I Need In-Depth Advice!

[Ineedahug]

Hi. I’m suffering greatly and I really need some in-depth advice. Please bear with me because this will be a tad long. Thank you so much in advance for reading this -- I feel so confused and scared it’s painful.

Before I get into the issue I need advice on, it’s probably helpful to note that I’ve been seeing a therapist for the past few years and I’ve been working on dealing with anxiety and depression related issues -- mostly focused on the realm of connection and relationships.

I go and see her about once every three weeks, and I’ve been really focusing on a few things with her. Letting my guard down and being vulnerable, especially with people I like (whether this is romantic or platonic) has been a big one. I moved a lot as a kid (I’m 25 now), and I have this crushing feeling that everyone is going to leave my life, and that any relationship I start will never last -- essentially that people will leave me and will not be there to take care of me. I know that this is irrational fear, but I feel as if I have no power to keep people in my life, as I can’t control how someone feels or what they think or what they do. Writing this out makes me feel embarrassed, crazy, and desperate.

I’ve had two serious relationships in the past -- both around two years each -- where my significant others both cheated on me. My last serious relationship was when I was 18, and I’ve had trouble committing myself to a serious relationship or just dating since then. I’ve met people at bars and had a few one-night stands over the years, but because of therapy, I realized this lifestyle wasn’t making me happy.

Anyway, I’ve been in my current job for almost over a year. I work in a team environment with (10 people to each team, with 7 or so teams overall) and a lot of people around my age (22-35) and I’ve started to get really close to a handful of people at work. In fact, I’ve share what i’m about to share with you to some of my friends.

We had someone join my team around 6 months ago and I think I’m suffering from a horrible case of unrequited love. This person shares many of my hobbies and we started out being good friends. Over time however, I started to develop feelings for her, but she has a serious long-term boyfriend who lives about an hour away from where we work and they’ve been dating for almost five years. Six months ago, I wrote these feelings off as nothing more than a simple work crush, but now I feel almost suffocated and confused by my feelings. I don’t know how her relationship is with her SO for the record, but there’s been times where we interacted where I felt like she might have feelings beyond friendship for me, too. Of course, I might just be projecting, but I’ve been trying to trust my intuition more and those are the signals I get. (If anybody wants examples, I can list them later.)

Anyway, since she’s joined I’ve slowly become closer to this person, but as my feelings have grown I’ve noticed that I’ve started to care more about what she thinks and I find it hard to relax and accept my feelings for what they are.

Meeting her has helped me find a lot of value in what I would want from someone who is available: Kindness; A sense of morals; a dark sense of humor; not being afraid to be themselves; vulnerability.

However, I find myself feeling conflicted. My heart tells me to express my feelings to her, while my brain says that’d be a bad idea. I don’t expect or want anything to happen -- I think it would just help me move on by being honest.

I’ve talked to my friends and they said it could possibly make things weird if I expressed these sentiments, which totally makes sense. One of them told me that if I or she left the company or moved, I should express my feelings then. I’d probably say something like. “Hi! I’m really going to miss you. I’ve had feelings for you for a while, and it feels important for me to let you know. I’ve always admired and been really impressed by you. I think you’re an amazing person, so please don’t ever change!”

UGH. Writing that out made me cringe and feel embarrassed -- would there be a better, less crazy way to word that?

I feel like I’m not explaining this the best, but after getting to know this person I think I might be in love and I’m scared and I don’t know what to do or how to deal with all these feelings -- I’m not sure I’ve ever been in love before. I’m terrified that if I don’t express these feelings, I never will and I could lose out on a great friendship or a great relationship by not being vulnerable. Though there’s no indication of this, I’m also scared that she or I could move and that I would never see her again. That would break my heart.

I guess here’s my whole post boiled down.

I have feelings for someone who is taken at work.
Should I express them or not?
I want this person to be in my life, but I’m having trouble dealing with my own feelings. They’re telling me this is important, but I’m scared and I don’t know how to relax and to let things be.
If I were to express my feelings, what would be a warm and normal way to do that?
I know I can’t control how this person feels about me, but as a common theme in my life, I’m scared they’re going to be a part of my life and then leave and that devastates me.

Please help me! What do I do. Should I distance myself from this person or express my feelings or do nothing at all?

P.S. I force myself to get involved in hobbies, like volunteering, meeting new people etc every week. This is just something I can’t stop thinking about or escape emotionally.

[Snow White]

Dear Ineedahug, I wish I could give you a hug. I think it's great that you go to therapy. Letting one's guard down and being vulnerable is a very difficult thing for anyone and there is no need to feel embarrassed about any of it.
But as far as these things you are working on, I think it would be a mistake to let this woman know how you are feeling. She simply is not available and it would just make things uncomfortable for her. Your last two partners were unfaithful to you, but you were also teenagers. Maybe ask yourself why you are falling for someone who is not available. I would chalk this up as a crush and move on. Only distance yourself if you feel you just can't deal with being around her.