Am I being unreasonable?

[Flying]

Hello to all,

First thing is first, I'm 20 years old, 3rd year physics undergrad in a prestigious university in England. I met a beautiful girl during my first year there, and since then she has moved to another university, approximately 250 miles away, but still in England.

Here is my problem, since we see each other only once every 3-5 weeks, sometimes longer...I always try to free up as much time as I possibly can whenever she would come visit me at my uni or at my home during vacations. And I always make sure that she is top of my priority list when we are together, since we won't see each other for a long period afterward. This results in me delaying my schoolwork (which means cramming shit loads the week after), canceling my badminton practices and rearranging tutorials.

However, when I go visit her place, she often would not be willing to cancel her plans, these usually mean her dancing practices, so she would be willing to go out for 4-5 hours, leaving me alone in her room for the night. I have made clear that I am not very excited about this...She seems to get rather angry about me even mentioning my dissatisfaction. We have not really talked about that since, and I just try and forget about that and hope she puts me on top of her priority when I do make the effort to go see her, this means a 4 hour train journey with 2 changes, and it would cost �40, for a student, thats alot.

All of that aside, I was planning to go see her this week..She can't come see me because she has to work during summer, fair enough. And since she had alot of hours this week, I decided to rearrange my trip for next week. All was good until tonight, when I talked to her on the phone and was told that her landlord had ordered some sort of carpet to be delivered next wednesday and had asked her if she could stay in the house and wait for the delivery, which meant that we had to stay in all day until the delivery is made (up til 3pm) and she has to then go to work at 4pm (until midnight). This then made me feel slightly disappointed...(she could have said she was busy/working/meeting..or maybe that her boyfriend was coming to visit and she didnt wanna waste his expensive and long journey)

I feel like I'm being very selfish...maybe its because I treat her like how I want to be treated...sometimes I think I should put in less effort..but I tried and failed, It's either I put in no effort or I put in all the effort I can.

After she had told me we had to stay in on Wednesday my mood just dropped and she could tell I was slightly upset...she then said good night and put the phone down on me...

what am I meant to think?

[QueenofCorona]

I don't think you are asking too much, I'd be upset too. Seems to me she is higher on your priority list than you are on hers. It would be one thing if she was making an effort to make up for the times she's flaked on you or meet you half way but it doesn't seem that way. Long distance relationships are difficult to make work, this one just might not be salvageable.

[l337acc]

Yeah I dont think your being unreasonable at all. I think she senses that you have her high up on your priorities and has you where she wants you. Personally, I think she is just "keeping your d**k in a jar" and has no real feelings for you, or she would consider your feelings and make an equal effort in the relationship. I wouldn't give her the time of day anymore, you should move on IMHO. If she cared at all she would be falling all over herself to make YOU happy

[TheTooya]

I think you are sounding kind of sappy...

I can't tell if you two are dating or not... are you?? If so, then yea, you got the bum end of the stick, you should find someone else.

If not, then... asking for her undivided attention is a little much.

She wants her freedom, everyone does really. No one wants to be in a relationship where it ties them down and stops them from enjoying other parts of their life.

[lahnnabell]

I think it's unreasonable to expect her to clear her entire schedule when you come to visit. And I think you need to stop dropping your priorities for her. Leaving school work till the last minute? That's gonna get you in trouble one way or the other.

Perhaps you guys can plan things out. Shit happens, things come up all the time. It sucks that the carpet thing is happening during your visit, but don't cry over it. Be happy that you get to see her at all. When someone starts whining as you do, it sounds like they've become spoiled and have developed a certain level of expectations. Get rid of them, and simply enjoy being with her.

However, she does sound kinda like a bitch.

[IndiReloaded]

You sound more invested in her than she is in you. Yes, given you are traveling a distance and at cost its not unreasonable for you to expect she make some acknowledgment of your effort. Rearranging your schedule is small effort compared to the same from you and travel time+cost.

LDRs rarely work out, as someone already mentioned. It may be that she just isn't that into you. As for your upcoming visit, I would set a boundary. Tell her you feel that you are traveling to far to not get to spend as much time as possible with her. Don't whing tho, just be matter of fact about the lack of fairness. Say you would like to postpone your visit until she has more time. See what kind of response you get. She will either wake up and realize she could lose you (you sound smart and nice--her loss if so) or she won't care in which case... well, you can do the math.

Good luck.

[l337acc]

...Say you would like to postpone your visit until she has more time. See what kind of response you get. She will either wake up and realize she could lose you (you sound smart and nice--her loss if so) or she won't care in which case... well, you can do the math.

Good luck.

Thats one vote from me!

[cmacattack1]

You probably wish for those times where you coming to see her would have her so excited that she would clear her schedule for you and have her just jump in your arms right when you walk in the door. Maybe that's a bit over the top of a description but you get my drift. Anyway, you say that you either put in zero effort, or all effort and no in-between. Do you really want to do this for her, or are you doing this because you think this is what a good boyfriend is supposed to do? I mean, for an LDR to work, you do have to put in the effort and it certainly must be reciprocated. It doesn't sound like your needs are getting met and that's not cool. Unfortunately, just because you do all this for her, I think it's a bit unrealistic to expect the exact amount in return (like you think "if she loved me, she would do that, wouldn't she?"). You choose to do these things, and you should be doing it because sharing this with her makes you happy. Not because you feel obligated to.

So it's been established that you aren't up on her priority list. That really sucks that you come all the way to see her and she makes you sit in her room while she does her own thing. If this is the treatment you are getting when you fall ass backwards trying to accommodate her, it doesn't seem right. As long as you communicate this in as non whiny of a tone as possible, you are communicating to her how you feel. Then take it from there. If it's too much to work, don't waste any more of your time and brainpower trying to make it work when everything else around you is suffering. No girl is guarenteed in this world, but your future is. You can make sick money with physics. And being a science major that had to take a year of it, I can understand how ridiculous it is. I don't know how you do it in all honesty. But if you guys are moving in different directions, don't try to play this tug of war. Just because you guys aren't working out right now, doesn't mean you guys couldn't. It could just be bad timing. But don't worry about this if it doesn't. Everything will be okay regardless

Communicate first, and try and take it from there. If she doesn't seem willing to work towards something, a break up would probably be best.