She wants to go on a break, need some advice.

[mkydavid]

Hi everybody. This is my first time posting here; I'm really in need of some advice.

This is going to be long. I can't stop myself from venting whenever I talk about this. I'll include a brief summary at the very bottom. If you want, you can read through the whole thing for a better idea of what's going on.

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I'll start with some back story. As a forewarning, this may be a little long. I still have trouble writing about this without venting a little bit.

My girlfriend and I have just transferred to a university after completing our two year degrees at a community college closer to our homes. The third of this month was our two and a half year anniversary.

We've both been quite stressed out for some time. I've been going to school non-stop for over a year in order to obtain the credits I needed to transfer to my university as well as working. She's been having a lot of trouble with homesickness. At her house, she was always a little bit too much of a caregiver to her dad, brother and sister than she should have been. While it was stressful for her, she has missed them badly since moving out.

Another problem that has developed is an issue with sex, mainly, that I want to more than she does. We were both so busy when we were still at home that it would sometimes be multiple weeks between times when we actually had the opportunity and once we got to school, she was so homesick that she often didn't feel like it. It became a sensitive issue between us because I felt like she wasn't attracted to me or something and she felt guilty and pressured because she didn't feel she was satisfying me. About two months before we got here we talked about maybe going to one of the free councilors at our school together.

Despite our issues, we do love to talk and to spend time with each other. We have many similar interests and she has always felt like my best friend to me, and me to her.

About three weeks ago, our problem started.

She invited me over to her house to hang out but she wasn't acting like herself. I asked her what was wrong and she responded, "nothing." I asked her if that was true and she said, "no."

When I got to her house we decided to take a nap because neither of us had been getting much sleep. She said that she would talk to me about what was wrong when we got up.

When we woke up she still didn't seem to be acting like herself. I asked her what was wrong and told her that she could tell me anything. After a long time of trying to get it out of her, she said that she thinks she might want to take a break from our relationship. I was prepared for pretty much anything but that and I kind of lost it. I wasn't angry, I just didn't know what to do.

I asked her why and she said that it was because we had just been together for so long and she was confused about things. She seemed to be avoiding something though and I remembered that she had made friends recently with a guy in one of her classes. I asked her if it really had to do with him and she said it did.

She insisted that she loved me and that she didn't like this guy more than me but she felt like a horrible person by having anything resembling non-platonic feelings for another guy. She said that while we were together, she didn't feel like she could get to know him and try to get rid of her feelings because she would feel guilty for being with him. She wanted to take some time to try to make them go away.

After that we argued and I said some hurtful things that I wish I hadn't, like telling her about my plans to propose to her in December. We have talked about getting married for a year or so, I just wanted to wait until we were on our own, away from our homes. This caused her to break down completely. I don't remember much of what happened, it's all kind of a blur. I just remember telling her not to make me wait too long for her decision and then left.

Two days later I had calmed down a bit and had some time to think. I had done some reading and found that people usually set a time frame for a break, I didn't want to just sit around and be totally in the dark so I decided on a time when I would let myself talk to her, three weeks from the day of the break, on October 3rd.

For a long time I couldn't figure out how this happened and I was angry at her. I did some thinking though and realized that maybe the stress we have both been experiencing could have contributed to this. We never go out and do things together anymore, when we do see each other we usually just watch a movie at her place or mine. I used to do these little romantic gestures for her like buying her favorite candy when I saw it or getting her flowers every once in a while but I realized I hadn't in several months (she does the same for me minus the flowers and plus a few other things). I also had time to think about the sex. When I was with her, we didn't have much of it and it seemed hugely important, but now that she's gone, it doesn't seem to matter as much to me anymore. What matters is her and being with her and how much I enjoy her company and just talking with her. Sex is important in a relationship but maybe not as much as I thought, maybe if I had kept in mind how much I enjoyed the other things, it would have followed. That's how it worked in the first half or more of our relationship. We never had to ask or turn each other down, it just kind of happened. I know I can't blame this all on myself (or maybe I can) but why not fix the problems I know that I can fix?

I called her and asked her if she had thought about the time frame. I also apologized for the things I had said to her. She said that yes, she had thought about it, but was too scared to call me and ask me about it. She was crying and apologizing for being a horrible person also. I told her she wasn't a horrible person and that I had been thinking about talking to her again on the third. She said that it sounded good but would rather talk on the second instead. We always try to do something like a mini anniversary on the third of each month (although that too has not been happening the last few months) and she wanted to be able to do that together because she had high hopes that these feelings would be gone by then and we could be happy together again. I asked her what would happen if the feelings didn't go away though and she said she wasn't sure and that she just hoped they would. I told her that there were some things that I wanted to change in our relationship and asked her if she thought it would be a good idea to give our relationship another shot on the 2nd if she was still confused, maybe for the same period of time, three weeks. She said that it sounded like a great idea.

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So the majority of the past three weeks has gone by now and the 2nd is this coming Thursday. While we went into this with the intention of not contacting each other until the 2nd, we have both broken down and called the other once and we have both sent emails to one another on multiple occasions. Also, we have been running into each other all over the place for some reason. It's really great getting to see her, she always asks to hug me and tells me how much she misses me. We say, "I love you" when we part also. I'm intent on going this last week completely without contact though (been doing pretty well so far) so our reunion will mean more on the second.

It's impossible to include every conversation here that we've had that has led to what I've been thinking about doing on the second. I figure it comes down to two possibilities, the first being that she's realized she's over this guy and we get back together again (on the condition that she'll forgive me she says). The second is that she's still confused, maybe more or maybe less than when we started all this. At that point I guess we'll give dating a shot for a few weeks and see if that gets rid of the feelings for this guy.

I'm going to ask her to go out to dinner with my on Thursday night but I don't know how to talk about all of this. Do we just not talk about it at all and have a fun date together like we used to? If this is the case then when do we talk about it? Do I ask her before dinner? During dinner (really don't want to do this, I don't trust myself on not getting emotional in a public setting)? Or do we have our fun date, walk around the city a little bit and then go back to her house or mine to discuss things in private? Frankly, I'm at a loss and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

EDIT: Oh, I just remembered something else. Do I ask her to try and limit contact with this guy when we're together again? They have class together so that may be hard. I was in a situation similar to her about a year ago. I had this thing for a girl in one of my classes. After doing some thinking about it I realized that I didn't want to go on a break and would rather be with my girlfriend. The problem was that I still had feelings for this other girl so I purposely distanced myself from her and, eventually, they were gone completely. I'm really glad I didn't make a bad decision in that situation.

((SUMMARY: My girlfriend has developed feelings for another guy. She assures me she loves me and misses me but she feels like a horrible person by having this crush on him. She wanted the time to try and work her feelings out. We've been on a break for three weeks and are meeting on the second of october to talk. I don't know how to handle this dinner or the time afterwords and that's mainly what I'm looking for advice on.))

[Cain]

Just so you know, she went on this break so she can see if her feelings for this guy are more than just a crush. Do not let her take you back after that. It likely means he didn't want her and she's coming back to you.

[Zehx]

A break, means that something is broken. I am sorry man but myself and a few other people on this forum have been through the break thing recently. Its confusing and making the right decision its damn near impossible. From my experience, cutting contact with her and make the girl question your feelings works the best, but there is no right answer. and from reading other peoples stories i have yet to hear a real success tale in regards to the infamous "I need a break"

[Cain]

A break, means that something is broken. I am sorry man but myself and a few other people on this forum have been through the break thing recently. Its confusing and making the right decision its damn near impossible. From my experience, cutting contact with her and make the girl question your feelings works the best, but there is no right answer. and from reading other peoples stories i have yet to hear a real success tale in regards to the infamous "I need a break"

Breaks can work depending on the reason for the break. Taking a break because you have a crush on someone else and want to see what can come from that isn't a healthy reason for a break.

OP, you might not want to listen, but you really need to show her that you don't need her. Take control of the situation and stop letting her decide what happens.

[mkydavid]

Yeah, I know. I think I've realized what was, "broken" though and it feels like it can be fixed.

Maybe I'm just being hopeful but it really seems like a few weeks of use being together and doing the same kinds of things we used to without putting pressure on each other in regards to sex might be a big help.

I had some cheap visits to a psych with my insurance so I decided to take advantage of them. She claims that my theory on this crush being a sort of escape is pretty plausible (no responsibility involved, no problems). We have yet to talk about what I should do when I see her again and how I should go about this whole trying to get back in a relationship together thing. We're discussing that tomorrow apparently and I've been antsy today.

@Cain

You're right, it's tough to listen. How do I show her that I don't need her though? She has been interested in working things out and I hate to just throw our relationship out the window, especially when we've both been so stressed. Should I just break up with her and tell her I have no interest in being with her?

[Zehx]

Well it sounds like your handling it pretty well. I wish I could help you more, but getting advice from me on the break wont get you back together, will just give you piece of mind. I was unable to fix my relationship, but cutting contact made the repair process for me alot easier, i think in these situations its everyone to their own, and something you have to figure out first-hand. Stay strong man, I hope it works out for you and if it doesnt, even with the way you feel, rest easy knowing it is possible to fall for someone else.

[mkydavid]

Thanks. You're right though. All I'm really looking for is piece of mind on this. (and some opinions because as helpful as that psychologist is she's damn good at dancing around actually giving straight forward advice lol)

And you're totally right. Each person is pretty unique, I guess I'll just wing it and bring things up when it feels right. That works usually.

Thanks to both of you guys for your opinions on this. Anybody else have some words of wisdom?

[lesa]

There is no way I would take back a person who treats me like second best. She wants to test out this other guy and if all goes well then it's adios to you. But if things don't go well she will be coming back to you. Yuck!

[Cain]

If you want her back then you need to show her that you don't need her by telling her that you don't know what you want right now. You need to show her, by not talking to her often and continuing this break, that you're fine without her. If she wants you back, you should make her work to get you back.