Fear of commitment

[Helpmesavethis]

I have been dating this guy for 8 amazing weeks. He has been "waiting" for me to be single since November. I have been since March, he reached out to me in June, we stated dating in July. He was full force all about the relationship. Driving hours to see me, sending me sweet messages about how he had fallen for me, making future plans with me etc. All of the sudden this week he changed. When confronted, he said he felt pressured... Not by me, but himself. He said he doesn't have a good track record and he's scared to death. I asked what he wanted to do, how I could help him etc and he kept saying he didn't know what to do. He said he wants to be with me but again, he's scared to death... I told him it wasn't fair to me to continue this if he's so unsure about things. I have fallen for him and I don't want to just hurt myself more. He had a very very ugly divorce and I was told a few months ago randomly that he was anti dating. I didn't experience that with him at all and now this... I want to be with him but I don't want to pressure him anymore than he already feels. I have not contacted him (it's been 16 hours) and dont plan to but then again, should I? What do I do?!?!

[Helpmesavethis]

My best friend convinced me to text him. Her philosophy was if he was hurt by all these other women, then I needed to prove I wasn't them... So I did. I said just so you know... I miss you... Hope you had a good day. His response was immediate and said I did thanks, hope your day was good also... So no emotion from him. Confirms I need to move on in my mind. Made me feel better about it all. Like it was some sort of closure.

[GLYC]

Well, I think your idea with there being no emotions from him is a bit off possibly in that text.
Sometimes us men just talk like that I guess.

But ultimately you need to go for what you want.
If he doesn't want to commit or isn't looking for the same things as you, then you need to find someone who is.
Its not your idea to fix him. Tell him what you want and tell him to get in touch with you if he ever feels the same.

[Helpmesavethis]

I need a man's perspective... Thank you. I'm on another form and women are ripping my butt for contacting him. I didn't reply back to him and I was very nice and tried to be understanding in the original conversation... What is your take on that?? Did he not ever have any interest or?? Women are saying I was a prize to be won and once he got me... He didn't want me anymore. Wasn't a challenge enough. I am 37 & him 35 for the record. I really like this guy... Help... Thank you

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And he knows I want to be with him. It was left at me telling him the ball is in his court.. I want him but I could not go on developing more feelings for him if he wasn't sure about things... He said he understood and respected that.... He just kept saying he didn't know what to do...

[GLYC]

You're fine for contacting him. Don't beat yourself up over that. You were just being sweet and nice.

He had interest, he probably just dosent know what he wants, he sounds a little emotionally unavailable, and who knows what else or who else is involved with his life. He's probably having second thoughts due to his divorce as well, maybe he's just thinking about that right now and isn't sure if he wants to go through with things. And. Sometimes guys bounce off, women do it too.

There's nothing left for you to say. I'm sorry.
You told him the ball is in his court. When I'm in this situation with women, I do the same thing, I just tell them that I really enjoyed being with them and for them to let me know if they ever feel the same. After that? Well, I have to assume it's over forever. Sometimes they get back to me, and others i will never hear from again. It hurts. But that's part of loving is being vulnerable.

I wouldnt reach out again. You were fine with your response, dont beat yourself up over that, you were just speaking your truth.
But now he knows where you stand and what you want.
Constantly reaching out after this point can just make you lose face, or prevent you from looking to the future.

And too easy? Nonsense. You were together for 8 weeks. That's common for people to enter into relationships by that point, you're just speaking your truth and being authentic. You communicated your needs, good job. That's essential.

[Helpmesavethis]

Thanks so much for your advice. I won't contact him again. I do feel better after texting him, even thought it wasn't the response I wanted... But he did respond right away so... And I know he's emotionally damaged from his divorce but I thought it had been long enough and he was so forward and seemed so sure about things that this wouldn't be an issue... I was honestly shocked and blind side by the whole conversation but I'm glad to know now so I don't have more time and emotions wrapped up in it...

[GLYC]

Yeah, it's always hard when that happens. Things feel like they're great, you start to get this inner story in your mind and all of a sudden?

What the ****. Dude, stop ruining the love story! Just keep going with things!

The reality is things with that divorce will be with him forever. He needs to work that through and realize that he can't let things like that affect the things with the people he now has in his life.

You have a great attitude, even while you're experiencing all of this stress you're focused on what you need to focus on by being objective. You know what you want, and right now this guy can't provide you with that. Which who knows, maybe one day he will be back and things will work out.

[Helpmesavethis]

Thanks so much. While it isn't necessarily what I want to hear, it's what I need to hear. I needed an unbiased man's perspective. I truly appreciate you replying. As much as it hurts, I'm going to go on with my life and if he comes back and I'm available, maybe we can work it out, maybe not.

[nerdy_guy]

It would have been nice if both of you can talk about it face to face. but it seems like he's not ready. i understand that its hard when people get emotiionally invested. Emotionally damaged people can heal, its not a problem. And depending on the person, some need to be alone to figure things out while others prefer a helping hand. you know him better than than we do so it is up to your judgement which kind of person he is. if he hasn't truly opened up his past to you and he's saying all these things. then i'd say he's looking for an assurance A LOT of assurance that he won't get hurt this time. for your defense, just make sure he's not making a fool out of you by playing the victim card

[Helpmesavethis]

I would love to talk to him face to face about it.. He lives almost 2 hours away and it was a weeknight and I had my daughter or else I probably would have driven to straight to him.... I feel like I gave him assurance. Maybe not?!? And then by texting him I was hoping to give him more assurance.

[nerdy_guy]

So talking in person is still possible with the two of you then. Not all is lost if that's the case. if you don't mind, what did you tell him via text as an assurance? IF your are unsure about giving him assurance then its possible there isn't much substance to your message. It is still better to be able to talk in person, assuring someone in person is still different from just a faceless message. i'll tell you now, this will be an uphill battle for you, probably a very steep one at that, and that is without the assurance of reaching the top. Think things over very clearly before embarking on your journey

[Helpmesavethis]

I sent him quotes and text about how I felt about him every single day. I flat out told him I wanted to be with him. When I text him, I just told him I missed him and hoped he had a good day. His response to me was he had a good day and he hoped I did too. I haven't heard from him since and that was about 36 hours ago... I don't want to scare or make him feel pressured more by continuing to contact him so??? And I don't want to look like a fool or that I'm begging him either because that is not what I want to do. I like this guy a lot but if he just isn't ready or is done, I can and will move on.

[GLYC]

I think you're good, you got your message across. If he can't figure out that you're into him based on that, well, he's brain dead and there is no longterm relationship potential.

Also, in regards to this guy's past. It is NOT your job to fix somebody. I would let him go. If he figures it out, cool. But otherwise, I'd say he's just unavailable for what you need.

[nerdy_guy]

I sent him quotes and text about how I felt about him every single day. I flat out told him I wanted to be with him. When I text him, I just told him I missed him and hoped he had a good day. His response to me was he had a good day and he hoped I did too. I haven't heard from him since and that was about 36 hours ago... I don't want to scare or make him feel pressured more by continuing to contact him so??? And I don't want to look like a fool or that I'm begging him either because that is not what I want to do. I like this guy a lot but if he just isn't ready or is done, I can and will move on.

Quotes doesn't exactly help. its very... pedestrian? and it sounds impersonal. everybody receives them. in terms of food, its like microwaving something storebought for him instead of making something homecooked from scratch. i think you understand what im trying to say here. I think your approach towards this matter just needs to change. its a bit hard to explain. this might sound old but be "consistent, but not too persistent", start with that. Maybe he feels a bit rushed? If you compare this to driving a car, the choice on your mind is either push the gas all the way or none at all. That's not suppose to be the way right? ease up a bit... but be there for him.

I wouldn't exactly see him as broken, maybe complicated. he just needs to sort things out. There is a good chance he doesn't need fixing (don't fix him), he just needs a lot of patience from you and for you to be a bit more understanding. But here is the thing, how much time and patience is worth investing in him is up you. There is a time for everything, a time to stay with him, and a time to let go if nothing changes

[Helpmesavethis]

I'm going with GLYC. I feel like he KNOWS how I feel about him. I feel like I have made it more than clear. I told him the ball is in his court. I told him I wanted to be with him. I reached out to him after the initial conversation. It's his turn to reach out to me. If not, I'll move on. Sucks but it's life. Blah...