advice on break up

[scl1982]

Hey guys,

I have been reading this forum a lot recently due to my girlfriend splitting up with me and now feel I need to post my situation for peoples advice so here goes.

I had been with my ex for just over 4 years we rented a flat together for 2 years, and about 6 weeks ago she came home form work and said we needed to talk and she wasn�t happy, and didn�t know what she wanted anymore & she was going to move home for a bit to sort her head out.
That lasted 2 weeks before she finally came to a decision that she said� she still loved me but not in that way any more she felt we had become like best friends", and that she just wanted to be herself for a while.
I�m not sure if this change of hart has come because she started a new job 1 month prior to her breaking up with me and also the problem being that that month i had spent �1,000 buying furniture and other bits she wanted in order to sort our flat out and we were on the brink of booking an expensive holiday and were getting on really well.
She isn�t the kind of person to have made me spend money if she knew she was going to just up and leave to make things worse it was 2 weeks before my birthday!
sense then we have had some contact sorting the flat and furniture i have tried to keep things as friendly as possible on my part and have not done the 100 phone calls & text messages begging her to come back she seems to have moved on quite easily and i am confused how after 4 years you just walk away easily.

Am I doing the right thing by not contacting does any of this make sense please help.

[lahnnabell]

How old are you? I ask this because I find that people who get together while they're still young (18-23 give or take) are still in the stages of figuring out who they are. Sounds like she is right there. This job change may have inspired her to want to do some things with her life that will require her full attention which in turn may mean that her future will change. The fact that you guys were living together and buying furniture symbolizes to many that you were both getting ready to settle down and she may have realized that suddenly. It can really freak people out if they're not ready.

The other thing is that relationships have a way of screwing with our other priorities. It's difficult to find a comfortable balance that allows us to be functional human beings in our OWN lives, and to find enough common ground to coexist with another person. She may be wanting to do things for herself that don't necessarily include another person (travel, returning to school, moving for her job, etc.). This is not a personal slight against you (though it may feel like one), but this decision is mostly her doing right by herself.

It may seem like she's moved on quickly, but I'm sure she's doing her hardest to maintain her life and stay focused on her new job. This split may have been in the back of her mind for some time now. Sometimes people spend some time mentally preparing themselves for this type of break-up as it in a lot of cases in can be messy and upsetting (especially when dividing assets and other personal property). It's great that you haven't been calling or messaging her constantly because that would only push her further away. She is seeking a respite from the responsibility of the relationship and bugging her constantly would put her in the awkward position of having to forcibly cut off contact.

The best thing you can do for YOURSELF is to focus on your life. I know it's easier said than done, but it's doable. Pour yourself into work, make plans to go out with your buddies, pick up new or old hobbies. If you want to work things out you can tell her so, but leave it at that. If she misses you and what you to had together, she'll come back around. But you want it to be her decision, not because you persuaded her to stay.

[scl1982]

Hey Lahnnabell,

Thanks for the advice for your information I’m 28 and my ex is 25, as for life experience she was at university when we met, she has also lived in Russia & France for 6 months at a time as part of her course. I know she had a desire for us to go travelling and we had agreed to give it another year due to the fact she had started a new job and we needed to get some cash together.

Since the split i have got back to being me and doing new things learning the guitar and getting back into football and the Gym it has helped a lot, fortunately I have some of the best friends in the world who dropped everything straight away to help/shoulders to cry on that kind of thing.
I think the part I can’t come to terms with most is that fact that it was so sudden and we were getting on great no arguments or anything like that.

[lovesprouts]

She seems to be too confused and doesn't exactly know what she wants. I believe that once confusion sets in and this person has to *think* about the relationship, then you stop pursuing. It is just not worth it. You deserve to be with a person who is not second guessing the relationship. Someone who is sure of what she wants. So you should be going - good riddance and close the chapter and move on hopefully to better things. Good Luck!

[Gigabitch]

First of all, don't post a thread in more than one forum. I've merged the two you posted.

Secondly, the change in your girlfriend might seem sudden to you, but it's probably been a long time coming. She probably didn't mean for this to happen, and that's why she was still spending your money with you, but I'll bet she's been feeling that things weren't quite right for quite some time.

I know this realy feels terrible right now, but at some point you'll see that it's really for the best. If she doesn't love you the way she should, you shouldn't be with her anyway. You'll get through this.

[scl1982]

Thanks for all the replies sorry for posting twice, not having a great day today so need to post some stuff that’s going on with my were due to meet up tomorrow to clear the last few bits from the flat and then it will all be over, but I just need some advise on some of the stuff that has been going on between us lately.

Firstly she has been contacting me every other day Re sorting stuff for the flat and personal bits most of the time its stuff she really doesn’t need to contact me about should I read into this?
also we have a joint gym membership when we took it out I got a cheaper rate due to my pension but as we were a couple I said we would spit it 50/50 obviously now were not together I don’t want to pay a higher rate for the gym I mentioned this and she was a bit pissed off about it am i being unreasonable?
also I my Ex bought me 2 Bon Jovi tickets (for Christmas) for June when his in London I don’t have these jet as they haven’t been posted she has said I can still have these and she has also expressed that she would really like to come with me to go see him but she keeps stating its down to me I know its 2 months away but should I take her? And should I read into this?

I apologise if the above seems a bit jumbled its just hard to get all the things down running through my mind!

I must say as hard as i am trying to get on with my life i think about her everyday and all the good times we shared

[Incognito]

What she's doing is wrong. If she broke it off she shouldn't be sending mixed signals, which she is. As far as the gym membership? Screw her. If she doesn't want to pay for her half why should you foot the bill? As far as the Bon Jovi tickets its tough shit. Don't accept them and don't go with her. Accepting them would mean that you aren't all that angry at her, and going would allow her to perpetuate the false pretense that she will pick the relationship back up one day. She can just as easily take someone else. Don't continue to let her string you along. Once you are done getting your stuff don't contact her anymore and stop answering her calls. As long as you make it an option for her to "keep you available" by keeping in contact she will do so. She ended this relationship, so let it stay that way.

[scl1982]

Well had an intresting day clearing the flat yesterday with my Ex she seemed so cold and distant while i was trying to show it didnt bother me and acting like a always have. when speaking to my mates they reckon that she isnt complely happy with her choice, what does everybody else think???

[lahnnabell]

Dividing up assets and cleaning shared space is part of the dirty job involved when breaking up. She was probably trying to minimize drama by getting it done involving as few words as possible. Don't get your hopes up that her distance is going to propel her to run back to you. Either way, it'll be a long time coming back now that the space is cleared out and your living arrangements are rearranged.

Time for you to look out for yourself. Seems like she's done, so let her be done. Focus on the things you want now and let this girl go.