Need advice - help, don't know how what to do or how to choose, find the right one

[TheDeepBlue]

Hi to all of you, I got a big problem that's bugging me and I don't know how to resolve it. Hope you guys and girls can maybe help me out. I will try and give it my best to make it as short as it can be.
I am 28 years old and so far I didn't have a normal relationship. Let me explain that part, I had a few relationships that lasted for 2 years and also a few for 1 year and some short stuff that was in months. The problem is, I always choose the wrong people for those things. I never had the „happy ever after“ thing that I am looking for. I wish to be in a good and stable relationship were the both of us love each other, live together and are looking forward to marry one day in the future. You know, when both people understand each other perfectly. When things are simple and easy, we care and understand each other. Compromises are done, both of us are crazy for each other in mind and body etc. That would be a ideal one, yet I find and stick with something totally different.

All my life it was only two options;

1. I find a person who loves me and would do everything for me yet I don't love that person and I am not very much attracted to that girl.
2. I find a girl who I fall crazy in love in about 1-2 months and she is extremely bad for me and doesn't share the same emotions as I do, she doesn't care much. (Let me explain the bad part for me; one was a techno junkie on the pills, the other was bipolar, the third was manipulative, the last was emotionally retarded.)

So as you can see from the above, I never had a situation in my life where the both of us were on the same page, when both cared a lot, had feelings and attracted each other. I really don't know who the fu*k that feels, since from the first time I felt love it was also a one way street. I loved that girl from 15 years till 19 years and she didn't care much, for me love was more a painful experience then something relaxing and that you enjoy. Let me clear this part also, I am a very emotional person. And whenever I loved someone I was hurt a lot since like I said above the picks on my side were not really good ones, yet then again how do you actually pick a person who you want to fall in love with? You can't choose those things, or can you?

Now we are coming closer to my main story part. I came back from summer 2016, had a short relationship from June till October it didn't last long but it was extremely emotional for me, and in loved that girl like crazy much. But she was the emotionally retarded one and she told me bye I can't. The horrible part is now when I look at her, she is definitely not good for me and we are not a good match, yet my mind was foggy from those crazy emotions. And it's always like that, I can't see the bad people that are not for me and the good people I honestly like I don't feel attraction and I don't fall in love with them.

OK OK, so back to the story. I meet a girl online 6 months ago and we hit it off easy on the first coffee. The conversation was flowing so easy, time was going so fast and we didn't have any silent moments. So after that we hanged out more and more, literally talked over Skype the whole day. I put the laptop next to my PC Skype here and when I go on the toilet I take my laptop, when I shower I take my laptop, when we went to bed we talked on the laptop before someone would go to sleep etc. We did that for like 5 months now, every ****ing day. We hang out so much and we talk to each other so ****ing much. She is a student, 24 years old and I only work on summer times, so we both have a lot of free time now. Ofc we had sex and the sex is OK – good. You ask yourself now, wtf is the problem man?

Well the problem is that she is 182cm (5.97 feet) tall and had 130 kilograms 286 pounds, now she is on 100 kilograms 220 pounds and she still wants to lose more weight. Problem is I don't like big girls, I find it very unattractive and there is a lot of loose skin on here, that looks horrible in my opinion. She still want's to lose 20 more kgs so even more skin and I think that is a big factor that is blocking me and my emotions. In the start we both were solo, I didn't have any emotions so we were like yeah let's be **** friends only and keep it simple. But as you imagine from so much time spent together I have a lot of feelings for her. We are both so similar in our views, expectation in our life, things we want, how we look at the world bla bla. So many things incoming, like someone did a copy paste of my mind only one is male the other female.

So now the problem is she loves me and want's to be with me and I love her extremely as a person but I didn't fall in love with her. I literally feel like we are a old couple that is married for already 20 years. The sex is ok, not crazy. The sparks are not here but we like each other, everything is good but not you know the way I want it to be. I want passionate sex, I want to love her fully and accept here 100% and wish the same from here. I want to give her my max, I can get those things from here but I can't give them. I am scared, I don't want some half as maybe relationship just because I didn't have anything better. I don't want to be with her since she is safe for me and good for me.

Yet again I really don't want to be with girls who don't deserve me and who don't care shit about me. I am so confused what we should do now. So I told her how I need time to think and we should not talk or see each other for some time. The timing is good since summer is soon here and I will have a lot of work and will not be able to see here since I am going in a totally different county for that period. I am lost, I don't know what to do. We are a super match in personality and literally everything is smooth expect I didn't fall in love, I don't find her very attractive since of the weight and excessive skin.

I am 28 years old and I really don't know will I ever be able to find a normal relationship, I feel like I will **** up again and have someone who doesn't deserve me and who will **** me up. Yet then again if I accept her, I don't want to **** her up, I don't want to look at other more visually attractive girls and be with her, I don't want to settle just because it's a safe option. The both of us are looking for true love and someone who will accept is fully yet the both of us fail hard at that. And we choose to be with each other since there is nobody who is a better option for her or me.

We are not together and do everything together yet again we are not in a relationship, we are not a couple and we don't know wtf we are doing. The story is so much longer and much more complex then this but I thing you get the point form this text I wrote down. I hope you can give me some advice or tell me from your life. This is a very important thing for me and I want to do the best thing for the both of us. But I don't know what? Try, or not to try? I know she will lose the weight and all but then again that doesn't guarantee that I will fall in love ever with her. Maybe yes, maybe no maybe who the **** knows, right? I am really lost and sad and we cried and cried each time we talk about this so this cool down period over a summer is at least a good thing to think about it all.

I really don't know what makes a relationship work, how people choose each other who are in a good and stable relationship. How do people know they are good each for the other? My whole family married out of interest. My parents, my aunt and uncle, etc. All of them ****ing morons, I really don't want that for me... They all have shallow and shit relationships that I hope to God I will never have. Id rather be solo for life then make a mistake like that, yet the idea of being solo scares the shit out of me. But looks very realistic since all for now didn't go good at all. Always some stupid problem.

[Archie]

I can relate to the last part of what you said. I'd rather be single than in an halfassed relationship that'll hit the wall and crash us both to smitherenes.

Yet, here I sit and wonder, why did you even start sleeping with her if you weren't physically attracted to her? What was your reason for that?
I will never be in your shoes, so I can't tell you what to do, I'll just say what I've always said - love is a game, regardless how well you play, someone will eventually get hurt, either you or the other person. If you know the spark isn't there when you look into her eyes, then you'll never find it there.

[pcmaster]

I lost sympaty for you when you said you dont find her attractive. Its just looks man, you get used to them. If girl is good for you and loves you then what more anyone might need? I really thing you are looking for drama here. Like you havent had enought bad traumatizing bitches in your life. Its like you want girl that is sexy as hell but treats you like piece of shit. If you are so shallow and care about looks more than heart and personality then you dont deserve her. Its like you are not old enough, didnt had enough drama in your life, you want more. The best girls are not the ones you fall crazy in live with. Because after high comes live and when you choose to be high you choose to be low aswell because everything is emotionsl rollercoaster - up and down.
I think you really can grow as a person with current girl and it can be for a chance healing experience not traumatizing like with previous girls. I think you have to learn that there are not pretty girls but good ones.
The problem with this girl is that you are not under beautiful womans spell and she dont treat you like a shit while you are blind to it and think you deserve bad attitude cause shes so beautiful.
I think its super rare and who knows might be just once in a lifetime when you meet a girl like this you currently met.

[TheDeepBlue]

I can relate to the last part of what you said. I'd rather be single than in an halfassed relationship that'll hit the wall and crash us both to smitherenes.

Yet, here I sit and wonder, why did you even start sleeping with her if you weren't physically attracted to her? What was your reason for that?
I will never be in your shoes, so I can't tell you what to do, I'll just say what I've always said - love is a game, regardless how well you play, someone will eventually get hurt, either you or the other person. If you know the spark isn't there when you look into her eyes, then you'll never find it there.

Well I am that type of guy who dose not think with his brain when he is horny and I was sexually turned on, again because of the character and we were drinking at my apartman one thing led to the other and yeah it happened. She likes sex a lot I like sex a lot, non of us had anyone other to **** so we said why not. Let's go like that until someone finds a better match yet it didn't happen and we connected even more. Problem is non of us is fully happy where we are now. She want's love so do I. How can I be with her if I love her for the person she is but I didn't feel in love with her? I also want some lust, some crazy feeling yet ofc I don't want any more crazy bitches in my life. I am asking myself one thing, is it so rare to find someone who loves you like you love that person and that everything is there you know, mind body soul? That type of stuff, looks like it's more rare then getting a winning loto ticket :/ I do se some great couples but there are like a 1 in 100 or even more. I don't know, I wish for sparks but I know most of them got me burned and were shallow things that didn't last at all. So like I said, don't really know what do to with this part of my life, and it's very important for me...

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I lost sympaty for you when you said you dont find her attractive. Its just looks man, you get used to them. If girl is good for you and loves you then what more anyone might need? I really thing you are looking for drama here. Like you havent had enought bad traumatizing bitches in your life. Its like you want girl that is sexy as hell but treats you like piece of shit. If you are so shallow and care about looks more than heart and personality then you dont deserve her. Its like you are not old enough, didnt had enough drama in your life, you want more. The best girls are not the ones you fall crazy in live with. Because after high comes live and when you choose to be high you choose to be low aswell because everything is emotionsl rollercoaster - up and down.
I think you really can grow as a person with current girl and it can be for a chance healing experience not traumatizing like with previous girls. I think you have to learn that there are not pretty girls but good ones.
The problem with this girl is that you are not under beautiful womans spell and she dont treat you like a shit while you are blind to it and think you deserve bad attitude cause shes so beautiful.
I think its super rare and who knows might be just once in a lifetime when you meet a girl like this you currently met.

I understand what you want to say but should you be attracted in the person you want beside you? It should be that you love both the mind and the body? I don't know, I am very insecure about this thing since I got ****ed up a lot and I am still thinking and dreaming for a perfect match, yet each day I am less sure about those things. How many people do really find that? A person they truly love you know mind, body, soul etc. Everything that that person is, was and will be and that they got the same damn thing in return? There is always someone loving and someone not, getting there from some point of interest and like I said I feel like getting true love is something more rare then getting a winning loto ticket. When I see people around me, family and friends most of them are in shitty relationships. They are there, they do function somehow but the are not good for each other and they are dysfunctional, every looks like they settle for almost anything...

I don't need a sexy as hell girl, just someone who is beautiful in my view, don't give a shit if others think she is not. I really want someone who I accept overall and this bugs me a lot. Since when I think of trying something with her and not loving her 100% that makes me feel like shit, since I know she deserves it. And I don't know if she even loses all the kilos and gets fit and whatever will I then fall in love or not? I don't understand what makes a happy couple and what makes it last long, like I said I am very lost and this thing is my biggest life insecurity! What to do, who to pick, what is safe, what not, should you, shouldn't you bla bla bla...

Like I said earlier and will say it again, beauty is not the thing that bugs me the most. I am not happy that I don't love her as I should love her. She has those types of feeling and I love her on a different way. If she was the ugliest of them all and I was crazy in love with her I wouldn't care so much. But then again I don't know what is blocking all of those emotions that I should have? I am asking my self why and how did she fall so much for me and I am yet at a distance? I don't understand my emotions on this part and don't know what is the best thing I should do or not do. You really think girls like that are so rare? You think that there is no option of getting all of those things from a person where all is as it should be?

[TheEvilJester]

This one, I will say, is a little hard to judge. On the one hand, I do agree in large part with pc. Looks aren't the most important thing in the world, so if you hit it off like crazy with somebody maybe that should be more important. On the other hand, though, you can't help who you do and do not find attractive. So, if it just happens you do not find bigger gals attractive, it isn't like that makes you a bad guy. You can't help it if that isn't attractive to you any more than, for example, somebody can simply decide whether they want to be straight or gay. I do agree with the others, though, that if you didn't find her attractive you shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place.

Unfortunately, it is a little too late for that advice now. I do think this sort of situation is kind of like a double-edged sword. Because, if you just do not find her attractive and feel that is unlikely to change, then that is kind of wrong for both of you. Because, on the one hand doesn't she deserve to be with somebody who finds her incredibly attractive.... but by the same token, don't you deserve to be with somebody YOU find incredibly attractive? Not only that, but if you feel like you'd be settling by being with her, then that isn't really right to her. She's not somebody's consolation prize because they couldn't get somebody they really want. She deserves to be somebody's grand prize.

So, I think you may be asking questions that unfortunately we can't answer. Only you really can. Do you truly just not find her attractive.... or are you perhaps just unintentionally self-sabotaging and not letting yourself find her attractive? Could you two be a great couple.... or would you really be better off as just friends? Just because two people share a lot in common doesn't necessarily automatically mean they'd make a great couple. They may be great as friends, but not right as a couple.

Again, I think these are questions you will have to answer. But, I hope we've at least been able to help in some way. Good luck to you in whatever you do decide. I hope that both you and her find true love very soon.... whether that winds up being with each other, or with two other people.

[pcmaster]

For us guys looks are important in girl. But girls care less how guys look. Anyway if you for example marry beautiful girl and then she gets older and gets wrinkles, will you fall out of love with her because of looks and dump her?

[Hooo!]

What I read so far in a nutshell:
You are searching for "both people understand each other perfectly. When things are simple and easy, we care and understand each other. Compromises are done, both of us are crazy for each other in mind and body etc. That would be a ideal one, "

Even if that were possible- which I do not know- you are one of those persons.

Understanding each other means not only hearing what someone means, it means making yourself heard adequately

Things are simple and easy if you make it clear and communicate.
Caring means sharing your thoughts and above all the truth.

You cannot find this relationship because all you do is complain about the other people not bringing this into your life, yet you fail to bring any of the things you want into your current relationship.

Give before you receive.

In my experience relationships are not easy nor simple. They require effort on both sides and willingness and love and self awareness, self criticism, being tolerant and the ability to make a love grow

[TheEvilJester]

That is a good point and I would agree. I mean, I suppose at first relationships should be easy/simple. ...Or actually, I guess maybe not even at first. At first you are just meeting/dating somebody and it can be awkward, clumsy, nerve-wracking, etc. Once you get through the initial getting to know each other phase and get to a point where you are officially in a relationship/exclusive/all that.... then, yeah, I think initially it should seem easy/simple. At that point, you should be in what people often call the "Honeymoon phase," so it should seem easy/simple then. ....But that stage eventually ends. Which shouldn't actually be a bad thing. That should be when you know each other, faults and all, and still love each other/want to be with each other. But, relationships still take work, compromise, commitment, etc. So, yeah, relationships aren't easy, but it can/should be a good kind of not easy. They are worth it.... when it is the right relationship.

For us guys looks are important in girl. But girls care less how guys look. Anyway if you for example marry beautiful girl and then she gets older and gets wrinkles, will you fall out of love with her because of looks and dump her?

I think women care as well, at least to some degree/some women. I'm living proof. Though, I do think women, IN GENERAL are more open when it comes to looks. I also think pc makes a GREAT point here. Looks are fleeting. Eventually we all get old and don't necessarily look as good anymore. So, that is something to consider. Even if you wind up with somebody you find SUPER attractive.... eventually they won't look that way anymore. You need to be able to love THEM and not just how they look... because it would certainly be wrong to dump them once they get old just because of a biological change they can't help.