Husband chats with female colleague on facebook

[Gigi1981]

Hi All,

I am not sure whether I am just creating a storm in a teacup or whether I am allowed to have concerns. My husband started talking to a female colleague a few months ago. She has just left the company (yesterday) but still lives in our city. She has a young toddler and I am not sure she has the best relationship. A few weeks ago, she added my husband on facebook and then he told me how she told him she had a funny conversation at work. When he asked her what it was about, she said it was about being fingered at work. He thought it was pretty odd but nothing else. When he told me, I got angry (at her) because I found that sort of conversation very inappropriate to have with a male colleague, especially if he is married. He did not understand why I would get so offended. This has been an ongoing thing since because he still talks to her on facebook and obviously, before she left, also at work. How much, I do not know and I am hating myself for being so suspicious because I never had reasons to distrust my husband. However, since he is currently in another depressive phase, he has told me things, e.g. that he dislikes how society puts rules on you, for example that when you are married, you cannot have other partners. We talked about that a few times and he always professed his love for me and I trusted him enough, however, it has been more difficult for me because it makes me feel second rate. He does tell me that he finds me very attractive, both physically and mentally but the damage has been done. This morning, I saw that he was online and I could see how he had little smirks on his face when he was typing. I asked him whether he was talking to her and then added that it is perfectly fine, I just want him to be open with me. He told me several times that he was not talking to her and that he was just looking for books. I then got insight into his facebook conversation as it accidentally opened up on my laptop under his profile. In the conversation, he told her that he was thinking of her when she woke up. She answered with that she wouldn't have minded waking up next to him. He did not react to that. When I confronted him about that, he said that he finds it a bit weird and she would sometimes say such things but that he would just overlook it. He said, the reason why he thought of her was because he is currently struggling with whether he wants kids or not and he knew that last weekend, she took her son to a show. He doesn't get that I'm upset and gets angry that I bring it up. I am seriously hurt because he lied about speaking to her. When I ask why, he says it is because I will only cause problems and interrogate him but I told him that if he wasn't so secretive about it and would openly tell me, I would not have a problem. In a way, he causes the problems in my head because he lies about what is going on and then I find out about the things she says. I am also very hurt because he does not clearly tell her the limitations. When I said that i believe he somewhat enjoys her comments, he said "yes, maybe" but then reverted to the fact that he does not even pick up on them. So what is it?

I am not sure what to do but with all the things I have recently had to go through with him, including the past eight years, I am not sure whether I can still go on. I feel so deficient and like I am on death row knowing that the end is inevitable. No matter whether he says he loves me more than anything. I just do not have any trust or strength left. What should I do, am I overreacting?

[pcmaster]

Hes lucky. Girls from my work dont even reply me on FB anymore.

[Snow White]

Wow! I was reading this and knowing EXACTLY how you are feeling. This could be me writing about my husband in the past. I would discover correspondence between my husband and a female and he would lie about it and say he lied because he didn't want me to get upset over nothing even though I told him his lying was what really upset me.

Your husband sounds like mine as far as not thinking the things she says are inappropriate and not a big deal. Whereas I agree with you and would not want a woman talking about her getting fingered with my husband. My husband would also tell me how much he loves me and wants me and no one else, but also, like yours, enjoys the attention.

I think the relationship is inappropriate as you do. You need to make this very clear to your husband. Don't make him out to be the bad guy. Keep the conversation to "I feel.." Don't accuse him of anything, but still make him know your feelings need to be respected. How would he feel if a man was communicating with you in a sexual way?

You also mentioned the subject of having children. That can be very stressful and may explain some of his behavior, but that is something that should be discussed with you and not a co-worker. Just be honest, loving and kind with him. Make your feelings clear and let him know you love him and trust him, but his behavior just is not acceptable.

[sHrinking_man]

Hmmm...from a guy's perspective, I have no issue (nor should his wife make it one) that a guy is having correspondence with a woman colleague, after work. Most people want to rubber stamp and apply a rigid set of rules and restrictions, and wonder why the guy is hesitant or not forthcoming with communications concerning that. Now the thing I do have issue with (and agree with Gigi) is the content of the conversation - which given her lack of respectful boundaries (discussing being fingered at work, with a married man) does seem inappropriate. Snow White, on one hand you give great advice on calling attention to the context of the conversation, in a way that doesn't accuse him... but then your advice to "let him know his behavior is not acceptable", risks setting him up to alienate his wife (as he's now confronted with the choice of picking and choosing what things are "safe enough" to share with his wife - based on her condemnation of his behavior...But, notwithstanding the points I've mentioned - I mostly tend to agree with you! ;-)

[omgtotallyxo]

Depends on the context of the conversation. Were they joking like bros or was she flirting? If its flirting, then its unacceptable. Why he doesn't think its a big deal blows me mind. How does he like it if you start talking about waking up next to another guy or getting fingered by another guy?