She's "not ready for a relationship". Excuse or Genuine Reason? (Long Story)

[jd123]

Okay so I have known this girl from my social circle for about 4 months now (first year uni students), but have only really started talking to her for the last month or so. We get along quite well and have a lot in common. I adore her, and my friends started to suspect this.

Anyway we were both at a mutual friends party and became somewhat intoxicated (not like, lose all control drunk, but enough to abolish a considerable chunk of any social anxiety) and so did my friends. Well they did some meddling and put us both on the spot about how we felt about each other... anyway long story short, we ended up making out and cuddling for the rest of the night.

She was very self concious, and no matter how much I told her that she was gorgeous, pretty etc she wouldn't believe it. She couldn't understand why anyone would be attracted to her like this and that makes no sense to me because she is amazing in every way imaginable, inside and out (and I made sure to make this clear). She was saying things to the tune of "I hope that I am good enough for you". She did also at one point say that she hoped things work out between us.

Anyway, next morning she leaves quite abruptly. It was obvious that she either didn't know how to handle the situation (which admittedly, I didn't really either) or felt uncomfortable and just bailed.

She avoided me for the rest of the day as well as most of the next until I finally managed to talk to her through facebook chat (which wasn't my ideal option to talk about this sort of thing I know, but it was all I could manage under the circumstances... I didn't want to leave it without saying anything for several days before I saw her in person again). She told me that I am amazing, clever, funny, sweet, and a person she knew she wanted to be around since the day we met etc... but then she says that she just wants me as a friend, and that she "doesn't want anything more than friends right now".

I don't think that she regrets that night though. She told me that she never thought that anyone could ever see her in that way, and that it means more to her than she could ever explain. I told her to never doubt that she is beautiful, and she said that maybe one day she will believe it thanks to me.

I asked her if she felt like I took advantage of her and she said no, but that she felt like she took advantage of me... She also told me that she wasn't actually that drunk and that it wasn't a situation where it could have been anyone, and that if it were anyone but me that nothing would have happened.

This was also the first time that either of has have ever done anything like this. It was both of our first kisses, first time dealing with any of these emotions and experiences.

Has she stuck me in the friend-zone because she is not attracted to me and is using the "I'm not ready" approach to avoid hurting my feelings? Or is she just genuinely not ready for a relationship and would maybe consider one with me once she is? I truly hope for the latter, but I have come to learn that hope can be a cruel crutch to lean on. Hope drives us, but false hope can be a dangerous thing.

Please help me out. Any opinions or tips on my situation, or on what to do now would be hugely appreciated. I do plan to ask her in person how she truly feels eventually (unless you think that would be a bad idea), but I would like a little bit of help understanding my situation before I do that.

Thanks for reading.

[basilandthyme]

The title of the story is enough to be able to give my answer. Thing is, it doesn't matter if it's just an excuse or if she's truly not ready - because the upshot is the same: the answer is "no".

And your thoughts on waiting around are right - not only will you risk getting really hurt, you'll also risk not seeing Ms Right come along because you're waiting for Ms I'm Not Interested.

Move on.

[searock]

I agree with Basil - it doesn't matter whether it's an excuse or not. In any case, she isn't interested in you. Move on.

[jd123]

Yeah fair enough. The thing is that I am going to talk to her about this eventually anyway, I just mainly want a bit of help understanding the situation from her perspective before I do. I know it sounds naive, but she is the type of person that would be worth waiting for (within reason of course), so if there is a chance there I would take it. I think maybe that because things happened so fast it scared her away. If that is all that got in the way then I think I would be able to patch things up and make it work... But if she is just flat out not interested, then I know that I will simply have to accept it and move on (It wouldn't be the first time I've had to).

[4 ratties]

Well she's inexperienced so she may be scared. She may has been hurt in the past, she may not want a boyfriend, she may have low self esteem. She may be talking to someone else. Who knows. All u can do is talk to her and if u feel u can't then no point starting a relationship with her because communication is key

[Boisdevie]

I know it sounds naive, but she is the type of person that would be worth waiting for (within reason of course), so if there is a chance there I would take it.

Good luck with that then. We've all told you that you're wasting your time but you're not listening are you? Get real. For whatever reason she's not interested IN YOU.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

For whatever reason she's not interested IN YOU.

The reason is he's a dramatic pussy.

[namemyname]

Maybe she doesn't view you as "relationship material" because you were so easy and physical and didn't even know her. In your own college way, this was a version of a one night stand.

How's that for a turn-around?

[jd123]

Well she's inexperienced so she may be scared. She may has been hurt in the past, she may not want a boyfriend, she may have low self esteem. She may be talking to someone else. Who knows. All u can do is talk to her and if u feel u can't then no point starting a relationship with her because communication is key

This is exactly what I am going to do. Thank you for making this clear without being an asshole about it. I just wanted to make sure that there wasn't something completely obvious that I was missing before I do.

The reason is he's a dramatic pussy.

Don't be an asshole. It makes you look like you're some angry 12 year old kid and ruins any credibility that your advise might have.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I am an angry 12 year old.