What to do when there is no sex drive and passion in your partner?

[lostgirl31]

Hello. This is my first time writing on a forum. I've never reached out for help online before until now because I still feel very secretive about this. I am having a hard time facing this because I'm afraid of change I guess. But I am also in need of change. Before I get into what the issue is I would like to explain my relationship with my boyfriend.

The reason why I am so confused is because we seem perfect for each other in every other way. We have been dating for 2 years (almost) and for the majority of that time we have been living together. We were work friends before we started dating and at the time I had been in a bad relationship that I was trying to leave. The transition from going from my ex to my current boyfriend, Casey, had been a hard one for me. I will still emotionally hurt by my past relationship and Casey was there for me. He helped me to heal and to move on. If it wasn't for him, I don't know if I would have been able to make a clean break on my own. The ways in which the relationship with my ex didn't work (the lack of trust, emotional turbulence, miscommunication, dishonesty, and empty promises) are all non issues with Casey. In many more ways we are alike than I was with my ex. We have the same sense of humor, we share the same taste in movies, shows, music, food, we have similar values, share similar views on - dare I say - politics (not that I care much for politics) and we are both creatives - the good and the bad that comes from that...(we are a little on the sloppy side).

But despite all of that there was something that seems to be missing...and as much as I hate to admit it...I had that missing piece with my ex. I would never go back to my ex because of all the mistrust I have for him, but I can not deny the strong feelings and passion I felt for him. This is what seems to be lacking in my current relationship. Don't get me wrong...I love Casey very much, but my love feels more like a really strong friendship love rather than the...well...fairytale love that you read about in books or see on Outlander. (huge fan) That kind of love inspires you to be a better person and stirs up feelings of strong uncontrollable passion and makes you feel like you have this crazy strong connection with this person. The most passion I ever see come out of Casey is when he is eating something really delicious. When my mind is on sex...you could be sure his is on food. What are we going to have for breakfast?

I know that we could have a deeper and stronger relationship. I know that is something that we both want. The longer we go without having sex the less connected I feel to him. Sex in our relationship, has been like a reminder to me that there can be deeper, stronger feelings. But when we don't have sex in a while (as in a month and a half) then I feel not only not connected to him, but not connected to myself. I suppress my sexual energy because he is never in the mood and I don't even get turned on easily anymore. Now, we have talked about this several times. And I'm trying to be understanding, but it still hurts. His issue is that he is in physical pain all the time. He has pain in his hips, his elbows, his back...the list goes on and on and that kills his sex drive. I joke with him that he is an old man (although in a year he will be 40...so he's not a young man anymore) I don't wish to discuss his medical issues, but he is in a lot of pain all the time. He is working with a physical therapist and he "manages" the pain, but his sex drive is just not there. And he doesn't go the extra mile to heal himself either. I think he should be stretching more, exercising more, eating right and at least researching how else he can heal...but he doesn't do that. He is a very stubborn man and won't break from his routine and has never been proactive about his health.

The bottom line is that we struggle with intimacy and passion. I've heard that passion is something that usually fades in time, but to be honest, it wasn't that strong to begin with and now, not even 2 years of being together...its nonexistent. I am having a hard time thinking positively into our future. I find my mind drifting back to what I had with my ex and what I know is possible to feel with another man and wondering if I stay will I ever have that experience again? And also is it even worth it?! Because it may be hard not having that strong love connection all the time, but it also seems possibly even harder to find someone that you can have a harmonious relationship with, someone who supports you, takes care of you, centers you...and those are the things that I have with Casey - and that I truly value and know are at least worth fighting for. I need clarity. My mind goes back and forth constantly. Sometimes I wonder if there is someone else out there that could bring out the best in me and be my passionate lover. Casey and I have talked about getting married one day, but I honestly can't even imagine him proposing to me. It just feels like the inspiration to do something that romantic and final is not there. He is not exactly great in the romantic area...and I wonder all the time if it is just his personality? or is it just that he isn't moved enough in our relationship? I maybe don't bring that out in him. But I know from what his family and friends say that he has changed since being with me (for the better). And what if it is just his personality and he will never be romantic? (let me just distinguish the difference between romantic and mushy/affectionate - cause we are on the mushy side - apart from cuddling at night - which he will not do) I am a true romantic at heart. I like sweet somethings being whispered in my ear and knowing that my lover cannot live without me...it's not happening with this one...He's far too strong headed and independent and it's just not his style.

If you have made it this far in the post, I truly do appreciate you. I felt like the more I explained the better and clearer advise I am likely to get. Relationships are complicated and multifaceted and I like painting as close to a well-rounded picture as I can. There is a lot of good in our relationship, and yet I can't understand why my heart reaches for more? I feel like I do not have reasonable grounds in which to break up with him and move on, because like I said, there is a lot we have that is worth fighting for. And we do love each other very much, I just wish I could feel it stronger and more often. Maybe my flaw is in comparing my relationship to others out there and some that are even fictional...I would love to hear if anyone has had similar experiences to mine so I don't feel so alone in this. Has anyone had to deal with their significant other not having a sex drive and so early in the relationship? Or does anyone know what I'm talking about when I explain that the feelings are not as strong or maybe even buried and sexual feelings suppressed because the other is "not in the mood"? What do I do with these longings? I know he feels terrible about not being able to satisfy me in this area. Is there something I can do for him that would help us both to feel better about the situation? I want to talk about it more with him, but he doesn't like talking about it. And it is always an uncomfortable conversation. Is there hope for us? Has anyone personally experienced passion growing in their relationship over time instead of dwindling? Thank you in advance for your time and input. I truly appreciate it! Blessings

[madotnw_nihs]

I certainly have been with partners of various sex drives. Some were higher and some were lower, but I don't have experience with someone that is in constant physical pain that serves as the barrier. I am more interested in why he isn't self improving as you stated. Since it seems like he can improve his situation. Is it only that he is stubborn or lazy? Or do you think his sex drive is low to begin with. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Do you envision spending the rest of your life with him? I do think partners need to be sexually compatible. If you are not, it could lead to promiscuous activities. And like you said, it does act as a glue to the bond between you two.

[richiro]

my last relatoinship was with who i thought ot be a dream girl. we had a terrific time and were very compatible. and we were very attracted to each other. but the bedroom stank - even as beautiful as she was. eventually that was enough to call it over - and eventually it also revealed that it was just scratching the surface.

lack of fulfillment in the bedroom IS a foretelling that something isn't right. it could be something not so obvious like... selflessness, or true caring for one's self vs caring for one's partner's happiness (this was the case in my last relatoinship... when it came to happiness she had no capacity to consider anything but her own happiness.. and this is why sex failed in our bedroom...) it became a foretelling of her selfishness and need for things to always be her way - which for many months i couldn't tell she was that way b/c she was such a sweetheart.

but true colors an never hide forever. some people hide it for a long time.. some not as long.

in my way of seeing things.. the bedroom IS the difference between friends and partners.. so if it isn't happening in the bedroom - then you were meant to only be friends at most. and it doesn't even mean the pserson has to be GOOD in bed.. i feel like most people, if they can tell their partner carers about them and their pleasure and means well to pleasure them - that works and is often more than enough.

lack of bedroom fulfillment usualy means the other partenr doesnt' even care or it is important that their partner be fulfilled in the bedroom and that's a rather foretelling sign that will show up in many other facets as you go.

[pcmaster]

my last relatoinship was with who i thought ot be a dream girl. we had a terrific time and were very compatible. and we were very attracted to each other. but the bedroom stank - even as beautiful as she was. eventually that was enough to call it over - and eventually it also revealed that it was just scratching the surface.

lack of fulfillment in the bedroom IS a foretelling that something isn't right. it could be something not so obvious like... selflessness, or true caring for one's self vs caring for one's partner's happiness (this was the case in my last relatoinship... when it came to happiness she had no capacity to consider anything but her own happiness.. and this is why sex failed in our bedroom...) it became a foretelling of her selfishness and need for things to always be her way - which for many months i couldn't tell she was that way b/c she was such a sweetheart.

but true colors an never hide forever. some people hide it for a long time.. some not as long.

in my way of seeing things.. the bedroom IS the difference between friends and partners.. so if it isn't happening in the bedroom - then you were meant to only be friends at most. and it doesn't even mean the pserson has to be GOOD in bed.. i feel like most people, if they can tell their partner carers about them and their pleasure and means well to pleasure them - that works and is often more than enough.

lack of bedroom fulfillment usualy means the other partenr doesnt' even care or it is important that their partner be fulfilled in the bedroom and that's a rather foretelling sign that will show up in many other facets as you go.

Thats very interesting topic. Now I understand that might be the main reason why I never been in relationship.
I understand OP BF cause I have limitations too and they are the main reason why I dont want sex. Op partner have pain..- Now how could anyone want sex when in chronic pain? Its not like sex will cure it, rather make it worse cause it drains energy from a body. Now other problem bere us being egocentric. Not caring enough to satisfy partner. Casey might be lazy in relationship in top of everything. Have he always been like that? Or maybe he was living alone for too long and now forgot how to count with other person? Maybe hes only child in family too? Anyway Richiro have a good point that other person dont even have to be good in bed but just mean well in satisfying partner. Perhaps Casey thinks that his attempts will not be enough and thats why he dont even try. Anyway as I see it problem is not how Casey feels about you. Its about how he feels about himself. I can tell sex is something you are used to and Casey might never been used to it or retrained from it changed while being without it. Some people see sex as good thing, others see it as bad thing. Perhaps hes surpressing his desires too cause of all the bad things sex associates to him. Not everyone have healthy perception about sex so if guy is in pain that might be the main reason for him. Casey needs to work on himself to improve himself in a way to feel and think healthy, then sex wont be problem like its not problem for you. Guy might need help to improve but this relationship could be his main motivation to do so. He needs not just give love the way he recieves it but also give love the way you recieve it. Love languages, there are 5 of them. Google it.