Is my relationship toxic to me?

[Tranggle]

I started dating my boyfriend a month ago after 3 months knowing each other. Before I dated him, I had been talking to another guy (We were almost dating). I thought I would date that guy instead of my boyfriend and back then they didn't know each other. My boyfriend once have asked me to be his girlfriend but I declined. Then I stopped talking to him twice because of the other guy. But somehow me and my boyfriend started talking again and he found out about that guy, I thought we would end and I would just go ahead and date that guy (I didn't date any of them at that time). But then my boyfriend gave me a choice because he liked me a lot, he made me choose between him and the other guy. It was 3 weeks until I finally made my decision. And I chose my boyfriend. Then a month after that, we officially started dating.

I thought I made the right decision. And he said he was so happy when I chose him. But since then, I started feeling depressed.

My boyfriend is not the talkative type of person, He doesn't talk much. It was totally not a big deal to me before we dated because I was still talking to the other guy. But just now realized that those little things that the other guy has done to me such as loving good morning messages every morning I woke up, after work phone calls,.. meant a lot to me and made me feel loved. And my boyfriend doesn't do any of that at all. After we just dated, I told him that It bothered me that he replied my texts late (5-10 mins, sometimes hours), and I could see he's been trying to avoid that. But then, his short (sometimes nonsense) replies just pissed me off. I just wish he could talk more, at least share with me about his day or whatever besides shortly reply to whatever I share with him. I wish He said sweet things more frequently too. I know I should not be overthinking and that's just not a thing to talk about. Also I might hurt his feeling if I told him that. But that's been bugging me and It seems like that's the way he talks not just to me but everyone. How could I just sit here and complain on that?

Also, I've been overthinking (because I'm depressed). I don't feel cared (even though I know he cares about me a lot). I feel different when we are together but since we only meet once a week, and he has not attempted to meet me more, texting is the only way of communication. We used to skype all night, play games,.. and he doesn't seem to do that anymore. After the last time we met, I thought to myself that everything is gonna be fine I just need to stop overthinking. But shortly I started feeling depressed again, every time we texted, I felt like a weight in my heart. I started talking like him, short and nonsense replies, sometimes I didn't talk to him like the whole day just because I felt worse talking to him. It's just frustrating to either hold it or let him know. This is literally killing me. I can't talk to him about that. Every time I want to do so, I think about his last relationship which lasted 2 years. And his ex probably didn't complain much. I don't want to be annoying to him. What should I do right now? I'm so helpless.

[TheEvilJester]

To me, I think the bottom line of it is this..... Is this relationship making you happy? I can't really answer that, you'd have to, but it certainly sounds like the answer to that is no. Now, sometimes relationships hit a rough patch and sometimes it CAN be worth it to work through it.... but you say you've been dating a month. Only a month and already it makes you this miserable?

I think that is a pretty decent sign that maybe it isn't meant to be. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying it is a foregone conclusion. If you think there could be something worth trying to save, then you should certainly at least try. Now, believe me, I more than understand what it is like to overthink things and drive yourself crazy. So, I can certainly understand that maybe you are doing that to some degree and that only makes you feel even worse. BUT... that doesn't necessarily mean you are wrong.

He's not very talkative with you or attentive to your needs as his girlfriend.... But you do mention he's kind of like that with everybody. So, it is entirely possible he does care for you very much so and just doesn't realize there is anything wrong with the way he is. Again, though, that doesn't mean you just have to be okay with that. I, for one, can understand how you feel for sure. If I ever had a girlfriend, I would want somebody who wants to be with me, talk to me, etc. as much as possible. Granted, we don't have to be literally inseparable. Even in the best of relationships you need to also make time for you to be your own separate individuals. BUT, I wouldn't want a relationship where I'm constantly made to feel like my partner couldn't give much of a crap to be around me. I'd rather just continue not having a relationship than to have that.

So, for the sake of argument lets say this is just the way he is in a relationship.... that he DOES value you, care about you, but he's just not the most talkative guy.... If that's the case he's not doing anything wrong per se... but again, that doesn't mean it has to be okay for you. Either he CAN be more attentive to you even if it is not his normal way, or if it is just who he is and he can't change it then maybe you two just aren't the right match.

You can certainly try talking to him about this all first, though, if you'd like. I wouldn't say you should approach the discussion as though you are accusing him of any wrongdoing. Because, again, maybe to his own knowledge everything is fine, maybe he's just not Mr. Social, so what you get from him is just normal for him. But, you want to make it clear that you understand if he's maybe not normally like that, but that for you that just isn't enough. That you want somebody you can talk to more, share with, and stuff like that. If he feels he CAN provide that, great. If not, then maybe that is your excuse to part ways.

Your relationship should be the thing that brings you the most happiness in life. It should not be just another source of misery. Now, to answer the question posed in your subject.... I think to say your relationship is TOXIC would be an exaggeration in your case. At least based on what you've shared so far. To me, a TOXIC relationship more so implies malicious intent like one/both of the partners are abusive or neglectful in some way. At least from what you've shared so far, I don't get the impression that he's being deliberately ignorant of your needs. I don't get the impression there is any malicious intent on his part. I think he may just be unaware that there is anything wrong. So, I wouldn't call it toxic.... but it may not be the right relationship for you. Or, again, maybe it can be.

Good luck to you either way, in whatever you do decide. Again, though, the bottom line of it is that a relationship should make you happy. If it isn't making you happy, then either it can be fixed if you two work at it, or it is better to move on. I hope you decide what you think is best for you, and I hope it works out well for you as well as him.

[Hooo!]

What do you want?

[TheEvilJester]

LOL! I always love Hooo's extremely short/simplistic responses coming right after my ridiculously long and complicated responses. Especially because most often (such as in this case) he makes such a valid point in such a succinct manner. Really, that is exactly the right question to be asking yourself. What do you want.... and then follow that up with a question of whether or not your fella is likely to be able to provide that. Bottom line, if what you need in a relationship is likely something he will never be able to provide, then you are not wrong to move on. In fact, if that were the case it would really be better for both you and him. Good luck to you either way.

[richiro]

why did you choosse the bf over the other guy then? there must be some reason right?

you always have to do what makes you happy - but a lot of times peopel make the wrong decision b/c they choose the fantasy over the reality. they choose the exciting rather than the reliable/dependable... be careful that you ware not doing this.

you may be doing the "instead of looking at what you have, you are focusing on what you don't have"....

so again.. why did you choose the bf then?