what he wants as far as a reward. He told me that we have been dating over a year and haven't even said ILY yet to eachother and then he starts telling me that he only wants to say it when he really means it and that he's only loved one girl. This girl I would say was his first love. They met when they were 15 at camp and its the only girl he's really opened up to. They dated LD for a year and then she cheated on him and after that point they broke up, but remained friends.

Another thing he explains is that he can't stand it when guys talk to me at a bar and that he always watches how I react when a guy trys to talk to me. He says that he wants me to tell the guy to go away when he tries to talk to me, but I am nice person and that makes me feel uncomfortable being mean like that. I have no intentions when talking to the guy. Typically if a guy tries to talk to me I give him like 10 sec of my time of day. Also, my ex bf and I are really good friends. I've only dated 2 people and my ex bf and I dated back in HS for 3 months...I don't even consider our relationship anything special. him and I do catch up once in awhile and stuff. Over thanksgiving break my ex bf was texting me to hang out (not by ourselves, just to get together with a few people)and my bf saw and called me out on it. I tried to explain to him that he means nothing to me and that were good friends and catch up once in awhile. The next day after him confronting me about my ex, I see in his phone that he was texting his ex-gf (the one i stated abvoe) I couldn't read what it said so I just let it go ( I was looking over his shoulder), because I know they are friends and as long as u know hes not sketchy then I am fine with him talking to her.

Fast forward to our fight this weekend. He was mentioning to me about my ex-bf again. I guess I didn't give him enough reassurance from thanksgiving. and I proceeded to tell him that I saw him texting his ex gf over thanksgiving break so he can't be mad at me for being friends with mine. then he tries to deny that he texted her over thanksgiving & that the last time they talked was Dec 3 and before that June 15th. He then got out his phone and showed me (to prove it to me) and it did say Dec 3 he texted her, but the texts from Thanksgiving were gone. So theres no prove of him texting her.

I'm just extremely confused with what he wants out of this relationship. He has this cynical view on girls because of the girl cheating on him, so he thinks all girls are scum bags. He doesn't trust them or me. He has a double standard in our relationship, bc he thinks that I think I am always right, but he thinks he's always right. He tells me that he looses interest in me when I talk to guys, (which i hardly ever do unless I see a friend or the guy tries to talk to me) but yet he talks to girls and i feel like I can't tell him that I don't like it. He just sees sooo un-happy, but yet hes still with me so I don't understand. Any thoughts?

[devonbrown]

If he is really hurt and cynical about all girls because of his ex-girlfriend, there is not too much you can do. I would let go of the texting conversations (both ways) as a reason for an argument, and just try to concentrate on each other.
If he feels that you are not showing him enough emotion, concentrate on that. That is the biggest issue effecting your relationship is that feeling of inequality. Try discussing that with him in a calm manner, where he feels comfortable and let him get out everything he needs to say. That is the best way to start getting the relationship back to the position you would like it to be.

[lilxcutie53]

I should! Your right! but what about him deleting those text messages? That makes me feel like I can't trust him bc there should be no reason to deleting those text messages unless its either about her or me. ya know? so its like yet he's asking for me to open up, etc, but his negative behaviors are preventing me from doing so. and its not just texting, like sometimes he can say disrespectful things or lashes out his frustration in inappropriate ways which only makes me want to distant myself which is why sometimes I talk to guys at the bar or don't pay full attention to him. We used to have this huge phone issue where on occasions he would say he'd give me a call and wouldn't and it started becoming so irritating that after months of not saying it bothered me I just told him that its very unattractive and makes me not want to be around you. So after I would tell him and he continued to do that, hes not helping the situation and then wonders why sometimes I act un-emotional. lashing out anger at me isn't going to help the situation either...and him always thinking he's right or doesn't have a problem and thinking his behavior is ok makes it only worse because then it makes me feel like my needs aren't important to him, which then makes me distance myself. So I don't know what else there is to do.

[smackie9]

He's immature, insecure, and manipulative. Why are you with him. Sister you can do way better than this. He is what he is and it sounds like if you even try to discuss things in a calm and mature matter, it's gonna fall on deaf ears. He needs a whole lot of growing up to do. There is something else you can do, find somebody who respects you and is mature enough to handle a serious relationship.

[twinrexes]

Forget about the text messages, that's not what this is all about. It's about trust. He's insecure because of how the last relationship ended and he's looking for reassurance from you that you won't cheat on him. Yes, he's immature and this may not be the guy for you, but the two of you sure could do better with your communication skills. You let things bother you way too long before you say anything. Like waiting for months to tell him he should call you when he says he will. Resentment builds, and then you act distant because of it, and he thinks you're putting up a wall. And this thing about each of you thinking that the other thinks they're always right. SOOO typical of couples when they argue. Everyone just wants to be right, even if it means nothing gets resolved and neither party gets heard.

Why don't you practice clearing up some small issue between you without getting into a battle over whose right? Something straightforward like him not calling when he says he will. No blaming or accusing, just say you feel hurt or even worried that something might have happened to him when he's told you he'll call and doesn't. That he was good about it for a while and now it's happening again and it's the sort of little thing that may seem small to him but is really important to you (old habits die hard, after all, so he may need reminding). And ask him if there's some small thing you can do for him as well, that would help him feel better about things (emphasis on small). Baby steps. If you can't discuss even the most basic things then it's going to be tough to resolve issues like jealousy and insecurity.