Girl is in love with me but lives with her boyfriend in another country

[Terence28]

At the beginning of this year I met a girl online, we immediately hit it off and would speak in an online group chat that included her boyfriend. We also started to private message online, snapchat and WhatsApp and it got to a point where we would speak all day everyday.

We even started to call each other but this was stopped quickly by her boyfriend who lives with her as she told me I was the first person he's ever been jealous about due to me and the lady's connection.

That's the thing, the connection we have Is incredible, I have never experienced anything like it in my life (I'm 26 btw). We are yet to meet in person as she lives in another country (about an hours flight away). The synchronisties and coincidences when we spoke etc were phenomenal, which told me this wasn't just a random thing. She told me she felt it too and that I was a 'danger to her relationship' as if she could 'start fresh' she would pick me and if we ever met in person and she felt the same spark she would be single straight away.

The day after she told me this she messaged me saying that she spoke to her boyfriend and decided to try and 'fix' their relationship and asked that we speak less and only in the group chat. I told her I couldn't do that and would have to walk away and not speak at all andwave the group. I did this and she got very upset, begging me to come back and later told me had been crying all the time, even in front of her boyfriend. Checking her phone to see if I had messaged all day were etc. After a few days of this she messaged me telling me all this and how she felt. Telling me that she loved me and just wanted time to think about things and what she wanted to do.

I told her I could give her some time but that if she didn't choose me I would have to walk away for good.

After a few weeks of still messaging daily she asked that we speak less as it was difficult to think about thinks while talking to me all day everyday. I agreed with this and so we stopped speaking for a week or two other than a message she sent of a quote about soul mates to me.

Then basically after a couple of weeks I broke up with my girlfriend (oh yes I forgot to mention I was with someone too at the time) after realising it couldn't work with me feeling this way for someone else. I told this girl that I had ended it with my girlfriend and that I was going to go away and work on myself etc and maybe someday we would meet again when she is single. She responded saying we might meet again someday etc and that was the end of us speaking for almost 2 months.

However, now due to a trip with my work, I will be visiting her country in the next few weeks or so and I would really like to meet her. Today I phoned her for a catch up and to ask if she would meet up but she wouldn't answer her phone saying she couldn't answer. But asked what was up and I responded with 'just had something to tell you that's all' she asked why I couldn't type it and then asked me how I was doing. So I was obviously pretty gutted that she couldn't answer the phone but it was nice of her to ask how I was doing.



I apologise for the essay but that's pretty much in a nutshell my situation but I will mention a few other things...........usually I would just walk away from something like this but like I said the connection between us is incredible. She lives with her boyfriend yes but I don't believe she is truly happy. Like I said she once told me she wanted to 'fix' things with him as they weren't good. She told me how he was pretty neglecting and very unaffectionate to her. She would text me all night while lying in bed with him while he was on his phone too and things like that.

We both told each other how we felt a while ago and how she had thought about being with me but she would always say that the distance was an issue, more so than her boyfriend. She would always mention the sea between us as a reason for not being together. But as I told her it is only an hour by plane and with a connection this deep we would make it work, even if I moved over there to be with her.

Again sorry for the essay just had to get it off my chest. I'm not entirely sure of my question I wana ask but I suppose it is, how can I convince her to meet up with me soon?

Thanks all, really appreciate you taking the time to read this

[nerdy_guy]

Relationships like these always feels incredible especially when both parties are not happy with their current partners, then it fizzles out to nothing. This is an very difficult situation for you since you're going into a long distance relationship. And seems like she's trying to fix the current relationship she has so, if you think pursuing her is the best thing for you then by all means continue on whatever you're doing. but like i said, it will be very difficult. i remember a member here who more or less had the same situation as you and it didn't go quite well for him. im not saying it will be the same for you but, if it falls apart, its gonna be very painful. LDR's are very resource intensive in every sense of the word, not to mention the trust issues

[Terence28]

Thank you for your response Nerdy_Guy Yeah I know what you mean, I've been in situations like this before, however like I said this is somehow different, its like 100 times more intense, we both admitted that to one another. As for the long distance, it doesn't bother me too much, I should have mentioned my relationship I just ended was a 5 year long distance one also, 2 hours away which isn't too far but to me it's not much difference with this girl. Her biggest worry was always our distance and I totally understand that, she even said to me she had thought about it and pictured us once a month travelling back to my home to visit my family if I moved to her. Plus I told her other than my family and friends I have no real ties to home, I will be moving on from my job soon and preferably don't want to work in this country anyway.

The thing is of course it pains me that I am not with her right now, but it also pains me incredibly so that she is so unhappy but is still just going along you know? She has been through a lot and is incredibly brave, I just want her to be brave now, change her life and do what makes her happy.

I really really want to meet up with her when I visit, I will be literally in the next town over from her, we spoke of meeting up when we were still talking (so we would know how we feel for certain). It's just now I don't think her boyfriend lets her even message me anymore as she doesn't seem to respond while she is with him. I just want to see her in person you know, then I'll know for certain haha

[Terence28]

Ok 3rd time writing this as it keeps logging me out........

Sorry slack jaw but I have no idea what you are talking about........

Update:

Basically I spoke to her on Thursday and it it started nice and light few jokes and things bit then she suddenly said that she hadn't heard from me in over a month and I was acting like her best friend as if nothing happened and that she found it uncomfortable. Then she said she gave me the space I asked for and not she wanted space. So I said I came back to see how she was and asked her about meeting up with me on her trip..........she declined saying she told me that she chose her bf ages ago before I walked away a d broke up with my gf........I said that she had said that ages ago so I walked away the first time but then she begged me back saying that she loved me and that the last time we spoke she said she needed time to decide what she really wanted. She also mentioned that she never asked me to break up with my gf (don't know why she said that, I told her the break up wasn't for her but because connection with her like we had showed my my relationship with my gf at the time wasn't right).

Anyway, She basically started denying ever having feelings for me and saying I was a friend all along. Which I said we both know is untrue.

I explained that I wanted to just forget the past and meet up just to hang out for a while and share a laugh together, I just wanted to see her face. Then she said she felt 'scared' and that I was 'pushing' her even though I was just trying to explain why I wanted to meet up. This was strange as she knows me well and knows I certainly am not like that.

Then she switched and started asking me all about my trip and being friendly again but suddenly switched back to 'goodbye have a good trip and good life.'

So I replied ok that's fine if this is the end then I will tell you this one crazy thing that happend to me which is why I came back. I told her about a friend of mine who is psychic (hear me out) and who told me that she saw how unhappy she is and misses me but thinks that the distance makes it impossible so that she shuts away and hides her feelings but I should reach out to her, it was needed that I speak to her as it can be fixed. (I know it sounds so random but the things she said about her, looks, how she is treated by her bf etc are all accurate and things that the girl has told me etc)

Unsurprisingly she just laughed it off and said it was all wrong.

I said she told me to reach out so I have, don't shoot the messenger. Then she said goodbye again and I said ok but at least tell me why you want space (As her original reason was that she wanted space because it had been over a month since we spoke and it felt different) I also said if you have 0% feelings for me then you don't need space haha.

Then he said she feelslike she needs to block me to have peace (which again is bizarre as this was the first time we've properly spoke for ages and first time I've reached out to her. It was always her speaking to me here and there in chat rooms and things during that month away. Plus she knows I would give her the space she asked for)

The last I said then was that I wouldn't beg her back into my life. But then was the 'block' which she unblocked a few times throughout the day, probably to see if I had still messaged, but then I noticed that Twitter, snapchat etc had all been blocked.

So very confusing to me why she has seemingly turned on me. I know she missed me when I asked for the space and I wasn't pestering her in those messages, at least not enough to prompt a block, she knows me well and knows I'm not creepy like that and that I would give her space but she was acting like I was a weirdo or something. And acting like she never had feelings for me at all.

So confusing yeah haha

[madotnw_nihs]

Slackjaw is a spammer, so ignore all his posts.

She seems like she has some issues. Long distance would have been difficult anyway, so it's better this way.

[GLYC]

Girl is in love with me but lives with her boyfriend in another country

Stopped reading right there. Next. She's unavailable, find someone who is. In the meantime, if she reaches out just be nice.

[Terence28]

Thanks for your responses Madotnw and GLYC.

Madotnw yeah that's a fair point. The thing is is I've just come out of a long distance relationship for 5 years. So I'm used to it, plus as I told her I'm not majorly tied down here and shes really not that far away. I have friends who are thousands of miles away with their partners. So I know we could make it work. But I suppose for her it's daunting as she has lived with him for 4 years so being alone at home until we sort ourselves out would be scary for her.

GLYC, fair point also man and usually I would agree with you but the connection we shared was incredible and she told me how unhappy she was etc and how she would pick me if she could start 'fresh'. I broke up with my gf because I realised connecting with someone else as intensly as this meant that I wasn't in the right relationship you know?

[GLYC]

Terrence, I get that you have a great connection that's awesome, it is important to feel that spark, so she will likely hit you up when/if her relationship fails. Don't be the guy that tries to get in between relationships, just let her go. Once the relationship ends, she'll be back. You need to respect others relationship titles. A real man would, and he wouldn't wait. He would say, hey, this is a great woman, if she becomes single, I'd gladly go out with her. But since she isnt? She's unavailable so I need to find someone who is.

If you get her to leave her relationship, who is to say the same won't happen to you when your relationship goes sideways? Or she becomes unhappy? Because it does happen at times, no matter how great of a guy you may be, there are times where we end up getting complacent, disagreements happen and we make mistakes. It's part of being human, of course, we can recover from it. But some people do start to shop around per say during those moments versus working it out, or will just leave the relationship altogether.

Honestly, I think she would respect you more with this approach anyways and be even more drawn to you.

[Terence28]

Thanks GLYC you are right. That is why when she first told me that she wanted to fix it with him I said I understand and I walked away. It broke her heart and she begged me back and told me she loved me and everything and just needed time to decide what she wanted to do (she's had a rough year too so wanted to digest all that as well).

Then we carried on speaking etc but the she asked for more space to 'think' and asked me speak less often privately but still in our group chat. I said I was thinking the same thing. The following day she sent me a quote about soul mates slave had seen and had told me about a few weeks before. But we hardly spoke then and week or two later she went mad at me as I wasn't speaking in the group chat either.

Next day I broke up with my ex and then messaged the girl to tell her and said I'm going to take time for myself etc etc get in touch if you are ever single.

So I agree with you yeah it is the right thing to do. I just don't understand how she's suddenly seemed to turn on me and deny everything you know? And I alao feel bad for her as a person as I know she is unhappy but may be just afraid to e d things with him you know?

I really appreciate you guys advice, thanks again

[pcmaster]

Dont they all tell how bad their partner are, how good you are. Classic story. In the end of the day you are a third wheel who always get hurt or at a loss cause they stay with their longterm partners. In rare cases they dump partner and goes to you only for things to not work cause excitement is gone as it was in double forbitten relationship.
She really might had feelings for you but as old rule says - what she does for you she will do to you. So you could end in same situation as other guy.

[Hooo!]

I don't understand
You both had obviously some attraction and connection

Just to get it over with the natural step would be to just meet

This would give everyone the possibility to decide where your life's will go

If she has decided against you for good then possibly not
As this seems (with the information you have provided) not to be the case your very existence impairs her relationship.
This will not get worse if you finally meet each other.

You both have difficult decisions to take. She (or you) may whish that this wasn't the case and that everyone could just move on.
Well they can - but this is a decision that has To be made.

If I take decisions I normally try to find out for or against what I am deciding.

No one can ignore feelings. You can change them or they change over time.
Just pretending they aren't there is seldomly a good way to go in my experience.


Ps a note on the sideline. If u explain this to her (as you might):
Use less words

[Terence28]

You are right Hooo!

When we were talking all day every day we both agreed that we needed to meet up to know for sure. She told me that for her she needs to physically be with someone to feel the 'spark' however a short while after that she felt the 'spark after a text I sent her which she said she had never experienced before haha. (Shows the kind of insane connection we have)

But a little while later when I mentioned the possibility of me visiting nearby she seemed unsure about meeting up. When I asked her said said she didn't know if she wanted to meet. Even though when I mentioned where I was going before asking, she said 'so close' and then told me the exact time distance she was away by car and train which she had googled haha.

And that's for the advice, yeah I would say it in less words........however, I am blocked for the time being haha.

PCMASTER - you are rigjt, I totally understand that and was always aware of that throughout. Which is why I walked away as I didn't want to hang arou d waiting for 'scraps from the table' She would be getting physical attention from him and the rest fulfilled from me (As she told me, I completed her). So I walked away with the idea that if she realised she wanted me she would come to me........I just don't understand how she is seeming so mad at me now, like she had turned on me. Makes not much sense.

Thanks again guys

[Snow White]

What the two of you had was a fantasy for her. It was safe and fulfilling because she felt there was a safe distance between you two. She could use you as an escape from her boyfriend without actually giving up the security of having him. We all may have complaints about our significant others and it is nice to have someone to listen to us and tell us how wonderful we are.

When you told her you were available to actual meet with her, her fantasy became reality. She simply wasn't ready for that no matter what she had told you in the past. It is very safe to open up to a stranger and let them in just enough to make us feel that someone else cares and sympathizes with us. Maybe she is angry because you have destroyed her little dream life and have called her on the reality of all of it which she didn't expect.

[Hooo!]

Well you are blocked because either
She thinks you are shit now
A reason I don't see now
Or because she's afraid that she's fall for you and right now she wants to continue with her current partner

Which is all very fine.
It is her decision if she wants to meet or no
You can still call her or send her a letter
However I would not bother her in any way besides offering.

Yes shit is scary but that's just the way it is