Hello,
Slightly depressed as I write this... which is probably why I stumbled on to this site... I will try to keep details vague for her.
Me and my girlfriend met during our Masters. We fell in love even though there were plenty of reasons not to (she was older, different religions, after her studies she wanted to move back to her home country, which is very very far away...).
She stayed to do a Phd and I started working. 4 years later and we are living together. I have finally found a decent-ish job that has future prospects and we are happy together... For the first times in our lives we have both felt content. In the past I had anxiety issues, depression, etc... I managed to get over them, but they still linger in the background... but with her it all disappears and I just feel as peace.
She has now finished her Phd and is going to move back to her home country. This was never a secret... it was a generally unspoken fact as I could not convince her to stay. I know at that point we should have just stopped being together, but we couldn't.
She wants to move back to her home country as she wants her children to be bilingual and grow up in the same culture as her. However, the main reason is that she has an elderly mother in her 70s who she wants to look after. She also feels guilt that her father became ill while she was studying, although she went back to look after him in his last months (by that I mean 24 hour care). What's worst is that she has siblings, who do not spend time with their mother (or the father before he passed)... but with their other half's family instead (i.e. take them on holidays, random hotel getways, etc... but they never ask the mother or father if they want to go... they only get in touch when they need something). Even worse is that they will visit, but only if the mother is cooking, etc... They will provide no help... just come, eat and go. So despite having knee problems her mother spends hours on her feet cooking and cleaning. My girlfriend's older sister is in the house, but does not talk to the mother or does anything in the house. We have attempted to speak to her siblings in the past, but they get very defensive and do not change. At the end of the day... except for a few moments a week her mother is left alone.
My girlfriend also has a niece who she is literally a second mother to, due to problems between her sister and her daughter. In fact one of the reasons why she moved away was to give her sister the opportunity to be a better mother... but she has not. Her sister is not a bad mother, but is very critical of the daughter and is emotionally distant and physically distant (due to lots of past issues). She has tried to help her sister, but the same issues occur. So in my girlfriend's eyes she provided that emotionally support, helped her niece to become confident and secure... but then for her to regress while she was away studying which she feels guilty for.
All the above is one of the reasons I do not want her to go... She will just be dedicating her life to others rather then making herself happy. Before she came to study she would work, look after the mother, help clean the house, cook, look after her siblings' children whenever they 'needed a break', etc.
I do not want to dedicate my life to someone who is dedicating her life to other people.
I do not want to move to her home country as I have family here (I do not mind moving away from family and we actually live in a different city to them, but her home country in question is around a 12 hour flight and would cost £600-£1000 per person for a return flight), I do not understand or speak the language there, it is a better 3rd world country but still has lots of corruption and hospitals are only good if you can afford to go private, I have a decent job here and if she started working we could be a nicely middle class couple and buy a house through a mortgage within a year or two and I am not sure I could find a decent job in her home country. There is also the issue of religion... while it would not cause an issue here... in her home country, while it will not cause any violence... it could potentially lead to discrimination and very unhappy family members. Mine would be unhappy... but that is about it.
I told her if she lived here, became a teacher she could spend her summers in her home country.
I told her I could wait for her. She could go to her home country for a few years to help her niece, mother, etc. They could even move here for the niece to start college/uni and we could look after the mother. But since she is older then me she wants to have a baby in the next year or two and her family are pressuring her to get married... ideally arranged and not with me...
I could go with her for a few years... but we do not have the financial security to do that and it took me so long to finally get a job with a decent income... I might not be able to find a decently paid job in her country... or mine when returning... Also she does not want to be there for just a few years...
Despite all of the above... The thought of being without her makes me seriously consider going with her, but it would cause so many problems and I worry that I will resent her for it.
It just feels ridiculously that when it is just about her and me... everything is perfect...
So the current situation now is that her mother and brother have came to see her graduate and she will be leaving in a month to go back to her home country. She is in another city visiting relatives with her family after picking them up from the airport and I am here getting packed and ready to go before she returns and spends her last month here. I thought about staying with her before she leaves, but it would be too awkward with her mother and brother here... And it would be too hard...
It would be easier if we did not love each... if we were breaking up... if there was some flaw in our relation when it is just about her an me... but the fact that it is ending like this makes it so much harder. The fact that at this time we love each other more then ever. We want to marry, have children...be together forever... If it was not for the fact that we are from two countries separated by thousands of miles we would be married by now.
So my options.... Let her go and move on with my life.... Go with her and deal with any problems.... Or I do what Florentino does in Love in the Time of Cholera (will not say anymore so I do not ruin the novel/film).
Any advice? Comments?