Am I being used?

[lulubelee30]

Need an outsiders point of view please

I am 31 mother of a son with autisum he is not not my partners natural child and my son has never met his father.
I think i am being used we have been together 2 years and my partner has only worked for 4 months of this.
He says all the right things how much he loves me how happy he is how my son is like his own ect, but he does not pay his way .

i love him and have been supportive about him looking for work but if a job does not land on his lap he will not look very hard for one he has not sent his c.v. to any agencies and does not really apply for anything. He was working with his friend but that job fell through as we got his paperwork wrong and he was blocked from site.
He was offered work starting at 6am he did not get out of bed and go as he didn't get to sleep til 2am (hot night) I woke up with him (as if he does have work i will get up at 5.30am and make his lunch/coffee) this upset me a lot and he apologised.
I've managed to convince him to apply for college but we have not heard back yet.
When he is not working he mainly plays on the pc or paints models if i ask him to do something around the house he will but the housework and cooking are done by me.

Because of his lack of work we are on benefits I stay at home to look after my son and when it was just my son and I we had enough money to live comfortably but with 3 its a tight budget so we rarely go out.

In the whole time with have been together he has not brought me any jewellery or surprised me with a gift
But when he does work he will give me the money for the house.

He tells me I deserve everything and he wants me to have lots of lovely things but never does it.
We don't really argue and get on well.

But I'm only 32 and want a nice family life not constantly juggling money and I rarely get time to myself having him around constantly is hard and I'm getting bored of his company.
I have a high sex drive and his a once a night less than 5 minutes kind of guy who doesn't do morning sex or quickies or anything spontaneous when I have tried he turns me down.

Should I end the relationship? am i being used? help please because i do love him.

[Wakeup]

Goodness, rather then worry about him going to college so he can take care of you, why don't you go to college and learn to live indepenently of a man or the government? Maybe you could get something in the field that helps autistic children since you do have some experience in that regard? I imagine that if your social services is as generous with tax payers money as Canada's is, then your tuition will even be covered in part at least.

If he's living with you, then your income may very well be cut off if services gets wind of it so tell him to leave and since you "love" him then tell him you can date but you're not taking care of him anymore. Once you have more self-worth from accomplishing something admirable (like getting your degree or training in something) you'll like not feel you "love" him as much as you think you do.

Failing you doing all that above, then yes break up with him.

[lulubelee30]

Goodness, rather then worry about him going to college so he can take care of you, why don't you go to college and learn to live indepenently of a man or the government? Maybe you could get something in the field that helps autistic children since you do have some experience in that regard? I imagine that if your social services is as generous with tax payers money as Canada's is, then your tuition will even be covered in part at least.

If he's living with you, then your income may very well be cut off if services gets wind of it so tell him to leave and since you "love" him then tell him you can date but you're not taking care of him anymore. Once you have more self-worth from accomplishing something admirable (like getting your degree or training in something) you'll like not feel you "love" him as much as you think you do.

Failing you doing all that above, then yes break up with him.

Thanks for replying

I do have a degree already but childcare is difficult for me as my son can't attend a mainstream setting so i only work part-time
The relevant authorities know he lives with me.
I don't want to be taken care of I want an equal partnership
I have lots of self worth and find it insulting you would suggest otherwise....
Also I have achieved something 'admirable' raising my son and getting my degree I also raise money for speech charities and volunteer at my son's school.

Was hoping for advice on my relationship not an attack on my lifestyle!
I lived independently of a man for the first 5 years of my sons life!

[Wakeup]

Thanks for replying

I do have a degree already but childcare is difficult for me as my son can't attend a mainstream setting so i only work part-time
The relevant authorities know he lives with me.
I don't want to be taken care of I want an equal partnership
I have lots of self worth and find it insulting you would suggest otherwise....
Also I have achieved something 'admirable' raising my son and getting my degree I also raise money for speech charities and volunteer at my son's school.

Awesome then you're far too good for this guy you're caretaking. You don't need two sons so drop the big one.

Was hoping for advice on my relationship not an attack on my lifestyle!
I lived independently of a man for the first 5 years of my sons life!

Do it again then until you find someone who is worthy of your fine self.

You enable him to be the sloth he currently is when you take care of him the way you have been, he has no motivation to better himself, sadly.

[lulubelee30]

Thanks for answering I just hate the thought of hurting him and my son loves him so ending things will be hard.

[Wakeup]

May I suggest that you don't introduce your son to any man that isn't already well established and you've established that he's a keeper. I say this because you're right, your son will wonder now where he's gone and why he's no longer in his life (never mind yours).

As I said, you can ask him to leave and find other accomdations and still date him. If he is at rock bottom and wondering where his next meal is coming from, it may motivate him to actually get some kind of position even if it's temporary while he looks for something in his field (if he even has a field). I'm not sure him going to college or Uni is feasible if he had no means of paying for that priviledge. (???)

[lulubelee30]

His the first man i've ever introduced my son to the first 5 years of his life i never introduced him to any man i dated but i felt my partner was the right man and decided to give happiness a go.
His family would support him through college.

[Wakeup]

His family would support him through college.

Then by all means, let them support him before he goes to college as well. They too enable his present non-motivation.

I feel for you, it's not easy letting go of someone you feel you love but turned out to be not the man you thought he was. If you want to keep him around then give him the opportunity to grow into the man he should be by now and tell him the free ride stops here.

[michelle23]

Its time to pull the plug luv. I don't know if hes using you or not but hes definitely not Mr. Right and you are settling for second best with this guy. Go and find a man who has a bit more passion, ambition and drive in him and don't look back with any regrets.

And don't come back here saying "but I love him, I just want him to change". He wont change. Hes lazy, demotivated and happy to milk off you and the welfare system

[bcgirl]

You are 32 yrs old, you are an adult woman mother of ONE not two. This guy your with seems like an immature, lazy teenager. Your not getting any younger. You can't get a job for him, he needs to do it on his own but it's about a total change in lifestyle on his part. I've seen plenty of 50 yr olds going nowhere in their lives too and he can very well be one of them but you decide what path you want in your life. He can easily drag you down with him. I was in my early 20's with a guy that was going nowhere and I knew was bringing me down. I ditched him. I then saw the $ coming in, I now live in one of the most expensive neighbourhoods in the world, have a great dream job etc. did this on my own under the age of 30. It depends what you value in life, if it ain't the same as his which is obvious then you'll forever resent him for bringing you down