Jewelry from her Ex

[SMT203]

Hi Ladies,

Having a bit of a challenging time at the moment, and wanted some female advice and point of view please.

It's a bit lengthy so bear with me...

I have been with my partner for just over a year. She has talked about her ex extensively and we still continue to discuss him and a lot of incidences and attitudes of his while they were together. The overview is that although there were good times, he was a difficult partner, who verbally tortured her a lot for things she did, didn't do, said and didn't say and the way she interacted with people.

She occasionally she's him at a weekly event she goes to, and doesn't want a close friendship with him but is happy to say hi, and occasionally chat on the phone if he initiates it, but tells me she doesn't initiate contact with him. Which I trust and believe.

She saw him this week at the event and said that he seemed troubled. She said that he contacted her afterwards to explain and has had bad news and isn't doing well. She explained she is worried he is reaching out to her, as he was wearing a matching necklace that he had made for them both. When she described the necklace, I knew which one it was as she was wearing it often for about the first six months of our relationship.

Here's the thing....
1. I didn't know the necklace was from him, as when I first saw it and commented on it, she said a friend had given her an element of the piece and she had gone and had it made into a necklace.
2. It's not just a piece of jewelry from the ex, they are matching pieces.
3. We've had sex while she was wearing it (at the time I had no idea of the details I know now)
4. I'm confident if I was wearing a piece of jewelry from an ex, she would be quite hurt, offended and take it as a sign of disrespect to her.

I'm having difficulty with this.
I would love some women's insight on what I have written.

Thanks,
- S

[Snow White]

Well. I agree with you. When you have a breakup, a piece of jewelry with that type of significance should no longer be in the picture,and the fact that she lied to you about it when you asked her is not a good sign either.
I have always had great respect for people who can stay civil and respectful towards each other during a break up but, in my opinion, the break up happened for a reason and unless there are children involved, I can't see any expectations of being friends necessary. Still talking about him after a year of it being over seems odd and having phone conversations still with him especially after describing him as someone who verbally "tortured" her (that's a very strong word), is even weirder.

As a woman, I can understand her feeling concern for him and maybe even the need to help him, BUT he is not her responsibility. I feel like he is reaching out to her because, consciously or not by taking his calls and etc., she has led him to believe she is still available to him.

You don't want to seem cold, but I can understand how you are feeling. If she truly fears for him, perhaps she can steer him in the way of some therapy. I really don't think it would be healthy for him if she stayed in his life She needs to cut all ties and you can say this without coming off as jealous or threatened. He needs to be able to move on and by her being so easily available, it makes it harder for him.

Even though she wasn't honest in the beginning about the necklace, it seems like she is being open and honest with you now. Yes? I would say don't be hard on her for being concerned and wanting to help him. That is the mother in us. But like I said, her best intentions aren't good for him.