Commitment created destruction

[nyarce]

Hello All, I was in a relationship with a man for almost 3 yrs. We got together after his nasty divorce from a crazy woman and he has custody of his amazing kids whom I love very much. Told him I did not think it was a good idea coming off a divorce to get into a serious relationship but he continued to persue me hard and we fell in love. Less than a year later he said that I was his soul mate and so lucky to have me and could not wait for the day for me to be his wife. Now two years into the relationship he barely speaks of marriage and I questioned him about it and he says he is not ready and does not want to get married right now and is not sure why or when he will want to. Says can we just live together and see how things work. I was crushed. I have a 10 yr old daughter and I would never move in with a boyfriend, uproot my daughters life on a half ass commitment situation. I am also divorced but I still believe marriage can work and be alot of work but a beautiful thing in life. I am going to be 42 and he 41. I just spent almost 3 yrs of my life loving this man now I dont feel like I even know who he is. This new tune is throwing me off bad so I left him because I feel deceived. Please any advice you can give would help.

[lauradlou]

Gosh, I am really sorry about your situation. I understand why you would be feeling hurt and frustrated. I would suggest that you do not move in with him until you are married. If he does not see marriage in the future, then I think that is something the two of you need to discuss and figure out if this relationship is going anywhere. Maybe it would be helpful to talk to a counselor. I will be praying for you!

[TheEvilJester]

It is definitely not necessarily a great sign, so I do certainly understand how you feel. I will say that I don't necessarily think it is a death sentence. In other words, I don't necessarily think it is a sign he's changed his mind and will never be ready.

Honestly, it could just very well be that he meant it when he said he couldn't wait to make you his wife..... but then as he sort of settled more post-Divorce, he started to realize that he didn't want to rush things. It may not even be that he has any doubts about you AT ALL. It's just, when you go through divorce it does kind of make you take it a little more seriously making the decision to get married again. Most people don't enter into marriage thinking they are going to get divorced. So, he once thought his ex was THE One. He once entered into marriage with her thinking it was permanent.... only to later realize maybe it had been a mistake.

So, it is understandable if maybe he wants to be as sure as he can this time around. And, again, that isn't to imply he ISN'T sure about you. I wouldn't know. It's just to say that, after what he's been through, maybe he feels like the fact that you love each other and want to be with each other is more important than a piece of paper that makes it official. Now, of course, that also does NOT mean you have to be okay with it if he isn't willing to move forward.

So, I think what you should probably do is have a talk with him about this. Let him explain to you why he's changed his tune. Discuss with him what feels to you like a reasonable time frame. Maybe you two aren't really all that far off. You wouldn't know unless you ask. To be honest, if he no longer wants to marry ANYBODY (or at least is more reluctant to do so) after having gone through a divorce, I can't necessarily blame him for that. So, it wouldn't make him wrong if that is how he feels..... but by the same token it doesn't make you wrong if that isn't okay for you. What WOULD be wrong is for either one of you to force the other to accept something that doesn't really work for them.

So, if he no longer wants to get married at all and that doesn't work for you.... or even if his time frame for when he could see getting married is too long for you... then you would not be wrong to end it. Heck, even if he'd be willing to get married given a certain amount of time, it would be understandable if you no longer want to wait just hoping it will happen. Hopefully, though, it doesn't have to come to that. Hopefully you two actually can agree to a reasonable time frame that works for you both. If you can't, though, you'd be better off just to move on. It most likely wouldn't work well if one or the other of you tried to force the other to compromise in ways they did not want.

Good luck to you!

[Hooo!]

He obviously has some issues with you and or the relationship
Those could vary from being annoyed at your sloppiness (example) to being bored or unattracted to having 3 18 year old side girls. Could be anything
I suggest getting it out of him.
He must learn to talk about the things that he is missing. If he can't then the relationship cannot handle disagreements.
Talk to each other instead of just leaving him because of a problem.