I messed up real bad

[elisemies]

So... I need help.

This story starts, like they all do, with a girl and a boy.

I met N a year ago. He was handsome, charming, ambitious, funny and so smart. He blew me away from the very start. He was so many of the things I wanted to be: driven, passionate, compassionate, generous, succesful... we fell for eachother right away.

It's ironic how sometimes what attracts you to one another ends up being what frustrates you most about the other person.

I am 8 years younger than N, kind of dorky, the creative type working at her first job with a low salary in NYC, scattered and not a great communicator. I suffer with anxiety and have low self confidence. N is more of a no-nonsense, proactive and focused person. I f there's a problem, he'd solve it.

So after a short while, we started having out first issues, mainly due do bad communication -on my hand. And then the relationship started feeling unbalanced, because N makes way more money than I do and would take us to expensive places and I never felt like I could chip in much. now, focus on FELT; N never expected me to pay for extravagant dining out, but I didn't much else to help him out, excluding a few home cooked meals, traveling constantly to his place and giving him massages. I guess that, while I never asked or needed any of the things he offered and handed out so generously, I did take and get comfortable with taking, and in a way I guess I was taking advantage of the situation.

It's shameful for me to admit that, especially when I knew that he also had a lot of student debt, but there's no denying I did that. I can't take it back, no matter how much I would like for that to be possible.

N instead does have a temper and could be brutally honest to the point of rudeness, and I didn't know how to handle that either.

After an argument, we would come back together with every intention of improving and making it work. I believe that honestly, from both sides.

And then there's another issue: N wanted an organized life, where he could make actual plans together and help each other out. Not OCD organized, but definitely more than I was accustomed to. This was undoubtedly one of the things that would frustrate him the most, and I guess in the end my little adjustments would have never been enough. In a way, I guess that was very selfish.

I wish this had been it. But of course, it isn't.

A week ago, things escalated. I didn't make plans for my birthday / our first anniversary trip together, and he became extremely frustrated because of it. It's true that I had been, and still am, super busy for a few project deadlines in this month but truth be told I completely forgot. And he was hurt as a result. So while that week he still tried to be supportive of me being at work, I could tell that he was more distant and contacting me way less. I told him that he was right to be frustrated, but I didn't exactly solve the problem or give him options. I recommended that he go see his friend in RI, but when he did and kind of disappeared, I got really anxious and did something really stupid. Out of nowhere, I convinced myself he wasn't actually gone but at his place, cheating on me, and I went to check. I got into his place (he gave me a key) and checked his computer for emails of his ex. When I found them I accused him (via text, on his first day of holiday in MONTHS) of still seeing her when we started dating. Of course, it turned out not be true, but it doesn't change the fact that I violated his trust and his privacy. I don't even know why, I've never been the jealous type and ave always been respectful of the people I was with. Never doubted N before either... I don't know what came over me.

But I can't make excuses for myself. What I did was wrong and it's obvious that he would be upset.

Weirdly enough, he was more upset about the fact that I didn't care enough about the fact that it was one of his few days off from work, and my snooping kind of took the second seat, but still....

our relationship is now on the ropes. we still love eachother and N now says that he thinks we're just hurting one another and that we can't change how things are, that we are "on a broken car". In a way, a part of me does believe that he deserves better, and that he's totally right for being mad and not knowing if its worth giving it another try.

On the other hand, prhaps more selfishly, I love him and I can't let go.I always thought he was my best friend, the person I wanted to grow old with and I really think I can change. Not just for him, truly, but also because being a disorganized mess and a poor communicator and not things I want to be stuck with and it's about time I grow up and become an adult.

It is my birthday today and he still said he would see me for dinner, which is more than I deserve.

What do I do? What are your thought?

I can't lose him...

[elisemies]

N met me for my birthday dinner and told me that he doesn't know how we could salvage our relationship.

He said we could try a relationship break so I can grow and try to get over my issues, we could break up and just be friends, or just break up, but also didn't say a complete no to trying again. He said that the water is too muddy to know what the right thing to do is at this point.

Please help me out... I'm devastated.

[Hooo!]

Let us say you both stay together: how exactly and in all details do you want your relationship to be?

[elisemies]

I'd like for things to feel more balanced, for N as well.

I'd learn to become a good planner, so we can go on the trips we both want to go on and I can stop procrastinating.

I'd like for us to feel like we're both contributing equally, though perhaps in different areas. For him not to feel taken advantage of and really feel like we're a team.

I'd want our communication to improve in general; I'd want us to be able to openly explain to the other what we need and want from the other, and have a conversation about how we can be there for each other.

Eventually, I'd want us to move in together, as we had discussed in the past (supposedly October but later would probably work to).

We'd both be able to be independent, go see our friends but see each other weekly and organize one fun date a week.

Once we had our own place, I'd be able to cook for him more often and we could have friends over for dinner which I know is something he'd also really like to do.

I have started (today, actually) doing online therapy... it's the only one I can afford at the moment, but hopefully I can grow as an individual and get over the issues -focus on low self esteem- that have landed us into trouble before.

I would need from him to get a hold on his temper, but I did feel like that had been improving lately so I trust that over time it would improve as well.

And then... he's an amazing, thoughtful, caring man... I couldn't ask for anything more.

[Hooo!]

Have you told him exactly this?
What steps are you and what steps is he and which steps are you both taking together to achieve this?
Are this things he can agree on?

[elisemies]

He came to my place last night and broke up with me. He said he still loves me and that he just doesn't believe we can get out of our pattern. It didn't matter what I said to him, he already had made up his mind and I couldn't fight for both of us. He said he thought it would be best for us if we didn't talk or see each other again.

It was one of the most painful experiences of my life, literally watching him walk away from me until I couldn't make out his figure on the street anymore.

And now I wonder whether his feelings for me ever really were there in the first place. It's hard to believe how you can say you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and have your children with them to backtrack and break up only a month later.

Anyways, he called and texted me only hours later to say that it was important to be kind and sensitive to one another in this process, basically going back on the whole no talking and no seeing each other thing.

But perhaps the best thing for me is to act like he died with our relationship so I can mourn the whole thing without staying in contact with him and consequently hoping he might change his mind.

[elisemies]

Today he texted me again, saying he'd like to meet me for lunch, that he is devastated and couldn't go to work because of it.

I told him that I can't today, that I'm trying to keep it together myself and it was hard for me not to be angry. He decided this! He told me no more talking or seeing each other, and in less than one day he changed his mind. What else could he possibly have to say?

At this point, what could we possibly do or say? I obviously I hope he'd want to take everything back and give it another try when he reaches out to me, but can't put any more hope into this. It feels so cruel.

Shouldn't we at least give it some time? I don't know, I kind of feel like he's toying with me.

[elisemies]

So, little update.

N got back in contact, basically saying that his feelings for me have not changed and that he doesn't know whether he is making the right decision but that he just wants the conflict to end.

He also texted me to say that I'm his best friend and that he has never felt so close to anyone as he does with me. I answered that it's a difficult situation and that perhaps taking some time off to think about things before talking again would be constructive.

The next day N's grandmother died, and it didn't feel right for me to just vanish and not be there for him, but maybe me being there for him just allows him to take me for granted.

I don't know any more. I'm so confused. What should I do? Let him go and move forward, since he broke up with me anyways, or allow for him to have some time to clear his head?

[Hooo!]

You are thinking in a negative pattern

To me really you are both fine.
This may sound weird to you because everything seems so bad.
However my outside perspective is this: you have encountered difficulties in your relationship. This happens you came to a point where you both did not know how to handle those difficulties. This leads to acting shit and being hurt in the end.
And this too happens
You also have realized however shit it is you both love each other still and really just want what you described above.

There are some important steps now
Forgive each other for hurting yourselves
Forgive yourselves for hurting the other
Understanding of how you want your relationship to become in the future
Sharing outlooks time and feelings
Learn what each of you did wrong up until now
Change for the better
Love

You can do it if you decide it.

[elisemies]

You are thinking in a negative pattern

To me really you are both fine.
This may sound weird to you because everything seems so bad.
However my outside perspective is this: you have encountered difficulties in your relationship. This happens you came to a point where you both did not know how to handle those difficulties. This leads to acting shit and being hurt in the end.
And this too happens
You also have realized however shit it is you both love each other still and really just want what you described above.

There are some important steps now
Forgive each other for hurting yourselves
Forgive yourselves for hurting the other
Understanding of how you want your relationship to become in the future
Sharing outlooks time and feelings
Learn what each of you did wrong up until now
Change for the better
Love

You can do it if you decide it.

Hey,

thank you for your answer. Your positive approach gives me hope.

It's been a tough week and N has been going through a horrible moment, with his job being very busy, his grandma died on tuesday, his best friend had to go back to a mental hospital on top of him thinking our relationship couldn't be saved.

So while I agree with you and tried to explain to him positively that conflict always happens within relationships and that we only need to learn how to handle it better and mature as individuals, he seems to be so overwhelmed by everything that is happening that he can't think clearly or give me an answer. I understand where he is coming from and regardless of the fact he broke up with me I'd really want to be there for him during this hard moment. At the same time, I think it probably wouldn't be too good to force myself back into his life if what he needs is space.

So what I've been doing is staying in the sidelines and kind of waiting for him to reach out when he has cleared his head, but obviously that hasn't happened yet.

I told him that if he wanted me to move on he should just tell me and I would understand, but he hasn't done that either.

I'm kind of in limbo, but would be happy to wait if it meant we could get back together again after...

Do you think I should reach out more to tell him where I stand once again or just let him be and let him decide if he wants me back?

[Hooo!]

What exactly could be the negative consequences in reaching out to him?