Is it me or my relationship

[Zenna]

Hello, I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and offer some sound advice.
I've been in a relationship for 12 months after spending many years on my own. I met this guy through my friend and he won me over instantly, there was something very sincere about him.
During the first six months he lost his brother and best friend and I stood by him and supported him as much as possible, then he admitted he had a problem with smoking weed but during the time he had been with me he hadn't touched it but with the stress of two deaths he owned up to it and since then has continuously smoked it, he has promised he will give it up, but I know this is him just saying what I want to hear.
Also, in November last year he accused me of being a gold digger, as rumours from his ex had come back to him and he had been told this at the start of our relationship and been watching me closely during our time together, when I found out I was really hurt and upset and given the times he had offered to lend me money and buy me expensive gifts, I had declined on every occasion and given him no reason to even question this. Everything I have, i have worked hard to achieve and in many cases made sacrifices to maintain,none of it has been from any relationship or hand outs.
He has a number of issues from his childhood, in which he has difficulty in forming intimate relationships.
Recently I have felt more of a mother to him and feel he expects me to wait on him. I don' t have a life of my own and i feel very lonely and trapped. He has become agitated with me too and I don't seem able to communicate as effectively as I had been able to.
He asks me many questions about my financial state and talks constantly about settling down, he expects everything to be split down the middle if he paying, but quite happily takes from me. I've never asked about his financial situation and feel uneasy about the reasons behind him wanting to settle
Recently I lost my dog and feel very empty.
My self esteem is quite low.
I apologise if my post is all over the place but I'm trying to understand my feelings, as to whether its something to do with me or my relationship?

[basilandthyme]

Zenna, you've given a laundry list of reasons you should leave. However, the fact that you're still there indicates that there is also a lot of good. What are all the loving, kind and thoughtful things he does? In short, why are you still with him?

[Zenna]

Thanks for your post. He is a good person, he has strong family values and can be very loving towards me, but not in a sexually intimate way
He has spent a considerable amount of time on his own and has shown little respect towards women, when I came into his life he decided to give me a chance.
I fell for him, but I recently question my feelings as to whether I am with him to make things right, rather than for the right reasons. I'm worried that by ending the relationship will destroy him, as I've been his rock and I do believe he really does love me in his own way, but I feel it is all one sided and that I deserve to have an equal relationship.

[smackie9]

OH good lord break up with the guy. There is too much bad with so little good. Dear you need to think about you, yourself, and your self worth....I think you give and give, and still it's not rewarding you with a decent relationship.

Don't worry about him, he's a big boy, like everyone else he will be able to continue on with his life. Please don't stay with him out of pity. Yes I agree you deserve an equal relationship, and you won't find it with him. You have only been with him for a year and this is the crap that keeps hitting the fan. It's got fail written all over it.

Tip: never go by what he tells you, but by his actions......actions speak louder than words.

[TablesandChairs]

He sounds like a complete tight ass - yet he hasn't really given you anything, nor have you accepted anything (lucky you, sounds like he was setting you up). He clearly doesn't know the meaning of 'gold digger' and believe me, if you were one, he wouldn't be with you given how concerned he is with $$.

He won't make a good partner - people like this seldom do.

[michelle23]

I would leave him. I think you are staying with him out of obligation because his brother died. Sure he needs support but he can get it elsewhere. You need to put you first. This guy doesn't appreciate anything you do for him and takes you for granted every day. Plus he obviously has severe trust issues and a problem with women in general. Men like him are toxic so run now before he drags you down even further. You are worth more than this. You should have ran as soon as you realized he has little respect for women. He will never see you as his equal if this is the case and he will continue to put you down and hurt you. you really dont need people like this in your life.

I guarantee once you pull the plug, he will beg and plead, promise to change and swear he loves you and is sorry blah blah blah. You need to be strong when he does this and say "no its over, there is nothing you can do or say to change me mind". Be firm and find the strength to walk away with no second chances at all.

Good luck

[Zenna]

Hello thank you everyone for your comments and advice, I think everything that has been said has only confirmed what has been going on in my head, but its good to have reassurance, as I do feel on my own dealing with my emotions.
I am a genuinely kind and caring person and try to see the good in everyone and mend really those things that are not my problem.
I have found it difficult to understand someone's take on finances, when I'm a giver rather than taker, but that I feel is his problem and not mine.
I have taken on board all the constructive comments and advice and will move forward with this and once I've made my decision will stand by it, whatever is thrown in my path.
Thanking you all again :-)

[TablesandChairs]

Being a kind, generous person is worth a lot - being with a man like him will 'kill' your qualities. You'll find yourself more preoccupied with money/possessions than you've ever been and that's a bit ugly. People look for and appreciate the qualities you have so with a bit of confidence, you'll attract someone far nicer and kinder.

Seeing the 'good' in people is lovely - but not at the sake of ignoring their faults because that leaves you very unprotected and naive to what could potentially turn into a very bad relationship.

[Zenna]

How right you are because for the first time in my life I feel that if I ever considered settling down with my partner I would loose far more than my dignity, I have two wonderful boys and now all I think about is my partner could take away from my children that which I worked hard for their future and I'm not prepared to do that, given the sacrifices I have made to ensure they are catered for later on in life, so yes I will protect that which belongs to my boys.
All this has taken its toll on my confidence, as I feel the way I am does open up to be taken advantage of, but why should I change when I know one day I will meet someone who will appreciate me for who I am and not what I've become, due to circumstances :-)

[michelle23]

Hes dragging you down. You should go now

[smackie9]

Best of luck Zenna, I wish you well.