My relationship is turning me into a horrible person

[Highlighter]

Hi all,

I'm having some relationship problems that I don't feel comfortable sharing with family or friends so hope it's ok to just let things out on here.

I've been with my partner for a little over four years and we live together. Neither of us has ever cheated (that I'm aware) but we haven't had sex for about a year which gives an idea how long I've been feeling like this.

I don't even know where to start. I now feel completely seperated from my partner and I don't feel any spark or general interest in him. After we met he eventually moved from his home city to live with me and has now set up a business here. All the time we have been together he has never told his parents/family/friends back home about me. If they call when we're at home he goes out to the back garden to answer and if we're out I have heard him lie and say he's alone or with a "friend". I have stayed at his parent's house but only when they have been away on holiday. A couple of years ago I told him it bothered me because somehow I felt like I was in on the lie, or complicit or something. Not long after that he was going to see his grandmother and said I could go with him. Unfortunately his grandmother had a couple of strokes six months previously and was unlikely to get her speech back. When we were there he didn't tell her who I was, just introduced by name. Quick cup of tea and out the door. So I felt like he took me to see his grandmother because there was still no way his parents would find out. I, on the other hand, have always took him along with me when i'm visiting family or there's an occasion. We have never had a Christmas or New Year together because he goes to be with his family.

Anyway, ^ that was a short point said long wasn't it? But there's other stuff too. Since moving up here he has made some friends of his own, none of them know about me either. We used to go the local pub but he now goes alone and meets his friends there. We used to eat out a lot, that's stopped. I just the feeling that he's hiding me or that he's ashamed of me and it's really making me feel bad.

He doesn't contribute at all. He never has. I pay all the bills including the rent. Occasionally we go shopping together amd split the bill but lately we have just been buying our own food a couple of times a week. Literally, nothing in the house belongs to him apart from his clothes. All of the furniture, appliances, belong to me. Seriously I'm looking around the living room as I'm typing this and I can't see one item that I haven't paid for. That wouldn't bother me on its own but with everything else it just makes me feel that after all this time he could just walk out the door and not come back and it wouldn't make any difference to him at all. Then I start to think that it wouldn't make any difference to me either, in fact I'd have more wardrobe space and I wouldn't have as much laundry to do.

There was a period when he spent a few months working abroad . When he told me he was applying for jobs overseas I didn't feel I had any right to stop him so I let him carry om but secretly hoped he wouldn't find one. He did and he went for about four months. We didn't break up during that time, we didn't even discuss it really. It was just accepted that this is what's happening and I'll keep the bed warm until he's home. A month or so before he left the job I broke up with him and cut all contact. I'd had enough and while he was away it really sunk in the feeling that I was being taken for a ride. When he got back he contacted me and asked me to meet up and eventually we got back together and slowly it's led to how it is today.

My family are really disappointed in me, I can sense it. I don't tell them but there are times when my mum asks me questions and I can't hide the truth. For example, when I'm waiting for the bus home from work at 9pm in the rain, my mum calls and asks where I am...it looks bad that I'm getting a bus in the rain when my partner is sat in the warm house I pay for and won't offer to pick me up. There are other things too that make me think he's inconsiderate, or not inconsiderate but doesn't give me the consideration that I deserve.

I don't know...does that sound unreasonable? Or if someone just asks me how he is and what he's up to, I don't know what to say because usually I don't know the answer. I don't know where he is from one minute to the next, he doesn't involve me.

Lately it feels like I have no interest in his life at all, and no feelings to go with that other than the occasional burst of lonely silent anger and the constant feeling of guilt and regret for allowing this to continue unhindered for so long. We never ever argue or fight. I put that down to the lack of passion or consideration for each other nowadays, but I could be wrong.

My partner has family in Spain who he visits regularly. Usually three times a year, each trip between 10 and 21 days. I'm not allowed to go because his family are there. He got back from a trip a couple of weeks ago and I told him I'd had enough. When he told me that he was going to Spain he said he worried about going because I'm always in a bad mood when he returns. I think its because when he's away I see how disconnected we are, and I feel so betrayed because I know that every day he is lying about me, pretending I don't exist, taking credit for the roof over our heads that I pay for.

Anyway, I told him everything about how I feel. He cried a lot but I didn't. I feel emotionless about the situation. He said he would do anything and reverse all the problems but I told him that I feel like its too late. I really feel like the time for apologies and making things better has been and gone. Of course it would be lovely to undo the problems but the truth is I feel like our relationship has been flawed since the very beginning. Our relationship wasn't perfect even at the start, I've always been hidden and kept away so I feel like trying to "get it back" it useless because there is no "back". There's nothing that was before, because it's always been there from the start.

I asked him to move out immediately but he hasn't. We don't even talk. I really don't know what to do. I woke up this morning and heard him downstairs and it immediately made me angry just hearing him. I was stomping around getting dressed and I was so angry I was punching the bed and screaming into my pillow so he couldn't hear. I ignored him when I came downstairs and he got the hint and left for work, making sure that he hugged me with teary eyes just to stick the knife in me a bit further. Now I'm feeling guilty for making him sad.

Please help. I'm an INFP so the feeling of him violating my values is really making me resentful and begrudge every single bit of energy I spend on him. Can this relationship be saved, am I the problem, do I deserve better, is it over?

Oh, I should mention that we are both males and nobody knows that my partner likes men.

[Hooo!]

What do you want?

[madotnw_nihs]

So, does his family know his sexual preference? It sounds like he wants to keep it hidden for now. But like Hoo says, you already told him what you want. you can notify authorities if you need him gone.

[amberXnight]

The biggest red flag to me is that he doesn't want his family to know about you that means that even if he loves you that he really is ashamed about what his family will think. Maybe that's why he is afraid to have sex with you and get you pregnant? Either that or he has ED or he isn't sexually attracted to you. Has he even tried to fix things? In the end your happiness is more important than his. Plain and simple you have to do what you think is best for you... Even if it hurts him,(+_+)

[Shoukon]

Sounds like you're being used and every time you finally get distance you are clear about it, but when he's back around your feelings are evoked and you return back to the destructive patterns of the situation.
There seems to be no relationship here. Relationships run their course. Telling him to move out seems to be a constructive action to take, but make sure to commit to what will be constructive to your life. Freeloaders do everything to keep the free ride. Emotionally torture, guilt the other, any tactic.
Also, this person makes themselves Unlovable. What are you supposed to love here? Being kept a secret, the lack of intimacy, the disrespect? There's nothing to grow.
This situations also has a strangle hold on your own feelings. Do you have the right time and energy to work on yourself? It sounded as if this person takes up all the space in your mind even though they take up no space in the living room. Find a place for you where you can start asking yourself the right questions and making the right plans for your life.

There's a Therapist Alina Gershonov who specializes in break ups. She does a podcast with another therapist who specializes in marriages. You may be able to find some good advice in their podcasts and blogs. They're both very well spoken and knowledgeable in their specialties.:http://alinagershonov.com/category/blog/

I also wrote a blog about Finding a Good Lover. You can read this article and ask Do I Have a Good Lover? http://adamayala.org/2-steps-to-finding-a-good-lover/

I hope these resources can be helpful.

[Lily_pad08]

Wow, you have been through so much in this relationship. I think the hardest thing for you is be hidden from your partners family. I can only imagine the hurt that comes with that. Plus not being involved in his life is a very difficult position to be in. I really think you did the right thing with having that difficult conversation and asking him to move out. I know this must be so hard for you and seeing your partners emotions isn’t helping, but I think you know that you are doing the right thing. It sounds like you have been miserable for so long, find someone out there who will be excited to introduce you to their family, who will love you for you and include you in their daily life. You sound like a very caring and giving person, and I know there is someone better out there.