Girlfriend is going on holiday with another guy - advice needed, please!

[southside_harry]

Hiya!

So about 5 months ago I met the most amazing girl. We hit it off and fell in love over the next few months. It's been the most incredible relationship I've ever experienced and I can totally see myself spending the rest of my life with this girl (I am 36 and she's 29). The best part is that she feels the same way. She went through a really horrible split with her ex so she appreciates the effort I've gone to in an attempt to make her feel special.

However, before we met she booked this holiday with one of her guy pals, and what a holiday it is! She flies out to Vegas on Friday to start a two week trek across America. They've lined up pool parties, clubbing, trips to the Grand Canyon, San Francisco, L.A.... the list goes on.

I am extremely uncomfortable with this because I've never met the guy she's going with - she's known him for years and he lives in another town now. I think he's supposed to be seeing a girl too but I am not sure what his deal is to be honest. She assures me they're just friends and I totally believe her and trust her 100%, however it's still making me feel like crap knowing she's going to be doing all this crazy amazing stuff with another guy.

I think the fact it's just the two of them going and not a crowd makes it worse. I haven't really told her how uncomfortable I am with this because I don't want to come across as being jealous or controlling (I am really not!), but there's another part of me thinking it's about respect and as much as I respect her right to do what she wants I also feel she should consider my feelings since we're in a relationship? I would never do anything to make her feel uncomfortable. We briefly spoke about it a few weeks ago and she said she'd much rather be going with me and if it bothered me that much she wouldn't go... but of course I would never ask or expect her to do that so I played it down.

It's too late to really talk about it any further now. The last thing I want is for her to be going off on holiday with any tension between us. I am seeing her tomorrow night and I've got her a nice card and put some dollars in it to keep things sweet.

I guess the defining factor here is that it was booked before we met. I think I'd be more concerned if she booked something up once we'd become an item.

What do you guys think? Have I handled this the right way? Would you have done anything differently? I know the 2 weeks she's away is going to be pretty difficult for me to handle but I'll try and be cool.

I'd REALLY appreciate any feedback!
Thanks

[nerdy_guy]

Simple. Stay away from her

[pcmaster]

Pretty good advice. So simple yet true solution to this problem.

[lovebroken]

No, that is never a good thing. If your GF, she is overstepping boundaries doing that.

[GLYC]

Unpopular opinion, I'm actually with the OP on this one.

I think you're fine. Sounds like a platonic thing, shes known the guy for years. She's with you regardless.
Plus, she had this trip planned out before she met you which was over 5 months ago, she probably doesn't want to let her friend down.
And she's invested a lot into it.

PERSONALLY, I would let her go, I would do what you did. Relationships are built on trust anyways, love in a way the other person feels free.
I would think she'd love you even more for being understanding about it all.

"she said she'd much rather be going with me and if it bothered me that much she wouldn't go..."
Cool girlfriend. I like her response.

[Snow White]

She told you if it bothered you that much, she wouldn't go. You should have been honest at that point. We want to appear as if we are cool with everything when we actually are not and then we end up harboring resentment and anxiety. Personally, I don't think she would be cool if you did the same thing with a female friend. The thing about women is they really believe that they can be just friends with guys, but I truly believe a man really isn't interested in being just friends with a female. I think in the back of their minds they are thinking there may always be a chance of a hook up. Am I wrong guys?

We have to remember that it is always best to be honest about the way we feel rather than pretending to be what we think the other person wants.

[nerdy_guy]

She told you if it bothered you that much, she wouldn't go. You should have been honest at that point. We want to appear as if we are cool with everything when we actually are not and then we end up harboring resentment and anxiety. Personally, I don't think she would be cool if you did the same thing with a female friend. The thing about women is they really believe that they can be just friends with guys, but I truly believe a man really isn't interested in being just friends with a female. I think in the back of their minds they are thinking there may always be a chance of a hook up. Am I wrong guys?

We have to remember that it is always best to be honest about the way we feel rather than pretending to be what we think the other person wants.

I agree, and you have to remember, this is not some church camp either, its clubbing, partying and nightlife. you really think nothing will happen? yes she'll think you're cool... you'd think she's cool too if you're allowed to do the same right? you think such a relationship will be healthy in the long run? i'd like to think so but... nah

[GLYC]

She told you if it bothered you that much, she wouldn't go. You should have been honest at that point. We want to appear as if we are cool with everything when we actually are not and then we end up harboring resentment and anxiety. Personally, I don't think she would be cool if you did the same thing with a female friend. The thing about women is they really believe that they can be just friends with guys, but I truly believe a man really isn't interested in being just friends with a female. I think in the back of their minds they are thinking there may always be a chance of a hook up. Am I wrong guys?

We have to remember that it is always best to be honest about the way we feel rather than pretending to be what we think the other person wants.

I disagree. I've been friends with women and have not been interested in them. But in a lot of cases with some men, yes, you're right.
I've also had female friends start to come onto me out of what felt like nowhere.

When you actually understand dating and relationships, you learn how important it is to be authentic and genuine in most cases, if you secretly want to date the girl and arent actually interested in JUST bring friends, the friendship is fraudulent. And that's weak. It usually doesn't pan out well for the guy.

Men need to be direct and go for what they want.

[Weston71]

There are two types of people in this world.. those who believe men and women can 'just be friends' and those who believe if they are straight and close then there is most likely an underlying tension not yet reciprocated.. If this male 'friend' from another town has a GF what does she think of this trip.. I suspect that actually he is not taken (or if he is does not care about his GF) and secretly likes this girl of yours and was hoping this 2 week trip would be the making of them as an item.. however I could be way of base with this.. it does not matter what you 'feel' feelings are liars at times and do not listen to 'should'.. the fact you are asking this question here shows you are freaking out and insecure about it.. with good reason really.. you don't know the guy, his story, his motives.. the circumstances and situations they may find themselves in over the whole holiday.. the closeness that may develop etc.. etc.. will she cheat on you with this chap.. we do not know, we do not know her or him.. but if she does cheat with him on this trip you may never know.. she may regret it and never share it.. but if they do.. and you do hear about it.. he is a fool and so is she.. how can any relationship that begins with lies and deceit ever be any good or have any true foundations of trust.. you need to sit here down, relay your anxieties and read her well in her responses.. it seems she will go on this trip anyway and so you need to decide on your actions.. if she cheats on you now she always would have, better to know now than 10 or 20 years down the line..

[lovebroken]

Bumping this for you and asking if she went and are you still together?

[Rockisback]

i had this situation when i started dating my ex wife (forget by now the ex, we lasted years) but at the beginning of our relationship she had this friend for years nad guess what, they were going on camping, i knew what the guy wanted since she told me, to be honest i spoke with her and gave her some reasons, people talks too much about "jealously" and stuff like that but also there are in my opinion boundaries that a relationship can not trespass and only you know which ones, let her know if you feel it!

[Joe264]

Thank about it: the trip itself, they are together on this one...besides it does not matter if something happens or not: You will always have that thing. And now, if you ditch her...thats will disarm her and this guy will take her. You have two things to do: let her go, full around yourself and when she come back, keep the relationship OR say goodbye and move.to.the next one. If you decide to stay with her, full around a lot while she is travelling. Just don't sit there and think she is not having a good time. But keep in mind, even when she came back you may feel insecure about it. And consider this as well:she may dump you for him after the trip. I know it difficult. But you got to be a man.

[Naudy]

its common to fell bad if, but the most important part is trust.If you trust her without any doubt and she also trust you, than no need to worry, because she also has their freedom.
i suggest you be cool and keep in touch with with call and social media.