Someone, please help me...I'm dying inside

[lovemenot]

I've written already several posts about my problems with this man, but now I think I really need some help - I feel I am losing him for good. And it's the most painful thing I have ever to endure, I have been hurt before but nothing even comes close to this horrible feeling of emptiness and abandonment and betrayal I feel now..I don't even want to get up in the morning though I can barely sleep at night and I don't wanna eat or do anything I used to enjoy before... And I need to study a lot atm, but I can't focus at all...

we met, fell crazy in love with each other, then he left me after 6 weeks. But said he still wants to stay friends. so we stayed friends (for like 3 months now) and we used to hang out all the time every day together studying and finding event to go to together and we always had the best time with each other and kept texting each other constantly if we weren't together...and it was all the time very friendly and even flirty most of the time and he initiated most of it always. And then it all got complicated when we started having sex again. And after few times I told him that I definitely can't do that anymore cause it brings back to many feelings and I don't want to just be a toy for the summer...

So ever since then our communication totally changed. He became distant and much colder. There is no flirting left and everything seems to be so formal now...And most of the time I am the one texting him and he only responds rather formally and it's mostly about studying and whenever I ask something personal he gets defensive and changes the subject... I feel like this is it. The end. And before he used to always initiate spending time together: asked me to go study together, find us events to go to together or just go out to eat together and stuff... And now it's almost as if he's avoiding me... I am dying inside.

And all this time while we stayed friends I still had deep feelings for him, and I still do (and he said several times he still has feelings for me too) and I kept all the time hoping we would get back together and I still hope for that. But it just feels like it's slipping away and I feel miserably ....

The only thing that comes to my mind is the obvious: he only hung out with me for sex. Cause almost imediately after I told him we definitely have to stop this all started happening. I can't believe I was such an idiot to believe what he's told me and to let him string me along for so long and to let him treat me this way ... I feel so betrayed and such a fool and I am so hurt... And the most painful is that I still love him and I would still do anything to get him back..

I am totally obsesssing over his posts in social media, I am checking his ex's profile too and even his ex's friends profiles looking for clues if maybe they are getting back together... I am in a total rut ... and I can't even see the light anymore....

Please someone help me please... I have been crying for the last few days for him... And I can barely control myself not to write all this to him, cause I know that would definitely ruin anything we might have left...

And the worst part is I keep remembering how happy I was with him (like I've never been before) and how deeply I fell for him and that the feelings I felt for him (and still feel) I have never felt for anyone before...It was all just perfect bilss. And I feel like I can probably never feel this way again... Just kill me now.

And we had a real connection and were really getting a long great and I considered him a friend. So it pains me even double now, because I am not only loosing the greatest love of my life but a great friend too... I haven't seen him for 5 days already and it's the longest we havn't seen each other and I miss him so much... And I am afraid that when our school ends (in 4 weeks) I will never even see him again...

And it feels like he just used me for my company and later ocasionaly for sex too, because we study together and there wasn't anyone else in the group he would enjoy spending time with and could connect to. And it was just very convienient for him to have me around... and it was a difficult time in his life and now it feels like he's becoming happier and free again and moving on and just leaving me behind..I feel so used... I hate him at the same time as I love him. And I hate myself even more, for letting him treat me like this

[WiltedRose]

Awww Darling I feel your pain you and you will get through this! But you must stop looking for him on social networking I know it's hard and you probably won't be able to but you are crucifying yourself plz try and stop go get help I was recently recommended on here to get help via 7 cups I have had a peak and I feel it may help you?'



You will get through this love promise ❤️

[lovemenot]

Thank you very much, I tried 7 cups but it seems too complicated to log in and create accounts...just can't handle that at the moment...

I wish this pain would just end... Or I could somehow turn back time and get back to that blissfull month with him and never leave..

I am at the point where I just burst into tears in public in the middle of a supermarket, remembering how we were there and bought coffee after school everyday and went for long long walks afterwards..

I remember I had a psychologist's email she once gave me and said I can email her about anything anytime I need it...I think I will maybe write to her...

I know that I am just hurting myself looking for him on social media, cause everytime I log in hoping to see messages from him and I dont see them, it's like a knife to my heart...and still I do that hundreds of times a day...

I am even considering getting back with my ex before I dated before this guy, just so I would have someone to hug me and wouldn't feel so alone... but I know it wouldn't be fair to him...

And I really tried to be a good friend to him when he wanted to just stay friends, because it was easier that way for him. So I swollowed my feelings and just been there for him. Stuck by him through his most difficult times and now once he's better seems like he doesn't need me anymore, and now I am in pain and he just seems happy moving on and leaving me suffer alone...doesn't even seem to care anymore..

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Do you think I should talk to him about this and ask what's going on and tell him how I feel?
Hoping of course he would say something totally different than I am imagining....

Or should I just leave this alone and carry on with my misery?
And pretend like I am fine and that I don't care when I see him again. We now have a break from studies for two weeks (which I also feel he waited until now to get some distance, cause we don't have to see each other in class everyday, might just be a coincidence though...) but we still have 4 weeks left of school after that. ..and we of course sit together during every class.. And I am just afraid that when I finally see him all happy again and focused on studying I will just start crying uncontrolably...

[WiltedRose]

Yes sweetheart do message your psychologist and when you can focus more venture out to 7 cups where are your friends Hun can't you see more of them I know it's hard to push on but that's the way forward spend time doing things you do like watch comedies and eat chocolate ha and it's easy for me to say this and you prob won't listen but I wouldn't message him love even if you got together it won't get any better! Are you close to your mum? My daughter (16) had a similar experience and we got through it, do you have a pet? We have a dog we can cuddle up to and moan at ha but allow your self to cry don't beat yourself up. What your feeling is normal! And you sound very young you will probably have many boyfriends before you find your true love.

I'm going through heartbreak too and I'm much older then you, we will get through it hunny I promise things like this make us, just give yourself time big massive hugs xxx

[lovemenot]

Thank you so much for your kind words... i am not actually that young..I am 29..kind of feel ashamed I let myself wallow over such things at such age...
And about my mum, we are not that close sadly, which hurts me even more..every time I see her I have to put on this brave happy face and pretend I am alright...When in reality I just want to die...
And my sister lives in another country and I can't really go visit her cause I can't miss my studies.... And even my flat mate moved out and I just feel so alone...
And I used to share everything with this guy, all of my fears and dreams and thoughts on everything and he had become my closest friend...and now I can't even share anything with him...
And it's tough to even get out of the house cause it's such a nice summer and everyone seems so happy, like I used to be and there's some sort of music playing everywhere and it all reminds me of him...everything reminds me of him ...

Thank you so much for reading my story and replying so kindly. Makes me feel like at least someone cares.
The only thing I can still do is running, but since I can hardly eat and I run like 5-6 kilometers everyday I feel I am exhausting myself...

[WiltedRose]

I can totally relate to a lot of what your saying! I am so mad at myself also for getting into this state I'm 41 and have a family, I'm close to my family but they don't understand my mum just tells me to be British and move on get over it hahha I have lots of support but they can't fill this void he's left :'(


And as far as seeing someone else we have to let ourselves recover and start to value outselves again although I too don't hunk I'll ever find what I had with him the connection was immense!!

He's actually just drove past my workplace and waved I just brokedown!!! Then he messaged me saying. He waved and hope I'm ok grrrr I did respond by saying I'd brokedown and missed him immensely, he replied that he's been crying all morning and missed me too!!! He's not being very fair at all!! Xx

[lovemenot]

Oh but what happened with you two? Did he leave you? Why?

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Even though I am very sorry to hear that you are suffering like this too, I still am glad to have found someone who understands what it's like...

And this is so exhausting...and I can't care about anything else just keep thinking about him all the time...And my grandma is really sick and I can't even make myself to call her, cause I know she will ask me about how I am doing and how my love life is (the most important thing for her is me finding a bf..) and I would have to lie and pretend it's all good... And I am blaming myself for that..I should care about her, but instead all my time and energy is consumed by thinking about HIM...

He texted me today couple of times already...we chatted a bit, but it's all rather cold and formal and mostly about studies..and he uses these words now, that he never used before...like very unusual texting behavior (not sure I am explaining this right)...
It's all just so weird... All I want is for things to get back to how they used to be. At least be friends how we used to be...but just seems like he cares less and less...

But I just can't understand why is he still talking to me at all. He used to say that even though he still feels a lot for me, he just doesn't want any relationship at this point in his life (he really has a lot going on), and he used to always say things like "but we'll see what happens in the future" and give me hope ... but I just can't help but feel I am not good enough for him..And I keep constantly thinking what I might have done wrong while with him and I keep blaming myself for everything...

And he said he thought that maybe we should stop seeing each other and talking to each other at all, because it's just too difficult for both of us.
but after all he still wants to talk to me and spend time with me cause he still likes me and enjoys my company....
And I am just thinking why?
Maybe he just feels sorry for me and doesn't want to go cold turkey so he keeps little by little letting me go, so I don't feel as bad...But maybe this crazy mess is even worse...I can't stand not knowing what's going on with him...

And I know I will still have to see him, and I don't know if I should show him how I am feeling or do I just hide everything and pretend like I don't care and that I am ok. Even though obviously something is different between us. Should I just ask him about all this?

[pcmaster]

Your soul is not on easy journey here. But look for support at friends and relatives. Just one with who you can talk and share the pain can do magic.
What about that chatting site then you can also use it as quest without registering but how helpful it will be depends on luck, on listener who will chat with you. Just like here there are good members and members like me who are not the best yet.

Anyway at least you had sex with the guy. there are people out there who fall in love and havent even kissed yet they ruin their lives and do suicides because of unhappy love.

I cant imagine how you feel but they way you feel is one of the reasons Im still a virgin cause being careful with who to sleep with. Everyone wants to play love game but no one wants to lose.

I just hope you will come out stronger from this and wont become the one playing sex game like many do end up after finding out that their partners just wanted sex.
I know its hard and your heart is bleeding. But focus on things that makes you stronger. If you feel like you cant handle your mood and it affects your ability to function and take care of yourself then meds can give you boost you need to get out of this state.
Pain is temporary. This is the hardest part. After this it gets better.

[WiltedRose]

I'm at work Hun we'll speak soon.

Ps someone has come in my work place and stolen my purse haha you can't make this up grrrrr

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I would give him space love, harder said then done I'm trying the same thing! I even told him about my purse haha but let him miss you and reflect but it sounds like he doesn't know what he wants! He doesn't deserve you.

But like pcmaster above says I might not be the best person to advise you as I'm going through the same and know exactly how you feel xx

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My senario is we both fell very deeply but he has issues mainly him wanting a family of his own but I'm too scared and have enough on my plate already but god knows I'd love to make his dreams comes true! Xx

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I might have fabricated it a bit though I've told him they are holding me hostage and I need him to rescue me haha xx

[lovemenot]

thank's pcmaster for your advice too. And [MENTION=85848]WiltedRose[/MENTION] I think for the exact reason that yo are going through the same thing right now, you probaly are the best person to give me advice. And actually talking to you all day yesterday helped me a lot. And so sorry to hear about your purse! What the hell! Did you get it back? And how long has it been since you two broke up?

I think too I should give him space, but it's SOOOO HAAARDD!! I havn't seen him in almost 6 days already and it's the longest I ever spent without him...I miss him sooooo muuuuchhh....

My friend also gave me another advice, maybe it could help you too. Though maybe you aren't as obsessed as I am. Cause I can't stop obsessing over these horrible thoughts, that maybe he met someone else or maybe he's gonna get back together with his ex...or maybe he just got bored with me and doesn't even want to see me again....Or just remembering all the good parts and crying over those...

Anyways, he said it might be helpful to make sort of a mind map. Like just write down all the thoughts that are bothering me and write all the possible scenarios. For example: let's say he does get back with his ex. What would change then? How would I feel? What would I do? How would my life go on?... And all the possible outcomes of all situations to just get some clearity.

[WiltedRose]

Hey Hunny! I didn't get my purse back and the police are treating it as a burglary as they entered the property but at least I was unaware and didn't get hurt!

I am going through the same motions as you miss him terribly thinking he's going to get back with his ex, he was engaged to her and she could give him what I can't it devastates me!! We broke up over 5 weeks ago but have met up a few times and cried together and other stuff we had it so good I've never known anything like it and am not likely too again (he said the same!) but it's been 2 weeks tomorrow since we last Saw each other I miss him so much I keep bursting into tears, I feel for my poor girls seeing me like this! It's my eldest daughters prom on Friday I need to get a grip. But I have wrote things down and it has helped, I write the the bad things about him and how he made me feel sometimes. But it is getting easier I am getting longer spates of happiness with each and every day. It's worse on weekends because that's when we were together. So I'm trying to fill them up with my girls and my friends xx

[lovemenot]

sounds so much like me... I have never felt this way with anyone until I met him and it doesn't seem even possible to feel this way with someone else ever again.. That's the most devastating part.

And weekends are the worse for me too...
At least on weekdays I can go to a library to study, which we used to always do together, and planning on doing it again, but he just has other things to do these last few days...

And at least you have people to fill up your weekends with. My both flatmates are gone on vacation and I spent this entire last weekend totally alone at home just crying each day to my cat ...While HE took a trip to another country on the weekend to celebrate this traditional thing there with his old buddies. And his ex was there too. He used to live there with her like a year ago... It was devastating to just sit at home wondering what he's doing there... And that's actually when all my misery got way more intense...

And when I asked him about that weekend and how everything was. He got a bit defensive and changed the subject quickly. Though he said they were just interacting friendly with her and when I asked if he didn't start regretting leaving her, he said no but also said it's a weird question. Though he asked me the same thing when I met my ex for the first time after breaking up with him. (we both broke up with them around the same time..)...

But I am wondering now maybe this is all just in my paranoid head..we talked quite a while yesterday and it seemed better. Not flirting or anything, but friendlier again and not just about school stuff or studying...So I am thinking maybe it was all just getting too intense for him (we were really becoming like a couple, hanging out all the time and flirty vibes and all... even though we were supposed to just stay friends) so maybe he got a bit scared and pulled away a little needing some space... I guess I just have to wait and see what happens. But I clearly need to get my hopes and expectations lower and just stop thinking about it so much...

And at least you have daughters, I still think that having raised children should be amazing. And seeing them go to prom, I can't even imagine that. Seems like a whole other miracle world :] Try to pull yourself together for her and enjoy this day together with her - that's a big step in a teenagers world I guess :]

Do you think there's a way for you two to get back together? Or would you even want that?

[WiltedRose]

Thank you yes they have kept me grounded I probably wouldn't get out of bed if it wasn't for them! I am just focusing on trying to make this weekend special for my Daughter I really have to pull it together!

You must focus on your studies sweetheart those grades are important and will last forever man problems will not! And my advice is give him space! I love Bob Marleys quote if you love somebody let them go, fornuf they return they were always your if they don't they never were!

Just keep busy start something new join a gym meet new friends at university or the library, take a trip to see your sis if you can!


And somedays it makes sense that we are not together it was so complex with my family and his work we didn't get enough time together which also made us miserable plus he wants a family of his own! but we miss each other terribly and always thinking about each other :'( it's the armed forces weekend and I'm dreading in case I see him or his friends!! Xx


Going to work now hunny try and stay focused love, big hugs xx

[lovemenot]

Best of luck for you and your daughter this weekend!!! Hope it all goes well :]

I am trying my best to stay focused on studying. But it's just do damn hard. We used to always study with him.
Always used to go to class together and to a library on our days off and spend an entire day there just sitting next to each other studying quietly and sometimes laughing about something.. And now, where ever I go to study, all those places remind me of him and the studying itself reminds me of him...

And it's just that for the last 5 months he was basically my whole life. We used to do everything together and now everything just reminds me of him.... And it feels like I have to start over. Alone. It's so painful...I literally feel physical pain in my chest most of the time lately....

[WiltedRose]

Thanks so much x & I know exactly how your feeling, I think of him all the time and everything reminds me of him his dad owns a garage opposite my salon!! He help me with my house move so even my house reminds me off him! I thought I was going to have panic attacks!! Have a cry, shout, play loud music (that doesn't make you think of him!) Run & breathe! Just keep on going You will get though this love xx