Girlfriend is driving me NUTZ!!! HELP!!!!!!!

[sammyj]

OK...where to begin.

I met my girlfriend about 6 months ago on a vacation I took for myself. For the duration of our stay there was no sex involved and we truely appreciated each other's company.

After I got back we emailed each other a couple of times and decided to keep in touch. Eventually we were skyping each other for hours almost 4 times a week.

Several months later we decided to go on another vacation and whether we had any sexual chemistry.

I was nervous out of my mind because I never had sex before, however she fully understood and was willing to embrace my virginity.

To make a long story short, our vacation was a smashing success, the sex was amazing, the vacation awesome and everything seemed spectacular. During one of the last days she asked me if I wanted to move in with her. I was hesitant at first, but than decided that it was worth a shot. This whole long distance thing was driving me nuts, and I was really crazy about her.

I told her that I would need 3 months to sort out my affairs in my home country before I could move out here. She agreed, and we continued to skype for this time.

As we both got to know each other better over skype, our desire for each other grew, and we counted down the days till I came to her country.

Here is where it gets messy:

After I moved in with her, she immediately started experiencing space issues, and couldnt stand the fact that I was here 24/7. During the days, I found that she was ok hanging out with me, and could remain close to me, however at nights she would cry about feeling claughstraphobic, and it seems very painful for her. A couple of weeks into my being here she told me she was no longer attracted to me, and could only see my imperfections. I dont love tooting my own horn, but really, all I have displayed throughout this whole ordeal is love and a whole lot of understanding.

What makes this so bizzare is that I find that she opens herself up to me, and than closes herself down. Again and again and again. This pattern keeps repeating itself and its driving me insane.

Also, even while she remains open, I find that the sex we have now is very one sided. She allows me to do all the work as she lies there.

My synopsis here is that she will only allow herself to remain fully open and engaged if she knows that there is no long terms aspect of the relationship. She must feel that she will become too dependent on me. The longer she is with me, the more needy she may become.

Last night she initiated sex, and it was just too painful for me because I dont find myself aroused when I do all the work anymore. I told her I just cant do it by myself. After this episode she told me yet again, that she wasnt attracted to me, and saw imperfections in me.

Oddly enough as I write this, she just called me and told me that she has been repeating this shpiel her whole life of bringing people close and than running away from them, and that she felt like she was in alot of pain, both because of the prospect of losing me and because of the pain she is causing me.

Seriously people.....HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should I wait? What the hell am I supposed to do? What does this girl want?!?!?!?!?!

[Dasein]

You moved in with someone after knowing them on holiday??? I'm sorry but everyone is different on holiday. You never get to know the real person until you have to live day to day.

Sorry to say it but it seems like a bit of a lost cause. I personally think you moved too quick in the relationship.

If she is actually telling you that she is not attracted to you why are sticking around for more of the same? It will only harm your self esteem if you continue with the relationship. Cut your losses and move away from this girl. You deserve more.

[1averagejoe]

Imho...that was a bit of a rash decision on your part to leave your country and live with someone you really don't know all that well. Cohabitation before marriage is really not the greatest thing, studies have shown that it likely leads to divorce. But you started living with someone in another country, which you really didn't know too well other than talking online. That's a bit crazy...

This girl sounds like she either has a lot of excess baggage from a previous relationship, or she's depressed or got problems.

Cut your losses and find someone in your area.

[sammyj]

You moved in with someone after knowing them on holiday??? I'm sorry but everyone is different on holiday. You never get to know the real person until you have to live day to day.

Sorry to say it but it seems like a bit of a lost cause. I personally think you moved too quick in the relationship.

If she is actually telling you that she is not attracted to you why are sticking around for more of the same? It will only harm your self esteem if you continue with the relationship. Cut your losses and move away from this girl. You deserve more.

Well...she TELLS me she isnt attracted to me, however her body tells me a whole different story. She initiates sex 90% of the time, and is quite receptive and reciprocal to most moves i make on her during the day.

Truthfully, I agree with you inasmuch as I deserve more than a girl who tells me im unattractive...however, I guess Im desperate at this point, and I made this HUGE sacrifice to come here, so im clinging to hope i suppose. Ill keep you guys posted on my journey.

Thanks a ton for the responses!!!

[ecojeanne]

Oddly enough as I write this, she just called me and told me that she has been repeating this shpiel her whole life of bringing people close and than running away from them, and that she felt like she was in alot of pain, both because of the prospect of losing me and because of the pain she is causing me!

i think maybe she has just admitted to u what her problem is, how about having a discussion with her specifically about this? make sure u kno what u want...ultimately u want to be appreciated for all ur efforts right? moving all the way over to her....u made the huge commitment...also i reckon ur emotions are running wild because u lost ur virginity to this girl....of course u care deeply and uve shown it. she may not be ready for this...but i think a discussion is in order....if u cant get any conclusive answer then the other posters are right....go back home and use the experience as a learning one....but dont beat urself up about it...everyone makes mistakes.

[kene]

Ouch, don't think this one will work out.

[CompletePimp]

You're done. Get out NOW. This is extremely unhealthy and just mean and superficial on her part. She's not good for you. When things START this way, they only will get worse. GO! NOW! RUN! Not worth the trauma!

[Petit Papillon]

Run Forest,Run!! I may judge,that You've moved to Germany? You wrote "shpiel" actually it should be "spiel" so I think it's not Your native language Buttt...Maybe think about coming back to Your homecountry ?

[starbuck]

Why on Earth would this woman would ask you to move in with her and then make you feel this way? That is just a big bowl of wrong.

Sammy, don't worry about the sacrifices you made. If she's making you miserable, you're sacrificing WAY more by staying with her at this point. This is precious time that you can use to find another girl and get your life back in order. How do you even feel about her at this point? Do you feel strongly enough about her to try and work with her through what might be deep-seated emotional problems?

[sammyj]

Why on Earth would this woman would ask you to move in with her and then make you feel this way? That is just a big bowl of wrong.

Sammy, don't worry about the sacrifices you made. If she's making you miserable, you're sacrificing WAY more by staying with her at this point. This is precious time that you can use to find another girl and get your life back in order. How do you even feel about her at this point? Do you feel strongly enough about her to try and work with her through what might be deep-seated emotional problems?

My girlfriend wholy acknowledges how scared this relationship makes her. Her entire childhood was wrought with parents who were obsessed with making her feel inadequate, so it comes as no surprise that she pushes those away who are closest to her. Its a natural reflex for her to believe that I too, will end up abandoning her and make her feel unattractive. Thus there are 2 things playing simeoultaneusly here. 1) She fell in love with me, and wants me to be with her. 2) She is terrified i will end up throwing her into the gutter. Hence she truely does find me both attractive, and unattractive.

She is going to therapy for this, and my gut tells me that eventually she wont need to do this psychotic behavior.

I do feel like its also important for me not to victimize myself if I choose to stay in this relationship. I cant deny that I have immense feels of love for her, despite everything. For now, I am taking a wait-and-see approach. If nothing changes within the next month or so, than I will take it as a cue to leave. In the meantime though i will have to give myself the strength to endure.

[sammyj]

I had a revelation yesterday for those interested.

My girlfriend spoke to me yesterday about how she hates it that I point out to her how much I give her, and how little she reciprocates.

At first I took this as an admition of how bad she must feel that she has to do this whole "open closed" thing.

Than something yesterday struck me.

I keep asking myself why I am in so much pain. Could there be some truth to what she was saying?

I think I am beginning to realize how desperately I seek her warmth and attention. I seek grounding in her. I cling to her. I hate her every time she tells me she doesnt want to hang out with me, or be close to me. Quite frankly, I am a user. I have begun to realize how much I am a user through this experience. Honestly, I could spend every waking moment with her and not get bored or tire of her. I used to believe this was because I dont experience space issues with her, and that somehow I have this unlimited resoivoir of love to shower upon her. All this seemed very true to me. Now though, I am seeing a much different picture. I see myself as finding my source of strength within her. Sure my girlfriend might have issues, but it is very violent of me to perpetuate this belief that my girlfriend doesnt give me enough. I dont think my girlfriend could ever give me enough.

Sadly I am begininng to see that I am as much responsible for this as she is. I cant make her responsible for the way I feel. I cant guilt her into loving me. This is horrific.

For now, if I were to be honest with myself I dont have the energy to just leave this place. I think i would hurt myself if I did cold turkey. However, I am starting not to be as angry or spiteful toward her for not showering me with the same love and affection I give her.

I am not saying this will necessarily turn her around, but I believe that its important for me regardless to discover where I can get strength outside of her. (Or dare I say, from "within")

[Gigabitch]

However badly she's dealing with it, I have to take her part in just one respect: if I never got a single moment alone at home because my husband was there 24/7, needing my undivided attention, I'd be pretty unpleasant too.

Get out of the house sometimes. It'll do you both good.

[starbuck]

I do feel like its also important for me not to victimize myself if I choose to stay in this relationship. I cant deny that I have immense feels of love for her, despite everything. For now, I am taking a wait-and-see approach. If nothing changes within the next month or so, than I will take it as a cue to leave. In the meantime though i will have to give myself the strength to endure.

I think a timetable is smart. It's being fair to yourself for the emotions you have invested in your relationship, but also giving you an end in sight if she doesn't change.

I was also in a relationship like this, in which we cohabited way too quickly. And when it started to go down the tubes, setting a timetable was exactly the advice my therapist gave me at the time. I gave him four months to shape up or get the boot. Unfortunately, I had to give him the boot. I hope it works out for you, and she comes around. You sound like you're handling the situation quite rationally.

[LAtoJapan]

From the sounds of things, this relationship is not very healthy. From the things that you have described about her, she sounds to be bi-polar. One minute she is friendly, next she is extremely depressed then she might even initiate intimacy. Girls who are bi-polar tend to want relationships to move superfast only to bring pain and strife and even push away their mate.

This process will continue for the rest of her life and do you really want to live your life like that. I know that the girl that you lose your virginity to brings some sort of attachment but it is actually just a start and maybe you can find that girl that will fulfill your sexual desires. Your ideal partner should also be a great sex partner. If sex is only one person doing all the work, obviously only person cares about it.

[yolanda55]

Wow, this girl was definitely messed with. It sounds like she was most likely molested as a child. Her symptoms sound like PTSD and I don't think she'll get better without counseling. If you do truly care about her, think about counseling. If you think it's too much to get into, leave now before you get more attached.