Can this relationship be salvaged

[omnimax]

Newbie here and in quite a pickle so I'm appealing to the internet for advice...

I'll try to be brief. I moved across the country to take a new job as my old one was going down the drain. I asked my gf if she wanted to move with me as she wasn't happy with her job and location. After an initial no which I accepted, she said yes. Before I moved, my parents welcomed her to the family and said that after things settle down, get engaged. However, I did not give her an engagement plan even though I spoke to my parents about. I told her I was committed to her and gave her a nice piece of jewerly to show my commitment (not ring). I paid for most of her moving expense as well as the driving her to the new place. I paid for the hotels and was trying to setup apts for us. The big fight started just when we got to the new location at the hotel and lasted a few days. The fight started over how to share finances. I asked to split off a small portion of just my income into pot that i would save to support my parents (they need my financial support as I'm a big part of their retirement plan). My parents are nice,good ppl that busted their ass to support my brother and I but just didn't amount to much in life. She went ballistic at that idea as she wanted all of it in 1 acct and even went as far as say she controls the money (tho that was negotiated to joint control). She proceeded to say horrible things about my parents like how did they screw up so badly, why do you need to support them, why can't they make their own money, etc.... I was trying to explain the situation to her, that I wouldn't ask her for any of her money, just her emotional support and acceptance. After a few days, she kicked me out of the hotel. I was furious but in my anger, I told my parents what happened as I cracked under the stress of moving/new job/this fight. We tried to move on but my parents are furious also. My family values include protecting and supporting my parents as well as my own family. I still can't believe she would say these things but I don't understand how she can have those thoughts to begin with, let alone have it come out of her mouth. Her explanations don't seem to add up and she also has an issue of holding things in until she can't bear it anymore and it comes out in a fit of rage so i never have time to fix what I did wrong. She seems to be a completely different person when she's mad, going as far as to say that most girls won't go for a guy like me with my family background. She doesn't understand my family background and seems to be extremely angry about it because it doesn't match what her upbringing was. I made the mistake of not explaining this to her before we moved but I was hoping she would tell me what's bothering her but her habit of bottling things up doesn't help matters. But in the end, she moved for me and it's killing me that I can't take care of her because I don't believe we should be together. I made quite a few mistakes and I guess I made the biggest mistake of telling my parents so now they won't accept her...She wants to reconcile but I also feel like her and I have issues now. I'm starting to think her thoughts when she's angry are her real thoughts. When she's not angry, she's just able to control it. I do believe she loves me and at 1 pt, I loved her. I just didn't think she would harbor these thoughts which makes me wonder how compatible we are. Don't know what to do now...if I pick her, I lose my parents (they gave me an ultimatum) but she's also here by herself now because she moved for me and I don't want to leave her like this...

Thanks in advance.

[Wakeup]

Lucky you found out now and not later when she's spent all of your money so that neither you, or your parents have anything to retire on. I suggest that in your future dating plans, once you see a potential partner that you tell her what your financial obligations are. They're are a LOT of women out there that would not be happy with you (and subequently her) taking on the financial responsiblity of your parents so best make sure you're future gf/wife is on board with looking after your folks along with you.

Don't take her on as your partner, you're definately not compatible in life goals. Give her the plane/train or bus fair back to where she came from and thank her for letting you know all this before you got to your final destination as life partners.

[omnimax]

Thanks for the reply. Yeah I should have explained this in much more detail to her. We've talked about it in the past but not to the point of putting actual $ figures to it. Both of us wanted 1 big family, that each side gains a new family member. I feel like I'm pretty generous with her but I guess when things got more serious, she saw how generous I can be with my family and got jealous which doesn't make sense to me. I want to add that this wasn't our first fight about family. I told her that I would need to take care of them but that they are reasonable ppl and would try their hardest not to interfere with our lives together. We reconciled and I thought that was the end of it. I guess the real issue is that my parents dont' trust her and I have issues trusting her to on this topic. She has done what she could to apologize to me and my folks but subsequent arguments still seems to show her lack of understanding of the situation. What I also don't understand is that she has issues with me as well and just never brought it up until she couldn't take it. I don't understand why she would do that as well and tell me later that it was job to figure out something was bothering her....I think that's contributing to my trust issues with her because I'm wondering if she put up with a lot of things to be with me and in actuality, she never wanted to put up with those things to begin, in essence, making a compromise with herself but holding me accountable for it. That's why I wonder if this relationship can be salvaged...

[Wakeup]

I don't think it can be salvaged. You're not on the same page in commitment or in maturity. Anyone who would tell you that it was your job to figure out what was bugging her without communicating you will never be happy with. You're not a mind reader she has zero communication skills.... One of the cornerstones to a longlasting and successful union is communication. She's wanting you do do all the work without doing any communicating on what is and isn't making her happy. No way you can win with someone like that.

Just my 2cents.. perhaps someone else will see things more optimistically. Keep in mind you've had this discussion with her on more then one occassion and she's still not okay with you financially assiting your parents. How many chances do you think you'll give her to accept what you want to do with your money? How well do you think you'll be able to read her mind so that she doesn't have to take the time to communicate with you?

[warriormaiden]

She sounds like a gold digger.


Seriously, she flipped out on you because you're taking care of your FAMILY. FAMILY. They need you right now, and she can't seem to understand that. Or even appreciate that you are kind and generous enough to even do something like this. (Alot of people wouldn't)

She's self absorbed, and I'm pretty sur that if you were married, she would take control over your finances.

Don't feel guilty, it was her choice. You paid for everything, its not like she's going to be out of anything, except maybe a job. Seriously, leave her. With the anger issues and the selfish, yes, leave her alone and find someone who has a better heart.

[basilandthyme]

Just curious - if you did accept her apology and take her back, would she be fine with you supporting your parents? I suspect that if the two of you do reconcile, this will continue to be an issue.

[omnimax]

She was able to find a job before she moved so she does have a job here which was way better than her old job. However, I did uproot her from her friends and familiar surroundings (tho she didn't like our old place)

She says that she's ok with me supporting my parents and agrees with splitting a portion of my income for my parents. She's seems very apologetic and wants to reconcile. I don't believe she's a gold digger as she is generally very frugal but I'm still bother by how hard she fought me on these things and the words that were said. She still says that she doesn't know what came over her and she just went crazy from the stresses of dealing with new place, new job and the move. I was dealing with those stresses too and I knew she was stressed out. I was just hoping that with all the things I was doing, it was enough to show her that I'm committed to her and enough that she wouldn't go crazy on me...

We've had repeated arguments on this during the time when we tried to move on where I would also get into arguments with my parents about her asking me why I'm still with someone would could say those things about your own parents. I don't completely believe she's actually fine with it because when we talked about my current support for them which is minimal because they're still working, her questions seem to go towards money like did the hospital bill the come in yet. Perhaps my view is tainted right now given what has transpired. We're currently taking a break from each other which also made her angry because she moved for me and now says that I ruined her life. Aside from my parents' objection, being with her seems less and less likely now because I feel like there is 2 sides to her...

[michelle23]

I think she was just worried about the future and her anger took over. I wouldnt call her a gold digger based on that argument. Sometimes in anger people say things they dont mean out of frustration. Maybe she just doesnt understand the financial arrangment with your parents. You need to explain it in detail.and help her to understand.

You and she both need to sit down with your parents and apalogize. You ****ed up by dragging them into it and now they think shes the devil. Tell them you exaggerated, over-reacted, were just angry-ehatever you need to to salvage it and try to get them all back on good terms.

If you want to throw away a good relationship with a girl you were planning to marry over one big misunderstanding-go ahead but id day lots of people would have a hard time understanding y a child has to support their parents without knowing the details. Most people can barely support themselves these days and its so hard for young couples these days to get set up financially-she prob just didnt understand

[michelle23]

Also ur parents are being defensive and harsh. Most parents dont expect their kids to pay their retirement. Im not judging-just saying. Of course id do all i can to look after my parents in their old age but its kinda weird that ur already saving for that when you should be saving for your future, your house and your future wedding eith your future wife.

[omnimax]

Unfortunately, in my family and also my extended family, that's the case. Our parents were all immigrants with little education and worked their entire lives to make it but just didn't get to the point where they can secure their own retirement. My generation of kids in my extended family knew for awhile that we were going to be a big part of their retirement. I knew that so I worked hard to do well enough school/work-wise. I have a pretty good salary and I believe in my earning potential so I just didn't think it was going to be an issue for me as long as I keep working. I wouldn't ask her for anything other than emotional support and I'll bust my ass to make it happen. But I think you are right, I should have explained the entire situation to her before we moved.

But to your comment that she's just concerned about our future, I absolutely understand that and I can understand how she doesn't understand the situation but to get that angry? The words that she said must have come from somewhere and I'm just don't buy the argument that she misspoke in anger. How was she able to articulate in such detail what she didn't like so it just feels like she has resentment of the issue. We talked about family stuff before, fought about it but I didn't explain it to her at this detail. But I also didn't think we would be struggling either because if we combined our income together, we would be making close to $200k USD (pretax) right now. I believe both of us have good earning potential so I guess I didn't think it would be a problem. But I see how others think it can be weird, that already, I need to think about my parents retirement this early in life which she is at best struggling to understand and is not...

About your comment of apologizing to parents, yeah I screwed up by dragging them into this and should have just kept this between the 2 of us. I'm still struggling to figure out how to win my parents back. I have tried to see if I can smooth things over with my folks thru multiple phone conversations but they still show how angry they are so I think the best way right now is to take a break and emotions die down...But of course this isn't fair to her at all...

[Wakeup]

This is one of the reasons why divorce rates are so high. People don't realize that their first reaction to adversity is normally the one that is deep seated but instead of heeding the warnings and the fundamental non-compatibilty, they sweep it under the rug and get married anyway. The initial resentment goes on until its too big of an elelphant in the room to ignore and the marriage ends.

She deep down does not agree with you supporting your parents in their golden years. How will you when you divorce and whatever you've accomplished in net worth will be split between the two of you even if you're the one who has saved all the money for your parents. You best keep the money you save for them in their name right from the very beginning or when/if (more lilely then not) you guys break up. At least then she can't get her hands on half of it.

I think you'd do better to find a girl that actually understands the custom and won't be resentful of the fact that money that could be used as a couple won't be available.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[omnimax]

Thank you all for your replies, it's been very helpful in helping me sort this out.

@Wakeup: I agree with you. I felt like I tried explaining the situation to her. I even told her to go talk to her parents as it seems to me that they understand my situation and would be better able to explain it to her. I do believe her family shielded her from a lot of the harsh realities of life . It's great that she didn't have to see the stuff I saw but she struggles to understand my side and questions how parents can screw up this badly which to me is actually rather offensive. Her only frame of reference is her upbringing which seems very middle class to me. What i'm scared of is that my family situation won't go away and if she can't come to terms with it, i'm afraid she'll be resentful even if money isn't the issue. It's tough to explain struggling to make ends meet, working minimum wage jobs while trying to raise a family to someone whose never seen it or had to think about it. I am scared that even though she agreed to separate funds, she would be resentful that the portion of my money is being diverted to parents when deep down, she believes they should have handled their own retirement themselves.

The other issue that's really eating at me is that she moved for me. Even though I didn't force to come by any means, she did willingly uproot herself for me. I felt like my actions supported my commitment to her however I know is screwed up there too without giving her a plan. Now that she's here and we're going through serious issues, I feel absolutely irresponsible for leaving her here by herself now. I did promise her and her parents that I could take care of her before we moved but I didn't think this would happen either. But even if we break up, I can't stand the thought of being out of her life because she came here for me and I want to take care of her in some way and not let her feel like she's all alone here. I told her that she can always ask me for any help but I also know that it hurts her (both of us) for us to be in contact if we're not together. Don't know what to do here...

thanks again everyone.

[omnimax]

Just to clarify, we're not living together. After that fight, it was blatantly obvious something wasn't right. I helped her get setup in her new apt, offered to co-sign the lease (she declined) and bought her some furniture to help her get settled. I told her that if she needed anything including relocation, I would cover it.

[Wakeup]

I think that was a smart move... I also think you're very generous. Don't feel you need to support her. If she can't do this on her own then offer to send her back to her parents instead of you covering her's and your parents expenses. There is absolutely no reason that you should be a martyr.

Good luck, omnimax.

[omnimax]

Thanks for all the replies.

I guess at this point, she is my ex. She called a couple of days ago apologizing for her everything she did and telling me how much she misses me and wants to work on this relationship. She says she wants to change. I miss her quite a bit and I do believe she is sorry. But given what was said and happened, I just feel like there is still this gap that we may never bridge because I think she won't fully accept this situation. I care about her deeply and not being with her hurts but I can't overlook this rift and I don't think this is something that someone can will themselves into accepting. I do think that she wants someone else or not in the situation I am in and that we're just not right for each other. I feel too emotionally compromised to think straight but my gut is telling me that getting back together is not a good idea, at least for now. What questions should I be asking myself? Maybe it's because I'm having trouble letting go...