I am so confused about this relationship

**Janine8** · 02-10-17, 03:09 AM

So my boyfriend and I were together for 5 months. He told his family, friends, everyone about me (he rarely did this in his past, with other girlfriends). He was always saying how much he likes me, was so into me sexually, and was altogether so easy to fall in love with. Then one day, during a discussion about my future plans (a baby in 4 years), he freaked out and told me he does not love me. We broke up. Then he realised he missed me a lot and one week later we are back together. Except that we are "not naming" it anything. Which basically means we are monogamously with each other (I know for sure he is not into any other girl or is looking), like each other so much, is always hanging out together (not just for sex), having a lot of fun, and apparently the parents know that too!!! Am so confused. What is happening? Should I stop this relationship now?

To give an example, he is planning a short (1-2 day) vacation with me. But we are in an 'unnamed' relationship (he said he does not want to call it 'friends with benefits'.)

**Spinosaurus** · 07-10-17, 04:07 PM

Hi Janine8, you should assess how it makes you feel that this relationship is nameless and what that means to you. Is this something you are truly happy with and want to continue with? From you asking if you should call it quits I assume you are not happy with it, and I think that you (blinded by love) just accepted it so you can be with him. I mean, I think you are setting aside your boundaries of what you normally would not accept from someone, but for him you chose to ignore your values. That's probably why you feel unhappy about it. If it bothers you, he should know, and you should communicate that to him (in a kind manner of course).

Just to be clear, I am not telling you to end the relationship, that is up to you to decide. I wanted to give you something to consider. And if you feel you are okay with your relationship being in this nameless state and you don't want to end it, then why not just enjoy all your fun moments together as long as it lasts? You write you are having lots of fun with him and that's wonderful!

Either way, it is key to make sure you two are on the same page about your relationship (and what rules apply).

Also, I can understand that you shocked him with the idea of having a baby in four years! I would run too

haha! How old are you two, if I may ask?

Cheers!

**Janine8** · 07-10-17, 05:50 PM

Dear Spinosaurus, thank you for the reply. What you say makes sense. Actually 2 days ago we "officially" went back to bf and gf. I still do not see any future in this. He told me (when we broke up) that he does not live me. The last time he was in love was 6 years ago (with a girl whom he was in love when he was 16). I am enjoying the moment. But I do not know if I want to be with a man who will never love me and is stuck in the memories of a teenage love drama.

I am 32 and he is 33 by the way.

**Spinosaurus** · 08-10-17, 07:55 PM

Glad to read that your relationship is no longer an unpronounced concept between the two of you!

Are you convinced he genuinely meant it when he told you he does not love you? Or did he just say it "in the heat" of that moment?

What I think also makes it difficult is that you have a desire for children and he seems to have an aversion to the idea of having a child in four years (at least, in this moment of time). Talking about a desire for children in general would have made a big difference I would say, and you would still get to find out if this is a partner that qualifies to your ideas of future happiness. But do stay realistic, you are only together for a little over 5 months.

**Janine8** · 08-10-17, 08:15 PM

Originally Posted by Spinosaurus

Glad to read that your relationship is no longer an unpronounced concept between the two of you!

Are you convinced he genuinely meant it when he told you he does not love you? Or did he just say it "in the heat" of that moment?

What I think also makes it difficult is that you have a desire for children and he seems to have an aversion to the idea of having a child in four years (at least, in this moment of time). Talking about a desire for children in general would have made a big difference I would say, and you would still get to find out if this is a partner that qualifies to your ideas of future happiness. But do stay realistic, you are only together for a little over 5 months.

Thank you again, Spinosaurus. He told me he does not love me the morning after we broke up (we broke up in the evening of the night before). He did not say he loves me afterwards at any point. But he keeps saying how much he likes me, he wants to be a better bf, he misses me when I am not around, wants to dine, walk around, bike around etc with me etc. He is also very caring and concerned and does not want me to date other people or anything. He is not doing that either. And he is making plans about trips (okay, he said he he will try and book a trip for us. But it has not yet been done, since he is visiting his family). If he did not explicitly state he does not love me, I would have thought he does. In fact, until we broke up I was so sure he does.

The "children" talk probably did freak him out. Because according to his stories, the girl whom he loved (when he was 16 and again when he was 26) also wanted to have kids. He did not, even though he was so much in love with her. That is why she left him.

But he is so sure he was in love with her. And he said he knew it before he got together with her (So when he was 16). And in the cases of all other girls, it never happened. I dont know if his concept of love will always be stuck in what the 16 year old version of him thought.

Also, now that we are back together, I realise he did not tell his parents yet. They knew we were together and we broke up. So why is he not telling them we are back together?

**Spinosaurus** · 08-10-17, 10:54 PM

Originally Posted by Janine8

But he is so sure he was in love with her. And he said he knew it before he got together with her (So when he was 16). And in the cases of all other girls, it never happened. I dont know if his concept of love will always be stuck in what the 16 year old version of him thought.

Wow, that is an inconsiderate thing of him to say to you as his girlfriend.

Nevertheless, you indicate that you felt loved by him, he shows you many signs of affection, and that you have an amazing time together. Based on that, I think I would give the relationship some more time. :-)

**Janine8** · 09-10-17, 12:30 AM

Originally Posted by Spinosaurus

Wow, that is an inconsiderate thing of him to say to you as his girlfriend.

Nevertheless, you indicate that you felt loved by him, he shows you many signs of affection, and that you have an amazing time together. Based on that, I think I would give the relationship some more time. :-)

Yes, it was very inconsiderate. Also since he was the one who was asking for exclusivity etc. When he said that I felt like he misled me until that point (And hurt too, obviously.)

But yeah..I think I will give it more time as you suggest. Thank you.