Meeting His Needs

[treehugger101]

Lately my Boyfriend I have been fighting on and off and during these fights he's mentioned of how he wants a Girlfriend that does the following;

Respects him
Empathizes with him
Sympathizes with him
Treats him as a Equal
Communicates with him

So I was thinking, if I don't do these things then why are you with me? Why not find another girl that will do these things for you? I don't feel I am meeting what he wants or needs in this relationship, because I don't do these things. What to do?

[SuperHappyTime1]

Lately my Boyfriend I have been fighting on and off and during these fights he's mentioned of how he wants a Girlfriend that does the following;

Respects him
Empathizes with him
Sympathizes with him
Treats him as a Equal
Communicates with him

So I was thinking, if I don't do these things then why are you with me? Why not find another girl that will do these things for you? I don't feel I am meeting what he wants or needs in this relationship, because I don't do these things. What to do?

Being single and going back to dating sucks, especially if you get sex during a relationship. In those instances the "easy route" might be to to try and fix what's in front of you than to find something new.

So why don't you respect, empathize, sympathize, communicate, or treat him as an equal?

[Lilly328]

Maybe he is coming to realize you are taking him for granted, whines too much, and taking advantage of him. About him not wanting to take you out to a places he feels is dangerous, doesn't want him to hang out with his female friends , not having time for you when he's going to college, not picking up your calls when he's sick, and etc. Cut him some slacks. Why not just give him a little of what he asked for? Maybe he's still with you because he does love you.

[basilandthyme]

So I was thinking, if I don't do these things then why are you with me? Why not find another girl that will do these things for you? I don't feel I am meeting what he wants or needs in this relationship, because I don't do these things. What to do?

He's hoping that by telling you that there are problems, that you will try and fix what you're doing wrong. When he realises that you won't change, that's when he'll leave.

As for what you can do now - well you can either change, leave or stay and accept all the fighting. Choice is yours.

[treehugger101]

Well he's been feeling sick this past weekend, and he said he was also depressed. He wanted me to comfort him and I don't know how to comfort him if he's depressed. I don't want to make matters worse.

[basilandthyme]

Well he's been feeling sick this past weekend, and he said he was also depressed. He wanted me to comfort him and I don't know how to comfort him if he's depressed. I don't want to make matters worse.

This is not relevant to the bigger problem he describes

[toshiba]

Being single and going back to dating sucks, especially if you get sex during a relationship.

THIS! I have gone years between finding someone "good enough" to make my GF.

[treehugger101]

Well I am hoping to be a better Girlfriend and meet what he wants.

[SuperHappyTime1]

Well I am hoping to be a better Girlfriend and meet what he wants.

Then when he becomes a whiny punk, tell him you want to be a better GF, listen to what he says, tell him you can try to start doing those things (within reason), and then start trying to do those things.

[treehugger101]

But he now is saying he doesn't want me to change.

[topazlight]

All he said he wants a GF to be represents loving another, maybe he is saying he feels you do not love him and that is a huge issue. Work on that quickly, or risk losing him.

[TheEvilJester]

You've posted a lot of threads lately, but I'm still not feeling like we are getting the full picture. For example, in this case it is very hard for me to know how to comment. The thing is....

On the surface, there is absolutely nothing wrong with what he describes wanting from a girlfriend. Your significant other should respect you, empathize with you, communicate with you, etc. If not, they don't deserve to BE your significant other.

So, the question becomes do you feel you ARE doing all these things and he is just unfairly judgmental and nitpicky? OR do you feel he is right, and you DON'T provide these things to him? I'm not him, I'm not you, and I'm not a witness to your relationship and interactions together. So, I have no way to know if you are not giving him what he needs and deserves, or if you are an amazing girlfriend and he is the type of person who can just never be happy.

So, I guess all I can really do is offer basic advice for either possibility.

What he asks is absolutely not unreasonable. As a matter of fact, one shouldn't even HAVE to ask that of a significant other, it should just be automatic. So, if you actually DO NOT provide those things (at all or adequately), then you need to examine why. Are you unhappy with him and therefore subconsciously unable to provide them? Are you still harboring hurt feelings (maybe that even you don't realize are still there) from past relationships making it hard for you to open up? Whatever it is, you need to learn what you need to do to heal and move on or you will have a hard time having a good relationship. If you aren't providing those things at all, it isn't very likely you will find anybody who is okay with that.

On the other hand, if you honestly feel you DO fully provide all of those basic needs he is asking for, but he simply can never be happy.... then the problem is him, not you. In that case, you need to share with him that you DO provide all of that, and that it makes you feel very unappreciated that he doesn't notice. If that is the case, he needs to understand that you do provide everything any guy would want in a girlfriend, and if he can't stop his negativity and realize that, he is going to risk losing you.

Only you can really know which is the case. Is he overly negative, or are his complaints legit? The answer to that will tell you if you should do something before you risk losing him..... or if it is YOU who should begin considering if perhaps it is time to leave him. Good luck to you either way.

[treehugger101]

Well him and I have been getting into a lot of fights lately, and i can't put up with it anymore. He always thinks I am cheating on him when I am not. When we talk on the phone or video chat he says he hears people talking in the background when no one is there and it is pure silence. He does suffer from General Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety, and he also studies Psychology in school, so he knows how the brain works. He says it's his anxiety that causes him to hear things, and he knows because he studies Psychology.

[TheEvilJester]

You can feel free not to answer this if you would rather not, but a couple questions.

1) Have you ever cheated on him in the past?
2) Whether or not you have, have past girlfriends ever cheated on him?

Mind you, I'm not saying answering yes to either or both of the above questions makes his mistrust and paranoia okay, I'm just saying it at least makes it a little more understandable. However, if you've never given him any reason not to trust you, then he needs to learn how to deal with his paranoia and get over it, or he will drive a wedge between you two.

If you HAVE given him reason not to trust you, then he needs to decide if he can get over it. If he cannot, then he needs to let you go because if you've learned from your past mistakes and changed for the better, you don't deserve to be doomed to always be punished for them anyway. If he can get over it, then he needs to work to do so, and slowly the mistrust should fade away.

As it is, though, you say you two have been getting into a lot of fights lately. All relationships do hit a rough patch sometimes, but not necessarily to that level. If you legitimately feel like you've been getting in a lot of fights, then, if nothing else, that is at least a sign that something needs to change. Maybe you two aren't right for each other and should just end it and move on. That's not a definite, but at least something you should consider. It could just be, though, that there are a few issues you two need to deal with. Maybe they are things you could fix and move on to be an even stronger couple than before.

Sometimes there can be one or two big issues bogging us down and our frustration due to the real problem or problems causes other things to become elevated. So, you could be having a lot of fights over silly, trivial things simply because tempers are elevated due to the real issue(s). Again, I can't really know what is the exact situation since I am just a stranger (and they don't get much stranger than me) on the interwebs. Hence why my advice has been sort of generic and covering both sides of the coin.

Good luck to you. I hope you do figure out what is best for you both, whether that means staying together and fixing things or whether that means breaking up.

[treehugger101]

I have NEVER cheated on him. In his past yes he has had girlfriends cheat on him, while still being with him too. He is scared and keeps thinking that his past is going to happen again. Or any of those past things will happen again. Him and I have talked things over and he has changed and I do see it for the better. He wants to be with me and only me and I only want to be with him. And as I said, things between us have gotten better.