Someone, please help me...I'm dying inside

[lovemenot]

thank you for replying:] I really needed this today;]
it does feel like there really could be a relationship and a really good one between us. I even remember one friend asking me "so what are you two like friends with benefits..? " and I said " more like a couple without benefits" this was of course way back before we were sleeping together.
But what can I do if he says he doesn't want a relationship right now. He is the one building that wall.
He said he hasn't felt true happiness in a long long time and he haven't felt his true self either and said he doesn't think anyone could be happy with him until he fixes himself. Though I would like to be in a real official relationship with him, but I am afraid there's not much I can do at this point... So I am just kind of waiting, but trying really hard not to get my hopes too high. And I know it might sound stupid to wait for a guy and most women would probably be disappointed to hear me say that, but I just think he is worth waiting and even a chance of what we could have is worth this. Maybe until he fixes himself and stands back on his feet again and realizes he wants me as much as I want him or maybe until all these feelings fade away...

[pcmaster]

Well some girls waits for years for their love to come after them. But theres no guarantee. You might wait and then some girl will show him her ass and he will run to her. Really you need to wait once to understand that no guy is worth waiting for.

I think few girls waited for me too for years but from the beginning I knew that there will be nothing between us. Really if he really liked you he wouldnt think about his problems but try to make relationship anyway. Most guys think that if they find a girl then problems will solve. But most girls think that guys have to solve their problems before that, and then look for girl. So this is where your mindset is diferent.

Also maybe hes life is a mess and he dont want to invite girl to this haoss to make this problems girls problems.
Really guy cant have any relationship until hes is okay with who he is and in peace with himself. If he is not happy with himself then his sucsess with girls are limited. It takes that look in a mirror and saying - yeah this guy is the guy ! To have success with girls. So yeah guy need a therapist and you are suffering because he is not in healthy state of mind to have a relationship.
You can wait for a guy but its like waiting for a homeless guy to become rich. It rarely happens and ussualy not without help.

[lovemenot]

Well what you're saying is very true. And in this case - his life is a real mess right now and he is also not happy with himself, so he really just wants to sort all that out before starting a relationship. He really knows that to make a relationship work takes time and energy and once he is in a relationship he wants to devote himself to it and at this moment he just couldn't do it.

Also when thinking about it I would actually prefer that our relationship started later not right now. A lot of things are very uncertain in my life as well atm and I also realized I have an extreme fear of rejection and some other problems which I would like to sort out before entering a relationship.

And I believe he would just tell me if he knew that there could never be anything between us, but several times he hinted already that we'll see what happens in the future.

But you are wrong that now guy is worth waiting for. I once waited for a guy for over a year. And he was my first true love and we were together for over 3 years then and it was absolutely amazing and he was definitely worth waiting. And so is this guy. And being a hopeless romantic I do believe in happy endings and that true love will win;]

Or maybe in time my feelings will fade away and I will get tired of waiting and really become ok with just being friends and then meet someone else;]
But for now I am much happier spending time with him than I would be if I stopped all contact with him. Like we've been messaging all day today about how we're both handling our hangover and what we're doing and what we're eating and stuff;]

[WiltedRose]

How are you doing [MENTION=78360]lovemenot[/MENTION]?


These last couple of days I have felt so calm physically I wanted to cry Wed/Thurs but I had the best day yest in fact I can't remember the last time I was that happy even being with him!!! Today not as happy but I still don't want to cry and it was an effort to get up but I had no kids here but I've made plans and sticking to them not going to drink much this weekend either so I can't get into trouble haha

Anyway I really think I've turned a corner & I am not going to rush into anybody's arms I'm going to enjoy this summer with my girls and no one else to please except them and moi ha

[lovemenot]

[MENTION=85848]WiltedRose[/MENTION]
It's so great to hear that about you! I am really happy for you! I hope you can keep this up and stick to your plans through the whole summer and stay happy :] And I bet your girls will also be happy to have more time to spend with you:] And definitely don't rush into anyone's arms. You need to regain your inner strength and have some single time;]

I am actually doing ok myself. During last weekend I realized some things and decided to focus more on my own stuff and work on overcoming my own issues and try to not obsess about him so much. But even though I am really trying to do all that at the same time I still care about him a lot and love him and still hope that we will be together again one day. Especially after a week like this ;]

As I mentioned before we went out wednesday and had a really good time, then we were both hungover on thursday and kept messaging the whole day about what we're doing and what we're eating and all kinds of things and we even watched the same movie at night and messaged each other throughout. Till we fell asleep. Then friday we spent the whole day studying at a library and then had pizza and beer afterwards and he walked me home and when we got home we again kept messaging each other and watched movies again untill late at night till we fell asleep. And today we are again messaging since we got up.... And we talked about what we dreamed last night and he said he had a dream of us two making love and that it was a great dream;]

I can't help it being in love with him. He's like a drug to me. I decided to not even fight it anymore. I just want to love him and dream of us two being together. Even if he doesn't love me back (which I believe he really does).
I dont' even care anymore. All I want is his company either as friends or lovers or whatever. As long as he is in my life I am happy. And I believe it's worth to wait if there is a chance to be with him again.
And if ever he just decides he doesn't want me anymore in his life or meets someone else or anything else happens I will deal with it then.
There are a lot of big changes coming quite soon in both of our lives and truly neither of us can know what's gonna happen. But for now, I am much happier with him than I would be without.
Just need to learn not to obsess about it too much and stay focused more on my own stuff;]

[pcmaster]

Lovemenot, I see how he is drug to you. Theoreticaly you should go no contact if guy is not ready for relationship and especialy because you like him more than friend you shouldnt be friends too since it makes only harder to move on. But in reality you are addicted to this feeling and taking everything you can get like a drug/love junkie. So you are going for this short term dopamine rush in your brains instead on focusing what would be better for you in longterm. Emotional hygiene is long gone from this "relationship".
All thats left is burned balls, destroyed vaginas, aching hearts and blood, tears and naked truth.
I bet he will be in tears if you leave him. Just like this guy.

[lovemenot]

Thank you [MENTION=42177]pcmaster[/MENTION] for your insight, but I don't completely agree with you.
I have really thought about leaving him a few times already. I understand that would be much better for me in a long run. And I could finally just move on. Being a love junkie doesn't sound at all healthy... this guy though is deeply depressed so I think what would most likely happen he would just accept that fact and wallow in silence or maybe he would even realize what he had once he lost me.

We even talked about stopping all contact with each other, cause it's too hard with all the feelings still there, but we still both want to see each other.

But I just can't do it..:[ There's still this hope left that maybe we can be together again. And I believe that could be the best thing ever. I have never met anyone more suitable for me than he is. And I believe he is honest when he tells me that too.
I know you are probably all sick of me saying this again and again and I sound completely pathetic. But I really care too much about him to cause him any kind of pain.

And I am doing better and better being alone, and manage to focus and study more and more and to not obsess about him for longer periods of time. And I am calmer and also this whole experience gave me some really good insights about myself and i know what issues of my own I need to work on just for my own well being.
And I feel that this is becoming just a PART of my life not my ENTIRE life how it used to be. So things are looking better.
And I believe that in time if we don't get back together these feelings will fade away and I can really learn to see him just as a friend.
I just need to stay focused and just let it be for a few more months without making any radical decisions cause now both of our lives are very uncertain and there are a lot of changes coming for both of us and I will just see how things are then.

even a couple of times I have decided and tried to leave him alone and gave him space and we didn't text or saw each other for a couple of days and then he just started texting me again like old times and we met up to study again and talked non-stop cause we really missed each other.

I don't know though, maybe this relationship is really doomed already...

[lovemenot]

I also think I need to leave this forum at least for a while.
I thank you all for your support and insights and all the advice given. It all made things much clearer to me and helped me a lot.
I know now, what issues I have exactly and I will write to my therapist tomorrow and try to make an appointment and work on those issues.
I hope I can one day return with a happy ending to this whole story and help others overcome their problems as well.
But for now I need to stay focused and all this just keeps me ruminating over the same problems and spending way too much time on here hoping to find answers.

Thank you all again, and good luck to everybody!