heeelp please

[Jinny]

Heeelp someone, please!
Being with someone for 4 years, means u know him better than u should..Unless u r stuck with a psyco-two-faced maniac! My crazy bf broke up with me (again), and then called to say he wants me, we won't break up, he loves me..blah blah blah. He can't decide if he wants me in his life? And he's supposed to be the mature one
Serously now, I'm his x-student, his friend, his lover, his secretary (without salary of course!), my wildest dream is to be also the mother of his child, I don't want marriage or anything, and I don't mind his seing other women, i obey his every command, and he plays with my feelings like crazy. I'm really addicted to him and i d do anything for him.
In a few days, in Halloween actually,we happen to have a 4-year anniversary. For some reason this freaked him out. He says we r together for too long, it's enough, that I should find a boy of my own age, that he won't commit, he has no time for love in his messed up life etc. Do u think he says these cause he needs reasurance? I made it clear that I don't want commitment, that I don't mind if he cheats, abuses or neglects me, that i don't want to be 'normal' for society. All I want is to be with him. Under whatever terms he desires.
When we go out i pay for what I spend, so he has realised i have no 'interest' to be with him, and keeps telling me to get away, that i m stuck cause he s my first. Not because he deserves love. His first wife was the only one he stayed a long time with. Other girlfriends lasted for a few months and he's convinced we all women r maneaters! His x-es have hurt him a lot. But he's too much of a macho man to feel intimidated by a 24-year-old who worships him like a god.
I'm very confused. Sometimes he treats me bad and tells me to leave him. I do. I leave him alone but then he calls back and says he misses me and I'm all he has. What's going on? Does this mean he considers me 'better than loneliness' or he feels pity for hurting me with a break up? On the other hand, he's a weird person who has no friends, hates crowds and likes isolation. And hurting me isn't a problem, he's doing it all the time and I'm starting to like his sadistic nature!
Can anyone understand? He's sending many different vibes. When he doesn't go crazy over getting rid of me or keeping me, he asks me a lot of questions about my views on marriage, kids, baby names, if and how I'd like to marry and where, details about raising a child etc.
He wants to commit or break up? Why do we even have to start a new phase and not stay as we r? 4 years is a long time, i know, but i m happy the way things r, im afraid to change sth. And I don't understand. Whatever he wants i'll accept. And he knows all I want is his satisfaction. But what is it that he wants after all?

[Junsui]

Seriously, what is wrong with you? That's fine if you don't care about being "normal" for society, but have some self respect. Please don't bring a child into this relationship.

[Tone]

I agree with the previous post.

[Jinny]

self respect is something I've lost long time ago. At the first months of our relationship, I was the one telling him to break up cause i saw how dominating he was. But he never let go of me. And as the years passed i got used to it and learnt to enjoy it. So i know ur right but im too addicted to follow logic. He knows I m too weak to resist him and exploits it.
The point is, how can i satisfy a man who does not know what satisfies him?

[Tone]

You can't satisfy anyone if you can't satisfy yourself.

This kind of story makes me sad, but not in a sympathetic way. Jinny: You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themself.

[Jinny]

I asked for a break cause i can't take it anymore. He says ok, but in fact doesn't let me forget him even for a day. Keeps calling, with new terms and conditions i must follow if i want to still b with him. eg how to dress, what to order when we r out, what friends to talk to, etc.
I told him to find another girl, who won't need to b changed to like her. And he insists he wants me, to alter me a bit here and there, because i belong to him. Ahh he's like a drug

[Junsui]

You will never have him how you want. He doesn't even respect you. You can't satisfy him fully and never will. Such an abusive relationship and you say you had self respect a long time ago, yet you told him to break up with you instead of doing it yourself?

Tone, I agree with you, this does make me very sad.

[Jinny]

well he always had the upper hand. U c he s much much older, used to b my prof and I ve never being with any other man.
It makes u sad? As in ..pity? Oh please.. no pity guys. I like what I get. My problem isn't the abuse, it's not knowing how to please him. If he wishes me to go through fire, i will.
Ok so im no modern woman with feministic ideas. Im 24 but still..
Oh just shoot me on the head to be freed!

[Tone]

You know why he wants you? Cause normal girls won't put up with this kind of BULLSHIT! He knows he has you wrapped around his finger, if you honestly want to do the best thing here for yourself, cut contact from him and cut him out your life no matter what it takes. Even if you have to tell him no 974,304 times per day, do just that.

That's all I'm gonna say, no matter what excuses you come up with to why you should stay or how hard it will be or how great your boyfriend is when he's not being a controlling assclown - you can come back here to my response to what you should do.

Get.

Out.

There are men out there who won't put you through that kind of crap. Men that will love you for you and respect you enough to let you make your decisions for yourself and not try to control what you do in life. Also - before you pull the "Well we've been together for 4 years - I don't want to throw everything away!" line that we commonly see - what's worse, to get out of a SHITTY relationship after 4 years, or to stay in a SHITTY relationship after 4 years and stay unhappy with a jerkoff like that?

We can give you advice on what we hear from your story, but you have to remember this is YOUR LIFE - only YOU can change it.

[Junsui]

Ok, well whatever. Do what you want, but don't ask a question about how can you satisfy him because apparently nothing since you have done everything and he still is not satisfied with just you. The only thing I could see helping would be to get him into therapy, but I know that won't happen.

[shh!]

I couldn't possibly be more disgusted so early in the morning. I must go drink a gallon of coffee to recover, but first I leave you with one little bit of wisdom which I hope will be received in the spirit I intended: Grow a backbone. He won't respect you because you don't respect yourself.

[Tone]

I like what I get. My problem isn't the abuse, it's not knowing how to please him. If he wishes me to go through fire, i will.

This is pointless. What help did you want? We're not going to teach you how to be less than a human being to someone and how to properly take orders from master.

The women here on LF are self-respecting, strong, and intelligent - the world you live in is very twisted and distorted. You will get no reassurance from us, if you want help, you have to first admit you're in a bad situation.

From your story, it seems everyone in this thread knows you are, except you.

[Jinny]

Tone, thank u. I really appreciate the honesty of your advice.
As for therapy, I've mentioned it and he almost took my head off! He's certain that he's mister right, and all the others have a problem. I can say he never asked me if i m satisfied with him, if i want him to change sth. He automatically assumes he's perfect. Well maybe that's my fault for having him spoilt. Whatever.
So easier said than done. Didn't u ever get obsessed with someone?
Anyway i found someone just a bit older than me, who likes me for what i am and respects me, met him online. We went out a couple of times but then my 'master' got mad and ...u understand. U can't move away from such a man, only cut your throat to please him. Otherwise there's always a punishment, and unfortunately I ve a weakness to men in power so his power over me wraps me tighter in his net

[Jinny]

and im not stupid, i c my situation is messy. Im only human. Don't u have weaknesses?

[Junsui]

I'm not suprised he wouldn't want therapy. He doesn't think he's perfect and right because of you spoiling him. In fact, I would think he's actually very insecure. And no I can't say I have ever been obsessed with anyone. The closest would have been when I was 15 and very immature. Your "master"? You can get out of anything you want to, but I know if you leave this relationship you are going to repeat the same thing in your next. I strongly suggest YOU go in for therapy.