Man and lesbian

[Silentbob004]

Ok, so.. I am a straight male and have had a long term friendship with a girl who happens to be gay. Her and I clicked from the beginning as friends, and we have many of the same traits as the other. We are both awkward, somewhat antisocial, and have a lot of the same views. We get along so well because we share many of the same traits and know we can hang out without any type of judgement or anything similar. We've always gotten along perfectly and have text/Snapchat/Facebook constantly for the past two years. She was always in a relationship with a girl throughout our whole friendship which provided me with no feelings or emotions towards her other than being one of my best friends and she has never been with a guy. One night we both had.. many.. drinks and we ended up sleeping together. I later asked her how she felt about it and said how great it was and I overheard her talking to friends saying the same. This is where the problem comes in.

I have never told her, but after I realized I do like her and have feelings for her. I have too much respect for her and her values on being gay to say anything different but ever since then she has been acting weird. Our conversations are now short with no substance.. and I can tell she is now trying to avoid me or distance herself from me. Something I have not experienced our whole friendship. I have tried talking to her about it and she just seems confused. She's going through a lot with the breakup, moving, and her own emotions.. and the last thing I want to do is give her more to think about and/or end our friendship by being weird about it. If there is anyone here that can help me understand what she's thinking or if I have done something wrong, please let me know. I like this girl a lot, but also understand that there is a good chance that she simply isn't into me because I'm a man or other factors and I don't want to ruin the closeness as friends that we have. I know there's a good chance that it was just a thing that happened in the heat of the moment and I would absolutely continue just being her best friend if she doesn't feel the same way I do. Do I back off and go back to being her friend? Do I wait it out and see what happens? Do I pursue her? I suppose I'm more interested in what is going through her head and what she is thinking..

[TheEvilJester]

This one is a unique situation. So, I think I am going to have to preface this to say I've never myself experienced a situation like this. I'm not, myself, gay, nor have I ever had the experience of developing feelings and/or having a situation like this with a woman who is gay. So, take my thoughts and advice as just that.... the thoughts and advice of one singular creature.

The first thing I will say is that if you two, drunk though you both may have been, equally consented to what took place that night.... then no you did not do anything wrong. If one or the other of you had, in some way, coerced the other into a situation they did not want, that WOULD be wrong. It doesn't sound like that is what happened here. It sounds like you both, in your inebriated state, wanted that. I could be wrong in that, but if I am correct, then neither of you did anything wrong.

For right now, my personal advice would be to give her a little time and space. She may just be going through a lot right now and be very confused. It is possible she just needs some time to figure things out and then can decide how she wants to proceed from there. All the same, I did say "a little" time and space for a reason. My point being, that time and space shouldn't stretch on forever. At some point, you two probably will need to talk about it.

So, if you give her some time, hopefully you two can connect and do just that. Though, if you try giving her time and nothing seems to change with her new distant behavior, then you may just need to ask her to talk. I think the bottom line is that, one way or the other, you two are going to have to talk about it. That isn't the sort of thing you can usually just pretend didn't happen and just go back to normal. You both need to talk about whether or not you feel like it was/needs to be a one time thing or if you think it may be a sign of something possibly deeper between you two.

The bad news is something like this COULD wind up necessitating the end of the friendship if it may be too difficult for one or both of you to remain friends after this. The good news is it MAY NOT. It's certainly possible she feels something for you she never did for any other guys and that just has her confused right now. Or it is also entirely possible she does not and it was just a one time thing for her... but that she could still see being friends. If so, then there is still the matter of whether you can see still being friends.

It may just be me, but I don't think I'd recommend you actively go after her right now. Again, maybe just me but I feel like that would seem insensitive given that you know her history. You know she's never been with a guy before, so it would seem presumptuous of you to think that could be different for you just because of what happened. I think to pursue her actively right now would make it seem like you are dismissing what you know about her (that she's gay) and just acting like that's suddenly changed. Yes, you two had one moment.... but that doesn't necessarily suddenly change who she is.

Again, that doesn't mean there is no chance of you two winding up together. Maybe she will discover she does like men AND women, it's just that she'd never met a man that interested her before. So, like I said, for now I think time and distance is in order... and then eventually an open and honest discussion between you two. In the end, hopefully you two can at least remain friends (if not even discover an all new level of your relationship). If not, though, if it would be too hard for her to continue to remain friends after what happened, or even if it would be too difficult for you, then perhaps you two will need to do what is right, even if it may not be what is easy.

Though, again, I will reiterate that I have never really experienced a situation like this. So, my thoughts and opinions on this come only from internally and not from actual experience. So, take it with a grain of salt as they say and just use it as another opinion to consider. Good luck to you either way.

[Silentbob004]

The entirety of your reply makes so much sense to me. It gives me a lot of things to think about and I will takes many parts of your advise.. parts that maybe I was already thinking but did not know where to go with them. Thank you for taking time out of your day to give a stranger some insight. I appreciate and wish you well!

[BrandonCodi]

I've never been in a situation like this either. It's an uncommon one for sure.

I would think of this way:

You're a straight guy, she's a gay girl. Have you ever been with a guy yourself? No probably not. She's never been with a guy either until you. As a straight man, how would you feel if you drunkenly hooked up with another guy? You'd probably feel pretty gross about yourself the next day, especially if it was someone you were friends with. How often would you want to see them after that? By seeing them and having contact with them, you just constantly remind yourself of what happened. It's not that you hate the guy, but you associate him with that bad experience and therefore want to avoid remembering it.

This is how I'm guessing your lesbian friend feels. I've never been in this situation myself, but I can only imagine. I know a straight girl who hooked up with a girl once and she felt disgusted with herself. I'm not saying you're disgusting, but this wouldn't be an unreasonable reaction for her to have.

TheEvilJester is right. You have to give her space. She may come around, she may not. I'm thinking she will because it wouldn't be fair for her to do that to you since you have been friends for so long.

Cheers, brother

[Hooo!]

Well if she really was gay
And still is
Then this is doubly weird.
Imagine just for a sec you got drunk, consented to have sex with your best(male) mate and thought it was great after (additionally having just ditched a girlfriend)

I wouldn't give her time. Girls usually like to be taken on a journey. They like male initiation
It all comes down to wether she is gay, bi or hetero really.
Reasons for someone wanting to be gay also could include some strong negative experience with the opposite sex.
(All men are shit-belief)
Could be not.
So much unclear.
For me that would mean a nudge in the right direction?
Depends on what you want?

Have you told her what you told us in the same way?

PS. If a girl says she's gay that doesn't mean she really is.
Could be she is gay. Could be she's bi. Could be she sexually identifies as Apache helicopter

[pcmaster]

Could be she sexually identifies as Apache helicopter

LOL most funny thing I have seen today.

[TheEvilJester]

Could be she is gay. Could be she's bi. Could be she sexually identifies as Apache helicopter

That's just silly. ...She identifies as a mythological fire-breathing dragon. ...Oh, but don't call her mythological to her face. That's their word. We're not supposed to use it.