Long Term Relationship Suffering from Girlfriends Daughter

[wjohnson]

My girlfriend and I are in our early 50s and have been together for 13 years though we live in separate households. She has two daughters (23/25).

Her two girls hated me from day one. They have an unusual motherly relationship--they were fiercely jealous of me and constantly competing with each other for their mothers time and attention. The oldest was especially cunning. I watched this girl go through high school into her early 20s and frequently manipulate her mother... this girl (Susan) could be patient but always eventually got her way.

When my girlfriend divorced in the late 90s, I think her Susan assumed the role of the man of the house, this alpha-male female fulfilled the role until she left for college. Example. I would suggest my girlfriend change certain things around her house but she wouldn't but if Susan suggested--girlfriend would do it.

As the years progressed, both girls moved out, the oldest moved to the west coast. Then she got pregnant. The plan was for Susan to move back with her baby into girlfriends house until she could get a job, then she would get her own place. Months have passed, girlfriend has a job and there is no intention whatsoever to move out. Now mid-20s manipulative Susan dominates. My girlfriend goes along and I do slow burn. It impacts our relationship.

So Susan tells her mother that she could hear us making love through the baby monitor which is in adjoining room. No more lovemaking in girlfriends house. Xmas eve and the roast beef I am typically in charge of-- I get pushed to the side by Susan to takes over the kitchen and from my perception-- my role in my girlfriends household continues to diminish.

Tonight, Susan's girlfriend comes for dinner and completely dominates the night, I sit an listen and she tells story after story with my girlfriend loving every minute because she is always working hard to please her daughter. I could feel my emotion rising up as the night ended, I left, drove home and am wondering how far it will go.

When Susan's pregnancy was first announced, my girlfriend began attending counseling to help her deal with the pregnancy. I attended some of the sessions and the counselor talked about how Susan coming home with a baby would impact our relationship. It has. I love my woman but I don't know how things will move forward. After 13 years, Susan finally getting her way, destroying my relationship with her mother.

[isolde.darling]

You have to understand that Susan IS her daughter and she probably loves her way more than she loves you, her boyfriend. Please remember that Susan is more "up there" in the list of your girlfriend's priority list and it should be that way. What kind of a mother would she be if she cares more about her boyfriends than her own daughter? If you were married, I'd understand your sentiment, but you're not so it might seem unfair to you but please try to realize that a mother-daughter relationship is a strong bond.

Yes, stronger than boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. My advice? Get on Susan's good side instead.

[wjohnson]

Thank you for responding. I understand what you say but isn't it time for Susan to go find her own emotional relationship? Susan is the reason I never agreed to marry her mother, because her loyalty would not be to me, her husband but rather to her daughters, and I predicted it would end in divorce so I wouldn't agree. Susan needs to go find a man (or woman) and live her own life. I believe if Susan had her way, she would stay living with her mother raising the child forever.

[vashti]

Susan is the reason I never agreed to marry her mother, because her loyalty would not be to me, her husband but rather to her daughters

As it should be. (Assuming you mean her first priority is her kids.)

You are a bit old for this level of competition, don't you think? Do you have no children of your own?

[Valixy]

You perceive that the relationship isn't balanced and it probably is that way. Susan doesn't respect her mother's relationship with you even if she is old enough to do that now. What happens in your bedroom is none of her business and she should have stayed out of it or your girlfriend should have simply talked to you about being more careful, but denying you that love and intimacy altogether is absurd. You're probably correct in feeling that you are being pushed away but there is nothing you can do if your girlfriend allows it. You can try talking to her openly about how you feel and if she has the same love for you that you have for her, she should make some changes and learn to divide her attention between her daughter and you, her partner, but if she simply becomes defensive or nothing changes, you'll probably have a decision to make.

Imo, single parents deserve a lot of respect but if they can't have a fair balanced relationship with their new partners, they shouldn't start one. If they can't at least be a bit tactful about their 'first' and 'second' priorities, they should just dedicate to raising their children, instead of asking for and enjoying something that they can't give in return. I know that's what I would do.

[wjohnson]

As it should be. (Assuming you mean her first priority is her kids.)

You are a bit old for this level of competition, don't you think? Do you have no children of your own?

Well, I disagree. First, they are not kids, they are 25/23 yo young adults.

Any clinical psych/marriage counselor will tell you, if mommy and daddy are happy, then the children will be happy. A happy mommy and kids and unhappy daddy creates an imbalance and lead to the destruction of the relationship. Susan dominates her mother, changes the house, dishes, decor, what foods are purchased and dictates schedule to her mother. This is not healthy.

[vashti]

Well, I disagree. First, they are not kids, they are 25/23 yo young adults.

Any clinical psych/marriage counselor will tell you, if mommy and daddy are happy, then the children will be happy.

You aren't daddy. You aren't even the husband. And her daughter isn't a child.

[anastasis]

I don't know, man.

I'll never have to know as I would never date anyone with kids.

I'd build a home and family with my counterpart if she existed.

But I'm sure not going to try to hold up somone else's house that already fell apart years ago.

Still, honestly, if you're not married to this chick, I don't get the complaints.

Do people really think that shacking up is the same as marriage?

I think they do today. I really think they do.

Well, let me tell you something--it's not.

[Valixy]

Susan dominates her mother, changes the house, dishes, decor, what foods are purchased and dictates schedule to her mother.

It's not unusual for parents to accept some dominating behaviour from their children. For an outsider this often looks a bit strange but from what you've indicated Susan's behaviour and your girlfriend's, letting herself manipulated to such an extent is exaggerated and I assume not very appealing either.

No one could blame your girlfriend for offering unconditional unlimited support to her daughter who has just had a baby but no one could blame you either for not being able to integrate this in your relationship and wanting a different dynamics. Communication and reaching to an agreement with your girlfriend would be ideal, but if it's not possible don't be afraid to look for something that satisfies your emotional needs better. You're in your early fifties and in time for finding a suitable partner/relationship.