New Advice on an Older Problem

[NinaDreams]

Hello! I had posted about part of this problem months ago and the thread is closed now, because it's been awhile I'm kind of consolidating a few problems into one thread so excuse the length.

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 44. We went on our first date 2 years ago. We dated for around 6 months before we broke up for a few, and have been back together for a year now. So in total, we've been together around a year and a half.

When we first got back together late last summer, he mentioned to me how he'd gotten close to his 2 neighbors. They live in an attached duplex/townhouse style house and they share a backyard. I know I posted about this in a thread previously so forgive any repeat information. The neighbors are 29-30 women now, attractive, and fun. They are friendly to me and according to my boyfriend, nothing sexual ever went on with any of them. I firmly believe he would never cheat on me ...physically.

He introduced me to them and subsequently went on and on about how cool it was of me to be cool with them. I was cool with them, but now I feel I've had enough.

It was getting to a point in our relationship (which I had previously posted about) where the 2 ladies were becoming obnoxious, and my boyfriend was allowing it. Their friendship knew no boundaries and it was intrusive and disrespectful to our romantic relationship. For example, sometimes they would yell into the window unannounced while we were together in his living or dining rooms, pound on the door late at night when they were drunk and we were in bed, or text him at all hours asking him/us to come meet up with them at a bar. We only spend 3 nights a week together, so when we ARE together, it is annoying and infuriating to be interrupted in such a manner. They can live however they want and I can form the opinion that they lead rather immature lifestyles with copious amounts of alcohol involved, but hey, that's their business.

I had a couple of conversations with him about boundaries with the ladies; that I wasn't trying to tell him how to manage his friendship with them, but when I'm around, it feels disrespectful and I feel devalued and downright annoyed when those intrusive behaviors happened.

He had assured me I'm the priority, he didn't want me to feel otherwise, and agreed they could be obnoxious. He even admitted, after some slight reservation, that the whole thing probably looks pretty bad from the outside to others, and that he doesn't want me to be upset about any of it. He did somewhat defend his friendship with them, and said they're his neighbors and a lot of it is proximity, meaning there's only so much he can do about their presence. Looking back, I see that comment as a massive load of crap, but ok.

Things kind of improved. I didn't hear or see much of them throughout most of the summer, but then, my boyfriend and I were traveling and off doing things for much of the summer.

As I mentioned, they do share a backyard, and they maintain a garden together. I know there have been a few nights when I'm not around where the 3 of them have had bonfires or worked in the garden together. Part of me is ok with that, but part of me isn't and I'll explain in a second.

Our relationship in the last few weeks has again become a little bit saturated with them and there's a curious tone to it.

My boyfriend suggested to me that we spend 4th of July holiday grilling with them, because he had harvested their vegetables from their garden, wanted to grill them and didn't feel right not 'including' them. I thought it was a stupid excuse to see them but fine. We spent 4th of July grilling out and drinking with them.

The following weekend was the one neighbor's birthday. She invited the 2 of us to go to dinner with her and some of her close friends and family. We went, and we hung around her party until around 12. That following Wednesday, only 4 days later, she sent my boyfriend and I a text wanting to grill out for her birthday on our date night, Wednesday, which is our only weeknight together. She wanted it to be a celebration with just 'us' for her birthday. So, 2 of my 3 nights with my boyfriend that week alone were consumed celebrating this woman's birthday.

A week later, on Saturday, my boyfriend and I walked to the bar around the corner. One of them was texting him, complaining about something going on in their neighborhood. He subsequently invited her to come join us for a drink, without even asking me if it would be ok.

Last week, when I went over for our usual Wednesday date night, he was exhausted and grumpy. He mentioned how he gone over to the other neighbor's house the night before to help her fix a tire on her bike.

It's to the point where I feel almost like he's emotionally cheating on me. But then, I wonder if I feel that way just because they're women.

I'm always the one driving to his house. It's exhausting to do this for 3 nights out of the week, but worth it to spend time with him. So when I do, for our time to be consumed with these women or interrupted by these women, is disheartening.
I'm starting to get sad, feeling like I'm putting all of the effort into it. THIS is part of the reason the bonfires and gardening together, and inviting them to join us frequently bugs me: why can't our time be our time? They clearly all get enough time together when i'm not there. So when I am there, and this happens, and I see that his group text with them is always at the top of his thread, and I hear that he helps them with their bikes, and sits outside with them, etc, am I crazy to say I've just had enough with it? That I don't feel like a priority? I feel like their dynamic is really messed up. They all need to have some more boundaries and stop living like they're in a frat house.

[richiro]

i remember you! okay thoughts as i read your post.
1. the "proximity" thing he can't help. It's not a load of crap. It's abolutely real. there is literally nothing he can do about their proximty and if they want to push it. I told you that last time. You can't hold im responsible for what THEY DO.. but you can hold him responsible for what HE DOES about it. I had two obnoxious neighbors above me in my last house that would make lots of noise and bang and jump and run and --- omg.. 5am to 1130pm!!! my other neighbors had gaurd dogs that they never spent time with and so the dogs would get wrestless and fight upstairs and i could hear them move furniture in their aggressive play as guard dogs. NOTHING i can do about my neighbors! I lost over 10k and atleast 3-5 bids on that house when i sold it because potential buyers would hear the ruckus from upstairs. NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT! They KNEW they were being loud too. We even had a discussion about it. But did they do anything about it? No. NOTHIGN I CAN DO ABOUT IT.

So this is not a load of crap.

The only thing you can get mad at him for is if he refuses to tell them to stop as its happening, or he's unwilling to have discussions with them that he'd appreciate if they could quiet it down and not be intrusive while you're there. But if they refuse after he's told them these things - HE CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. (beyond move away. are you requiring him to move? that would be a bit slefish on your part. that has to be HIS decision).

2. "saturation". RElationsihps are about sacrifice and comparomise. This is an excellent example of when you both need to do this. That they garden together in the common garden and that its a national holiday - it is REASONABLE for them to want to enjoy that together. You know this. However, it is REASONABLE for you to suggest and agree to a LIMIT on how long you do so - and request that you also have your private time togehter. It can be REASONABLE to agree that you will alternate every other year that you join in on the complex bbq vs having your own private plans elsewhere. see? This same "reasonable compromise and sacrifice" can be applied to any other thing you brought up regarding "saturation with his neighbors"....

He is not "cheating" on you in any way, but again as we discussed last time and as you correctly epxressed to him, it is a bit disrespectful and devaluing to you. If you are in a relationship, you should be the priority (sans reasonable emergencies like medical, depression, etc.), and he should be asking you if its okay. At the same time, if its a situaiton where its reaosonable to want to be there for your friend, YOU need to also be okay with reasonable times where you might be interrupted for somethign bigger than what you two are doing that particular night.

But if it's happening ALL THE TIME or more often than its not - then well - you'll have to have a talk about that and make a decision. he has the right to manage his friendships - co demanding he move or give them up is NOT reasonable.
It's reasonable to maybe say, "hey.. why dont' you come to MY place this wekend" or 50% of the time and when it's YOUR place - phone gets turned off. it about you. but the 50% it's at his place.. then if its important to him to include his friends than you must accept that about him and what makes HIM happy as well.

see where i'm going with this?

if it were me. i'd put my foot down and say.. "hey.. we're going to need to share this responsibility, work for this relationship. you need to come to my place 50% of the time." or you have to agree to keep it just to weekends and alternate places every weekend. or you can say "okay.. the weeknights belong to you and your friends.. but the weekends belong to me.. so you're driving to my place from now on." etc. these are all REASONABLE requests for a relationship. If he balks - well.. then its true and you can say, "i really am NOT a priority to you.. therefore.. i am leaving you..."

sorry to hear it hasn't gotten better. hang in there and good luck.