Hello,
This is my first post here, so please be gentle with me! I know some people will judge me negatively for what I am going to write, which I'm sure I deserve, but I would still love some support and advice - particularly from anyone who has been in a similar situation to the one I am in, as it is driving me crazy and I've just got no one I can talk to about it
I have been with my DH for 10 years and we have a school-age child together. My DH and I both work part-time, so we have a good quality of life - nice house in a good area, etc. - and share childcare. Everything in my life is, to outside appearances, totally fine. In other words, I know I should feel lucky, happy, fulfilled.
The trouble is that, some years ago, I met another guy through work and I found myself falling in love with him. Nothing physical has ever happened between us, but even a slight brush of the hand leaves me trembling. Somehow, we connected: he fills my soul (sounds corny, I know, but true).
I'm not sure whether I had already fallen out of love with my DH by the point I met this other guy, but it certainly didn't help... My DH is a good man, works hard, says he loves me etc. But he's also a very difficult person to live with - has terrible tempers and can be very mean to me (verbally, not physically). I find it tough living with him.
The other guy is sensitive and calm. He seems to understand me. Unfortunately, he is also already in a long-term relationship and, although he has told me he adores me, he doesn't feel her can leave her. I'm likewise very scared of upsetting everything in my life, destroying my DH and destabilising the life of my child. So, we have agreed not to take it any further.
The trouble is that I can't get him out of my head and I'm utterly miserable.
Maybe it's because I'm in my mid-30s and I see my life passing me by and I try to imagine spending the rest of it with my DH, but I just can't. He frequently talks about where we should move to when we retire together (he is only late-30s) and the whole thought of still being together at 70 freaks me out! I can't believe I'm only half way through my life but it's all set out like a path already - one I don't really want to be on ...
I think the worst part is that my DH doesn't want any more children and I would love to have more, while the other guy's wife is much older than him and can't have kids and he would love to be a father: it breaks my heart...
I know that I should just think: I made my bed and I should lie in it. I should put my kid first. I also know that I'm probably at least partly suffering from 'grass is always greener' syndrome and that living with this other guy might not be so wonderful when I'm actually doing it every day, but, although our working situation has changed now and we only see each other about three times a year, I am just as crazy about him as before and things seem to be getting worse rather than better.
I think it's getting hard for me to distinguish whether the problem comes from being in love with this other guy, or whether the problem has already been in my relationship for a long time and this is just an outlet for it: does that make sense?
Anyway, apologies for rambling, thanks for reading, and I hope to hear from someone who had a similar experience soon.
Thanks!