Signs of Improvement

[Aeradalia]

Just to recap... my guy said that he didn't see a possible future and basically seemed to be backing out of the relationship but still wanted to keep a relationship. However, I think he was just losing confidence in himself... especially in response to the hostile environment he now finds himself in.

We talked a little bit more... I sent him an encouraging email... all the while trying to help him feel that he is worthy... and does have much to offer (despite what he may think). He's starting to come around... even had a bit of fun on the webcam... though he was reluctant at first (didn't like how he looked on there)... but after 5 minutes, and a lot of compliments later (honest and straight from the heart compliments)... he had loosed up quite a bit... and put on quite a show (if I do say so myself ).

Everyday I mention something about him that I really like (his personality, his thoughts, his appearance... what he has done recently.. etc), and he really has started to look forward to this. His disposition has become quite a bit more cheery... and though his work is still stressful for him... he says he feels less bothered by it.

I think taking away the stress of worrying about a possible future is really helping him out... since he is so caught up with work right now. He still talks of plans he has... what he would like to do.. and how he wants both of us to share in that. He still hopes for the future... and so I take that as a good sign. I think when he comes home... he'll feel more sure of himself again.

In the meantime... I'll keep giving friendly reminders of what a great guy he is... and how lucky I feel to have him in my life..

[Lite]

Well at least you got some webcam action in!

[Aeradalia]

Well at least you got some webcam action in!

Hehe.. yeah.. I take what I can get at this point... and perhaps it's too early to tell... but I do feel more at ease with him loosening up a bit. He still confides in me, and tries to get in touch as often as he can.

I'll take the 'wait and see' approach, but I'm getting a really good feeling from him. Maybe he's beginning to realize I'm not going anywhere - that I'm not going to leave him (and thus he doesn't have to 'let me go' before I hurt him)?

[TipsGoda]

you are such a positive girl..wish all girl can think like this...work done well..im sure he is going to appreciate your effort..

[Gigabitch]

I like the fact that your story illustrates that there are such things as high-maintenance men, Aeradalia.

[Aeradalia]

I like the fact that your story illustrates that there are such things as high-maintenance men, Aeradalia.

Eh.. it's a labor of love... really. Besides, I doubt that I'm exactly 'low-maintenance' either... I have my times of insecurity and needing of affection too. Like to think that it cancels each other out. I also think there's a part of me that kind of likes his complexity... perhaps because it's more like a mystery to solve... or something akin to a chase.

He appeals completely to my bisexuality (personality-wise)... in which I crave both masculine and feminine qualities... so his 'sensitivity' and 'high-maintenance' along with his more traditional masculine qualities just seems to satisfy. Didn't think that such a thing was possible... that I'd be doomed the typical bisexual paradox of 'can't have both' (at least with the mental/emotional aspect).

So, hopefully this will all work out... but I am on guard for wishful thinking, only time will tell. At the moment... he seems to be responding well to my encouragement (and no, I'm not telling him what to do... just trying to help him see his own good qualities... the rest is up to him).

[lesa]

I didn't know your man was backing out of a relationship, Aeradalia. I'm sorry to hear that.

A relationship (especially a young one) should not be really difficult to maintain. I believe you are moving towards the female version of the "White Knight Syndrome". Be careful helping a man out. Once he "gets better" he may dump you for a woman who wouldn't do such a thing for a man.

Men really don't want a helper for a spouse no matter what they say to you.

Here's a test: Don't do anything for him and watch how he suddenly finds you more attractive. Helpers are nice but they do absolutely nothing in maintain or building up attraction.

Let him get the counseling, financial advisor, or whatever his issue is all on his own. Give support and show care, yes, but not do these "maintenance" stuff as Giga has put it (which is my definition of high maintenance too) just to keep him and the relationship going smoothly.

I agree that he sounds high maintenance.

Just saying.

[Aeradalia]

I didn't know your man was backing out of a relationship, Aeradalia. I'm sorry to hear that.

A relationship (especially a young one) should not be really difficult to maintain. I believe you are moving towards the female version of the "White Knight Syndrome". Be careful helping a man out. Once he "gets better" he may dump you for a woman who wouldn't do such a thing for a man.

Men really don't want a helper for a spouse no matter what they say to you.

Here's a test: Don't do anything for him and watch how he suddenly finds you more attractive. Helpers are nice but they do absolutely nothing in maintain or building up attraction.

Let him get the counseling, financial advisor, or whatever his issue is all on his own. Give support and show care, yes, but not do these "maintenance" stuff as Giga has put it (which is my definition of high maintenance too) just to keep him and the relationship going smoothly.

I agree that he sounds high maintenance.

Just saying.

I've been gauging my responses towards him... checking to make sure that I'm not trying to make him into something he's not... as well as making sure I'm not sacrificing my needs in the process... I realize that these posts are from my views only and offer no reference to what he has done throughout all of this...

With the email I sent... he quickly replied with thanks for the words of encouragement (if he felt I was telling him what to do... he would've questioned the email and asked my motives - despite his sensitive nature... he can be direct as well). He also replied remarking on of all the qualities he loved about me.

Aside from the email and a few comments thereafter... I have not followed this approach any further... I merely reminded him of his good qualities... and it is up to him to accept this or not. However, he had made it clear that he wants to keep this relationship... he does have hopes for the future... but feels he cannot guarantee a possible future 100%. I told him that no one can make such a foolproof guarantee... and once more he relaxed.

I believe he is unsure of himself because of the nature of the place he now finds himself. Judging from what my brother (who is also in Iraq) has told me... being there has a way of reminding you of your own mortality... so perhaps his thoughts are dwelling more into the morbid?

Anyway... he will be going 'silent' some time next week... and he believes it will be for a week... but he's not really sure, as they have to travel quite a distance. So when he finds his way back to a reliable form of communication... I will be able to see what this 'test' of yours reveals...

[chipmunkz]

keep moving and enjoy your relation

[Aeradalia]

I like the fact that your story illustrates that there are such things as high-maintenance men, Aeradalia.

I agree that he sounds high maintenance.

Just saying.

Or a man that is in the middle of a war zone and would much rather not have me get my hopes up about a family, kids, and happily ever after... when it's a very real and distinct possibility that he may not make it home. Hell... maybe he's not wanting to think about it himself.

I believe location has an awful lot to do with his 'high-maintenance' at the moment. His sudden change in behavior upon arriving there suggests this. He's a very thoughtful person... even when being seemingly selfish.

If the worse should happen... I think it gives him peace of mind to know... that at least I won't be crushed by all the 'promises' we had made.

Anyway... it is my goal as his SO to ease his worries and alleviate his fears - help him to remain in a good frame of mind so he can do his job and come home. He doesn't have military training to 'toughen him up'... he's a civilian who has never been in a worn-torn country. He doesn't talk in specifics about what his job over there... so I can only imagine what he may have seen so far.

[Mish]

I don't think this will end well





I hope you will prove me wrong