Complicated situation help. Please help

[thedude1]

Hello Guys.

My name's Josh, i am 21 and here's the story.

I have been seeing this really wonderful girl for about 2 months. I can honestly say that i am falling for her, she is really what i was looking for to have a stable relationship. Up until now it's been going really nice.

But a couple of days ago while we were watching a movie she just broke down and started crying. Confused, i kept asking what's wrong? Did i do anything? but after a couple of minutes of not saying anything she just uttered the two words i HATE to hear when in a relationship. "My ex-boyfriend". Having had 2 really similar experiences, with girls i really liked leaving me for their ex's it really hit me hard. She then explained that the reason she is crying is that she feels really "sorry" and "guilty" because she found somebody and her boyfriend didn't. At this point i even more confused. She went on to say that she met her ex-boyfriend in the hospital, both being really sick (but he has a long-term illness) and that's when they started their relationship. This was 4 years ago. After 2 years she broke up with him because apparently she didn't feel sexually attracted to him, from what she told me, he became more of a brother than boyfriend. (which is weird ...to say this after 2 years together) but anyway. After they broke up they remained friends, as she put it, really really good friends. He still likes her and wants to get back with her and as a side note, when she told him that she got a boyfriend, he was sad.

They apparently talk every day and see each other every month. When i tried trying to explain to her that i'm not that ok with this CONSIDERING that he still likes her and that she obviously has some more-than-normal emotional attachment to him she immediately said. "if you make me choose i'll choose him". Which shocked me....

Now i[m confused and... kind of bummed out. I don't know what to do. I really like her...but i don't think this can work if that guy is still in the picture. For god's sake. Last night she woke up in the middle of the night and started crying that she feels bad for him because he is sick and doesn't have a girlfriend and there was i ... comforting my girlfriend while she was crying about her ex-boyfriend. Hated it. She feels guilty and she wants to help him. I tried telling her that it's not her fault and to just try and relax but she kept repeating "i HAVE to do something I HAVE to do something".

So, this is it. I don't want to seem mean but i don't care how sick that guy is. If i am her boyfriend then i should be her priority. I don't want to commit to somebody who doesn't consider me to be the most important person in her life.

Please, please help me with some advice.

THANK YOU

[basilandthyme]

I agree with you completely.

This early stage we spend with people is about getting to know who they are and how they operate. What you're seeing now is a red flag. I can't even begin to imagine the origins of it, but I wouldn't be OK with it either.

If I were you, I'd be taking a step back and reconsidering having her as a girlfriend.

[Guybrush]

They apparently talk every day and see each other every month. When i tried trying to explain to her that i'm not that ok with this CONSIDERING that he still likes her and that she obviously has some more-than-normal emotional attachment to him she immediately said. "if you make me choose i'll choose him". Which shocked me....

Well, that is it. Whether she is prepared to accept it or not, she has to choose. That is how relationships works. There are probably hundreds of threads about dealing with ex's, and they all seem to lead to the same conclusion.

What makes this special is that she feels guilty about him being ill. And she seems to try and involve you in that feeling of guilt, like you have stolen something from someone who is down.

So, this is it. I don't want to seem mean but i don't care how sick that guy is. If i am her boyfriend then i should be her priority. I don't want to commit to somebody who doesn't consider me to be the most important person in her life.

You are absolutely right.

[basilandthyme]

They apparently talk every day and see each other every month. When i tried trying to explain to her that i'm not that ok with this CONSIDERING that he still likes her and that she obviously has some more-than-normal emotional attachment to him she immediately said. "if you make me choose i'll choose him". Which shocked me....

I don't know how it happened, but I missed this paragraph! It changes all my advice. She's clearly shown that you are #2 priority to her. She needs to be dumped immediately. And don't feel bad for doing it close to Christmas - because she's brought this upon herself.

I hope you still have the receipt for her gift!

[vi_la]

She's made it clear. What does she expect, that you'll be happy being her #2? It's not right. Maybe after enough time of them apart for the romantic feelings to die, the brotherly-sisterly emotional-support type relationship could be understandable but it's not platonic, not on his part. You're in the right here. Don't let her tell you you're mean. It's not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. You'd be doing the best thing for yourself not to commit at this stage.