Being a Virgin and Sex

[treehugger101]

I am a Virgin going on 30 and plan to stay one until marriage. My problem here though is this, I have heard that if a women inserts something into her vagina, she isn't a Virgin anymore. Whether it'd be a vibrator, being fingered, etc. Doing those things, means she isn't a Virgin. To me, I know what sex is and I know that if a guys penis goes into your vagina then that means you aren't a Virgin. But I have even heard that if you grind against your partner, CLOTHED penetrating against them, that means you aren't a Virgin either. So what is the real deal? Who's right and who is wrong?

[Wakeup]

Okay.. now I know for sure you're a 13 year old trolling this site. There is NO way in hell you are 27 years old.

[melancholia]

I am a Virgin going on 30 and plan to stay one until marriage. My problem here though is this, I have heard that if a women inserts something into her vagina, she isn't a Virgin anymore. Whether it'd be a vibrator, being fingered, etc. Doing those things, means she isn't a Virgin. To me, I know what sex is and I know that if a guys penis goes into your vagina then that means you aren't a Virgin. But I have even heard that if you grind against your partner, CLOTHED penetrating against them, that means you aren't a Virgin either. So what is the real deal? Who's right and who is wrong?

I think you need to go with your own instincts on this one. It is a very personal thing to have sex for the first time. However, there are many different types of sex (oral, anal, vaginal intercourse) and some people think that they all fall under the same umbrella, while others don't agree. I think it is fantastic that you are deciding to wait to have sex, I don't think very many people do that nowadays. However, and this is clearly a matter of opinion, I cannot stand the phrase "I lost my virginity". I don't like it because it implies that you had something to lose in the first place, that something can be taken from you just by having sex with someone. There is nothing shameful about consensual sex, and I prefer to use the term "sexual debut" instead of losing one's virginity, but that's my semantic preference. Having said that, there are a lot of things that people can do without having sex - like mutual masturbation, deep erotic massage, dirty talk, heavy making out. My point is that you shouldn't feel ashamed to experience things that make you feel good, and if you aren't ready for sex, then there are certainly other things you can do instead. At the same time, I think placing value on the definition of virginity will dilute those experiences for you. I think you should only do what you are comfortable doing, and when the time is right for you to have sex, you will!

[treehugger101]

I think you need to go with your own instincts on this one. It is a very personal thing to have sex for the first time. However, there are many different types of sex (oral, anal, vaginal intercourse) and some people think that they all fall under the same umbrella, while others don't agree. I think it is fantastic that you are deciding to wait to have sex, I don't think very many people do that nowadays. However, and this is clearly a matter of opinion, I cannot stand the phrase "I lost my virginity". I don't like it because it implies that you had something to lose in the first place, that something can be taken from you just by having sex with someone. There is nothing shameful about consensual sex, and I prefer to use the term "sexual debut" instead of losing one's virginity, but that's my semantic preference. Having said that, there are a lot of things that people can do without having sex - like mutual masturbation, deep erotic massage, dirty talk, heavy making out. My point is that you shouldn't feel ashamed to experience things that make you feel good, and if you aren't ready for sex, then there are certainly other things you can do instead. At the same time, I think placing value on the definition of virginity will dilute those experiences for you. I think you should only do what you are comfortable doing, and when the time is right for you to have sex, you will!

Yeah thanks.

[treehugger101]

He went on tell me, he feels more protected, and that when you have sex you release that oxy thing where you have a bond with the person, after having sex. You just feel that connection and emotions, on a deeper level, and you have that moment you will always remember. If he feels this way about sex, then why is he with me? He says he can wait and he will but come on, any guy can say this stuff too. I just don't know.

[melancholia]

He went on tell me, he feels more protected, and that when you have sex you release that oxy thing where you have a bond with the person, after having sex. You just feel that connection and emotions, on a deeper level, and you have that moment you will always remember. If he feels this way about sex, then why is he with me? He says he can wait and he will but come on, any guy can say this stuff too. I just don't know.

While I think it's perfectly understandable - necessary even - for a person to explain why sex is important to them, it certainly isn't okay for that person to try and convince someone they should have sex before they are ready. He is correct that sex releases the hormone, oxytocin in the brain when you have sex. Oxytocin is the bonding hormone, which is also released during childbirth so the mother will bond with her baby. I'm getting off track here, but what I do want to say is this: If someone is making you feel pressured to have sex before you feel ready to do it, tell them to F8CK OFF. Nobody should manipulate you into something you don't want to do - especially sex, which is a very personal thing for everybody.

[treehugger101]

Yes I told him, I am going to wait until marriage end of story. I kept telling him, if he wants sex so badly he could find someone else. But he wants me and says he is willing to wait. But he says, not having sex is getting to him, he says it happens to all guys, its like the sex bug is bitting him and he has to complain about it, I guess I don't know haha.

[melancholia]

I'm trying to understand where he is coming from, because I find it very important to have sex in a relationship. However, you've made it clear to him that you want to wait, and it sounds like he respects that. I think it's perfectly natural for him to address his sexual frustration, because that's what you do in a relationship. You discuss your needs, wants, and emotions. All I want to hammer home to you, is that if you are feeling pressured, that is wrong. You should never be made to feel badly for your decision to wait.

Best of luck to you with this relationship!

[treehugger101]

Thank you, he has decided to wait and does respect me and my wishes.

[lightstar]

I think if you want to have sexual contact without going all the way then you will still be a virgin.

[nheeya]

Virginity is a state of having sexual intercourse. That means there is a penetration.

[treehugger101]

How is being fingered or having a dildo or vibrator inside of you, considered sex? Thats not sex.

[melancholia]

How is being fingered or having a dildo or vibrator inside of you, considered sex? Thats not sex.

Because those are two examples of sexually intimate acts. It is not, however, sexual intercourse.

[treehugger101]

I knew that but he says using those things means loosing your virginity and I don't know what he's deal is really.

[basilandthyme]

I knew that but he says using those things means loosing your virginity and I don't know what he's deal is really.

It's not losing your virginity. But it sure is losing your sexual purity. Frankly, I can't figure out why being sexually impure is OK but intercourse isn't OK.