Don't know what to do...

[prettyskittle]

Sorry for length of post...
Need some advice or just to vent. I work with a guy who around 2/3 years ago we kissed on a night out and had been texting each other & he clearly wanted it to develop, a number of things fed into this but it just wasn't the right time for me. We didn't really speak for a while and for the last 2 years he so he's been in a relationship with someone & we've just got on with it at work, no animosity it's been fine. About 2 weeks ago we randomly started messaging again & he told me how unhappy he's been with her for months & has been trying to leave, it's just been complicated as he had nowhere to go & she's got a child from a previous relationship, he messaged me one day saying how unhappy he was and he's told her and she told him to leave then. So he's been at his mums and we've messaged but once I knew he'd left we decided to meet up and go watch a game of footy. We had a great time and he did kiss me goodbye, I was so happy! We've met up twice in total and the second time did have a few kisses and a fumble in the car, which is unlike me but I knew I had feelings for him & he had been there for some family issues this week which was so great.

Today i knew he was collecting his stuff from hers and moving in with a friend and we were meant to be going for a drink tonight, however I got a message from his ex saying enjoy my seconds, he's been coming home and ****ing me etc which has totally hurt me. I had it out with him and he said he did sleep with her, and wishes he could turn back time.

I just dont know what to think as I know we weren't together or anything like that, but we were both honest with how we felt with each other this time round and I do believe what he said to me and don't think he meant to hurt me. I just feel hurt naturally but also a bit stupid reacting like this as we aren't actually together, I guess I was really excited about where this could go & just don't know what to think.

I think some things she was saying to me were to hurt me as she's obviously hurt by their split but it was obvious something wasn't right and he's been unhappy since before xmas.

Mostly needed to vent but have no idea what to do??

its so hard as I really think we'd be great together, we have a connection and so much in common.

any advice??

[Hooo!]

So you have a great time together and the bitter ex is telling stuff
And you don't know what to do anymore?

Does this sound to you as it sounds to me?

Also if you don't know what to do then: what do you want to do?

[prettyskittle]

Thank you for your reply.

How does it sound to you?

I want things to carry on as they were & hopefully things develop between us, but naturally I'm worried he could go back to her at any time.

[Hooo!]

It sounds very stupid to me. Sorry. But if you listen to the bitter ex ...

Back to topic:
Have you told him that exactly?

[TheEvilJester]

I mean, on the surface I guess nothing was necessarily done wrong on his side. I mean, you seem to be saying you two were not officially together or anything like that. So, in other words, you were basically just "dating," if even that. At that stage you aren't exclusive, so it shouldn't really matter if he's seeing other people or not, even if he may be engaging in sexual activity with any of them.

.....BUT, at the same time, this wasn't just anybody. This was his ex who you were under the impression he was over. You were given the impression he was done with her. I suspect that is even part of what led you two to get together, as obviously you probably wouldn't have otherwise. So it is absolutely understandable if you feel hurt and/or betrayed over this.

He didn't do anything wrong per se (unless he deliberately misled you), but that doesn't necessarily mean you HAVE to be okay with it. So, I guess the first question is whether or not you can be okay with it and look past it. Whether you can or cannot, I think your next step is to talk to him.... though only once you've been able to cool down as when you are upset about the situation is certainly not the best time to talk about it.

Sometimes break-ups take time to really stick. So, if that is not something you want to be in the middle of you would be perfectly within your rights to just respectfully tell him that. Just tell him that you understand he didn't intend this to happen, but that you just aren't willing to get into anything with somebody who is still dealing with a breakup. That, if and when he is 100% finished with that, if he still wants he can reach out to you then and maybe you two could revisit things.

On the other hand, if you feel okay with being with him now because you are pretty sure they are over even if it will take them a little while to finalize things for sure, then that is certainly up to you as well. Then you just may need to be patient for a little while and know that things may be a little complicated here and there, but it should eventually be resolved. I mean, that wouldn't be my advice personally because I generally suggest people need to get their head clear from one relationship ending before they start another. He sounds super unhappy with her, so I'd hope he would end it once and for all... but you really never known. Sometimes people say things like that and yet it still takes them a while to actually break up. So, you never know. He may tell you he's completely over her but then wind up going back to her in the end.

You have to do what is right for you, though. So, if you do want to stick with him and hope for the best, then at least do so with an understanding of how complicated those situations CAN be. Protect yourself a little, in other words, so if it doesn't work out between you two it at least doesn't hurt as much because you somewhat knew that could happen.

Good luck to you either way.