Break up due to lack of affection!?

[jay1234]

Hi guys im new to this and thought it would be good to gather some other views and opinions on my situation. Im not really looking to try and find a way to get my ex back or anything like that, or going crazy at the thought of my break up but i am intrigued as to why this issue has arisen and just really the thought process behind peoples actions. so ill give you an overview of the key points of the relationship;

we're both in our mid twenties, dated for around 7 months, we had both been single roughly around 3 months prior to us getting together, took it really slow at first, like going on dates - doing fun stuff and just generally getting to know each other.

i was playing things really cool as my previous relationship was quite intense and i wanted to make sure that the person i seriously date afterwards is someone that is gonna make me happy and that i can trust - so i wanted to really make sure of this before i took things further and it was great getting to know this woman, we had a few disagreement but we dealt with them as they arose and it was done - it was nothing major, but it felt refreshing that we both dealt with these things in an adult way and expressed our opinions and we both took things on board and carried on with our lives ( i had always been used to people holding stuff in till it explodes to a full blown argument ) so it was actually nice to know that we dealt with things in this manner.

the next thing to happen is 4.5 months in we decide to go on vacation together just to get out the country and spend some quality time with each other - and we had the best time, sightseeing, adventure seeking, it was really great to share some great memories and experiences with someone on the same page as me and we both agreed. however things changed around 3 weeks after getting back, an issue came up where she said to me i dont feel you show me enough affection - so we talked about this - and it kind of bugged her that i never held her hand - this is something ive never really done with any of my exes - it has nothing to do with how i feel about her its just basically im not one to hold hands tbh - sue me? not my thing but then she saw it as im not really in to her - and basically told me i shouldnt have to tell you to be affectionate towards me when im your girlfriend so i tried to explain to her that - its not the case at all - i have strong feelings for you and we are still gettin closer together - why rush things? she just kept to her guns and said well i shouldnt have to tell my boyfriend to hold my hand in public and this was going back and forth for a while. i said to her - i just want to take things slow until i put my full trust in someone, i dont open up to just anyone and i was playing things really cool from the start of the relationship, not being aloof but just not checking up on her everytime shes out - i gave her freedom as i didnt want to be the guy thats always hounding her and keeping tabs on her - i wanted to trust her as its something that i value alot in a woman. but she saw it as -- this guy doesnt hold my hand that much, he doesnt check up on me or doesnt mind when im not there - which in her mind shes basically thinking he doesnt care -- when in reality im trusting her enough and giving her freedom to do what she wants, chill with her friends ( which is so important to have your own individual life ) - i wasnt looking to get in to the mindfield of game playing and power struggles and all that - i wanted it to be natural, genuine and nice for once! I thought by her not having me completely in a way, she is still working for my attention but instead she basically just gave up and assumed i didnt like her

so anyways i would just like to know where do i go from here because - she obv thinks that way and basically has withdrawn from me, our communication has gotten less and less, i told her after we ''had the talk'' that its nothing to do with how i feel about you - its just when im ready...im ready to fully open up to someone so its a classic case of she thinks one thing and i think another - its diff. perceptions to the same issue but she doesnt want to see that for what it is, i do really like this woman and i did try and keep the comms open by sending her the usual good morning texts and she rang me still quite abit but the last few days weve had no contact at all - and im fine with that, but what would you reccommend i do in this situation. i dont want to go full overboard with all this affection now - as it will jus seem fake to her coz shes mentioned it - so do i do nothing? it just kind of bugs me that we had such a great time and we were, in my eyes getting closer.

we had great chemistry
A healthy sex life
Lived for the good times
Always laughing

any thoughts or questions jus ask. feedback much appreciated

Jay

[workingman78]

Simply put, she is more clingy then you are. People show emotions and affection in different ways, they also accept affection in different ways too. Put it this way, you may buy her a present to show affection, she would prefer you held her hand to show affection. Once you realize the issue here, it is a matter of doing something to help change it. The both of you would have to recognize when the other is putting out signs, and you would have to learn it, because it won't come naturally to you. Translation, you would have to consciously think to yourself "we are walking down a path, I bet she would like me to hold her hand"

[Wakeup]

i dont want to go full overboard with all this affection now - as it will jus seem fake to her coz shes mentioned it

She won't think it's "fake" because it's what she wanted you to show her.. It's YOU that will think it's fake because to you, it will be.

I think you best do something to show her you care without all your justifications and reasonings interfering with the spontinaiety. Frankly, I can't even fathom going on a vacation with my guy and not holding his hand or putting my arm through his arm.

If you're not broken up for good I suggest you plan something during the day to do together that is fun and that you make sure you hold her hand and show her lots of PDA's. A fall fair as an example.

You might want to read the Five Love Languagues as well so that if this relationship can't get on track then you'll understand how to figure out what your new partner needs to be shown from you so that she feels loved.

Good luck.

[workingman78]

The five love languages, I have heard of this, Wake up, any good ideas where I could acquire this?

[Wakeup]

Sure: Online or at any book store in the Relationship/Self Help section or even at the library near you.

[jay1234]

thanks guys for your help ill read the five love languages as it seems like a great book. In answer to some of your statements - we did hold hands and i did put my arm round her ALOT of the time on vacation, it just maybe wasnt enough in her eyes, or she felt it reason to basically end the relationship. But ive respected her wishes and we still communicated daily up until 2 days ago, where i havent heard a peep from her. Relationships help you learn about yourself aswell as others and thats currently what im doing - more so myself! but i do really like this woman, isit best to just give her space and time with no contact from me, or should i still be letting her know everyday that im thinking of her - or will it just be tiresome for her hearing that all the time and maybe me not getting the desired response - dont kno guys, im a bit lost. But i do genuinely care for her and i am a positive guy who is quite independant. my intentions are and will always be good. it jus kinda upsets me that she thinks i really dont care about her - so what do you think i should do?

thanks for your responses

[jay1234]

any thoughts...

[workingman78]

did you look up the book?

[Wakeup]

thanks guys for your help ill read the five love languages as it seems like a great book. In answer to some of your statements - we did hold hands and i did put my arm round her ALOT of the time on vacation, it just maybe wasnt enough in her eyes, or she felt it reason to basically end the relationship. But ive respected her wishes and we still communicated daily up until 2 days ago, where i havent heard a peep from her. Relationships help you learn about yourself aswell as others and thats currently what im doing - more so myself! but i do really like this woman, isit best to just give her space and time with no contact from me, or should i still be letting her know everyday that im thinking of her - or will it just be tiresome for her hearing that all the time and maybe me not getting the desired response - dont kno guys, im a bit lost. But i do genuinely care for her and i am a positive guy who is quite independant. my intentions are and will always be good. it jus kinda upsets me that she thinks i really dont care about her - so what do you think i should do?

thanks for your responses

If you contact her and she ignores you then I'd not contact her again. As hard as not contacting her again is, its what you have to do if she's made up her mind. I suspect if she's told you that she's done then you'll get over it quicker if you accept her decision and work on getting over her.
It's up to you if you want to reach out once more but don't have any expectations when you do and if your efforts don't budge her then it's time to go zero contact, acceptance and healing.

GL