Help with depressed boyfriend pushing me away

[Ksnell20]

I met this man around January and we instantly had a connection. We got along very well and seemed to fall in love pretty easily. He does make me very happy and I know I make him happy. However...I need some guidance with this issue.

This happened twice so far, once back at the beginning of March and currently now. My boyfriend suffers from bad depression due to his dad dying 7 years ago this year. Sometimes he gets into these moods and lashes out, says mean and hurtful things and usually tries to push me away.

He also suffers from relationship depression where he's had a rough past and is used to the women in his life hurting him or leaving him.

Then he met me. I am absolutely nothing like the rest of the girls he's been with. And just last week he was telling me how perfect I was and that he needs me. Before this how much he loved me and that we were gonna make it. Talked about all these plans. And at the beginning of us getting back together this second time (after about a week) he had said he realized where his heart was and that was with me.

Now he is back in his depression mode and has been trying to push me away again. Saying that he misses his best friend (his dad) and that he doesn't deserve to be happy that he deserves to be hurt and lied to and cheated on.

Despite my many tries to calm him down and reassure him that I will always be there for him like I have been since day one, he's not grasping it right now. I am a very calm person, I don't normally say things out of anger but I'm not sure how to handle this situation. It's frustrating but after many readings on depression I am starting to see what he is doing. I've talked to his mom and she said he's a mess to be around the house with.

The last thing we've said to each other was him saying I needed to cut the rope and let him go and not worry about him. But I responded and said I am not stopping worrying about you. That's what you want me to do because it's easiest and what you expect. This was yesterday and I didn't get a response.

I constantly remind him that I am there for him. But I also don't know if I should just give him his space and let him come to me or keep reassuring him even if I don't get a response right now. I am afraid of losing him for sure. I don't want to push him away even more.

During the 4 months we've been together so far I have gotten him to go to the doctors to get put on medication but I think his depression is a lot deeper then just needing medication.

[TheEvilJester]

Depression is terrible. Believe me, I know. It is also a very personal issue. Meaning it is not exactly alike for any two people. Meaning other people can HELP, but it is something you need to deal with. Nobody can fix it FOR you.

You are an amazing person for wanting to be there for him. For not letting him push you away. So, for now you are doing the right thing. BUT.... please don't fall into the trap of thinking it makes you a bad person if you hit a point where you can't take it anymore. You deserve to be happy. Hopefully he can be part of that happiness. But, if there comes a time when he is sabotaging any chance you may have for happiness, that may be sign enough that you need to move on for your own well-being.

Hopefully it doesn't have to come to that. However, you can't MAKE him care enough about himself to get help. Depression sucks.... but you can't just give up and act like it just is what it is. You have to fight or it will consume you. Some people CAN successfully fight it alone, but some people need extra help. It sounds to me like he may need the extra help. I do agree that simply throwing medication at it is NOT helping. Medication can help, but it is not a magical cure-all. So, if he is seeing a therapist who just basically throws meds at him like that will solve everything, he is seeing the wrong therapist.

If he's not seeing any professional.... maybe he should. So, you can try to encourage him, out of love and support, to get the help he needs. You don't want to say it in such a way that he may think you are calling him weak or saying he is sick or anything like that. I would say a good idea of how to word it to him is something like this (but obviously putting this in your own words) "I love you, but it is killing me seeing you in so much pain. You don't deserve to go through that any more then those of us who love you deserve to see this happening to you and feeling powerless to do anything to help you. Seeing you in this kind of pain hurts me deeply. I want you to be happy, and if a therapist can help you to find that, then you owe it to yourself to try. I am here for you, but I want you to also be able to be here for yourself."

Therapists are humans just like the rest of us. (Well, most of us. I don't think I qualify as "human." ) Unfortunately, this means some of them aren't so great. Sometimes finding the right therapist can be a lot like dating. You may go through a lot of the wrong ones before you find the right one. So, if he's with the wrong one right now, or is presently with none because he's been with the wrong one in the past and became discouraged, help as best you can to make him realize that doesn't mean there is no hope.

Again, though, you can be there for him as much as you can.... but if he refuses to do anything to help himself then it may get to a point where you are better off to move on. And again, I hope it doesn't have to come to that, but you do have to care enough about yourself not to let yourself be dragged down if he refuses to fight. You can't fight for somebody who won't fight for themselves.

Good luck to you! And good luck to him as well. What he is going through is terrible, but if he'll let you be there to help him, he doesn't have to go through it alone. Hopefully your strength can help him to pull himself back up.

[Ksnell20]

Thank you for responding. He sent me this article that I wish I could show you about how he's feeling about losing his dad and how it's made everything else around him fall apart.

Right now I am trying to remind him how much I'm here for him. He thinks I'm lying. And that eventually I'm just going to walk out like all the rest. And leave him like everyone else and like his dad did..and then he also just accused me of having sex with someone else because I didn't respond back to him right away..I was in an interview..

This is the last thing I said to him.
I'm not giving up on you. You think I'm going to walk out of your life? Wrong. You think I'm going to hurt you? Not happening. I am here for you. Especially in times like these. You have me, and I'm not going anywhere. Just take some time for yourself. I'm here.

He did not respond. He has yet to seek counseling. We had an appt set up but he ended up not going. I did not push him to go I just ended up spending the day with him instead. Probably bad on my part but wasn't going to force him to do something he wasn't ready for.

I just don't know how to handle when he pushes me away like this. I am a strong person and I do know my limits. I want to help him get through this.

[TheEvilJester]

It's very hard, I understand. But, I think you are doing the right thing for now. If he tries to push you away, you just don't let him. You just keep being there for him, and you just keep telling him you aren't going anywhere. At the same time, if you sense he needs some space, you can give him that as well, but still reminding him that you are just a text/call/whatever away if he needs you.

This becomes a vicious cycle, and again, I know that from experience. If his life experience was anything like mine, I can imagine what probably happened to him. People don't get THIS unwilling/unable to trust without a reason. So, I'd bet early on he had the experience of a lot of people leaving him, often for little or no reason. That and/or he had trouble ever connecting with anybody in the first place, so the rare times when somebody DID get close it caused him to cling.

So, with his life experience being that nobody is ever there for him and everybody leaves him..... he started to develop an expectation that it was just his lot in life. ....As result, he started, whether he intended it or not, to treat EVERYBODY like they were going to do that to him. Whether that means clinging too hard and becoming obsessive.... or whether that means not committing to the relationship or even friendship at all because he figured they would just leave him anyway. Either way, it started to become a self-fulfilling prophecy where he was so convinced it would happen anyway that his actions started to MAKE it happen. People who maybe would have stayed with him couldn't take it anymore and wound up leaving anyway.

So, the best thing you can do, at least initially, is to show that you won't leave him. ....BUT, again, you do still need to have a reasonable limit. Again, if no matter what you do, no matter how long you try, he still will not trust that you are there to stay.... then there may come a time where you need to deal out a little brutal honesty. Hopefully it doesn't even have to get to that point. But, if it does, sometimes that is the wake-up call somebody needs. Maybe, at that point, you say something like "I love you, really I do. I never want to leave you, but you are basically not giving me any option. I've tried to be here for you, but you aren't trusting that and there is only so much I can do to prove to you that I'm not just going to leave you. But, you are pretty much giving me no other option BUT to leave because otherwise I can't be happy either loving somebody so much and yet them never trusting me. I don't say this to hurt you because that is honestly the last thing in the world I want. I say this because I care. I hate that people have left you and hurt you in the past. They were wrong. They didn't deserve you in the first place. But, you've let them control how you see other people to the point where you are driving away somebody who actually wants to stay with you through it all. I'm not blaming you, I don't think you even realize you do this, but I can't be here for you if you won't let me."

That kind of got long, but I hope that at least gives you some inspiration for how you may want to word it/how you may want to deal with it if he ever does drive you to the point where you are near a breaking point. Again, I seriously hope it doesn't have to come to that. As somebody who has been through it, who basically battles it daily, I understand how much it sucks to feel trapped in a miserable fate like he does. But, at some point one needs to stop letting the wounds of the past effect them so profoundly in the present. Yes, he's been hurt by people in the past, and that certainly SHOULD make him a little more reluctant to trust than he WAS, since being too trusting is probably what aided him in getting hurt so much in the first place. But, it doesn't mean he should just give up on trust entirely even when he finally does have somebody worthy of trust.

Again, there is only so much you can do, and I think right now you are doing it. Encourage him to seek the help he needs, and be there for him to prove you won't leave. Not unless he leaves you no other option. Because, again, at some point you need to care as much about your own well-being. If he refuses to ever get himself out of his funk, you can't just be content to let him drag you down with him. It's one thing if he is fighting for himself. Then you can be there to help him. But, like I said before, you can't fight for somebody who won't fight for themselves.

Good luck once again. I hope, for his sake and yours, that he is finally able to get the help he needs. I hope that he is finally able to see that he has in you somebody who would never leave him. Not unless he leaves you no other option. I know I for one would damn near kill to have a girlfriend who loves me as much as you love him to want to be there for him through all this. I hope that can be just what he needs to finally start to show up for the fight.

[Ksnell20]

Thank you for your reply again to this. I have not heard from him since last night. Things got pretty heated.

He was texting me about his phone not working (which he had broken due to getting pissed off a couple weeks ago and throwing it) and I was trying to help him. I got a "**** you" response.

Then later it got heated about my son. I am 24 he is 23. The little boy I have is through my previous marriage of 3 years. We were together for 6. This was always a rough thing for kevin to handle because I had a child and at first it was supposedly one of the reasons why he didn't want to be with me. When he came back I thought he overcame that because he was saying things like "I've realized where my heart belongs with you and that little boy" "you both are my family now" was telling me things like I am his backbone, that he needed me etc...so last night this is how the conversation went. He wasn't really saying much but I feel like I made him feel like a complete asshole and he hasn't gotten into contact with me since..I haven't tried either because I am so hurt right now that it's coming to this. But before this happened he was trying to tell me there was "someone else" that was there and "she" would help him. I'm not sure if this was his way to try and get me to my breaking point or what because I'm pretty sure he knows he can say just about anything until it involves another person or lack there of for me to get pissed off...

You're just looking for something else to try and get mad at me about you're looking for excuses. Well I'm not your punching bag. If you're going to be ignorant to me for no reason then leave me alone. I've done so ****ing much for you. I've been there for you. And you're calling me a whore? When you apparently already have someone else? Get the **** outta here. I've done nothing wrong so whatever you're saying your sadly mistaken.

Haha people who know you are telling me this an yeah iv had somone else dumbass

So I'm not the whore. You are. I'm done letting you be rude to me. And no one knows anything about me thank you very much. Stop trying to hurt me and just go be with your someone else if their that important to you. I'm sorry I'm not enough for you. I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you. And thank you, thank you for telling me I was the best thing to ever happen to you. That you needed me. That you realized your heart belonged with me. That Declan and I were your family now. That you wanted to have a house and get a dog to protect Declan and I. That we were going to make it through everything. That I was your backbone. I honestly believed you.

I love Declan like my own child stop using him against me that's ****ed it

This isn't even about that. It's about everything that you've said to me about me about us and about Declan. And then you act like this. You get mean and nasty for reasons that I don't even understand when I've always been there for you. When I've always tried to be the best possible girlfriend for you. And you act like it's nothing like it means nothing to you. You not only walked into my life but you also walked into my son's life too. And he loves you. He follows you around like he's your god damn shadow. He asks about you every time he's with me, he asks about Gauge. Why do you think I've taken so many pictures and videos of you guys together? Because I didn't think it was going to be so easy for you to want to walk out of our lives when you're going through a rough time. If you loved him like he was your own child you wouldn't treat his mom the way that you do. Especially when I've been there for you when I've given my all to you. ou and like it's so easy for you to walk away like I'm some piece of shit that isn't important.

That was the last thing I had said to him and didn't even get a response.. I probably shouldn't of done that but momma bear came out. I just don't know why he would treat me this way or my son this way when we are always there for him no matter what happens.

I'm not quite sure what to do now since he didn't reply. I don't want to fight with him anymore. I don't want either of us to feel any more pain. But I just don't understand..

[pcmaster]

Guy is for sure not ready to be loved. It might takes years of your love for him to get healed and start to love you back the way you deserve. I dont see a fast fix here. Really think this is the case where you should make a timeline - if things dont get better or bearable within a year or so then leave.
Also looks like as more you are willing to be with him as more he is pushing you away. Best thing is not to be needy here and give guy a lot of space.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed with pc. To be honest, even more now after hearing your latest update I am leaning further toward thinking you would just be much better off moving on for your own good and your son's. I hate to say that because I can understand what he's going through. I can understand how he feels. I can understand a crushing, hopeless feeling like you will never have anybody, never have love, never have happiness. What, though, I cannot understand is this need he seems to have to deliberately ruin any chance at happiness he may have.

Before you shared your most recent update I imagined him as somebody simply pulling away from you. Simply withdrawing and not committing to the relationship because he doesn't think anybody will ever stay with him anyway. What I was not picturing (and maybe you did say it and I just missed it) was somebody being deliberately nasty. Somebody throwing around (whether it is true or not) that he has some other girl he's seeing instead of/in addition to you. That, whether it's true or not, he's using it deliberately to hurt you.

I can understand not trusting a good thing when it comes to you. I've been there myself. Good things don't happen to me, so on rare occasions when they do it is hard to trust that they are real or that they will last. But, that is no excuse for deliberately sabotaging any chance at happiness you do get. After your latest details, it seems to me that is what he's doing. I suppose there is still the hope that, given time, given persistence, he will see what he has in you. He will see that, in you, he has the potential for a partner who would NEVER leave him.... not unless he actively DRIVES you to it. Not unless he leaves you no other choice.

So, for right now, perhaps you take some time to cool down your own self and let him do the same. Maybe he'll realize his mistake and come back to you. Maybe if/when he does, you are willing to listen and work with him, maybe not. I HAD sympathy for the guy because I can feel his pain. That sympathy is starting to run out hearing what he has/could have in you and hearing that he blatantly spits in the face of that. Like I said before, I'd darn near KILL to have somebody like you in my life. I wouldn't DREAM of sabotaging that if ever I got that chance. Having trouble trusting it, that I could understand. Deliberately (whether or not he even realizes he's doing it) trying to destroy it.... that I cannot.

Again, you are AWESOME for sticking with him this long, and for still wanting to at this point. Hopefully your perseverance can pay off. Hopefully he can get the help he needs and stop letting the hurt of his past ruin any chance he has for happiness in the future. But... at some point there does need to be a breaking point for you because you need to worry as much about your own happiness. At some point, if he won't let you be part of his solution, if he won't fight for his own self, then you would be best just to leave him to hit his own rock bottom alone.

Again, I hope it doesn't have to come to that, both for your sake and for his. Not to mention your son. But, even more so with your son involved, you have to do what is best for you and for your little one. Even if what is right might initially also be difficult. Good luck.