how do I not resent my husband when he still does the same things...

[Emilyh85]

I got married this march 2017, we had only been together for 9 months prior to getting married. When we first got together the man was sooo in love with me, he was like a night in shining armor, I lived in the burbs, he lived in the country. I met him from my best friend because he is her brother, at times his love for me was a bit obsessive I must say, he was so into me sending me memes, love ones and funny ones, driving to my house everyday which is 35 minutes away. We fell in love with being around each other and being outdoors riding horses, fishing etc. after we looked at finiances we decided I should move to the country with him, we could ride more, and do more country things. Johnny was really hounding me to put him first, but I was so busy being a mom and working all the time that I tried but never really could manage to meet his emotional needs, now that I have moved down here and we have gotten married I have given my new car to the father of my children, stopped working since he wanted me to take the summer off and provide for my children and spend the last summer before my youngest daughter started school, since I have gotten married my husband has done a 360. He no longer rides horses, calls me( if he does he seems to bit enjoy the conversation) he texts me but it is very boring. We barley have sex anymore. I take care of everything EVERYTHING but working at this point, I do dog chores clean the house, laundry, mowing, I now his dads yard, his uncles yard. I'm a pretty active person so I enjoy it for the most part, but he seems to not appreciate it. If me and johnny got into an arguement and I tried to leave he would swoop me up and carry my inside LITERALLY. He now gps my cellphone, he dosent like for me to go out after 7. He wants me to go to bed whenever he is going to bed, I like to take baths and he tells me there is a certain time of the day when I can enjoy a soak in the tub. He has literally neglected me emotionally since I have moved down here along with physically. I have tried begging johnny to understand how lonely it is being at home not working, and how there is no fun now that he comes home from work and stares at his phone, or cooks dinner and lays down, he is always obsessed with going to bed and getting 8-10 hours a night even if some days he only works 3 hours. I don't want to say he's lazy but it seems to be the only word I can come up with. He no longer gives in bed, he always tells me that my feelings when I try to express them are nagging. I left the other night because I needed a long drive, and I was upset he never shows appreciation for all the hard work I do for us. He told me when I left he was going to say nice things to me, but since I left he was no longer going to say them..... he also never says thank you, your beautiful, I've tried to buy games/ journals to write nice things in... etc. everything to spark it back up. I've begged him on my knees to give me emotionally what I want, I broke down and cried the other night and he mocked the sounds of me crying telling me I'm dramatic and if I wanted to talk to come to him. He has no empathy anymore for my suffering.... he has literally brought back some verbal Desmond I used to have 15 years ago... his mom and dad are in a abusive/cheating/ physically abusive relationship, his mother is bipolar and has a paranoia her husband ( my father in law) wants to have sen with me, and texts me hateful stuff... johnny just allows it. I honestly At this point have no idea how to get him to care, he feels like he isn't doing anything wrong. And says sorry, but never follows thru with action. He says he loves me, and I should be grateful he don't hit me or cheat on me. I just don't know what to do AT ALL, in the country surrounded by crazys... with no support... no romance, no fun, no intimacy. He also travels for work time to time and told me he won't allow me to travel for my job, and wants me to work a "cushion job". I don't know if I have really tied everything together but he was my knight in shinning armor, now I don't even know who he is? PLEASE HELP

[GLYC]

Sounds like you've already tried to talk with him. The problem is he doesn't have communication skills. Which makes it impossible for you to do anything. You tried to sort things out with him, but that didn't work, so now youre here looking for help. I resent the guy from reading this.

You should be thankful that he doesn't hit you? What a piece of shit. I would never say that to a woman.

You've been together for a relatively short period of time and he's displayed so many red flags. The obsessive controlling behavior, devoid of caring for your needs. Not putting in effort, the truth is the love story should never end. Men should keep courting you as they have in the past, and keep making you feel special. This is any you want to date ideally, for several years before getting married. It's more of a trial period, people can put their best foot forward for a while. Possibly after the marriage he felt like he no longer had to try anymore.

Making you quit your job, big no no.
Mocking you while you're crying and vulnerable, he should be comforting you, trying to sort things out.
He should be standing up for you towards his mother, he should be defending you.
Honestly I could ramble on and on.

I hate divorce, all the things that come with it, but if he can't communicate, eventually that's what things are going to have to come down to.
You can't work things out with someone that refuses to communicate.

[TheEvilJester]

He says he loves me, and I should be grateful he don't hit me or cheat on me.

Y....You are kidding us, right? You can't be serious. He actually SAID this to you?! You know.... through the whole rest of your post, my thought was he doesn't appreciate you and doesn't deserve you at least as it stands now.... but maybe it is worth a last ditch effort to make it clear you cannot accept this anymore.

....That was until this line. After hearing that, my honest to God opinion would be that you should divorce him. You should leave and never look back. That he doesn't deserve you and probably never did. Furthermore, somebody with the audacity to say something like that.... My opinion is he says that because it wouldn't be too long before one or both of those things DID happen.

Now, with that said, I will readily admit that crap like that p*$$e$ me right the Hell off. So, maybe it just pushed the wrong button for me. I can play Devil's advocate a bit here. So with that in mind, my advice to you WOULD have been to talk to him about all this..... but you've done that and he doesn't care. So, assuming you wish the chance to salvage your marriage, my advice would be to remain calm and fair, but start to get more firm. At this point, he needs to understand that have had enough. That you don't expect him to bend over backwards like you are his entire life or anything, but that you deserve some basic respect and love from somebody who is supposed to be your partner. That these issues need to be dealt with or you are going to have to do what is best for yourself even if that means the big D word (divorce, that is).

Here's the tricky part.... however you best can, you don't want to make that sound like a threat. In other words, you aren't throwing around the threat of ending the relationship intending to scare him straight.... you are making the threat of ending the relationship because you honestly feel it may be what is best for you. The threat of ending a relationship shouldn't be a tool one uses to try to get what they want, it should be used only as an honest reaction to hitting or getting near your breaking point.

Again, my personal advice would be he doesn't even deserve the chance at this point. He doesn't deserve you. You deserve SO much better. ....But it is your life, not mine. You have to do what feels right for you. If it feels right to you to try to save this marriage, then you should definitely at least try. You just definitely should care enough about yourself to be able to do what is right for you, even if it may be what is initially very hard.

Good luck to you either way. You deserve somebody amazing who treats you like the amazing person you are. If that can be him, great. If not, then you deserve the chance to find somebody who can.

[Emilyh85]

I am clueless sometimes, at how Johnny can just not understand what he did wrong..... for instance today, I have been applying for some jobs.... I feel like maybe if I'm not at his "beck and call" he will appreciate the things I do for hi more? Or the time he spends with me??? But Anywhooooo I was sick all last night until 6 am and woke up by 10, still
Not feeling good I got up and started going all the chores around the house, he comes home after working 5 hours, and walks around trying to stay busy and sits and plays games on his phone, I even tried to re group him and tell him what thngsnneeded to be done so I could lay down.... at the end of the night I told him I was upset and he was clueless??! The father of my older two children used to verbally and physically abuse me, and when I tell johnny this he refers to him as a POS D bag, I have told johnny that he has a lot of similar traits to my x just not the hitting part, I also
Told him that "hitting me" is easier because it heals faster and actually goes away...... he got VERY upset when I said that but I told him I was just trying to be honest and not taking a low
Blow, just trying to explain why I am less tolerable of some
Behaviors now that I have moved past them years ago, and am now reliving them. I'm trying to stay humble and kind hoping that me getting a job, and maybe keeping my foot down on certain situations will help, but honestly sometimes I feel like I'm just buying my time

[Shoukon]

Reading your story made me feel like I was tricked and conned. He showed you everything you wanted, gave you what you desired, told you to take it easy and move to the country to have a more relaxed life riding horses and such than the city life and your city job and when you do move with him...it honestly sounded like you realized it was a con. Everything is backwards. You don't have what you were promised, your desires are not just ignored, but crapped on, your life is doing chores for him and everyone else. You're his mother now.

We're never taught how to be loved, how to know what really is love and how to get out of a destructive relationship. We're beyond the first two and at the final one here. You've tried to talk to him and he's mocked you as you were on your hands and knees crying. You did your part there. I know it was said to not "threaten" him with the relationship being broken, but you standing up for your life is more important than his feelings of being "threatened." That card of feeling threatened when someone speaks the truth is another con that's used to manipulate and control someone.

Be curious about why you won't leave this moment. Kids, how do you get your own place again, he tells me he loves me still, I shouldn't get a divorce because xyz reasons, I'll hurt his feelings, I'll be a wreck etc. Then think about what is currently happening in your relationship, what you've shared with us and all the other things unshared. Think of that relationship continuing over time the way it is, for there are no reasons for it to change with his current actions. Spending as much time away from your relationship (getting that job) won't fix it, you're right, it will just buy you some extended sanity. Even worse, that's an action that is futile towards yourself and your desires and "hoping" that this futile action will magically fix the problem when it won't. That's a tricky way us humans destroy our emotions, by wishing something to be and setting ourselves up for that to not happen. Yea, some good can come after all that pain of having your hope crushed, but you don't have to suffer every possible ounce of your soul to justify helping yourself. Lastly, See if all these reasons are really constructive for your life.

Ask him to go with you to get professional help since he has shown, in action, he doesn't give a shit. I've found in my practice that surface words mean so little in these situations. If he won't get professional help with you, you may have to manage yourself and tolerate the idea of leaving him and the life you shared with us here. A spouse isn't a mother or a maid to their partner.

I keep coming back to the feeling of being tricked. All the feelings you have, feel them, even the ones that feel untolerable, and use them to fuel constructive action in your life instead of bottling them up for the "sake" of a relationship that is partially illusionary (you can see these parts when he says one thing and does the opposite) and seemingly destructive. And get as much support as you can. From here if you've found the community helpful, from professionals, from friends, all those who are there to help you regardless of what you Need to do.

This is traditionally "improper" from a Psychotherapist to say, but there are relationships that shouldn't continue, or a more modern way of saying it, have completed their time. Even in bad relationships, there was some good, even an inkling, but it doesn't mean you have to stay after the relationship has become destructive and you've tried enough to mend it. You don't owe the relationship or the other person, a life sentence.

I hope I've been helpful and let me know if I misunderstood anything or could say something clearer or fuller.

Edit: Added info and corrected grammar.

[TheEvilJester]

I know it was said to not "threaten" him with the relationship being broken, but you standing up for your life is more important than his feelings of being "threatened." That card of feeling threatened when someone speaks the truth is another con that's used to manipulate and control someone.

I just felt the need to clarify that I think you misunderstood my point. Believe me, I can go on and on, so I'm not blaming you for misunderstanding. LOL! However, I want to make clear that I'm not saying that FOR HIS benefit. Not in the slightest. I am saying that because I feel she deserves the best chance to be heard. She has EVERY right to be hitting a point of feeling like she may need to end the relationship right now.... but sometimes how you say something can help or hinder whether somebody will hear you out or just shut right down and refuse to hear you, no matter how right you may be.

Though, I have to be honest. The more I think about it, the more I feel like this jerk sounds like the kind of guy who won't listen no matter what. So, yeah.... kind re-thinking whether it really matters HOW Emily brings it up for discussion at all. SHE knows she's right. If he's too stubborn and pig-headed to realize he's ruining this relationship, then he doesn't deserve it anyway.

[Shoukon]

I just felt the need to clarify that I think you misunderstood my point. Believe me, I can go on and on, so I'm not blaming you for misunderstanding. LOL! However, I want to make clear that I'm not saying that FOR HIS benefit. Not in the slightest. I am saying that because I feel she deserves the best chance to be heard. She has EVERY right to be hitting a point of feeling like she may need to end the relationship right now.... but sometimes how you say something can help or hinder whether somebody will hear you out or just shut right down and refuse to hear you, no matter how right you may be.

Though, I have to be honest. The more I think about it, the more I feel like this jerk sounds like the kind of guy who won't listen no matter what. So, yeah.... kind re-thinking whether it really matters HOW Emily brings it up for discussion at all. SHE knows she's right. If he's too stubborn and pig-headed to realize he's ruining this relationship, then he doesn't deserve it anyway.

We agree on everything.

[TheEvilJester]

Groovy. I just felt I had to clarify because I didn't realize until you said it that my words could have been misunderstood. So, I am actually very glad you misunderstood them yourself so I could realize that and clarify. Because, yeah, I couldn't agree with you more.

[Hooo!]

I assume you already talked about it
and since then nothing has changed

If he does not change, then what do you realistically want for yourself your relationship life and your future?