He's being a you-know-what again...

[indigosoul]

So, OK, some of you know I've been dealing w/shit from my husband. Yet again, he threw me for a loop this weekend.

For those who don't know, briefly, I've been w/my hubby over 15 years. One child. Problems, blah, blah. Like everyone else. Been going to counselling this past year. So far, hasn't helped one bit (our problems).

Anyway, I've been away a lot (started a new company this past year & has been eating up a lot of my time). I also teach at the local university, so I haven't been around much the past few weekends. This weekend I was home. Made dinner, cleaned house, etc. Was a GOOD wifey.

So, in the kitchen, I just got home (around 3 PM Sat) and my husband is telling me about his stuff at work, etc. I listen, compliment him on how well he is doing, etc. He then comes out with this comment:

"Do you feel that you have grown from our marriage?"

I answer, yes, I have grown a lot from our marriage. He answers:

"I wonder how much more I might've been sometimes..."

WTF??

I tell him to explain his comment & that I am hurt that he might be implying I have somehow held him back (his career, he means). He said he was just "making conversation".

I then tell him I can't really continue to speak w/him at that time (I was really upset). I'm still upset and have told him I think we should go back to counselling.

He doesn't see the problem, tho I said QUITE EXPLICITLY that I felt his comment was hurtful and an attack on me/our relationship. No apology or anything, of course.

So... sometimes I wonder if it is possible to be too reasonable?? Maybe I should've just slapped his face for that kind of comment. Bah.

Note: I even apologized. I told him that if it weren't for our son, I would've "let him go" long ago to go do what he felt he needed to (win a Nobel prize, or whatever). He's pretty successful, BTW, by most ppls standards, anyway, so sometimes I wonder if we are back to that pyschological manipulation shit again.

For the record, I am not at all stupid, ugly, or unsuccessful by most ppls standards. I am utterly frustrated and confused, tho.

::sigh:: Rant Complete.

[Asip4u]

My father did this exact same thing few months back and my mom got really pissed as well. I honestly don't think he meant it in that sense, indigosoul. A lot of guys look back and wonder how much more they could have done, it doesn't really mean that they think you are the reason they didn't accomplish more. I can understand how it would come out as rude, that's for sure.

[indigosoul]

Yeah, well, it would've been equally easy for me to have shot back w/all the missed opportunities I didn't take (career-wise) in order to stay home and have a child. But I didn't. I chose, with eyes wide open, b/c its something I happen to believe in (raising rational children). And I'm not defined by my work.

I struggle to not let these sorts of things bother me. To let it go. But it is sometimes VERY hard.

[shh!]

Ironically, I am quite sure I have read that married men climb higher up the career ladder than do single men. Anyway, I don't blame you for being offended. It was a silly thing for him to say. I think it may have to do with mid-life crisis, or some other excuse men use for being insensitive. As you pointed out, I am sure you have also passed on plenty of attractive opportunities because you were otherwise obligated...

[indigosoul]

Ironically, I am quite sure I have read that married men climb higher up the career ladder than do single men.

Mmmm. But he would argue he could do MORE if only I would be content at home... grrr.

As you pointed out, I am sure you have also passed on plenty of attractive opportunities because you were otherwise obligated...

You know I have. Nothing different in THAT regard, either, other than it still being painful for us. But, that's a buried, if not dead, issue now anyway.

I suppose it could be MLC. Bleh. Get to look forward to an affair next, I suppose..? Great.



OK, that sounds really bitter. But I'll leave it as is and not delete it...

[Prodigal]

Hi Indigo... it has definitely been a while.

Have you told your husband what you have told us? That you have also given up many career opportunities for the sake of the family? If so, how did he respond? If not, why did you not say anything?

I'm thinking maybe he's blaming his lack of reaching success (at least in his own eyes) on you because he doesn't want to realize that, well, maybe he just didn't live up to his expectations of himself. Of course there are some sacrifices that must be made once you become a husband and father. But even if this caused him difficulties in what he wanted to do individually for his life and career, he can't blame it on somebody else. These were the choices HE made. He chose to become a husband and a father, and with the great benefits also come the drawbacks. If he doesn't realize this and thinks that his unhappiness with his individual career success is related to you, then he is greatly mistaken.

[Junsui]

That would have pissed me off too. It sounds like you handled it really well, I would have said some smartass comment back!

[indigosoul]

Thanks Junsui, its hard, I'll tell you not to yell at him sometimes. But I have a 6 year-old to think about.

Prodigal, I don't see the %age in telling him about MY missed opportunities. Why would I do that? That just me taking his argument and turning it back on him. I don't see how that resolves anythiing. Anyway, as I said, its not an issue for me. I made my choices and I don't regret them. If I did, I wouldn't blame him; its my life to live as I choose.

What hurts is the emotional void I'm left in after he says this crap. I'm NOT interested in arguing w/him anymore. I get scared tho when I start to feel numb after this kind of thing happens. Which is why I guess I suggested counselling again... not very coherent this morning.

[shh!]

That you can be hurt on an emotional level implies that you still have feelings for him, which is good since you are married. You are right - it would be even worse to not care when he says these sorts of things. Once the feelings are gone, I can't imagine anything can be truly repaired. I think the counseling might be a good idea. Is he willing?

[TAVS]

I can understand your frustration but I imagine part of Counseling and working on a relationship is being honest about one's feelings. I'm sure he could have worded it differently, but I personally think it's better he said something than just keeping it hidden inside. If you don't know how he feels, or vice versa, you can't do anything about it.

Best Wishes.

[shh!]

Hmmm... I know that modern psychology tells you it is good to always express yourself, but I guess I am a little bit old-school on this. Since there isn't any possible way to "fix" the so-called problem (aside from divorce, which still wouldn't give him back the 15 years and is not really an option they would consider, if I'm not mistaken), why burden her with it? It seems rather selfish to me. Not every thought or emotion needs to be expressed.

[Junsui]

I agree shh!. Psychology does like for you to express yourself, but not necessarily to burden to someone else with your problems. If he was feeling resentment about something like that, he should discuss it with a therapist. I think the main reason it's good for you to get emotions out is because it can lead to health problems when you keep it all in. You just have to learn how to release them in a healthy, non-destructive way.

[TAVS]

Good Points; maybe I'm just too optimistic in the power of teamwork.

"What would you like to see different about your life, career....let's see how we can help you reach those goals"

[Junsui]

Of course, teamwork is great, but it doesn't work if one person just wants to sit there and blame the other for their own lack of success or whatever. I don't know if that is what's going on, just sayin in general.

[indigosoul]

That you can be hurt on an emotional level implies that you still have feelings for him, which is good since you are married. You are right - it would be even worse to not care when he says these sorts of things. Once the feelings are gone, I can't imagine anything can be truly repaired. I think the counseling might be a good idea. Is he willing?

He'll go. In a I'll-go-since-you-make-me, sort of way. Not hugely helpful, so far, regards our issues, BTW. More useful in understanding my own repsonses, but doesn't really change thinngs. Worse, in some ways, as the shrink has been validating a lot of stuff I've been thinking about.

TAVS, I agree w/you. We should be a team. But its really hard when I shut down from this stuff. But at least I don't lose my temper anymore. Need an alternative.

I have asked him to apologize, make amends, explain. He says he is just being honest. OK. So I'm getting honest feelings that make me wonder why he just doesn't leave if he feels so hard done to. I'm NOT the clingy sort. I'm basically around because I think we owe it to our son. But if he feels his "self" is being compromised by my working, then he should go. But he won't. He's going to make my life miserable instead (I feel).

Some days I actually consider "giving it up". Its not like I HAVE to work (financially). But I LIKE to. And I think I would lose something important in my current state of mind if I did this.

I need a middle ground before I totally turn inward and stop caring altogether. I can FEEL it happening and I don't know what to do to stop it.