Longing to be loved 2

[TheEvilJester]

Being vapid and shallow is not a uniquely American trait. I will readily admit my fellow Americans do generally have quite the talent for it.... but not all Americans are like that, and nor is it just Americans who are like that.

I don't know if I'd say the girl has to come to me. IF I felt any motivation to actually seek out love, I feel I'd be ready to take an active role in finding it. Love doesn't generally just fall into your lap. There does need to be some level of effort to find it. I'm not naive to that. These days I just lack the motivation. If it did somehow happen it isn't like I'd avoid it. I just don't see any reason to actively try to search it out.

I definitely agree with you that I personally see a relationship (a romantic one, anyway) as the pursuit of love. That is further more why I am vehemently opposed to the idea you proposed of a green card relationship. Somebody looking for a relationship in order to get a green card is just looking for anybody who could fulfill that need for them. Basically just an American citizen who they could marry, thereby getting a green card. They wouldn't care who I am, what I am, anything like that. I don't want that. I'd rather be alone. If Hell freezes over, pigs fly, the cows come home, and I actually get a girlfriend again some day... I want it to be for love, not just because I want a relationship. I could never allow myself to become so desperate I would be with ANYBODY just so I'm not alone. I've been alone my whole life. I'll probably be alone the rest of my life. I've learned to be okay with that.

[pcmaster]

Yeah man its easy to be alone when you been alone for most of your life and got used to that. But its harder to be alone when you felt companionship for a while. When your world been expanded and so did your heart and you don't see the world as it used to be. Everything has changed and now being alone is not the way to live.

Maybe this happened to you too. I don't know why you don't want to change this when people are social creatures and should have company. In some country, it's forbidden to hold one guinea pig at home cause they are social and should hold at least two in a cage. So same with people. It can be suffering to live alone. Or to be alone all the time.

“My dear,
Find what you love and let it kill you.
Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness.
Let it kill you and let it devour your remains.
For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.
~ Falsely yours”

― Kinky Friedman

Like this words in sound much more -


Today I woke up early to get a sexy haircut and went kanoe and sports kayak race to the nearby river to watch the race. There was a lot of people and it was nice to be around the people. I even recognized one guy who was participating since I saw him since days I was still training on sports kayaks. Anyway, the third girl said she might come but said shes not promising. So I waited like 5 hours till the race ended. Not like waiting active but still had my phone in hand in case she let me know that she arrived. Well, she didn't come but I messaged her afterward and got to the point that she said she has 40 minutes left, so I jumped on the bike and was there at her home in like 5 minutes. I gave her a handshake just for a joke and then lifted it up like a bros do it. Then said I was joking and hugged her, she petted me on the back.

I had a bear with me - real cute bear that I got for her year ago but we stopped meeting and texting when it arrived and afterward there was never a good moment. Despite that, she said before over the text that she doesn't need anything and didn't take it now, I got the bear out of the bag and said that "I ordered it a year ago but when it arrived... He has a similar cute face to hers(they have look a like mouth shape) and gave it to her and she took and held it hugged whole time we were talking on her porch. We spoke like an hour. Really nothing new, we knew each other life and summer plans pretty well already so just clearing the details here and there. Was pretty boring and a lot of silent moments. We both wanted to sleep cause we woke up about at same time. She smelled real nice and I told her she smells good lol. She said thanks. Her face was pretty cute too and looked real beautiful without the makeup. I wanted to be more than friends because of it but then remembered how bad it went all the previous times so got it out of my mind.

Then we parted and hugged again, this time I petted her on the back too.

At least bear is out of my closet now and doesn't remind me of her anymore. She was the first person I spoke today with(If I don't count few sentences in PC hardware shop with a consultant) and most likely the last as well.

I know I shouldn't be so lonely but then again I don't see how I can change it without reaching out to people who let me down before.

[pcmaster]

I just realized what a huge mistake I have done. I have killed a third girl. That's why we cant be more than friends now cause I think I killed her inside.

Basically what happened is I messaged her while the previous girl was in another country for few days. I wrote like - "Hey, how are you?" And when I send it I realized that I was in trouble, that it was a mistake and it's not gonna end with that. Now I didn't wrote about this in real time because it was just a chat but now I realize that it was important cause it changed so much, even the way we interacted when met. After the first text, we kept messaging and continued till late night after midnight. I was looking at chat and discovered that we didn't just message for one night but for whole 3 days. A lot has been told and cleared out during this talk. First of all, she wouldn't leave me alone and kept asking why I wrote to her. Second, she admitted that she was thinking about writing me a few days ago to ask for another chance. She said she had met the one but let him go. Happens I was the one because I always forgave her in the past. I told her about all the times she hurt me and about all the times I gave her chance - it was a long text. All she had to answer for that was - "Sorry I realized I hurt you but I kept doing it."

In short, I didn't give her another chance despite that I felt like trusting and forgiving her again and could give her chance. But I was still with the previous girl and that's where I stayed because I don't jump from girl to girl like that. When things end they end and only then I move on. I feel like I should have told her that I'm dating another girl but I didn't want to shock her, to kill her inside. But that's what I did cause in the end she said she understood that there's no hope for another chance.

Why was this a mistake? Because if I wouldn't have messaged her pointless out of boredom back then, then I wouldn't have rejected her and everything wouldn't be so fcked up now. Now I was thinking if we could be friends then later go from there - build a relationship on friendship. But she fcked up this chance of being friends by being flakey again so we cant even be real good friends. I didn't tell her this - that I'm testing her with how good friend she can be. But well she didn't pass the test.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah man its easy to be alone when you been alone for most of your life and got used to that. But its harder to be alone when you felt companionship for a while. When your world been expanded and so did your heart and you don't see the world as it used to be. Everything has changed and now being alone is not the way to live.

Well, I mean, as you know I did experience "companionship." It may have turned out to be the REALLY wrong person, but I didn't know that at first. I thought I was experiencing the real thing at the time. It was real to me. You also know how much of a romantic I always have been. So, I never needed to experience love to know it was something I VERY MUCH wanted. I always felt, in the past, like it was part of me. Like it was something that I needed. Not like I couldn't live without it... but that part of me would always be missing without it. That I could survive without it... but I didn't necessarily want to have to survive without it.

I don't feel like that anymore. Yes, I would absolutely love to find that special someone. If she fell out of the sky and into my arms tomorrow, I'd never look back. ...But I just don't feel like part of me is missing anymore. Well, either that or it is missing... but I don't miss it. It doesn't feel like a need. If I know myself, I'm sure that peace of mind won't last. But, I'm enjoying it while it does.

I just realized what a huge mistake I have done. I have killed a third girl. That's why we cant be more than friends now cause I think I killed her inside.

Basically what happened is I messaged her while the previous girl was in another country for few days. I wrote like - "Hey, how are you?" And when I send it I realized that I was in trouble, that it was a mistake and it's not gonna end with that. Now I didn't wrote about this in real time because it was just a chat but now I realize that it was important cause it changed so much, even the way we interacted when met. After the first text, we kept messaging and continued till late night after midnight. I was looking at chat and discovered that we didn't just message for one night but for whole 3 days. A lot has been told and cleared out during this talk. First of all, she wouldn't leave me alone and kept asking why I wrote to her. Second, she admitted that she was thinking about writing me a few days ago to ask for another chance. She said she had met the one but let him go. Happens I was the one because I always forgave her in the past. I told her about all the times she hurt me and about all the times I gave her chance - it was a long text. All she had to answer for that was - "Sorry I realized I hurt you but I kept doing it."

In short, I didn't give her another chance despite that I felt like trusting and forgiving her again and could give her chance. But I was still with the previous girl and that's where I stayed because I don't jump from girl to girl like that. When things end they end and only then I move on. I feel like I should have told her that I'm dating another girl but I didn't want to shock her, to kill her inside. But that's what I did cause in the end she said she understood that there's no hope for another chance.

Why was this a mistake? Because if I wouldn't have messaged her pointless out of boredom back then, then I wouldn't have rejected her and everything wouldn't be so fcked up now. Now I was thinking if we could be friends then later go from there - build a relationship on friendship. But she fcked up this chance of being friends by being flakey again so we cant even be real good friends. I didn't tell her this - that I'm testing her with how good friend she can be. But well she didn't pass the test.

Honestly, PC, I think you really probably are better off this way. Believe me, I know it doesn't feel that way to you now. I understand you experienced love (even if it turned out to be with the wrong person) and you want that again. I absolutely understand how you feel. But, you mention this is a gal you've already tried with several times and she only hurt you in the end. She can say she changed all she wants.... say all the nice pretty words like you were the one and she shouldn't have let you go.... but what are the odds it wouldn't just end the same way again?

Sure, people CAN change, and sometimes they do.... but it is somewhat rare. You would probably be better off finding somebody new anyway. I know that can seem hard, but you'll find somebody in time. I mean, as you said yourself, she's already proven she can't even be a very good friend. Doubtful that she'd make a good girlfriend. You'll find somebody great in time. Believe me, I know how hard and/or unlikely that can seem, but you will. You are a good guy and you'll find a good gal some day. Good luck, brother!

[pcmaster]

Thanks for response Jester. Nice to see it so soon.

I think you are in love flatline. Just like in PMO there is flatline when urges are gone and sex drive is gone, cause brains haven't been stimulated for while. Now you might have lost this longing for love cause you haven't been stimulated in this way for a while and forgot how it felt. Sure you still know how it feels theoretically but memories don't wake up hormones in you.
Anyway, I think those hormones are asleep in you and perhaps you are less sensitive now.

Was thinking about it - perhaps I could still have a go with the third girl but I'm so tired of being hurt, just don't want to get hurt again, especially by her. It would be like sticking the sword in the same wound again. The new relationship fail would at least stick the sword in new place.

Also, I have been thinking about the previous girl. I cant really give her number like a fourth or fifth girl cause shes stands out from the crowd since most records been broken with her. So will call her The Girl.
So I watched these homeless people interviews from Invisible People channel. That leads me to a channel of a young 16-year-old girl who has a cancer. Long story short there was all t he journey, like 3-year video diary where she was fighting cancer until brain cancer took over and shie died aged 19. After her death, her family made a 4,5 minutes long video where you can see how she eventually got weaker, faded and she couldn't even talk in her last videos but she used someone else voice. It was so touching to watch. Really almost did bring tears to my eyes, was close to crying. Felt this cold empty feeling inside for hours after watching that short vid. Anyway, point is that The Girl grandmother died from cancer and she told me about it on the first date. But back then it didn't touch me cause I never saw someone fading away to cancer. Now I realized what she went thru and fully understood how she could be depressed for years after that.
Had a feeling like there's much bigger than I can realize about her but really only now starting to understand how big she is. That journey her soul went thru is hard to grasp. Might take me many years to fully understand and see what was inside The Girl.

[TheEvilJester]

I don't know. Maybe you're onto something with the "love flat-line" analogy.. but I'm just not sure. That doesn't really sound like me. Again, being a romantic my whole life, I've always had that desire for love. Even in my darkest times, even at times when I'd lost all hope that it would ever happen, that was still there.

But its not now. Not like it WAS, anyway. Like I said, if it were up to me I'd still prefer to find love rather than to not find it.... it's just that I no longer feel like it is such a big deal. As I've often said before, my basic feeling on it now can be summed up in one short, non-word: "Meh." Honestly, I'm not all that interested in analyzing it right now because it is a peace of mind I want to retain for as long as possible. I'm sure it will eventually go away and I'll be back to feeling that loneliness... but I'm just not in a hurry to HELP that peace of mind end.

Anyway,

As for your story, do you mind if I ask if you maybe use code names instead or something? LOL! Like instead of "fourth or fifth girl" can you give them fake names like "Susan" or "Betsy" or whatever? Only because I'm having a little trouble following your story. Is the girl who has hurt you in the past/now thinks you are "the one" the same girl you are talking about who lost her grandmother? Or is that a different girl?

I mean, either way, no matter the justification for past actions, it is often better not to rekindle old relationships. More often than not if they didn't work the first time they are unlikely to work the next time either. But there ARE exceptions to that rule. They CAN sometimes wind up working if there are legitimately improvements to whatever caused them to fail in the first place. So, I guess it is up to you to determine if it may be worth another chance. Maybe if she truly was trapped in an abyss of her own depression after what she went through, that could have had a lot to do with why it didn't work at first. Maybe if she has gotten herself out of that, there could be a chance it could work this time.

I'm not close enough to your situation to know. I guess if you do decide to give her another chance, I'd just suggest doing so with caution. But, as always, I will wish you the best of luck in whatever you do decide.

[pcmaster]

So you just now at peace of finding love. That's good in a way that you don't feel lonely. But I just thinking aren't you full with your own emptiness now? Like what if you are numbed and your senses are numbed as well without realizing it? Like that lonely part being filled with all kind of substitudes and little unimportant things. I mean would you have time for LF if you were married father now and working hard to be provider and role model to your kids, while spending all spare time with your wife? I mean are you really living life with highest purpoise and goals now or just accepting circumstances and living day by day without aiming higher to a better life, higher self. What if all you do now is not gona make your life better in long run and not gona fulfil your dreams? I mean what if this meh philosophy don't have happy ending or good results?


Actually I mention girls quite haotically in my posts. But first girl was first I met after 7 years long dating break and experienced most with back in the dsy. She was a really good active girl. Second girl was the worst and there was little good memories with her. Third girl was more passive, inexperienced and with her I took a lead that lead nowhere lol. She broke up with me most times and dumped me actively and passively over texts. With her I didnt had 1+3 or 3 dates like with previous girls but 3+3 dates cause we started dsted again after more than half a year break. Now the last girl that I call The Girl was the one with who most records been broken and I met with countless times and spend coundless hours and actually let my virginity go with her. This is the girl who lost her granny to cancer.

Icant really give third girl a chance cause my interest is mostly sexual and there wont be enough heigh to fly on wings of love. Im mostly doubting in her that she could sustain interest in me cause she lost interest so quickly before.

Actually I messaged first girl few days ago. Slim chance that she will answer cause she unfriended me everywhere but at least Im not blocked on FB. I might still be zero experience wise and in relationship skills but Im so much more social and a little less zero than we started to meet that it could work out better this time. Her FB puplic activity seems to be death for few months. If she still works in same place then higher chance I can meet her in pizzeria than on FB. Just would be weird to go to her work and ask for a date after more than 18 months of no contact.

[TheEvilJester]

So you just now at peace of finding love. That's good in a way that you don't feel lonely. But I just thinking aren't you full with your own emptiness now? Like what if you are numbed and your senses are numbed as well without realizing it? Like that lonely part being filled with all kind of substitudes and little unimportant things. I mean would you have time for LF if you were married father now and working hard to be provider and role model to your kids, while spending all spare time with your wife? I mean are you really living life with highest purpoise and goals now or just accepting circumstances and living day by day without aiming higher to a better life, higher self. What if all you do now is not gona make your life better in long run and not gona fulfil your dreams? I mean what if this meh philosophy don't have happy ending or good results?

I know it is really confusing and hard to understand. I am not even fully sure I understand it myself. But "numb" would really not be the way to describe it. Believe me. I've felt that/done that before. Times when I've hit a rough patch and the loneliness, the hopelessness, it all hurt too much. It was easier just to go numb. This isn't that. This is more like I'm happy where I am. Not necessarily like it is where I wanted to be... but like I've accepted it anyway.

And there's no what if about it. I'm almost 100% certain my "meh philosophy," as you put it, does NOT have a happy ending or good results. I mean, sure maybe the world could surprise me in a positive way... but I doubt it. The more likely result of my meh philosophy would be that nothing ever will change. That if I remain in that state of mind, my being alone will be a foregone conclusion. That's, I guess, part of the issue. I've accepted that. I've moved on. And that honestly probably is a shame in some ways. It is good... very good, in fact, that I've learned to be happy even without love, it's just that I should pursue it anyway. I don't know. Maybe some day I will motivate myself to use this new peace of mind for good in my own life. To try to finally take my piece of the pie, so to speak. ...But I've been saying that for a while now and nothing has changed. I'm still content just to accept my fate and learn to be happy anyway.

Actually I mention girls quite haotically in my posts. But first girl was first I met after 7 years long dating break and experienced most with back in the dsy. She was a really good active girl. Second girl was the worst and there was little good memories with her. Third girl was more passive, inexperienced and with her I took a lead that lead nowhere lol. She broke up with me most times and dumped me actively and passively over texts. With her I didnt had 1+3 or 3 dates like with previous girls but 3+3 dates cause we started dsted again after more than half a year break. Now the last girl that I call The Girl was the one with who most records been broken and I met with countless times and spend coundless hours and actually let my virginity go with her. This is the girl who lost her granny to cancer.

Icant really give third girl a chance cause my interest is mostly sexual and there wont be enough heigh to fly on wings of love. Im mostly doubting in her that she could sustain interest in me cause she lost interest so quickly before.

Actually I messaged first girl few days ago. Slim chance that she will answer cause she unfriended me everywhere but at least Im not blocked on FB. I might still be zero experience wise and in relationship skills but Im so much more social and a little less zero than we started to meet that it could work out better this time. Her FB puplic activity seems to be death for few months. If she still works in same place then higher chance I can meet her in pizzeria than on FB. Just would be weird to go to her work and ask for a date after more than 18 months of no contact.

Again, it is your life to live, so I can't tell you what to do I can only suggest what I would. And it just sounds to me like you'd be so much better leaving all of those women in your past and instead applying all the growth and learning you have done into a new relationship. When a relationship doesn't work out, it is usually for a reason. It is rare that revisiting that relationship later will change anything. Heck, even if one or even both of you have changed for the better... it often still doesn't change the fact that the two of you just don't work out as a couple. Not to mention, whether or not either of you intend it, it can be hard not to still dwell on the past experiences of that relationship. That can't help but shape some of how that relationship goes/how you think of each other.

Again, it isn't like rekindling an old relationship NEVER works. It can. It's just, probably like 99 times out of 100 it is just better to leave the past in the past. Good luck in whatever you do decide, though.

[pcmaster]

Just don't want you to waste time like I did. Like now you don't want actively do anything but what if after years you start to want a relationship and that kind of happiness and find out that you waited so long that are behind and with no experience. Perhaps these quiet years are saving you time now cause later you will be wanting it more and be more focused, recalibrating faster. But what if you find out that its harder to do now than when you were younger.

I don't know man, there's just so much time in life to do things and sometimes chances are gone and you cant hop on the same train twice or do it over again cause time has passed and later other things need to be done. Sure some people have interest in dating even in their sixties. But mostly interests changes over time.

People change, man. Only one way how to find out if it works - meet with her and talk then see how the interaction goes.
Damn, I can't sit and wait. Have to go to see her today. Chatted with the third girl yesterday about my loneliness. And she said its because I have to more spontaneous and my thinking is limited. So now its time to be spontaneous.

Good luck Jester asnd remember - The time is now.

[pcmaster]

Update: I went to talk to the first girl today. Just a 40 minutes ago Didn't see her at first, just her work friend who I called ugly on dating site before she stopped responding. So I was thinking - what the hell, just will say Hi to her and ask her to call the first girl out. Then when I came closer I saw the first girl and felt even more scared. But turned on machine mode and said
"Hi !"
She said "Hi" and turned away. She seemed super chill while I was nervous and talked loudly.
I said - "How are you doing?"
"Good."
"Yeah?! Haven't seen you for a long time."
"What should I answer you?"

"Don't know. Do you want to go somewhere in nearest time?"
" Actually I have a boyfriend."

"I wrote to you in FB"
"I saw it"
"Why didn't you answer? Could have told me"
"I didn't wanna answer cause didn't want to start talking"
"Okay don't wanna ruin anything special. Good luck !"
"Thanks"

Can't believe I talked with her. She looked good and confident just it takes a lot of courage to talk with a girl you liked after more than a year of no contact. At least I made this clear. Now won't have to think what if anymore.

So I took this as a warm-up, as my first approach. Next, I went to phone shop where the girl worked who I wanted to ask on a date last summer but didn't man up despite that she was super welcoming to me after I gave her a rose. So I went to phone shop but she wasn't there. Just another girl and there was full of customers. I went to the neighbor phone shop and there was just guy so I went in and we started to talk about phones and latest tech so now I'm up to date about latest phones and tech.

Now I think that third girl was right - I have to be more spontaneous and my mindset was limited. I feel like If I continue like this then I won't be lonely anymore.

[TheEvilJester]

Just don't want you to waste time like I did. Like now you don't want actively do anything but what if after years you start to want a relationship and that kind of happiness and find out that you waited so long that are behind and with no experience. Perhaps these quiet years are saving you time now cause later you will be wanting it more and be more focused, recalibrating faster. But what if you find out that its harder to do now than when you were younger.

I don't know man, there's just so much time in life to do things and sometimes chances are gone and you cant hop on the same train twice or do it over again cause time has passed and later other things need to be done. Sure some people have interest in dating even in their sixties. But mostly interests changes over time.

You know.... honestly. I'm not big on regret. Meaning I make my choices and I stick to them. I'm not going to say I never have any regrets. Of course I do. I'm human....kinda. LOL! But I generally don't regret things because, good or bad, I know that they were the right choices for me AT THE TIME. Even if they maybe didn't end well, I didn't enter into them half-heartedly. So, what is there to regret?

Again... I honestly don't think there is any IF to it. Well... there's some if. IF (that's the only if) I do finally, years and years later, decide I want love again, I KNOW it will almost certainly be harder to find because I waited. Here's the thing, though. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING could be harder than what I put myself through in the past. Than wanting love so desperately, feeling so alone, and yet feeling so clueless. Feeling so hopeless. Feeling like my fate would never change.

If I do find that I change my mind down the road some time, then I will deal with that when it comes. I've just been far too bad to myself for far too long to not enjoy it when I've finally learned to be better.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I really don't know anymore if I believe in God. I'd like to, I always DID.... but it has been harder and harder in my advancing years. But I do believe this with every fiber of my being. Sometimes there are things in life we just can't change. Yes, there are times we can and there are times when it is worth it to fight. But there are also times when we cannot change things. When trying will only bring us pain and suffering. When instead we can find happiness by learning to adapt, by learning what may be a better path for us. In some ways I ponder lately if that may be what I'm doing now.

Update: I went to talk to the first girl today. Just a 40 minutes ago Didn't see her at first, just her work friend who I called ugly on dating site before she stopped responding. So I was thinking - what the hell, just will say Hi to her and ask her to call the first girl out. Then when I came closer I saw the first girl and felt even more scared. But turned on machine mode and said
"Hi !"
She said "Hi" and turned away. She seemed super chill while I was nervous and talked loudly.
I said - "How are you doing?"
"Good."
"Yeah?! Haven't seen you for a long time."
"What should I answer you?"

"Don't know. Do you want to go somewhere in nearest time?"
" Actually I have a boyfriend."

"I wrote to you in FB"
"I saw it"
"Why didn't you answer? Could have told me"
"I didn't wanna answer cause didn't want to start talking"
"Okay don't wanna ruin anything special. Good luck !"
"Thanks"

Can't believe I talked with her. She looked good and confident just it takes a lot of courage to talk with a girl you liked after more than a year of no contact. At least I made this clear. Now won't have to think what if anymore.

So I took this as a warm-up, as my first approach. Next, I went to phone shop where the girl worked who I wanted to ask on a date last summer but didn't man up despite that she was super welcoming to me after I gave her a rose. So I went to phone shop but she wasn't there. Just another girl and there was full of customers. I went to the neighbor phone shop and there was just guy so I went in and we started to talk about phones and latest tech so now I'm up to date about latest phones and tech.

Now I think that third girl was right - I have to be more spontaneous and my mindset was limited. I feel like If I continue like this then I won't be lonely anymore.

Well, I am sorry to hear it didn't go well with the first girl. But, you are definitely right. At least now you know. That really is so much better than being left to wonder. If it is what you feel you need, hopefully you get the same chance with the other girl. And, heck, maybe that will even go better than the first. If not, though, at least then too you will know. Hopefully that will help you to move on and take all you've learned and all you've grown into your future with you. To find somebody new. Believe me, I of all people know how hard it can be to let go. How hard it can be to believe there ever WILL be anybody new.... which in turn makes it even harder to let go of the past. But you will find somebody some day. Maybe it will actually be somebody from your past who will finally see what they had in you. Maybe it will be somebody brand new you don't even know today. You never know.

But, after all I've been through, after all I've survived, one thing that has never changed in me is that I do believe in true love. You will find yours some day. It can be a frustrating process, but the end result is really worth it when you find the right one. As always, good luck friend.

[pcmaster]

Thanks for response Jester.

I know the forum is full of people hurting now. But just had too much in my heart not to post again despite that wanted to make a new post only next month.

So today worked in the garden with mum. It was a hot day and there was a lot of work but suddenly sadness hit me. I remembered The Girl and really missed her and was longing for her. Suddenly didn't want to work anymore. Lost motivation and just really wasn't in a mood and remembered this Leona Lewis song. Wanted to just go home. I really shouldn't feel like that cause I wasn't alone and was working, so busy and it's a sunny wonderful day today so it should be easy to feel good. I just want to say her "I'm sorry". Really just want to say these words to her no matter what. Just a few words from her would be so much to soothe the soul.

Perhaps I started to think of her so suddenly cause I'm making this custom bracelet especially for her, with custom beads. I started it months ago while we still were together and decided already then that will finish it and give it to her no matter what. This moorning I put all together and it is 80% done, just a few pieces left waiting for arriving. Each bead has a whole word or more on it so its so custom that it really suits her. Besides, there's no point for me to keep it or to give someone else cause I made it for her. Still don't know how I will give it to her but have few ways in mind so hopefully, in one or other way, it will be her's.

It's funny that 3 years ago when I first started online counseling to deal with depression, tests showed 30% depression and 70% sadness. Then they showed 100% sadness. And now they show 100% loneliness. Perhaps sadness came from loneliness and depression came from sadness. And now it's like going backward. I know that a lot of my problems come from loneliness. Just one good friend would be so unbelievably much for me.

[GLYC]

Update: I went to talk to the first girl today. Just a 40 minutes ago Didn't see her at first, just her work friend who I called ugly on dating site before she stopped responding. So I was thinking - what the hell, just will say Hi to her and ask her to call the first girl out. Then when I came closer I saw the first girl and felt even more scared. But turned on machine mode and said
"Hi !"
She said "Hi" and turned away. She seemed super chill while I was nervous and talked loudly.
I said - "How are you doing?"
"Good."
"Yeah?! Haven't seen you for a long time."
"What should I answer you?"

"Don't know. Do you want to go somewhere in nearest time?"
" Actually I have a boyfriend."

"I wrote to you in FB"
"I saw it"
"Why didn't you answer? Could have told me"
"I didn't wanna answer cause didn't want to start talking"
"Okay don't wanna ruin anything special. Good luck !"
"Thanks"

Can't believe I talked with her. She looked good and confident just it takes a lot of courage to talk with a girl you liked after more than a year of no contact. At least I made this clear. Now won't have to think what if anymore.

So I took this as a warm-up, as my first approach. Next, I went to phone shop where the girl worked who I wanted to ask on a date last summer but didn't man up despite that she was super welcoming to me after I gave her a rose. So I went to phone shop but she wasn't there. Just another girl and there was full of customers. I went to the neighbor phone shop and there was just guy so I went in and we started to talk about phones and latest tech so now I'm up to date about latest phones and tech.

Now I think that third girl was right - I have to be more spontaneous and my mindset was limited. I feel like If I continue like this then I won't be lonely anymore.

PC man. You're killing me bruh.

You called her friend ugly?
Never do that, be nice to all women. That doesn't mean you have to date them, but do, be nice to them.

The "why didn't you answer, you could have told" question was bad.
If a woman doesn't respond, it's because she isn't interested. Or lost interest. Never ask that.
It just comes off as whiny.

[pcmaster]

Didn't exactly called her ugly. that is not my style, I'm more mature than that. Just wrote that she looks shitty and after gave her example when I looked shitty at her age. She wrote on dating site that she is 23 but looked way older. Anyway, changed topic and wished her Merry Christmas after that. Wanted to end chat nicely. Sure had to be nice to her all the time despite that she drinks, uses drugs and bites first girl.

In that message, I wrote - If you seeing this please answer. That is why I wanted the answer. After 18 months contacting her, sure it had a serious cause, it wasn't just for a small talk, meaningless chat.
But sure I see you, man. I don't like guys who are whiny like that too. Just sometimes you get better results by calling people out on their bullshit. But this wasn't about results. No matter what, the result would be the same. I'm sure she told the truth about having BF since she is long gone from the dating site, like a year or so.

Now you lifted up an old post that is not relevant anymore. I wrote one just tonite.

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks for response Jester.

I know the forum is full of people hurting now. But just had too much in my heart not to post again despite that wanted to make a new post only next month.

So today worked in the garden with mum. It was a hot day and there was a lot of work but suddenly sadness hit me. I remembered The Girl and really missed her and was longing for her. Suddenly didn't want to work anymore. Lost motivation and just really wasn't in a mood and remembered this Leona Lewis song. Wanted to just go home. I really shouldn't feel like that cause I wasn't alone and was working, so busy and it's a sunny wonderful day today so it should be easy to feel good. I just want to say her "I'm sorry". Really just want to say these words to her no matter what. Just a few words from her would be so much to soothe the soul.

Perhaps I started to think of her so suddenly cause I'm making this custom bracelet especially for her, with custom beads. I started it months ago while we still were together and decided already then that will finish it and give it to her no matter what. This moorning I put all together and it is 80% done, just a few pieces left waiting for arriving. Each bead has a whole word or more on it so its so custom that it really suits her. Besides, there's no point for me to keep it or to give someone else cause I made it for her. Still don't know how I will give it to her but have few ways in mind so hopefully, in one or other way, it will be her's.

It's funny that 3 years ago when I first started online counseling to deal with depression, tests showed 30% depression and 70% sadness. Then they showed 100% sadness. And now they show 100% loneliness. Perhaps sadness came from loneliness and depression came from sadness. And now it's like going backward. I know that a lot of my problems come from loneliness. Just one good friend would be so unbelievably much for me.

Believe me, I understand how you feel. But, I think this very well may be a case where you really are missing the person you thought she was. Where you don't really miss HER, you miss who you thought she was and what you thought you two could be together. From everything you shared with us about that gal and your relationship, it doesn't sound like you had a damn thing to apologize to her for at all. If anybody was going to apologize it should be her to you.

The bracelet you made for her.... honestly, you'll have to do whatever you think is right. But, personally, I would not suggest actually giving it to her. Not at this point. Frankly, if it were me I would just throw it out. What is the point of giving it to her now when you two are no longer together? When, no matter how much you may miss the companionship, you know she's not good for you? It sounds like a really thoughtful and heart-felt gift. Shame she turned out not to be who you thought and you two broke up before you could even finish it for her... but keep that thoughtfulness. Keep that creativity. And do something special some day for a girl who deserves it. She doesn't deserve that bracelet from you.

Again, you have to do what you think is right for you, though. If you insist on giving it to her then do what you must. But, personally, I just think it would be a lot easier for you to move on if you let go completely. As in you no longer reach out to her, you do your best not to even think of her (it will be hard at first but become easier with time) and keep your mind, your heart, and your eyes open for some new special somebody that could come into your life.

On a side note.... I know it is old news, but I do agree with GLYC. There's really never any reason to treat somebody disrespectfully, even if that wasn't your intention. Whether you told somebody they are ugly, or told them they "look $h*tty" (which I think is actually worse, to be honest), I just don't see any reason to have done that. If you didn't find her attractive, then you didn't have to talk to her/date her. All you had to do was politely say no thank you. Why insult her? Even if you did so thinking you were being constructive, it would not help and would only hurt her feelings unnecessarily. Maybe a different story of it was a friend who honestly asked you for constructive criticism. I mean, you still don't tell them they are ugly, you find a more delicate way to put it. But, if a friend sincerely asked you for help then sometimes a small does of tough love can help.

Anyway, hopefully that is advice that is no longer needed anyway. Hopefully by now you would know better than to say something like that again. You don't have to find everybody attractive. You can't help who/what you do and don't find attractive. But, what may not be attractive to you may be the ultimate in attractive to somebody else.

Back on point, though. I understand how you are feeling right now. But, believe me, it will pass in time. When you are hurting this much, that is very much NOT the time to make decisions like whether to reach back out to people from your past. Because you can be so badly craving that companionship that you will risk just opening yourself up to the wrong people... to more hurt. You will feel better in time and be ready to find somebody worth your time. Good luck, friend.