Girlfriend spoke bad about me to her ex.

[Terry94]

Hey, so for a couple days now I've noticed my girlfriend has been very different with me, for instance yesterday I asked her if she would like a sausage roll for work and she said "no I don't want a ****ing sausage roll" something so small and me being kind and she was rude to me. Anyway, today she got home and was very distant when she went out I went through her phone (I know it's rude and pathetic but I wanted to check) and I was right. She had been messaging her ex telling him I'm childish (what is very funny because my girlfriend talks and acts very childish herself lol) and I'm too lazy. she put "don't get me wrong I care about him but he's too lazy and childish" he said don't let him put you down you are better and too good for him and she agreed and thanked him. I'm really angry and hurt at the moment. I'm not sure what to do, any advice anyone? I have no idea how I'm childish to be honest, for instance when my girlfriend is ill and not feeling well or wants to sleep I do my best to help her but when I'm for instance feeling tired she will keep hitting/tiggling me so I can't sleep. I'm so hurt to be honest as for lazy, yes. I would agree I am but I'm trying as I've never lived alone before (we share a flat) she then messaged him saying she wants her best mate back and she misses him.

Advice please? I feel like crying...

[lovebroken]

She shouldn't be confiding in her ex about you at all. NONE of his business and she is disrespecting you by doing so. She could be on the road to cheating so address this now before that happens if you still want a relationship after what you've read. Maybe you shouldn't live together anymore.

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly.... I'd like to be more optimistic, but I can't. If I were in your shoes, she'd be lower than dirt in my eyes right now. Lower than scum. So, frankly, my personal advice would be to leave her. That you deserve better. That you couldn't do much worse.

So, let me get this straight.... YOU are childish.... YOU are the one who is immature.... yet she is the one who is too much of a coward to talk to you when she's having issues. Oh, but it gets worse still. Not only does she talk to somebody else about it instead of talking to you..... but she talks to her EX!!!! I mean, I could be wrong, but she is striking me to be one of the people who can NEVER do anything wrong in their own eyes... as far as they are concerned, they are the perfect little angel..... but in reality they are ALWAYS doing things wrong. They are ALWAYS treating others like garbage, using and abusing them, and then trying to make it sound like THE OTHER PEOPLE are always at fault and never accepting the reality they are actually generally always to blame.

Is it possible she has some legitimate complaints about you? Sure. It is entirely possible there are some things you aren't doing well and could be doing better. Heck, for one thing snooping on her wasn't exactly the most mature thing to do..... though I'd venture to guess something about her actions/treatment of you made you feel like you had to. (That doesn't make it okay, but I'm just saying I can understand how you'd lose control and give in to the urge to snoop.) You know the first step to learning from your mistakes? REALIZING YOU MADE A DAMN MISTAKE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! If you're not aware there's any problem, how in the Hell are you supposed to figure that out? Read her damn mind?

So, again, my honest gut reaction is that you deserve better. My personal advice would be to leave and not look back for even a second.

But... I'll acknowledge that may be largely motivated by my lack of faith in humans these days. That perhaps my cynical nature has left me too guarded. So.... I can play Devil's Advocate here if what you wish would be that you two could still have a chance. So, if that is the case, I think you just talk to her. You tell her you've been feeling like things haven't been going well and you welcome the chance to work through them.... but that you can't do that if she doesn't talk to you about it.

What I do NOT recommend is that you beg her back, or swear up and down you will change, or anything like that. Frankly, she's proven SHE has a lot to change if she's going to deserve you again. So, yes, if there are things you need to work to improve then that is fine. You can agree to try. ....BUT, that should not let her off the hook. She is at least equally guilty here (if not mostly guilty) and she needs to grow up as well. Again, if you do wish a chance to reconcile, then just be careful in how you do word your grievances with her, but don't just let her slide by in blaming you for everything and not accepting any of the guilt herself.

Again, my personal advice would be she doesn't deserve you anyway, but you have to do what feels right for you. So, no matter what happens, I think my most important advice is to care enough about yourself to do what is right for you. If you can both talk, have a mature discussion, and change in ways that improve you both as individuals as well as a couple, then that is awesome. But.... if she refuses to accept any of the blame and it is all you making improvements while she remains the petulant little child she is today, then you shouldn't accept that. Good luck to you.

[pcmaster]

Looks like this touched you deep Jester. Must be reminding you past.

What I think about keeping touch with ex is this - straight ultimatum - ex or you. Theres no space in relationship to keep in touch with ex. Only exception is if they have kids from ex - then talk about kids.
Otherwise I dont imagine me talking with ex and in the same time being in relationship. Either you move on or not - if not then dont be in relationship but be with ex.

Another reason why dont keep in touch with ex is because in her case he is toxic. Hes controlling behavior makes her think you are the bad one.So yeah dont let this continue. If you cant stop her from talking with ex then leave her. Its obvious they haven't completely moved on and its disrespectful to you. Have some self respect and dont take this shit from her.

Sometimes it better to have relationship the way you want by your rules or dont relationship at all.

[TheEvilJester]

Looks like this touched you deep Jester. Must be reminding you past.

Actually, you know the funny thing is, not really. I mean, my ex was guilty of SOME of this stuff, but I usually saw it from her actions with other people and not as much with me. Somewhat, anyway. So, I guess it isn't really like I've had much experience of something like this actually happening to me, but it is just a particular pet peeve of mine. I'm NOT at all forgiving of people who are constantly using and abusing people, yet in their mind EVERYBODY else is always to blame. I am also NOT at all forgiving of people who choose to talk about people behind their backs rather than being a mature adult and talking to that person about their problems face to face.

I agree with you on keeping in touch with an ex. Again, maybe it is just me, but I just never see any reason why you would bother. Unless, like you said, there are children involved. Then you should at least remain in touch as far as keeping up with the care of the kids. But, otherwise I just don't see any reason to remain friends with an ex in most cases. That isn't saying you can't be FRIENDLY. Like, if you two happened to show up for the same party or something it isn't like one or both of you has to leave. It's just, I see no reason to remain actively friends. To me, that's NOT a sign of maturity, in fact it is quite the opposite. To me, it shows you can't let go of something even when you should. To me, it means you can't grow up and do something that may initially be hard, but will be best for everybody in the long run. To me, it means you can't keep your priorities straight.

Again, there ARE exceptions, but few in my opinion.

[pcmaster]

Of course you are not forgiving. You are Deadpool after all ^_^.

LOL I watched that movie and now I understand why you like him so much.

Anyway you keep saying that you dont have much experience. Its not too late to get it.

I like your idea about being friendly with ex without going out of your way or being active friends. Cause its really confusing and makes one think a lot when ex shows up and looking for friendship or attention.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, we Deadpools are not exactly known for our forgiving nature. It isn't just the movie that made me love Deadpool, that just made me especially realize how much I love the character. I was already a fan of Deadpool before, but after the movie I am a much more active Deadpool fan.

I realize I didn't comment on another thing that was discussed above with which I fully agree. That is that her ex is obviously not such a great person either when you consider it sounds like he is deliberately meddling in business that is, quite frankly, none of his damn business. Now, if this gal is coming to him to discuss her problems, that's not his fault. ....BUT (huge but there) for him to be saying stuff to her like "he doesn't deserve you" or "you deserve better" is FAR crossing the line. Firstly, whether or not that is the case is none of his damn business. Secondly, he can't really know that. He's only getting HER side of the story.... a side that, from what we've heard, I'm convinced was almost entirely (if not entirely) crafted and fabricated to make HER look like the innocent angel and him look like the bad guy when the truth may well be the exact opposite.

To me, a good friend never says stuff like that unless there REALLY is an issue where the person's significant other is not good for them. If the SO is abusive (physically/emotionally/mentally/whatever), THEN maybe it is okay to tell a friend that they deserve better than their SO. If the SO is neglectful, or a deadbeat, or any number of reasons that show that they are maybe not committing to the relationship and/or building a future/life with their partner, THEN maybe it is okay to tell a friend that they deserve better than their SO.

Unless I am just misunderstanding, I kind of get the impression that is practically the first thing he said to her in response to her complaints. Almost like he just wanted an excuse to say that no matter what. "Your boyfriend burped and you find that gross? You deserve better than him!" "Your boyfriend doesn't like your favorite TV show? You deserve better than him!"

I mean, who knows? Maybe she has been constantly bitching about the OP to her ex and, only hearing her side of the story, that has legitimately lead him to feel that way. Then I could maybe understand him saying that.... but on the other hand that makes HER even worse.

Anyway, again the point is that it sounds to me like there are two options here. One is to decide that, based on her actions and obvious lack of maturity (funny when that is what she is claiming of you) that maybe you'd frankly be better off without her. The other option is to talk to her and try to give both of you (both you and her) the opportunity to grow and mature together. Again, both as individuals and as a couple. Honestly, though, it somewhat sounds like she's made that decision without even having the maturity to talk to you about it first if she's running around telling an ex she thinks she deserves better. But, again, you have to do whatever feels right for you, so if that means trying to give this relationship a chance, then do that. Either way, again, at least care enough about yourself to have a reasonable point where enough is enough and it's time for a change.

Good luck.