No label relationship and talking with other guys online

[Marj03]

Is it considered cheating when you don't have a label in a relationship and talking to other guys online ?just casual talks, no flirting, never meet anyone. So I've* known this guy for 2 yrs and ahalf and we go out regularly like 2x a month just for the past 6 months and we're exclusive. We're both busy with our work and he lives in other city( 50mins drive) and I don't drive yet.. he's always the one who need to pick me up. When I asked him are we dating..he said he doesn't know. We have sex lots of times, go out like playing billiards, eating in a resto bar, going in his fave sports pubs and bars, casino and many more. We love spending time together. So one night when we're together in a hotel, while I'm showing him a message to my fone, he started to open some months old messages in my fone from other guys I met online but I don't really intend to meet them.just casual messages and talks. He got mad but in calm* manner and said I'm a slut with different guys name in my fone. I asked him 3x like if "what are we" are we moving forward or what? Bcoz I dont know where to put myself* after all the things happening between us. He doesn't give me direct answers. Always vague, he never call me his girlfriend. He always said he likes me alot and have feelings for me but he's not vocal about it. He's 30 yrs old same as me, and his last serious relationships was 4 yrs ago. He's a picky guy.. and I feel very bad. Like I'm the worst person bcoz now I finally found the guy I've waited for so long, I messed it up. I never Cheated in past relationships when I'm in a committed relationship. But this guy we're doing everything couples doing ..but we're not official.. I'm always waiting for him just to make it official..but he didn't.* And now he's calling me a slut, threw my fone, when he saw guys messages and in my contacts. I'm confused he acted that way.like if we're official I can understand it's gonna be cheating. I LOVE this guy so much and I said to him..im not that kind of girl your thinking.* I even confessed that I have a feeling for him already and I don't want to waste all the precious time we spent together. He said, He cannot trust me anymore, one thing he hates is when people lied on him. I said sorry lots of time..to forgive me AND asked him for another chance just to proved I'm serious and I already learn from my mistake. But he won't give me a chance. Before we part ways I asked him again..if he can only give me another chance..he said he will think about it. I don't like other guys..its only him. I have suitors even back home but I dont entertain them..because its only him I love. I just need your advise please...thanks

[TheEvilJester]

You've been going out for over two years. Normally, my gut instinct would be to say what you did is cheating if you've been together that long. Being together that long implies some kind of commitment to each other.

....Here's the thing. I DON'T think that is the case here. You've asked him before what you two are. You've HAD the discussion and he can't give you a straight answer. I don't know if it is just me, but as far as I am concerned, then he has no right to expect anything. He has no right to expect you two to be exclusive and no right to be mad if you date other guys. You've tried to have the exclusive conversation and he didn't want to commit to being exclusive.

I mean, unless maybe I misunderstood. If the conversation was that you two considered yourselves exclusive but he just wasn't ready to put an official title on it, maybe that is different. But, it didn't sound that way to me. He has no right to be unwilling to be exclusive with you.... but then get mad when you have other options.

All that said, I don't think you should necessarily approach it that way with him. I only said all that because it sort of aggravates me to hear you beating yourself up over something that, to me, doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. Don't let him make you feel bad when he is the one that left you so uncertain in the first place.

If you do talk to him, you should be fair.... but firm. In other words, you can sort of passively apologize.... but also stand your ground. In other words, something like "Look, I really am sorry if I misunderstood and hurt you. That was not my intention. But, I've tried to have the exclusivity conversation with you and you didn't want to take that step. To be honest, you are the only guy I want.... but I need to know we are on the same page. I can't let myself get too invested in somebody who doesn't feel the same way. So, I'm not pressuring you to make any decision before you are ready, but we at least have to be in agreement with where we stand and what that means. If we can't agree, then maybe we are just better off breaking it off. No hard feelings, but if that is the case maybe we just aren't the right match. But, I really think we can be and hope you feel that way as well. I just need to know it is going somewhere."

If you do use that, put that in your own words, obviously. I don't know how to human well. But, that is just some thought off the top of my head of how to word it.

Good luck to you.

[Marj03]

Thanks for your advise EvilJester. The one and ahalf year is on and off meeting like every 2 to 3months. It just became regular 6 months ago..but still no label and Im confused and its hurting me I said. BUt I just want to make things right after my mistakes. Learned my lesson. I love him and don't want to give up right away. I introduced him with my cousins for the first time even though I know that might be the 1st and last time. He still met them and had fun talking with my cousins and having some BBQ. Lots of foods we prepared for him.We already had a planned that's why despite our status is on the rough road already.. he still continue it..though he said we can be friends instead but not the same anymore. That he doesn't like to be with people who lies..and he said I will just give his number with my cousins bcoz they're nice people..and one day he might visit them and bring some foods and it will be better if I'm not at home during that time.

[Titanll]

Casual talk, no flirting and never meeting a guy would easily be enough for me to end a relationship. Most guys with some intelligence will figure that you were preparing to monkey branch to the next guy as soon as you met one that you wanted more.

This stuff is so easy to avoid. If you were using an online site, just close the damned thing when you start dating someone. You can always open a new profile if things don't work out with the first guy.

There are a lot of mistakes that you can learn from and never get a chance to repeat.

You asked if it's cheating when talking to other guys while in an unlabeled relationship, well the guy you were in the unlabeled relationship didn't take too well. I guess, there's your answer.

[CantMoveOn]

Um, but you said in one breath " no labels " and in the next you said " we are exclusive" Exclusive IS a label, to me. Plus, you are having sex, and been together awhile. SO he better start saying you ARE his GF or you should go find another man who can step up and be what you need in a relationship because he sounds like he is a "get his cake and eat it " kind of guy. NO reason for him to react way he did about phone messages if he can't do right by you after all this time.

[Marj03]

I haven't had that dating app for so long, I already deleted that app since.. its the old text messages that he saw. He open every app and whenever he see a guys name even my friends and cousins name he will ask who are they. And I never touch his fone..when I asked him why I can't..it seems he didn't hear what I said.

With the exclusivity, I only asked him if he's seeing other girl..he said no and he's just sticking to me. But whenever I asked him what are we? If we're moving forward..his answers are always vague. He never call me his girlfriend even once. So I don't know where to put myself. And I'm surprised when he reacted that way bcoz looks like he doesn't care that much to me bcoz of all the things that happened between the 2 us.. we're not official..Im only waiting for his confirmation..bcoz I don't want to assume things unless being talk about or stated. I just really feel down right now and don't know what to do.. I miss him 😔