What does it really mean to be in a relationship?

[Humblebee]

Hello! I found this forum while searching for clues to my problem and I figured maybe I'll get some advices here.

Some background info:

I'm a 27 year old male and I've known my 28-year old girlfriend(?) for about nine months of which we've lived together for a bit over five months (about 4
of them in a rented place and the rest in a house she bought). I moved from another city to be with her, changed my job where I had awesome friends,
and also moved a lot further away from my family. We have had our ups and downs during this short period of time and it has come to a point where we
really are considering ending it. In fact, yesterday she already announced that she has had enough and we should go our own ways but it seems she still
gave me some time to think about how things are and should be.

Mostly she is fed up with my inability to decide what I want from future. Would it only be up to her, we'd already be married and waiting for a baby.
I haven't been that comfortable on proceeding that fast and rather just chill for a bit and see how life goes on and maybe we'll learn things about each other.
She claims that she is what she is and feels like she knows me well enough and we should get married pretty soon if we want to stick together. During our
good times I haven't really objected that in my mind but I also never did anything to hasten the process. And on the bad times I really doubt this whole thing.
I wish she wasn't in such a hurry to go forward.

Unfortunately there has also been bad times for us. Things that have made me reconsider us have been:

• I feel like she isn't too happy when I go see my family or friends. I basically never go out drinking or something like that. And I see my friends or family maybe once or twice a month.
  Am I not allowed to have hobbies and see friends when I have a relationship? The last fight actually is connected to this. Apparently I have a habbit of not keeping contact with her
  whenever I'm out with friends or at my family. Last time she got mad when I didn't send her a text during day until I got home. Well I did mention I'm coming home but it seems like
  that was too late. What bothers me is that she got really mad about it, it's only one day and I did tell her approximately when I'd be coming back before I left home. Yes,
  I understand that people have different kinds of needs about keeping contact and I wouldn't propably keep in touch as often as many.. but is it normal to get mad for one day
  even if it has happened a couple times before? She said she feels like I don't respect her enough to even send a message and claims she isn't the number one priority to me while I'm
  away, which to me ofcourse is not how the case is.

• She seems to be a pretty hard person to satisfy. Once she got mad at me for not spending money on her. I had bought her some jewelry couple times and didn't even forget
  her birthday but everytime she said I shouldn't spend money on such things. Still she claimed she wants me to buy her luxurious things and clothes. Well, once I dragged her out to buy
  clothes because I really don't want to buy them without seeing how they look on her.. she didn't want to even try the ones on that I suggested. Basically after that I said
  I won't be buying her stuff like that anymore without her consent.

• We had a discussion/fight a while back about people visiting our house. She said she doesn't want my family or friends to come by unless if I separately invite them here, and
  only after she is ready for it, and mainly on weekends. Otherwise we should go see each other at a cafe or something. I had never even thought about that, to me it seems pretty
  disrespectful to not let family to the house. A side note, my girlfriend is from China, although has lived in a western country almost all her life. I once heard from a friend who had
  chinese roommates while studying at a university and she said they practically had people visiting them all the time. So can it be a cultural thing?

• Money issues alltogether. I feel like I can't buy anything alone without her getting mad. Things I might want to buy occasionally that are just for me: games movies, disc golf discs
  or anthing related to my hobbies. Practically I'd have to ask her before buying which doesn't sound right. I'd understand if we were short on money but I just don't feel that way. Ok, we
  (she) has a mortgage but we're doing ok in my opinion.

• She works on seven days a week and we only have some hours every evening together. So basically we can't plan anything fun together but she still whines sometimes how we should
  do something special occasionally.

• Relating to seeing friends. She claims I can't prioritize things in life. I was once out with friends on a sunday (day off from work for me, not her) for a couple hours. I knew I had to do stuff at home and I
  figured I'd still have enough time to do that after I'm back. She got pissed off for it. I was being the bad guy having a bit of fun on a day off.

Back to the topic. So I'm asking for opinions about relationships. After giving some thought about what she has said, I believe she is right. I should propably grow up a bit and take more responsibility
but I feel like she is overreacting a bit. Can't a man (or a woman) have hobbies and time of his/her own? Can't I occasionally buy something fun for myself too without feeling bad for it? And I really don't
mean to spend a lot of money. Do you people keep in touch every day or is it ok to skip a day because you might be having fun with friends or something. To me it doesn't take out the fact that I can still
think about her if I don't text/call.

So in short.. how much from their own lives do people sacrifice to get a happy relationship? Does my situation seem like I should be sacrifice more or is she asking too much?

I'm sorry for the long and messy text.. can't put all my thoughts in to a single post. Atleast while I'm so messed up myself because of the trouble we're having. I'd really appreciate people's thoughts. though.

[basilandthyme]

Humblebee, your girlfriend is way out of line. She sounds extremely needy and demanding - and I doubt many men would tolerate her antics.

If she wants to end things, I say move back home without looking back. Relationships aren't meant to be this hard

[michelle23]

I agree. end this relationship.

The mistake you made is sacrificing everything that matters for her. People in healthy relationships see there family and friends regularly, they go to work every day and they have hobbies/interests. You gave up everything to be with her which was mistake number one..

Move back home, find a local girl who is willing to share you with the other important people in your life. 9 months is not long term. 9 years is... its obviously not working. It sounds like she doesnt want a man-she just wants a ring on her finger and a baby in her belly.. forget her and go and find a girl that you click with and who you dont feel the need to fight with every second day

Relationships are not supposed to be stressful or hurt, there not supposed to make you angry or want to walk out the door. when it gets this bad-its already over

[Humblebee]

Thank you for the quick responses. I still wouldn't mind hearing more though. Maybe answers from people who have sacrificed a lot, maybe more than I would have to.

I should add that I'm not the only one in our relationship who sacrificed things. She hasn't really seen her friends more than couple times when we've lived together.
She said she has done that so we'd have more time together. I appreciate that a LOT but I did tell her she can see them when she wants. I'm not stopping her and it should
be clear to her.

Maybe I exaggerated a bit when I mentioned moving a lot further away from my family. I used to live about half an hour away from them (1,5 hours from my brother and goddaughter)
and now it's 1,5 hours from family and 3 hours from brother. It's still doable but gets expensive if done often and it would get troublesome if she doesn't like me going there too often.

I must admit this relationship has made me feel sad at times when I want to see friends and do stuff knowing my girlfriend would get upset. But I have also experienced loads of happy
times and if I do end up breaking up, it's going to break my heart for a long time. I know there will propably be good times with other people but they will never be the same as they
are with her.. missing everything we've done, her smile, funny things she does and says.. list goes on. Oh well.. FML, still want more answers if possible.

EDIT: I wonder if I should show those answers to her. Maybe it would make her see how it seems from an outsider.

[michelle23]

How often do you two fight and do you feel like you need her permission to go and meet friends? Also if you asked her to join you to meet family or friends would she happily oblige and look forward to meeting these people that you love or does she dig her heels in and say shes not going which means you shouldn't go either?

My bf calls to his mum 3 times a week after work without me on his way home and I call to my parents too without him but then on the weekends-we call to them together, have a family barbeque, go for a few drinks, a meal.. We meet friends together too. His friends are welcome at our house any time and he doesn't need my permission. Same with my friends. And we don't expect any notice if someone just wants to knock on our door and come in for tea..

I think that is healthy. Plus if I say to him "Im meeting the girls for dinner tonight, ill bring you home takeaway" he just says fine see you later and he might arrange to meet his dad or one of the boys..

I think thats healthy. We spend a lot of quality time together but there is no issue if either one of us wants to do something without the other occasionally

perhaps you should explain that to your girl and tell her that you dont want all these rules and arguments. Its stressing you out. This is still a new relationship and during the honeymoon period its natural to be a little possesive and want you all to herself but not to the point where you feel smothered or trapped or feel like you have to stay wherever she is 27/7..

[HeartIsAching]

Read this:

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/10-signs-your-girlfriend-or-wife-is-an-emotional-bully/

[Humblebee]

How often do you two fight and do you feel like you need her permission to go and meet friends? Also if you asked her to join you to meet family or friends would she happily oblige and look forward to meeting these people that you love or does she dig her heels in and say shes not going which means you shouldn't go either?

My bf calls to his mum 3 times a week after work without me on his way home and I call to my parents too without him but then on the weekends-we call to them together, have a family barbeque, go for a few drinks, a meal.. We meet friends together too. His friends are welcome at our house any time and he doesn't need my permission. Same with my friends. And we don't expect any notice if someone just wants to knock on our door and come in for tea..

I think that is healthy. Plus if I say to him "Im meeting the girls for dinner tonight, ill bring you home takeaway" he just says fine see you later and he might arrange to meet his dad or one of the boys..

I think thats healthy. We spend a lot of quality time together but there is no issue if either one of us wants to do something without the other occasionally

perhaps you should explain that to your girl and tell her that you dont want all these rules and arguments. Its stressing you out. This is still a new relationship and during the honeymoon period its natural to be a little possesive and want you all to herself but not to the point where you feel smothered or trapped or feel like you have to stay wherever she is 27/7..

At start we didn't really fight much but getting closer to present day it's been more common. Few last fights have been during last couple weeks or so. I feel like I can meet up with my friends and she has said so too but I also feel like if I don't consult her about it first it's propably going to end up in her being unsatisfied. Or if not that, atleast I'm supposed to text or call her while I'm out or she feels she's being secondary in my priority. We've met my family a couple times. In the beginning of our relationship she wanted to meet them fast, because it was expected to have a good relationship or something. I feel like she's not that comfortable meeting them and it's quite hard to arrange a meeting anyway since she works every day. She has also admitted that she has been working longer only because she knew my family is visiting me/us. That is related to one of our fights. Afterwards she mentioned she worked longer and wouldn't want them to come unless if she is prepared and we invite them. She has known about them coming on everytime for about atleast a week beforehand, mostly even earlier. I feel like she let's me go, or atleast says so but still would propably prefer me to be here with her. Atleast she prefers me going there more than them coming here because she wants to be able to relax at our home. But then again she gets to mention about how expensive it gets to drive back and forth to my family.

Your situation sounds healthy to me too. I feel we should be able to see friends and family without making the other one feel down. And to me it doesn't mean that I'm prioritizing them before my loved one or that I wouldn't love her. I wish we could honestly be like that too and remain happy.

Our thing is kind of complicated. We both say and agree (atleast verbally) that we can see friends and stuff but it still feels like she isn't completely comfortable with it. I do want to be with her too a lot and I do spend most time with her but I wish she wouldn't be upset if I want to see friends or family sometimes too. I kind of understand her point that it's not that hard to send a message during the day out but she should know I love her without that one message anyway.

Read this:...

Read it and some parts do seem pretty familiar. :/ I wouldn't want to believe that it's about that mostly, atleast I believe she's not doing it intentionally. But then again me defending her supports that diagnose.

[HeartIsAching]

Exactly right. The first thing that jumped out at me was that you are in a relationship with an emotional bully. It's not fun. Grew up with one, and the fun part is that because of that, I kept picking emotional bullies as partners. The last one was the worst... and lasted the longest. 11 years I spent with that harridan.

[basilandthyme]

I feel like I can meet up with my friends and she has said so too but I also feel like if I don't consult her about it first it's propably going to end up in her being unsatisfied. Or if not that, atleast I'm supposed to text or call her while I'm out or she feels she's being secondary in my priority. .

A couple of things here. It is courtesy for you to let her know in advance of your plans (unless it's lunchtime plans which won't affect her), so she's not being unreasonable in wanting to know if you're going to be out or late. However, it would be a nice courtesy of her to let you have a nice time out without having to text home. Though at the end of the evening a text saying "heading home now, see you soon" is nice to receive.

I still believe you need to end things. But if you won't end things, you need to stand up to her. If she throws a hissy-fit, don't buy into it.

1. Let her know in advance if you will be out. If she wants you to text her during your time with friends, say "no". Say that you will text when you're leaving.
2. if she's insisting on marriage, tell her that not only is it way too early in the relationship, but you also need to experience a couple of peaceful years without fighting before you'd consider marriage with her
3. etc etc. You have to learn to stand up to her and say "no, I will not do this"
If she leaves you because you stand up to her, then be thankful that you're out.

[Humblebee]

A couple of things here. It is courtesy for you to let her know in advance of your plans (unless it's lunchtime plans which won't affect her), so she's not being unreasonable in wanting to know if you're going to be out or late. However, it would be a nice courtesy of her to let you have a nice time out without having to text home. Though at the end of the evening a text saying "heading home now, see you soon" is nice to receive.

I still believe you need to end things. But if you won't end things, you need to stand up to her. If she throws a hissy-fit, don't buy into it.

1. Let her know in advance if you will be out. If she wants you to text her during your time with friends, say "no". Say that you will text when you're leaving.
2. if she's insisting on marriage, tell her that not only is it way too early in the relationship, but you also need to experience a couple of peaceful years without fighting before you'd consider marriage with her
3. etc etc. You have to learn to stand up to her and say "no, I will not do this"
If she leaves you because you stand up to her, then be thankful that you're out.

I think I've always told her if I'm going out and even then it's mainly been while she is still at work or partially atleast. Ofcourse everytime I can't give her a heads up a day or more earlier if I get asked out suddenly. But it should still be ok if we haven't planned anything and mostly she'd be working due to her later working hours anyway. I've also told her approximately how long it might take me until I come back home. I might be wrong but I believe I only once didn't tell her that "I'm heading back home now" but at that time she was still at work too.

I atleast want to try hard and make things better better before rushing for a break up, it's something we've promised each other. I feel like she shouldn't get mad about me not texting while I'm out but I also agree with her that it's not a big thing to do. I should try to get her to understand that I might do it but it surely shouldn't be a reason to get angry if I won't do it occasionally. She should know how I feel about her and meeting friends or family doesnt affect those feelings.

The marriage part is propably the hardest part to try and convince her. She has said several times that she feels like it's getting late and she's getting old and should be getting married and have a baby already because most people have those things already at her age. This is where I disagree with her. I don't see her as old and a lot ot people get married in their 30s and have babies then.. it's just hard to change something that she feels so strongly about. :/

In theory I agree with it being a good thing if she dumps me for standing up to her. It's just hard to actually do that when you have such strong feelings for her. And also knowing how relationships are a lot about making compromises between the two persons it kind of fights with my own thoughts about life too. Tough decisions.. I just need to be able to draw a line somewhere to show her how much I'm willing to compromise from my life. I understand that when one is in a serious relationship, one has to put a lot of effort in it but there also has to be other things in life too even if one loves the other one so madly and deeply. So far michelle23's example of how things are in her relationship seems pretty good, maybe I could hear how things are with other people too?

[HeartIsAching]

A couple of things here. It is courtesy for you to let her know in advance of your plans (unless it's lunchtime plans which won't affect her), so she's not being unreasonable in wanting to know if you're going to be out or late. However, it would be a nice courtesy of her to let you have a nice time out without having to text home. Though at the end of the evening a text saying "heading home now, see you soon" is nice to receive.

I still believe you need to end things. But if you won't end things, you need to stand up to her. If she throws a hissy-fit, don't buy into it.

1. Let her know in advance if you will be out. If she wants you to text her during your time with friends, say "no". Say that you will text when you're leaving.
2. if she's insisting on marriage, tell her that not only is it way too early in the relationship, but you also need to experience a couple of peaceful years without fighting before you'd consider marriage with her
3. etc etc. You have to learn to stand up to her and say "no, I will not do this"
If she leaves you because you stand up to her, then be thankful that you're out.

Excellent post.

[michelle23]

there are too many unreasonable rules here. your family should be welcome anytime. its not like they drop by unannounced every day for 2 hours.. shes being v unreasonable.

i think you should put your foot down. tell her if this is gonna last then some things have to change

1/. you will put her first and enjoy spending quality time together most the time
2/. if your going to meet friends or family you will let her no before you go and if shes around she is welcome to join you if she wants to unless its a specific boys day/night..
3/. You do not need her permission for your family to call to your home. You will give her notice where possible but your family and her family are welcome-full stop-no exceptions!
4. You want her to make more of an effort with your family from now on. If she wants to marry you then you need a girl who makes an effort with the people you love and doesnt give you a hard time coz she is not the only important person in your life
5/. You do not want to discuss marriage right now as you fight too much. Until your relationship is healthier-marriage is out of the question
6/. You need her to trust you. When you are out with friends you should not have to text her every hour or ring her. Tell her you will text her when you are leaving


I honestly don't see this relationship working-there are too many issues and it is too early to be this complicated. Lay down the above ground rules with her-write them down and give them to her and discuss it together. Add some more if you wish.

Give her a chance to change-Id say a month after setting these rules and if nothing changes-break up with her and go home.

Sometimes love is not enough. It really doesn't matter how much you love her. I know people who have been totally head over heels in love with the wrong person and found the strength to walk away because it was better for them in the long run. You may need to find that same strength and accept you are on a train that is about to crash.

[michelle23]

The marriage part is propably the hardest part to try and convince her. She has said several times that she feels like it's getting late and she's getting old and should be getting married and have a baby already because most people have those things already at her age. This is where I disagree with her. I don't see her as old and a lot ot people get married in their 30s and have babies then.. it's just hard to change something that she feels so strongly about. :/

That is the problem. She doesn't want a loving relationship. She wants a ring and a baby. Be very careful coz I have a feeling this girl will try to trap you. Use condoms even if she says she is on the pill..

I think you should be with someone at least 2-3 years before getting married and then at least another year or two after marriage to have kids. Take your time.

Seriously you should break up with her. She is too demanding. Most sane men would run a mile. She is practically trying to force you to marry her..

[dem862]

Can you realistically do any better than her? Are you any kind of catch at all? People say "break up" on here for every little thing. Only you can make the determination of what's in your best interest. The only difference between you and the other people on here giving advice, is that they aren't complaining. Relationships can be hard work and full of compromise. Don't let anybody fool you. Communication is extremely important. If you can't communicate your needs with this woman, at least give it the old college try. That way if you do break up in the future, you will have some practice for the next one.

[Humblebee]

Can you realistically do any better than her? Are you any kind of catch at all? People say "break up" on here for every little thing. Only you can make the determination of what's in your best interest. The only difference between you and the other people on here giving advice, is that they aren't complaining. Relationships can be hard work and full of compromise. Don't let anybody fool you. Communication is extremely important. If you can't communicate your needs with this woman, at least give it the old college try. That way if you do break up in the future, you will have some practice for the next one.

Thanks for the answer, I was wondering if everyone here really thought I should break up.

To be honest, I don't consider myself being that much of a catch. I am aware of a relationship having to be a lot about compromises and communication and I wasn't going to blindly just break up anyway.
Lately it just has been going downhill so often and if both of us have been so sad and unsatisfied so often, something really needs to be done about it if we wish to continue together. I'm willing to admit that
I have flaws too but we both need to change. Maybe I haven't been taking her in to consideration enough but I feel like she's been overreacting on things a bit too much. Things that I feel important in life
and really need to give it a thought whether they are things I'm willing to compromise about or not. During our fights she has said that I've lived a single life for so long that I don't know how to live as a couple.
Maybe she is right. The question is; am I willing to change or is freedom and things that come with single life that important to me?

But as I've said, I still feel like it's not just about me. We both need to change. This is why I've come here to see how other people react to things that have been happening between us and whether they
are normal or not.