Fear of commitment

[Helpmesavethis]

Seems like you wanted things to progress but did the opposite lol, im not into popular opinion so you'll always find my advice tailored to what you want to happen. of course, if i do find red flags, i'll alert you to those. first thing though is to figure things out for yourself if you want to "save this" like your name suggests or just let it go. he's still talks to you even if he is scared, i don't see anything to suggest that he's playing with your feelings or using you for personal gain. So, figure it out. I've experienced something quite similar, that is why i told you it is a very steep climb. question is, is he worth the effort. if not then nothing is really lost by deleting him from you life

I haven't talked to him at all for 5/6 days.. no communication except for him liking a few of my post... Mostly were of my daughter.... And I do want it to work but then again, now I'm scared to death because I'm so hurt...

[nerdy_guy]

Now you have an idea of him being scared and hurt. Putting yourself in his shoe lets you see his perspective. He's not even trying to deliberately hurt you, so you could imagine what it would have been like for him. Men are still humans, we also feel the same pain you do. I am not trying to take sides here. What I am doing is leveling the playing field. relationships are give and take, despite his fears, he did travel quite a distance just for you. It just so happened that his fears caught up to him. If you think about it, it took a lot for him emotionally and psychologically just to start something with you, and I believe he was very grateful to you for not closing your doors on him and you even made efforts to reach out to him. For me, this relationship still has direction. So, if i were you, i'd take this slow. just let things fall into place on their own. Don't rush him. This is even a little easier since he responds if you send him messages if even its just short ones. Eventually, he'll open up himself to you when you've gained his trust. Like i said, its like driving a car, you need to ease up on the gas pedal, you'll get there. think of it this way, imagine if it were the other way around, you're not fully ready but you like him, and all he has to say is "i love you, but i can't wait for you, you have issues so solve it yourself or seek help. when you are ready, pray that i'm still available. goodbye, you know where and how to reach me". Does that sound like love to you? so far, this sounds one-sided,so i'll level it out for you. For your part, you set a limit, if you feel after a considerable amount of time that nothing has changed, and he's even drifting farther away, then let him go. It is not for you to reel him back in. This limit is based on your patience, don't let it go so far that you'll start feeling bitter for the person. Just don't overdo it. Strike a balance

[Helpmesavethis]

Now you have an idea of him being scared and hurt. Putting yourself in his shoe lets you see his perspective. He's not even trying to deliberately hurt you, so you could imagine what it would have been like for him. Men are still humans, we also feel the same pain you do. I am not trying to take sides here. What I am doing is leveling the playing field. relationships are give and take, despite his fears, he did travel quite a distance just for you. It just so happened that his fears caught up to him. If you think about it, it took a lot for him emotionally and psychologically just to start something with you, and I believe he was very grateful to you for not closing your doors on him and you even made efforts to reach out to him. For me, this relationship still has direction. So, if i were you, i'd take this slow. just let things fall into place on their own. Don't rush him. This is even a little easier since he responds if you send him messages if even its just short ones. Eventually, he'll open up himself to you when you've gained his trust. Like i said, its like driving a car, you need to ease up on the gas pedal, you'll get there. think of it this way, imagine if it were the other way around, you're not fully ready but you like him, and all he has to say is "i love you, but i can't wait for you, you have issues so solve it yourself or seek help. when you are ready, pray that i'm still available. goodbye, you know where and how to reach me". Does that sound like love to you? so far, this sounds one-sided,so i'll level it out for you. For your part, you set a limit, if you feel after a considerable amount of time that nothing has changed, and he's even drifting farther away, then let him go. It is not for you to reel him back in. This limit is based on your patience, don't let it go so far that you'll start feeling bitter for the person. Just don't overdo it. Strike a balance

I unfriended him, I haven't spoke to him since the day we "broke up" and then I text him that next day. That's it. It's been a week... I'm not sure how/where you see us talking and things like that. I'm miserable. I can't eat, sleep, work, all I do is cry. It sucks. I'm trying really hard but I can't get him out of my mind...

[nerdy_guy]

Im sorry that it has come to this. I assumed both of you sends messages to each other before you unfriended him. That was my basis. If that is the case, then you seek proper closure with him. Don't leave things hanging like they are now. If you just assume things are over without proper closure you'll be more miserable because you'll always think of what might have been. To close things, its better you send him one last message or an email. Be honest, tell him you unfriended him by mistake. Then tell him that you're not sure of what is going on between the both of you and where you stand in his life. And if there really is nothing left worth fighting for then he should say so, so you can move on

[Hooo!]

So just to get this right: he is scared of his feelings for you because he has been badly hurt
You are scared because you have fallen for him and don't want to get hurt too

And then you decided to cut contact?
I know there is more in this thread but I haven't read the whole thing yet. I just want to clarify if I get this right first.

[Helpmesavethis]

So just to get this right: he is scared of his feelings for you because he has been badly hurt
You are scared because you have fallen for him and don't want to get hurt too

And then you decided to cut contact?
I know there is more in this thread but I haven't read the whole thing yet. I just want to clarify if I get this right first.

Yes and no. We were both all in full force for 8 weeks straight. He did a complete turnaround and when confronted, he said he felt pressured but not by me, by himself.. I asked what he wanted me to do? How could I help him, did he just want to quit, what? He kept telling me he didn't know what to do so I told him we needed to just quit. I couldn't go on developing feelings for him with him being uncertain. He said he understood and respected that. I text him 24 hours later telling him I hope he had a good day and that I missed him. He responded immediately saying he did, thanks, he hoped I did too. I haven't heard from him since. It's been 10 days. I wasn't scared but if he were to contact me, I'm scared of this happening again. I do want to be with him and I specifically told him that during our last conversation.

[Hooo!]

So if you don't want to be with him -
Because he is just too scarred and needs time to learn to love and trust you - and you don't have contact anymore then
What exactly is the problem?

[Helpmesavethis]

So if you don't want to be with him -
Because he is just too scarred and needs time to learn to love and trust you - and you don't have contact anymore then
What exactly is the problem?

I DO want to be with you him. I just said I'm scared of this happening again but I DO want to be with him. Not sure if you read it wrong or what but I would love to work this out more than anything. And I tried to initiate contact which he did respond to but nothing from either of us since.

[Hooo!]

So you do want to work this out but you are scared of getting hurt?

[Helpmesavethis]

So you do want to work this out but you are scared of getting hurt?

Yes, I want to work it out. I'm already hurt. I'm a miserable mess. I'm not sure where you're going except to maybe show that he feels the same way? Afraid of getting hurt? But still wants to work it out? I have no idea. I don't know what to do but it's only getting worse for me. I can't seem to wrap my head around how everything was so great and then bam... Done... Or what seems to be done..

[nerdy_guy]

I can't seem to wrap my head around how everything was so great and then bam... Done... Or what seems to be done..

Its not your fault so you need to stop thinking about what happened. Just remind yourself that he has gone through a lot before and since you already have an idea of how he is feeling right now, just let it go. Like i said, Just send him a message, email or call him. ask him if there is still something worth holding on to, and that you don't know where you exactly stand in his life, so you just want to clarify things so you'll know if there is something worth fighting for or start moving on. Make it simple, don't say things any more than what is required otherwise you'll never find the answer you seek. If he gives you an answer that will just muddy the waters, then that is the time you tell him that you don't deserve an unclear answer, and you wish to close this chapter of your life with him and move on. Life is sometimes cruel, both of you opened up your hearts to each other and he knows you're also vulnerable, if he failed to see your vulnerability and focused solely on his own fears, that does not make him the bad guy in this case (not all cases are the same). It is just that he probably put more food on his plate and now he's thinking he can't finish all of it (i hope that made sense to you).

[Hooo!]

Yes this is exactly eher im going at
You are very likely both just stupid

Because you are both afraid to trust commit and love you have done the very thing you both feared
You hurt each other

The good news is that a good talk and a decision for each other is a possible way to just end all of that needless drama

Love hurts sometimes. That is the way it is. And also it is beautiful. You both can have it together if you both just stop and think what you want
And tell that honestly and openly to each other

[Helpmesavethis]

Yes this is exactly eher im going at
You are very likely both just stupid

Because you are both afraid to trust commit and love you have done the very thing you both feared
You hurt each other

The good news is that a good talk and a decision for each other is a possible way to just end all of that needless drama

Love hurts sometimes. That is the way it is. And also it is beautiful. You both can have it together if you both just stop and think what you want
And tell that honestly and openly to each other

Ok, but in your opinion... What's the right way to approach this?!?!

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Probably feeling like, "its over.. she's done with me!"

Eh, you're fine. He knows how to reach you if he wants to talk to you anyways. This wouldn't stop him, if anything, it will just push him towards apologizing about things when/if he chooses to reach out.

I need your level headed advice on this.... Seek out for closure or let it be? Or am I rushing it??

[GLYC]

Well, you need to decide how long you can wait and if you can deal with ambiguity. Can you wait for months longer down the road? You need to focus on your needs. I think that's important. I wouldnt settle for less. A man that wants you badly would be open to hearing about it, and would want to keep you around, wouldn't he? You want someone who wants to jump fences to be with you, not someone that's just standing there.

And hey, you can hang out with this guy for a while, there's nothing stopping you from doing that. Course, you're attached and it sounds like it's causing you to be in pain and what you want is exclusivity. So I think that would probably cause more pain. So i dont think I'd recommend it.

Has he reached out to you at all since,you've both stopped talking?

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Well, you need to decide how long you can wait and if you can deal with ambiguity. Can you wait for months longer down the road? You need to focus on your needs. I think that's important. I wouldnt settle for less. A man that wants you badly would be open to hearing about it, and would want to keep you around, wouldn't he? You want someone who wants to jump fences to be with you, not someone that's just standing there.

And hey, you can hang out with this guy for a while, there's nothing stopping you from doing that. Course, you're attached and it sounds like it's causing you to be in pain and what you want is exclusivity. So I think that would probably cause more pain. So i dont think I'd recommend it.

Has he reached out to you at all since,you've both stopped talking?

[Helpmesavethis]

Well, you need to decide how long you can wait and if you can deal with ambiguity. Can you wait for months longer down the road? You need to focus on your needs. I think that's important. I wouldnt settle for less. A man that wants you badly would be open to hearing about it, and would want to keep you around, wouldn't he? You want someone who wants to jump fences to be with you, not someone that's just standing there.

And hey, you can hang out with this guy for a while, there's nothing stopping you from doing that. Course, you're attached and it sounds like it's causing you to be in pain and what you want is exclusivity. So I think that would probably cause more pain. So i dont think I'd recommend it.

Has he reached out to you at all since,you've both stopped talking?

- - - Updated - - -

Well, you need to decide how long you can wait and if you can deal with ambiguity. Can you wait for months longer down the road? You need to focus on your needs. I think that's important. I wouldnt settle for less. A man that wants you badly would be open to hearing about it, and would want to keep you around, wouldn't he? You want someone who wants to jump fences to be with you, not someone that's just standing there.

And hey, you can hang out with this guy for a while, there's nothing stopping you from doing that. Course, you're attached and it sounds like it's causing you to be in pain and what you want is exclusivity. So I think that would probably cause more pain. So i dont think I'd recommend it.

Has he reached out to you at all since,you've both stopped talking?

That's what I think too... If he wanted to be with me so much, then why isn't he contacting me?? I'm worth it. I'm a good, honest, caring, understanding person and yes, I want more than just hanging out. I made that perfectly clear to him from day 1. And he said he wasn't out for anything just physical or temporary either. No, I have not heard a peep from him. And yes, I'm hurting. I did good for a few days then back to where I was crying all the time and I can't get him out of my head. Then I did good again this weekend for a few days but I've been a little emotional today but not as bad. He doesn't leave my mind no matter how hard I try.