girlfriend keeps breaking up every month and gets back

[nickandre21]

hi,
well this may be long.
I have been dating this girl for the past 8 months, from the beginning i felt very different about her and felt great being with her, things were going great. Shes had a bad past with her ex of a few years so with that I have been understanding and keeping calm whenever she fights. From what i could feel I could feel she loved me alot and saw me as her future husband.
However we did have a few arguements which got resolved in an hour or so, basically it was about me being busy while she was on her periods one time, or a comment on girls pictures months before we met, she would usually speak of break up but then be fine. two months into it and one day she tells me she does not want to be in a relationship, does not feel the way she did for her ex, does not want to kiss or make out even though she would be the one who initiates sexting all the time. I tried to explain things to her because at that time she was away in another country for 2 months, but it did contradict everything she told me before she went away.The next day she was back talking like nothing ever happened. 2 weeks later she did the same but apologized and came around a few hours later, i tried my best to talk to her about it and to not worry I am here to help you out of your past. A few days later she saw me like food pictures uploaded by a girl and went on blasting me telling me how i broke her and that we are over and can't be together and blocked me of, only to be back a few hours later.
few weeks later she started with she does not want to be in a relationship pretty much the same stuff she did before and i told her i cannot force you to stay. She was back the next day like nothing ever happened. But did not speak much till she was back where she said she does not want to date since i am not a gentleman and did not treat her how a princess should be and neither did i get her a gift for her birthday even thoough i was in a financial crisis, she further went on to say that a gentleman wont reveal his crisis and will arrange money to take his girl out and get her a gift, she ended it again and said we will be friends, i said ok. The next day she was back again that she misses me and continued with it for a week wanting to know who i was meeting till she got angry that i have not come to meet her since she was back in the country.
We planned out a long drive and things were going good till she started crying about her ex in my car saying she cant move on and can never and then a few minutes later shes going on about how amazing i am and thank you for being with me.
Then again another fight and then back again a few hours later, in all these fights she has been pretty abusive and if i tell her what i do not like she goes on that i am complaining about her and putting the attention on me. This went on few times and one time i was late by five minutes due to traffic and she went on abusing me till she saw my car where she started smiling.
Recently again she did the break up thing and everything from what she said her replies etc are the same like the previous times, if i do try to explain she will say lets be mature, lets think about this practically, lets not make a big deal of this, its simple. followed by i love talking to you you are precious.
many times when she would fight she would keep telling me that she will go date other guys who will show her what a princess should be treated like.
I have not texted her back or initiated any conversation post the recent break up.
Please advice me what to do further or should i be there to help her out.

[omgtotallyxo]

Continue going out with her if you like drama queens.

[pcmaster]

She needs a doctor not a boyfriend. And you do right by not going back t her this time. She was gaslighting - google it. Besides they way you describe her actions she seems like complete rubbish. There are easier girls out there.

[Hooo!]

What do you want?

[WillowFlower]

Personally, I would dump her. She sounds as if she has a lot of issues she needs to work out and will only drag you down with her. She needs to work on herself.

[nickandre21]

well all the time after every arguement she had made me feel guilty for things i never did wrong, however that time i did not realize it, i used to feel like im ruining stuff. However now im succeeding at not feeling guilty. She did ask me to be friends atleast till we move on and i haven't gotten back to her on that yet. She has an ex who threatens her and has morphed her pictures she expects me to file a complaint when i can't she stated that all her problems in life are caused by me including the ex who saw us dating after i uploaded our pics to instagram(which she asked me to) anyway im done with this.
If she does change i may reconsider but i am doubtful she would without changing me.

[nickandre21]

update: so she wanted to speak. She blamed me saying ive forced her to come back and made her stay when she never wanted this relationship since long ago. when i confronted her stating how she on her own came back, and that she stated that shes sorry for hurting me, that shes falling hard for me, and tried to push me away to avoid getting hurt, she stated that i am making my own events now.
anyway i sucessfully managed not giving into her, or being made to feel guilty about anything. She kept going on that we should be friends but i stated i cant be.

[rsahelper]

Hello there, Nick.

A colleague of mine suggested going through this and another website as we're both in the domain of Relationship Counseling at Relate, UK. While going through some of the content posted here, I chanced upon your post about how your girlfriend breaks up repeatedly and then gets back each month. As this is a very common question asked in real life, I decided to give your post a read and thought I'd talk to you – personally – about what's happening and how you can get help.

It appears to me that you have mentioned only the negative characteristics about this girl and her character/behaviour but it is a natural thing to do in counseling, so no harm done on that point. However, from what you have mentioned, it does look like along with the positive things, there are a lot of negative things – something which you should be able to recognize in people, try to help and if they do not accept it, leave the matter at that and not force it further. This will leave a black spot on you. I, however, appreciate the fact that you've tried to help her, though,

I've noticed one thing here, it does not look like there is a lot of love, but just a lot of lust – not sure if it is from you, or her. This is purely my opinion and not assuming things here. Let me know if that is true. I've gathered this information when you mentioned that she's usually the one initiating sexting, and other such things. Was there some problem with the sex? Did it not go well? I understand these are very personal questions and shouldn't be asked, however, as someone who's willing to offer you help, I'm doing so. You're at will to not reply to them. However, if you please, answer me and I'll help you out completely.

Now, we've come across this kind of an issue in a relationship on many, many incidents here, at Relate. I'm not sure if you've heard of us, but we're a counseling based community based in the UK.

On one such occasion, a patient who was consulting me told me that he silently went to the girl's ex boyfriend without her knowledge, spoke to him about how he can help her out but and he managed to provide him some advice. Now I can't guarantee that all ex boyfriends can be the same, so this is something I'd not suggest. Another patient who was actually successful in making progress had mentioned that he tried to help her out, who was in a similar situation as your partner, and then when he felt it was not working at all decided to leave her as silently as he got into her life. He said she had tried to call and/or text him on several occasions, but he gave it a blind eye by blocking her on social media as well as tackle the calling/texting issue by changing his number, too, as he knew for sure that this was just going to be a vicious cycle for him and her and this will only damage both of them and the relationship greatly. This is, of course, very doable and I'd suggest something like this if you can, too.

This patient reminded me of you as he was a dear one and hence I decided to message you right now. He lost his sleep initially and to encounter that, he started drinking every night until it became an addiction and later continued into the world of smoking cigarettes and consuming recreational drugs, too. When he got hospitalized one afternoon, he realized that it is getting too much and joined a rehab where he struggled for a year! Later on, he had the same sleeping problem so he started taking a sleeping pill available commonly here called Nytol which is in reality a really mild sedative. When he visited doctors, they refused to prescribe him sleeping pills as prescribing the wrong/unnecessary pill here can lead a medical professional in a huge deal of legal trouble. When he couldn't get the pills which he wanted, he started stealing things and became a low level kleptomaniac, which made him steal things which he could even afford. After getting caught by a blue hat, he was in custody for a month or so for this felony and had to shell out more than what he could afford. Finally when his family was informed, he was taken home where he was take very good care of and after years of suffering, he finally managed to have a normal life and visits us on a monthly basis for general observation and sharing his day to day life. Now I wouldn't want you to go through something like that, Nick.

Anyway, from what you've mentioned about this girl, a true psychological background (as per my understanding and experience) would be that this girl has not really matured beyond her real age. Cases I've seen are generally when this kind of a person has not learnt to take responsibility or relied too much on someone or something or purely something wrong at a psychological level which can mean danger. Is she like this with friends and family as well? Or is it just you? If it is just you, I'd highly suggest doing what my patient did (in the second example that I shared). Maybe, additionally, to make sure she too is safe without you being present, ask her to go to her ex boyfriend whom she so dearly praises – something which should be never done in a relationship. Most of the cases I've handled, the one's who involve an ex boyfriend/girlfriend or their stories in a new relationship are always going to compare. Be it with you or anyone else, and it will never stop unless and until the ex boyfriend/girlfriend actually does talk and sort this out. This, although is a wrong thing to do, usually happens in relationships which broke off without general closure or misunderstanding.

Anyway Nick, I'd like to take off from work as it's taken quite some time in composing this from work. If you feel like, please answer to my questions and let's see if this can be solved.

Remember Nick, a person who doesn't understand another person in a relationship is normally the one at fault. I'm very happy that you've tried to help her and when it failed, you realized and asked for help.

Have a safe day, Nick. Hope to see your response sooner or later. Also, please do remember that whatever predictions/assumptions I've made here are only based on my opinion and I'm not saying that you or her or are wrong based on just seeing things that I'm reading.

Warm regards and compliments,
Kim