Longing to be loved 2

[TheEvilJester]

I am sincerely sorry to hear all this, PC. I will admit, there was part of me thinking that you deserved better for a while. But, the situation made you happy at the time. She made you happy at the time. You were fine with it, so I was fine with it for you as long as things didn't get too bad.

But, it sounds now like you've had enough. It sounds like it stopped working for you. s much as I know it hurts right now, that is really a good thing. I mean, don't get me wrong... it would be pretty darn swell too if she actually had been an awesome person and you never even had to experience this in the first place. But, given the person she turned out to be, this may well have been the best possible conclusion. Because, even if this gal did not turn out to be the right one... she DID help you grow a lot. You've learned and you've grown so much from your experiences with her.

I'm sure there is yet still more growing for you (we all can stand to learn and grow now and then)... but you've come a long way already. Some day, hopefully sooner than you may think, you'll get the opportunity to try out the new and improved PC with somebody who will appreciate it more. Heck, that may even be her if she ever sees the mistakes she made... but it may be some awesome, amazing, new person you didn't even know before.

Fro now, though, take some time to heal. Take some time to evaluate what maybe you need to do differently as well as what you did well. Don't forget, of course, to also evaluate what she did not do well. You don't want to just focus on the mistakes you may have made because you also want to be sure to be aware of the mistakes she made so you are better equipped to avoid that kind of thing in a future partner.

Anyway, I know how you must be feeling now, so I know a lot of this just sounds like meaningless words. But, believe me, in time you will feel better. You will re-learn to appreciate that awesome guy that is you. And you will be even more ready to get back out there and find something even better this time around. Best of luck to you, my friend.

[pcmaster]

Thanks for fast response Jester. Well, it doesn't really hurt cause we didn't go from lovely dovely one day to complete strangers in next day. The breakup did happen in a long time period, longer than a month when she eventually started to withdraw. You know girls leave emotionally before they leave physically. She was still letting me touch her but she just wasn't there. I remember only one single time when it was really on when touches were mutual.

So yeah man, feeling pretty chill. Besides I'm never truly alone. Sometimes have good people around and then I have discovered bible now and enjoy reading it. Also a few days ago visited IMVU after a year-long break. And one girl wanted to be my GF right away there. Not looking for anything now so agreed to be just friends and invited her to messenger so at least have someone to chat with now. She's American so that means I can write all kinds of shit and its okay.

You right this girl really helped me grow and was good to me in general. Most awesome thing is that she saw potential in me that I always wanted for girls to see in me. Life changed for better. But to a point. At some point. Like I always think if your confidence goes up with a girl then she is good for you but if it goes down then you are better without her. So that point got reached too and confidence started to go down. But now I feel free and confident. Living free life now. But you know how it is for guys. First weeks are the easiest. Still, have love in my heart but when that love eventually leaves think that's when the pain will follow.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, hopefully then you just won't ever have too much pain from this break-up after all. That CAN happen, especially the way you describe it. I've had that experience myself. Sometimes there is a such a gradual drop off where you finally realize somebody is no good for you that by the time you actually break up, you aren't upset by it. I mean, of course there is always part of you upset for the loss of something you once thought could have been the real thing... but by then you've accepted that it wasn't what you'd thought.

Glad you are okay for now. I hope that remains the case. Even more so, though, I hope you get another chance very soon... but this time with a woman who will appreciate what she's got in you. Good luck, bro!

[pcmaster]

Listening to this song for the last few days, feeling like crying, lyrics seem so real.

"Crying For No Reason"

I push all my problems to the back of my mind
Then they surface in my dreams, they come alive
I sweep all my issues to somewhere I can't find
In hope that I'll forget but there's just so many times

Why can't I be strong and just confront all my fears?
When my fear is hurting you by being sincere
But how many more days can I run? How many years?
Emotions flooding and now it's all seeming so clear

Crying for no reason, feel the tears roll down
I felt strong but am I breaking now?
Crying for no reason 'cause I buried it deep
I made promises I could not keep
'Cause I never faced all the pain I caused
Now the pain is hitting me full force

I push all my problems to the back of my brain
A darkness deep inside where I just can't find my way
How can I walk with a smile? Get on with my day
When I deceived myself pretending it's all okay

I tried my best to hold it all together, I know
The strings have worn away and now I'm all exposed
I try to hide it all away on top of the shelf
I can lie to everyone but not to myself

Crying for no reason feel the tears roll down
I felt strong but am I breaking now?
Crying for no reason 'cause I buried it deep
I made promises I could not keep
'Cause I never faced all the pain I caused
Now the pain is hitting me full force

Forgive me now 'cause I said that I'll be there for you, care for you
I let you down, I walked away
'Cause there were things I couldn't say to you, say to you
I'm breaking now

[2x]
I burned some bridges down
There must be some way out
The voices speak so loud
Will you forgive me now?

Crying for no reason, feel the tears roll down
I felt strong but am I breaking now?
Crying for no reason 'cause I buried it deep
I made promises I could not keep
'Cause I never faced all the pain I caused
Now the pain is hitting me full force

[PRW]

@ pcmaster
I was looking back at the story, the situation about the window in particular. Yea, her response was totally out of line. Keep an eye on behavor like that in the future. People will only treat you in ways they know they can get away with. When anyone shows signs of acting like that you have to nip it in the bud immediately. If you do this early on before you are too deep into anything and the other person has not gotten into a position where they feel entitled to treat you that way, it will be much more effective. You can't allow people to think they can treat you like that, and they need to understand that up front, early,...and it will be before you are too attached and can more easily walk away.

When the window thing happened the correct response would have been to stand your ground, tell her you were on antibiotics, and left the window closed. At that point, in spite of what I just said in the above paragraph, I would not have said, "I won't allow you to treat me like that!",...why?,...because it is self evident if you stood your ground, this is also further along in the time-line than the above paragraph, and actually saying it just sounds kinda "cry-baby". It may not have changed the final outcome because this all was just a symptom of the underlying issues that really caused it to end,...but you certainly would have come out of it feeling more of a sense of self-respect rather than as a victim

[pcmaster]

Thanks for your input [MENTION=87416]PRW[/MENTION]

Sure I should have been upfront with her about my health issue at that moment. But I choose not to. Better communication could probably keep windows incident away. As they say, a relationship is so strong as strong is communication.

Yeah, I tried to cut this sign of acting, early on, a month ago when we were in swimming pool and she was hitting me slightly. I said that that's how its starts - lightly and then getting stronger, I know how it is. Told friend about this and he said, I'm, a pussy.

And this time it got out of hand, she might not even notice that she hit me hard.


Sure there were more issues that lead to this. Respect was long gone from her side and also she didn't find me interesting anymore. This window thing couldnt end healthy relationship but it was pretty weak already. Really relationship started to become toxic. Not just this but also things in front of other pople.

[TheEvilJester]

I agree with PRW. Plus, hindsight is always 20/20. It is easy for you to look back now and say "I should have done XYZ..." Thing is, what's done is done. Just take it as a lesson for the future. I do agree very much on the window incident, though. I definitely agree it would have been better to stand up for yourself then, and I also agree that you don't necessarily do so by actually SAYING anything like "I won't allow you to treat me like that." As PRW said, if you just stand up for yourself/explain your side, your stance on that kind of treatment being unacceptable kind of goes without saying.

Again, too late for that advice for THAT particular situation, but good to keep in mind for the future. I also agree, though, that even if you HAD made it clear it was not okay for her to treat you like that, it probably ultimately wouldn't have changed the end result anyway.

As for the song lyrics you shared, particularly the parts you put in bold... Honestly, I don't personally think you need or should even have to obtain her forgiveness. I mean, I am sure there are areas where you still needed/need improvement... but from the things you described, SHE would be the one who should need forgiveness from YOU if anything. She's the one who it seems like never appreciated you/treated you the way you deserved.

Anyway, I know how you feel, though. I just don't want you to beat yourself up too much. You have a lot to be proud of from this situation. You have come a long way from where you were before that relationship. So, if nothing else, it did have the positive impact of helping you grow. That will hopefully help you a great deal when you are ready for a new relationship.

[pcmaster]

Thanks, guys ! It means a lot to have you here as buddies. I mean who really cares about my problems? But you do care and I appreciate you guys. Having friends like that to talk with really helps to feel better and heals the soul. Jester, you were like a guarding angel during my journey for happiness. You whisper in my ear good things. Like guardian angel in that game Mu online - not only reducing hits but also increase health points.

[PRW]

I highly recommend Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% Man". It is small, cheap, and was life changing for me.

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks, guys ! It means a lot to have you here as buddies. I mean who really cares about my problems? But you do care and I appreciate you guys. Having friends like that to talk with really helps to feel better and heals the soul. Jester, you were like a guarding angel during my journey for happiness. You whisper in my ear good things. Like guardian angel in that game Mu online - not only reducing hits but also increase health points.

Hey! You take that back, I am NO angel. LOL! Plus, I just figured it was a good change from the things I usually whisper in people's ears like "Burn! BURN!!!" or "Kill them all!"

I'm kidding, of course. I am very glad if I was able to help even in just some small way. Sometimes it can be good just to have somebody to bounce all this kind of stuff off of now and then. Just even talking about it, even in text form, is good for the soul.

[pcmaster]

So today while riding a bike at the way home(It was a warm day today but I still wear winter clothes not to get sick again, despite that saw one girl in T-shirt and shorts already outside today) I was thinking as a Pcmaster that we are not Windows compatible with the girl lol. Cause she likes to sleep with an open window but I still sleep with closed window. Bet she now sleeps with the open window all the time. So it wasn't meant to be anyway.

[TheEvilJester]

LOL! I like that. You were not Windows compatible. Good analogy. In fact, maybe you were running Windows and she was on a Mac.

Little things like that don't necessarily matter on their own.... but a lot of little things can add up into big things. Or, when sometimes they are just part of, or a symptom of larger problems. It was good while it lasted, but it does sound like you'll be better off in the long run this way. You'll find somebody with whom you are Windows compatible. LOL!

Actually, funny you mention that, though. It gets me thinking, I have what some people may consider weird sleeping habits. I hang upside down like a bat. ...No, I'm kidding. But I do like to sleep with my fan on all year no matter the temperature outside. For two reasons. One, it isn't like in the cold weather it is freezing in my apartment. I keep it a decent room temperature, so I still like having the fan because I like it being slightly chilly so I can warm up with blankets. For some reason, it just already being warm so I don't even need the blankets just doesn't feel as comfortable for sleeping. Two, the white noise of the fan actually helps me too. I find it soothing.

So, I kind of imagine if ever I happened to actually have another girlfriend, it could be tricky if she didn't like the fan for whatever reason. I don't know that I'd want to sleep without it, which could be difficult to find a compromise if she couldn't sleep with it. ...Guess it is good I'll never have that problem.

[pcmaster]

You are right, man. She was more of an Apple person. I remember one video where a guy came up to girls and she asked him - what phone you got? He said android. And she said - I don't fck with androids.
Guess this case was similar. We didn't have the talk about phones but guess once she did find out I'm just an android(not literally of course), she lost interest.

Was thinking today about some sweet, sweet times we had together. Few nice sentences, supportive words, open hearts.

Back in the days where the magic exists
Never be the same as it was 'cause the way it was
Just another day in the maze of a myth
Had a lot of fun living life on the run
Never had a chance to pause to get a better glance
Everything was free and everything was fast

Limp Bizkit "Lonely World"


You sure have a unique way of sleeping Jester. But think itš possible to get used to that pretty fast since people get used to all kindz of stuff. Relationships are pretty much about compromises.
When I think about it then you can easily find a girl who would want to be with you for a green card since you are American. Not just that, you can show higher value by being able to provide other things. That, of course, won't help you much with getting to dating but could help keeping interest in long run.

You sure have a great personality and good heart but just wanted to say that you have more to offer than that to a girl.

[TheEvilJester]

I would hope that the type of phone somebody uses wouldn't impact your thoughts on them one way or another. LOL! I'm assuming that was some kind of skit/joke. Because if not, that lady is shallow as all heck. LOL! Your situation was definitely a lot more realistic. What kind of phone somebody else has doesn't affect you at all, but sleeping habits CAN in a relationship. Again, like I said, on the surface that in and of itself wasn't that big a deal necessarily. I'm sure you two COULD HAVE eventually found a way to compromise. Her reaction was much more the problem. It's all good now, though. You are better off. Eventually you will find somebody great.

When I think about it then you can easily find a girl who would want to be with you for a green card since you are American. Not just that, you can show higher value by being able to provide other things. That, of course, won't help you much with getting to dating but could help keeping interest in long run.

You sure have a great personality and good heart but just wanted to say that you have more to offer than that to a girl.

Yyyyyeah, if there was ever anything I did to give you the impression that I am THAT desperate, then I apologize to you as well as to myself for doing myself the injustice of making that interpretation possible. Even when I still actively wanted love I was NEVER and would NEVER allow myself to become THAT desperate. I'd rather spend every last remaining moment of my hopefully short life alone than to be with anybody just for the sake of being with somebody. I would never enter into any relationship that was not sincere and with the intention of finding love. Don't misunderstand. I'm not saying we need to instantly be in love as that is ridiculous and possibly even very dangerous. But I would never want a relationship just to have a relationship and then just hope I can "show my value" to the person and it would grow into something real.

Heck, I'm not even judging. Maybe that works for some people. It just isn't for me. I don't want a relationship simply because I want a relationship. I want a relationship because I want love. ...Or I guess scratch all that and put it in the past tense.

That said, though, thanks for your confidence in me all the same. I do very much appreciate that.

[pcmaster]

Well, the girl was American so go figure lol. Actually, that phone thing was a shit test cause they kept talking and the girl said he's good looking.

Sure you are not that desperate. You give a vibe where the girl has to come to you rather than you have to find her.

Well, you want a relationship because you want to love. I see it as the same thing. Cause relationship without love isn't really a relationship.