My story

[AnalHappinesS]

I just want to ask for advice on how to cope with the situation I have found myself upon. This is the first time I make a post in a forum for such issues and I'm doing it because during my teenage years I've spent my time playing video games and I couldn't say I have a close friend whom I could ask for help on the matter. I hope you guys can help me because I'm truly lost and I can't find any meaning..

So this is how it all began: I've met a girl in my university and I've come to like her, at first. I thought that it was just a feeling and it will pass. This time,however, was different. I went on doing my daily routine but all I could think about was her. It was just like in the movies - I couldn't eat, sleep, study,work ... Everything in my head was what was she doing, who was she seeing, was she ok. So I thought to myself that I should man up and ask her on a date and I did. It took some courage giving the fact I wasn't really sociable to begin with (explained it in the beginning). I didn't sleep for a night thinking how and what should I say to her. The other day I stood up from the bed, I manned up and I went to ask her out. I wanted it to be face to face so that was how I did it. I asked her if she wanted to go out and she said "yes" so I went euphoric and forgot to ask about a date and time of the date. Later on I texted her that it could be whenever she's free.

The thing that happened next is the thing that is actually the problem and the reason I'm writing to you guys for help. I was coming home and she texted me that she's seeing a boy and that she would go out with me only as a friend. So the first thing I asked her was why didn't she tell me this the moment I asked her out personally. She said that she didn't understand that I was asking her out on a date (we did go out as a group with other friends before and she thought this was once again the case). Shame or not, after I got home I cried for 5 hours straight. I've never cried in my life up to that point. I'm not a writer so I cannot express the way I felt about her in words. This was the first girl I imagined my life with, the first one I didn't sleep during the night out of excitement that I'll be seeing her in the morning.

After all that I said to myself that if i truly loved her, I want to see her happy, thus accept the fact she is seeing someone else (if not - accept the fact she doesnt like me) and move on. Now, the actual problem is that we're living in the same flat and studying the same specialty in the same university, so we should see each other on regular basis. She asked me if I wanted to stay friends, so I casually said yes. The problem that I am facing right now is that no matter how hard I try to forget her or not thing about her, go out with friends, see other girls, she is the one I'm thinking about. I cannot exchange a sentence with her knowing she's being with someone else. I think my issues run deeper and I need to seek professional help because I cannot see her on regular basis and accept the fact that we're just friends. I just can't. Should I tell her that we shouldn't meet anymore, although she isn't being cruel or rude to me. The problem is not that I'm rejected. I just want to see her happy, it's just that I'm going insane, of sorts.

I hope you guys could advice me on what to do from here on.

Thank you for reading.

[Titanll]

Yep, going insane. Seek professional help as soon as possible.

[Hooo!]

You suffer a strong case of oneitis
Google it


Additionally You don't even know the girl. You know her outside traits. Such as behaviour Humor intelligence and looks
The other things you like are in your head

You basically don't like her
You like the idea of her that you have

[TheEvilJester]

I can understand how you feel. I think many of us have been there. Especially when you consider this is the first girl you've ever felt with way for in your life so far. It can be hard to let that go. If there is ANY way you can get out of the situation that has you around her so much, then that has to be your first step. Are there other living arrangements you can find for yourself? The fact is, being around her so much is NOT going to allow you to move on.

You are right to not want to do or say anything TO her in this regard. She didn't do anything wrong. But, neither did you, so why do you deserve to be punished? Believe me, you WILL get over her and you WILL find somebody else. I don't mean to sound unromantic, but there isn't just one person in this world who could be that special somebody for each of us. Maybe she COULD HAVE been for you if she hadn't already been in a relationship.... but even if she could have that doesn't mean you missed your chance at happiness. It just means there is somebody else out there still looking for you.

Hooo is right that you are suffering from oneitis. I don't think that's actually a real world, but it is something people sort of made up to describe this. It is when you get smitten by somebody and fall into the trap of feeling like they are the one and only. It makes it hard or even impossible for you to keep yourself open to any other options because you can't help but focus just on this one person. I think most of us have been there, so you aren't going crazy or anything like that.

....But I also agree with Hooo in that you don't actually know her well enough to be in love with her. You love who you think she is. You could be right about that, or if you got to know her better you could learn there are a lot of things you don't like about her..... or the things you did like could be a lie. I know from experience that you can't help when you get hit by this sort of thing. Though, what you CAN do is learn this about yourself and learn better how to also engage your intellectual side to realize that they are just another human being who could turn out not to be a good match for you after all.

I still get crushes, and when I crush, I crush HARD. So, I know how you feel.... but I've also learned this about myself and learned to be able to engage my intellectual side as well. Some part of me will be thinking "Oh my God! She's so amazing! I'd give anything for a chance to be with her." But there's also part of me acknowledging "....Yeah, but she may not actually be who/what I think.... so what I REALLY want is the opportunity to get to know her better and hope that she does prove to be everything I think and even more." It's not easy, but it can be done.

As it is, I would never deter somebody from seeking professional help if they feel they need it. I don't think what you are experiencing is unusual in any way.... so my personal gut reaction wouldn't be to tell you to seek help. ....But, I always recommend it if you feel it could help. It never hurts to seek the help of a professional. They could help you to learn how to get past this, or even better how to better handle feelings like this in the future.

Good luck to you. I know from experience that this is all just words right now, it can be too hard to believe it. But, believe me, in time you will be okay. In time you will find somebody else. In time you'll find somebody who is interested in you just in the way you are them.