Is it over between us?

[amers619]

Alright, here goes everything. Patience, please.

I was single for two solid years before I met my current boyfriend. At least I hope he is still my boyfriend. Which that little part right there, brings me here to you fine folks.

We met on an online sports page on facebook. Flirted a bit here and there and then he started messaging me. We started talking non-stop. All day every day. We would facetime nearly every night. Even when he was out with a friend he would video message me and introduce me to them.

After a couple months of this I went to visit him. I live in Oregon, he lives in Illinois but he travels here about once a month or so for work, lived here up until November last year (right before we met), and has his mom here.

It was amazing. Thought my flights were delayed and re-routed and I got in about 8hrs after I was supposed to he was there with open arms. We went out for cocktails. He introduced me to a couple more friends. We fell perfectly in to sync. There was no awkwardness... it was as if we had known each other forever. The long weekend spent with him was pure bliss. He woke me up on one of the nights and told me that I scare the hell out of him and that he loved me. All with tears in his eyes. The love was reciprocated. I had felt the urge to say it before myself but held back because it was still pretty early on.

I come home, things are grand, still talking every day, facetime and all. There were a couple little spats here and there with flares of some jealousy on both our parts. But we always voiced it and moved on.

The last couple of weeks he has been a bit more distant. I commented on it and he said I was being pushy and that he doesn't have to be talkative all the time and should be allowed his own time. I agreed that was true but I would prefer if he just said something like "Hey, I am fine, just want some quiet today" Or something along those lines so I wasn't left guessing or worrying. I struggle with anxiety which he knows so I had hoped this was an agreeable request. He said he would work more on communicating those things as I had told him from the very start that I was huge on communication.

Anyway, we didn't talk for a couple days and it sucked. Then we started talking again and things seemed fine though it was a small flag to me that he didn't tell me he was coming to Oregon but chalked it up to just him being introverted at the time. And it was a last minute trip as well. Anyway we planned to spend Saturday night together.

I woke up early Friday morning to a string of texts from him where he was upset over a back and forth I had with another guy on the sports page we are both on. To me it was nothing more than banter regarding teams. To him it was a double standard and me entertaining other guys. He stated we were done and to "you do you" and to cancel our room. I replied that I was truly just BSing with the guy and he was reading more into it than was there. I told him that I didn't realize those interactions bothered him because he had said previously that he just didn't let those things bother him. I apologized and said I did not mean to hurt him or make him upset. He then said at two seperate times during the conversation that he wanted a break/time to re-evaluate the situation. Then that he needed to sleep so I said good night.

Reflecting on it I could see that he did have a partial valid point and I said so much to him later that night when I sent him an apology, owning up to my actions and making an effort to correct the issue. I told him that I hoped we could overcome this together and move forward and reminded him that I do really love him. He read it. No reply. Four days of silence. Messaged him a hello this morning. He replied back with a hello. Then I asked if he was okay. He said he was and that he had just gotten back into cell service. I replied with an "Oh, okay. When are you getting back home?" He read it. No reply. Couple hours later, he had been online this whole time, I asked if we were going to be talking about everything soon. He read it. No reply. Was online off and on for a few hours after this and so I messaged and told him I hoped we will talk soon, wished him a safe journey home and mentioned how excited his puppy will be to have his dad home. Read. No reply.

Where do I go from here? Is this relationship over? Do I just let it go and move on? Do I give it more time? If so, how much more time? His feelings are valid and so is his need for space, but my feelings and needs are also important and I want nothing more than for us to meet on middle ground and have an actual conversation as opposed to just being ghosted out.

[richiro]

Ok so.. basically you're skating on thin ice, and although you mean well - you're making it worse (your'e pushing him away) - and i'll tell you exactly why.
You will notice thatn in the "resolugion of your spat" about communciadtions - the end result of that was that HE had to do all the adjusting and changing, YOU DID NOT. NOr did you offer to work on YOUR side of it which is and shuld have been, "i'll work on not getting so anxious when i don't hear from you". You will see that this reaction very closely and easily can be translated into "pushing him" (as he excplicitly stated that he felt you were being pushy to him). Starting to see the pieces fall in place?

Fast forward. notice how he isn't responding.. so you keep pushing? "are we goingto talk? "are we going to talk about everything ?' etc.? Again you mean well.. but GIVEN what he's told you, GIVEN your admitted shortcomings.. GIVEN that you required HIM to adjust to you but did nothing to adjust to him.... --- see why it's all falling into place?

HOW DO YOU FIX THIS?
Always with ANY issue between a couple, ACKNOWLEDGE your part as well. ALWAYS realize it's a TEAM EFFORT. ALWAYS agree to work on YOUR contribution to the problem as much as you are asking THEm to work on it. Always when asking them to appease something for you, find something you can appease them back with with EQUAL effort if not more. ALWAYS!

In english this means:
1. work on your anxieties and find out why you get anxious when people don't communiciate. Realize this is an issue within you. most likely an insecurity. work on it! work on not getting so anxious and TRUSTING YOUR PARTNER more innately rather than always put him on trial or on the defensive (aka "the pushy" part)

2. back off on the deamnds and always making everything about what YOU need and are requiring from him. How about what you can do for his needs and he requires from you - like.. not being pushy with him? trusting him and that when he's not communicating there is a reason and it's not always something bad. Trusting him and giving him enoygh leash to take care of what he needs to take care of and that if he needs or wants to speak or share it with you (because it may have zero to do with you) - he will. And if he doesn't, trusting that it had nothing to do with you and thue needn't involve you. How come you can't just say "hey... just wanted to know i was thinking of you and miss you.. hope you have a great day.. hope to hear from you soon" and leave it just at that? rather than , "hey.. are you ready to do what i need you to do for me yet again?" "hey just reminding you you still owe me something and i need you to do something for me"...

???

what you're going thru is a typical conflict between most couples due to the different way in how males/females are wired. don't expect and make him have to think and act like a female does. Just as he sholdn't make you have to think and act like a man. AND ACCEPT those differences. its never fun to have anybody start demanding changes in you when they have their own faults they aren't working on. Don't continue to be that person with him or anybody else.

These are really small things. Nobody expects them to be fixed 100% by tomorrow or next week. What's reuired here is sincere effort, and sincerely wanting to make that effort FOR THE GOOD OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP (not because YOU want it, or YOU need it, or it makes YOU feel better about tihngs - IT MUST be for THE RELATIONSHIP which means it has to help HIM also.. not just you).

You're skating on thin ice. Be careful.