In Love

[Jane99]

Hi everyone ☺ so I'm in a terribly exhausting situation. I started a new job about 4 months ago and I've totally fallen in love with a guy that sits nearby in the office. I've fancied him since I first started, and everyone knows except him. I've only recently started talking to him on a daily basis, we're quite friendly now but I'm too afraid to say anything about how I feel. If I say something, he might say he doesn't feel the same way. Then everyday I'll have to face him and it would be so awkward. But I'm so tired of dreaming about him only for it all to be in my head. I was too shy to talk to him on the work night out. What do I do?!? Thank you everyone ☺

[TheEvilJester]

Generally it isn't the best idea to date somebody from work. That can be for a number of reasons, one of the biggest being what you already cited. If it doesn't go well, it can be awkward to still see them at work all the time. So, as a general rule of thumb, it is best not to date somebody from work.

.....BUT.....

At least in my personal opinion, that is more of a guideline than a rule. It is BEST not to date somebody from work. But, as adults, sometimes we don't have much opportunity to meet people other than at work. I mean, speaking personally.... I don't drink, so I am not much into partying/going to bars/stuff like that. I graduated college a while ago and, though I do consider getting more schooling and maybe even my Masters, a lot of that would probably be online. It would also probably have to be WHILE also having a job, so that wouldn't leave me much time for dating anyway. Not to mention, I have no immediate plans of that anyway, it's just a maybe some day sort of thing.

Anyway, my point being, where exactly else am I supposed to meet anybody? So, though it is BEST not to date somebody from work, I don't personally think it is always something you must avoid like the plague. So, I think if you feel this strongly about your crush for him, maybe you should just ask him out. Do you two work in the same department? Do you report to him in any way or he to you?

If he's your boss/you are his boss, then that is also a situation where you probably shouldn't proceed. Another question... Say you do ask him out and he isn't interested.... or you two do start dating but later it doesn't end well..... are there any ways you could maybe transfer to another department or a different office within your company or something? In other words, my point just being, worst case scenario, are there possible solutions to remove the awkwardness of having to see him if things do not end well?

If you COULD conceivably find a simple solution to not have to see him all the time in the event of that worst case scenario, then that is also another reason to just go ahead and go for it. Because, then maybe something great will happen between you two and then you'd be kicking yourself for even thinking of not trying..... Or maybe it won't go well, but you'll have a sort of "escape plan" anyway in case that happens.

In truth, if you ask him out and it doesn't go over well, sure that will be awkward at first, but that awkwardness will fade in time. In general, I think it is usually better to find out by trying rather than to be left always wondering what if. So, it would at least be my personal advice to give it a shot if you really like him this much. Even if it doesn't go well, you'd be better off knowing rather than wondering. But, maybe it WOULD go well.

Good luck to you either way.

P.S.

I also forgot to mention, I definitely do not suggest saying anything to him about being "in love" with him. I know how you feel, believe me... but in truth you can't really be "in love" with somebody until you've actually been in a relationship with them. You can certainly feel that way, but it is really more of a crush than anything. It's okay to feel that way (you can't really help that) but you also need to engage your intellectual side enough to realize that there is still the chance he'd prove not to be who you think he is if you two actually did date. So, if you did get a chance to ask him out, I would personally suggest you do just that. In other words, ask him out on a date.... don't confess your love to him or anything like that.

[GLYC]

Honestly, it's not that bad facing rejection with somebody you see regularly. I asked out one of the women from my college program last week, I kept it direct, short, confident and simple. I got a wishy washy answer so I told her just to let me know if she changed her mind.

Went something like this over the phone. "Hey, what are you up to? Say, we should totally get together for drinks sometime next week. Alright, well if you change your mind just give me a call or shoot me a text! Later"

I pass by her at the schools gym and in the hallways all the time, we both smile at each other and exchange a sentence or greeting everytime. Truthfully, its only awkward if you make it awkward. If I kept pursuing things with this woman when she isnt interested, yeah, awkward. If I suddenly started acting mad, asking devastated, purposely avoiding her then it would be awkward. But for example, ironically after calling her, the next day when I went to workout, it was just me and her in the gym with one other guy for an hour. Out of 130 students in the program, like whaaaat. I actually just waved to her and laughed about it.

If anything, I think she respects me more for just throwing things out there right away and being clear about things. A lot of people are terrified of facing rejection. When you can face rejection with a take it or leave it attitude with no cares about the result, example, you would love to go out with them but if they don't want to, hey that's fine too. Handling Rejection like that just becomes a strength of your personality.

Like [MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION] said, dont profess your feelings and keep in mind that if things do come about it and then things end, it could become serious drama down the road which is an unfortunate possibility.

I think you should just tell him that you would really like it if he asked you out sometime, or else, just give him your phone number, every guy knows what that means.
I've had women do that before, and had women email me and directly give me their number before at a workplace, it felt awesome. Even in a case where I wasnt romantically interested, I still felt like that.

[lovemenot]

I'd suggest to just ask him out.

I was in a similar situation once. Was seeing a guy for a while, but very casually, and later of course I fell for him. And then I kept wondering all the time if he feels the same way and what if...and what if.... and kept dreaming about him and over- analyzing every little thing he said or did to try and figure out how he feels...
But then eventually I got all my courage and told him how I felt. I didn't say I was in love with him or anything, just said that I fancy him and would like us to take the next step or something along those lines.
He didn't feel the same way and rejected me. Was painful as hell, but I never regretted it. At least I knew then for sure and could move on and stop wasting my time and driving myself insane daydreaming about him.

So my point is, it is always better to try and know for sure. Whatever the outcome might be. In the long run you will thank yourself even if his answer isn't what you wish for.

[Jane99]

Thanks for your help on this one guys. It is driving me insane daydreaming about what could be and I couldn't take the heartache if he rejected me. Sounds silly but that's just how I am! We are friends on social media and we'd text the odd time, anything we say to each other is small talk. Our work environment is very fun and everyone is friends so all of my team know I like him, except him. He sits near enough to me, so I only come face to face with him on the stairs or in the canteen passing by. I sometimes go over with questions to him and in turns into a friendly conversation. I just don't know if I should say anything be because I'm such an awkward person anyway. So it's like we're friends, who work on the same floor. I don't want to appear too desperate if I keep asking him questions and I have no self confidence so I feel like I'm annoying him.

[lovemenot]

if you are too shy to ask him out directly, you can try to organize some sort of work party so everyone comes and get a bit drunk get him a little tipsy too and ask him out then.
Say something along the lines of "you know, we should grab some drinks just the two of us sometime " ... casually sort of joking but also clearly.
then see how he reacts and if it's not what you expect you can always just blame it all on alcohol later and minimize any possible awkwardness afterwards and just laugh about it.

[sheaintme]

Hi "In love" I would start communicating with him beyond "hi" & you can start with "how long have you been with the company" if that goes well start to ask more personal questions like "so what do you do when your not here"...ect. He will probably get the clue that you may be flirting with him & ask for your information. If he's still not "getting it" ask if he's seeing anyone & let him know your interested in getting to know him. Ask him "Is it possible that we can get a bite to eat / get ice cream or coffee" I've always had success in the honest route & don't be afraid of his answer. At this point he will either basically say yes/no, then you will have your puzzle solved. What ever you do, DONT do nothing because if he's attractive, another female will come on to him & if she beats you to the punch you will feel worse. So just be natural & casual about it. Hope this helps out*

[Jane99]

So I was talking to him today, very casual and very friendly. So now it feels like we are great friends and saying something about how I feel would ruin that. He also told me he's on a dating app. I feel like I really need to do something, but the friendlier we get, the weirder it would be

[sheaintme]

So I was talking to him today, very casual and very friendly. So now it feels like we are great friends and saying something about how I feel would ruin that. He also told me he's on a dating app. I feel like I really need to do something, but the friendlier we get, the weirder it would be

If your comfortable "warming up to him" continue as long as your moving forward. You don't have to be abrupt by asking him out or getting to know him on a personal note. You can keep it casual & say something like, "your pretty cool & it would be nice to hang out, when we get off or this weekend" that way its smooth & you don't look like your strongly coming on to him. Its just a suggestion.... try it.

[Hooo!]

You don't even know the guy privately.
How about changing that?

[sheaintme]

How about Im NOT changing that. This is an opinion, she girl says she wants to get to know him on a more personal level. If she don't make her move then she will never know if things will change. YOU don't have to take the advice but don't criticize me for giving her "what she asked for"

[Hooo!]

How about Im NOT changing that. This is an opinion, she girl says she wants to get to know him on a more personal level. If she don't make her move then she will never know if things will change. YOU don't have to take the advice but don't criticize me for giving her "what she asked for"

you misunderstood me. I asked if there is a special reason for the original poster not to have gone to know him more privately.
i didnt even speak to you, yet criticize you in any way.

[TheEvilJester]

So I was talking to him today, very casual and very friendly. So now it feels like we are great friends and saying something about how I feel would ruin that. He also told me he's on a dating app. I feel like I really need to do something, but the friendlier we get, the weirder it would be

...Wait, so he told you he's on a dating app. Do you know what that suggests? That suggests he is probably not in a relationship right now. So, there's your green flag if you were looking for one. As him out. You say it seems like you two are great friends and you don't want to ruin that. Believe me, I understand that. I'm not trying to criticize you. ....But, the thing is, isn't what you really want is a chance to be more than friends with him? So, honestly, I think the possibility of it ruining the friendship you two have is a risk worth taking.

First off, even if you ask him out and it turns out he's not interested, that doesn't automatically mean it will ruin the friendship. It could, but it isn't a foregone conclusion. Frankly, if somebody asked me out but I only thought of her as a friend, I'd be super flattered, but just honest with her. And, as long as it didn't make her feel awkward, I'd be fine remaining friends. But, on the other hand.... what if you ask him out and he actually IS interested as well? Give yourself a chance! You deserve it.

If you are too shy and/or uncertain to be so direct about it, I do think sheaintme's approach sounds pretty good. That way, the implication is pretty darn obvious.... but without you actually just coming right out and saying it. Either way, I think you deserve to at least give it a chance. Take it from a guy with a life long history of convincing himself it wasn't worth it to try. That's not fun. Give it a shot. Hopefully it goes well, but if not it will suck for a bit, but you'll see you will move past it. Probably faster than you think. And, the fact that you actually went for it will help you in the future to be able to do that again if you need... until eventually you will find somebody who is just as interested in you. Or, maybe you will find a special guy who won't even give you the chance to ask him out.... because he'll be eager to ask YOU. Good luck to you!

[Jane99]

Thanks for your help on this guys. I really appreciate it. Today, I text him and said if he had any luck on the dating app, in a jokey way. And that he could go on a date with me anytime, again in a jokey way. He replied saying he didn't want to mix business with pleasure, with laughy faces at the end. Now I'm wondering, what does that mean? And I'm really on the verge of just saying that I like him now cos I'm tired of thinking what if.

[GLYC]

I'm guessing he's not interested, or else he really just means that he doesn't want to mix dating with work (which can be smart).