does just friends mean just friends forever

[Gobears1]

I started talkin to a woman that I sort of talked to like 12 years ago again during last summer. Things were great for a few minutes and we were more than friends but not officialy a couple... Then I started talking to her bad and being mean and accusing her of doing things everyday and she got tired of it and said she just wanted to be friends...and for the last couple months we still text and kind of argue and I try to show her im changing and wont make the same mistakes that I did last time but its like she doesnt care and doesnt believe me..and now im always thinkin about her hookin up with other dudes and dating other dudes and theres nothing I can do about it...and I hate that I messed it up because she was so nice to me and now its like she doesnt want to give me a second chance..and im hurt all the time because I hurt her and I didnt mean to and im having trouble moving on...do you think she will ever change her mind and give me a second chance..or do you think she will just want to be just friends forever or do women sometimes change their..i cant believe how quick her feelings changed towards me.....thanks for the help

[Ann S]

I take it you were verbally abusive? And this girl's behavior said, "Nope, not havin that! I'm movin on!" And you don't like that. What steps have you taken to change? I'd like to know. Write them down. And there is another issue here. Why do you feel you need to hurt women? Why do you think you deserve a second chance?
If she decides to give you a second chance (which there are no indications of) you better have the discussion about what you did, why, and how you've changed. Sometimes being up front and honest makes a difference. Ann

[basilandthyme]

You may not believe how quick her feelings changed, but I can certainly believe it. A display of appalling behaviour is the best way to turn someone off you...and once people have turned off, they mostly don't change their minds.

It's unlikely she'll be 'friends forever' She will meet someone else in time and you'll become someone she used to know.

[Gobears1]

Ann I definetly do not feel the need to hurt women it just kind of happened and I said some crazy stuff to her that I shouldnt have and now I have learned from it...i am seeking help for my anger issues...i just hate that I hurt her and that I didnt mean to..and now the next woman I date I will know how to treat her better but all I really want is the chance to show this woman that I can treat her better because she really was nothin but nice to me and it was my fault that I messed it all up. And basilandthyme your probly right I did turn her off in a big way and now im payin for it and have to live with it.......do you know of anyways that I could try to get her to like me again and I know its a very longshot but I like her so much that I will try anything....thanks for your help

[jimkryzynski]

Duh, what's new?

[jimkryzynski]

I've been searching and searching.. but to no avail, i keep on crashing head first.

[ashley89]

you treated her like shit, she wanted nothing to do with it and now you're wondering why? gee, I'm stumped.

[Gobears1]

Ashley your right and I understand that but im not a bad person I just made a mistake and now I would like a 2nd chance to prove to her that I am a good guy and I can treat her right,the way she deserves to be treated...and im askin if you females know a way that I could try to get a second chance...i really didnt mean to hurt her.

[Cerby]

Ashley your right and I understand that but im not a bad person I just made a mistake and now I would like a 2nd chance to prove to her that I am a good guy and I can treat her right,the way she deserves to be treated...and im askin if you females know a way that I could try to get a second chance...i really didnt mean to hurt her.

What you're not getting here is that it doesn't matter to her now. Most of the time you only get one chance, and you blew it, its gone. There is nothing to save unless SHE wants to tryto make it work, which she doesn't. You say you've learned some lessons - great, apply them to the next relationship you try out. This one is over.

i really didnt mean to hurt her.

Then what did you mean? To make her laugh by saying bad things? What DID you say, anyways? This will give some context to the situation.

[ashley89]

I just made a mistake and now I would like a 2nd chance to prove to her that I am a good guy and I can treat her right

you would LIKE a second chance but that doesn't mean you're going to get one. maybe some people give second chances but it sounds like this girl has a good head on her shoulders and isn't gonna put up with being treated like crap. I don't know of any way you could get another chance because if a guy was rude to me and said mean things, I would have no interest in him anymore. she's free to go do what she wants and deserves to make her own decisions, and who's to say you wouldn't do the same exact thing even if you did get back with her?

[jimkryzynski]

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you would LIKE a second chance but that doesn't mean you're going to get one. maybe some people give second chances but it sounds like this girl has a good head on her shoulders and isn't gonna put up with being treated like crap. I don't know of any way you could get another chance because if a guy was rude to me and said mean things, I would have no interest in him anymore. she's free to go do what she wants and deserves to make her own decisions, and who's to say you wouldn't do the same exact thing even if you did get back with her?

That's a shame, you really should unwind, perhaps take time to go to a park, feel the air and just chill in front of the computer browsing light and bubbly sites.

[Gobears1]

Yea ashley I understand what your sayin...but im really not a mean person, I just made some mistakes. I didnt even mean the stuff that I said to her and your right she does deserve to be treated the right way like every other woman...i just wish she would give me a chance to replace those bad memories with good memories and to show her I can change because I want to change. I want to be the best person I can be....it just sucks for me that she doesnt want to give me a second chance..thats why I was asking you females for help on how maybe I could try to get her to give me another chance because I never meant to hurt her.

[Ann S]

Most women like feeling respected and admired by their man. They usually like kindness also. You might ask her if you could take her out for dinner/lunch - a meal - and tell her that the reason you are asking her is that you want to apologize for your past behavior. If she is interested in hearing you, she'll say, "OK." If she says, "No," you're done and you just have to learn to accept it.
We can never take back the, "crazy stuff," we say to someone. Here's something that has worked for many - it's called an anger contract - it goes like this: "Honey, when I start to feel that I'm reaching my boiling point, I want you to know that I might need to leave the house and take a 10 minute walk. I need you to know this up front so that if we are in the middle of a disagreement and I tell you I'm going for a walk, you won't feel abandoned, and you'll know I just need to cool off. And I want you to know I'll be back." Taking a break helps prevent, "crazy stuff," from being said. Those of us who are the recipients of wounding words, may forgive, but we rarely forget.
Discuss this anger management plan with your partner so you'll both be on the same page. Let us know what happens! Ann

[Gobears1]

Thanks for the advice ann that seems like a good idea. But the bad news for me is that I have asked her to let me take her out to lunch a couple times in the last month and one night when I asked her she said she would consider lettin me take her out to lunch the next day but the next day when I texted her she said she went into work on her day off..then recently she has been tellin me she doesnt like to text me as much as she use to or talk to me because when she hears my voice she hears me saying the mean stuff that I said to her, and she said she cant hang out with me right now...so to me it sounds like she has found her another man but when I asked her she said no its because I havent changed and I still keep accusing her of stuff...so its kind of like im bugging her now so I know what I need to do now and thats to give her space abd not text her much although I will check in to see how shes doing from time to time..this will be hard to me and I hate the idea of her being with other dudes and my heart will continue to bleed while I miss her voice and everything else about her but I dont think there is anything else I can do but make myself better and hope one day she can forgive...this hurts alot, I feel bad because I hurt her and didnt mean to and I feel bad because she doesnt like me anymore all because I ruined it and got mad and said stupid stuff to a nice woman...if could give some advice to anybody it would be to really think about what you are saying to people before you say it because words can hurt people bad and you will be the one to end up being hurt worst in the long run.

[Ann S]

Do you keep accusing her? This is her truth, so there must be some truth in it! What do you have to say about this. In any event, you have a choice: 1. You can continue living in the past and all the pain you are feeling affiliated with this relationship or 2. You can learn from your mistakes (maybe you haven't learned because she says you haven't changed) and not repeat them in your next relationship. You say you didn't mean to hurt her? Of course you did, at the time because you were angry. It seems that when you are angry you believe retaliating is the best way to deal with it. But that belief isn't working for you, so I encourage you to get some help about this! Your last sentence is so accurate! Good for you. Ann